one day and counting the hours

actually, i am trying to distract myself as much as possible. the turnip almost feels leaden in my breast now, like it is getting heavier by the day and more solid. i can feel it has grown larger these past few weeks. now, the tumor knows the countdown to excision is now within 24 hours. it is about to be forcibly removed...

today i will meet with dr. naik for the last time before we see each other in the operating room. so she can address my final concerns and questions. i need to make clear what i want to happen, what margin of safety to cut away. strange to think about the margin, the padding around the tumor as the thing that doesn't protect, but instead puts me in line for another tumor. those margins need to be cut out to protect me. i usually think of cocoons being protective, but in this case, the naked empty space is the best insurance against another recurrence. those margins protect only the turnip.

this afternoon i will see my reiki healer for a session. to clear my body energetically and hopefully, to help the body release the turnip and whatever emotional junk is attached.

i believe all our cells have a memory.

my sweet mom arrived yesterday evening, after many hours in airports and planes. she emerged from the busiest air travel day of the year still cheerful, hungry for middle eastern food and full of hugs for me. what a great blessing it is to have her with me this week. after a couple of days at home after surgery, mom is taking me over to a cottage at the oregon coast. a little place right on the beach, so even if it's rainy and cold i can curl up in front of the fireplace and watch the wind and waves from the huge picture windows. being next to the ocean is the most healing place possible for me and my mom loves it as well. being there together will be a wonderful treat for both of us. i feel so loved that my mom arranged everything so perfectly for this week.

the universe is looking out for me in small ways as well. i went to a party on saturday night (quite an accomplishment, just getting out of the house) and won first prize in the raffle, a $40 gift certificate to clinton st. video, which just happens to be the one very close to my apartment! seeing as i am going to be spending some down time this week and watching movies, the prize could not have been more perfect! that's enough to rent 20 movies...i already know i want to get auntie mame again to watch with my mom. the famous line from that film is: "life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

i feel like there is 6,000 things to do today and i's sure that before i know it, we will be sitting down to my last supper. then hours of no food and no drink.

tomorrow at 10 am, this waiting ends.