Monday, November 26, 2007

one day and counting the hours

actually, i am trying to distract myself as much as possible. the turnip almost feels leaden in my breast now, like it is getting heavier by the day and more solid. i can feel it has grown larger these past few weeks. now, the tumor knows the countdown to excision is now within 24 hours. it is about to be forcibly removed...

today i will meet with dr. naik for the last time before we see each other in the operating room. so she can address my final concerns and questions. i need to make clear what i want to happen, what margin of safety to cut away. strange to think about the margin, the padding around the tumor as the thing that doesn't protect, but instead puts me in line for another tumor. those margins need to be cut out to protect me. i usually think of cocoons being protective, but in this case, the naked empty space is the best insurance against another recurrence. those margins protect only the turnip.

this afternoon i will see my reiki healer for a session. to clear my body energetically and hopefully, to help the body release the turnip and whatever emotional junk is attached.

i believe all our cells have a memory.

my sweet mom arrived yesterday evening, after many hours in airports and planes. she emerged from the busiest air travel day of the year still cheerful, hungry for middle eastern food and full of hugs for me. what a great blessing it is to have her with me this week. after a couple of days at home after surgery, mom is taking me over to a cottage at the oregon coast. a little place right on the beach, so even if it's rainy and cold i can curl up in front of the fireplace and watch the wind and waves from the huge picture windows. being next to the ocean is the most healing place possible for me and my mom loves it as well. being there together will be a wonderful treat for both of us. i feel so loved that my mom arranged everything so perfectly for this week.

the universe is looking out for me in small ways as well. i went to a party on saturday night (quite an accomplishment, just getting out of the house) and won first prize in the raffle, a $40 gift certificate to clinton st. video, which just happens to be the one very close to my apartment! seeing as i am going to be spending some down time this week and watching movies, the prize could not have been more perfect! that's enough to rent 20 movies...i already know i want to get
auntie mame again to watch with my mom. the famous line from that film is: "life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

i feel like there is 6,000 things to do today and i's sure that before i know it, we will be sitting down to my last supper. then hours of no food and no drink.

tomorrow at 10 am, this waiting ends.

5 comments:

salmonpoetry said...

oh Tay, good luck with the surgery tomorrow. despite the stress of the impending operation, you sound good here, and your mom and a retreat at the beach sounds like the best recuperation possible. i'm glad that you are in good hands, literally with your surgeon, and that you will be free of the turnip in just another day!
rest, relax, be at peace, you will be in my thoughts. of course, let me know if you need anything, big or small.

Tay said...

thank-you Lisa...your support is so appreciated! Just having my Mom here has made me feel like I can put down some of what I have been holding.

Natalia said...

darling,
don't know if you will get this before you go to the hospital tomorrow, but i want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and will be so tomorrow as well. i'll be lighting a candle for you, just to help hold the space for you, and sending tons of blessings and love your way.
too, if there is anything i can do, just let me know. i'd be happy to deliver you a meal, veg out with you and a movie, take mia for a walk, whatever you need. i might be employed soon enough (we'll see....) but until then, i've got lots of time and would love to help you out in any way i can.
much much love to you. xo

Aahuti said...

Hey Tay,

Wish you all the best......all our prayers are with you, so dont worry......everything will be ok.....

nimisha said...

Some movie recommendation for your recovery:
1) Anne of Green Gables (and the Sequel)-1985 and 1987; shot in Nova Scotia. Fun, innocent, romantic, and beatiful.
2) Flight of Dragons- 1982; animated, science vs magic and fun.
3) Strictly Ballroom- 1992; Australian, good for when you want to laugh out loud.
4) Afterlife-2003; Japanese, simple and sweet and thoughtful (not morbid like the name may imply).
5) The Princess Bride- just a classic!

Enjoy the coast and take care of yourself.