Saturday, November 14, 2009

tay gets her groove back and other miracles

remember when i wrote this post? and this one? i was dazed, confused and anxious. i wanted my body back. i needed answers and i needed hope. four years. four years of chronic inflammation that stopped me in my tracks, literally. i couldn't dance and for a long while, even walk without pain. my arm flared into throbbing pain if i tried to scrub my bathtub. i stopped scrubbing my bathtub.

then cancer. then my breasts, the breasts i loved from the beginning -changed forever. i felt i lost them. i felt i lost my sexiness. i fell into despair with my body.

what i did lose in reality was my confidence, my hard won, healthy self-esteem. i did indeed lose my groove. that ball dropped and rolled away.

i didn't happen overnight, this losing of my confidence, my sense of womanly self that projected desirable, attractive, sexy. it started with pain, pain that clouded my vision. anyone who has ever been in chronic pain knows about how difficult it is to see clearly when that veil comes down.

pain gets between you and your best self. pain pushes the world away. i stopped going out, stopped dating for long periods. i didn't feel like good company. i couldn't see why anyone would want me. i felt broken. i felt ugly. because of my heel pain, i had to wear only sensible shoes, running shoes. i covered my body with layers of loose clothes, always in dark colors.

i didn't want to be seen. i stopped even trying to look attractive most of the time. i think i forget how to take care of that part of me. i mourned for the person i used to be. and even though i didn't show it much on this blog, i was often bitter. often very, very angry.

the beautiful thing i am writing to share today is this story line has completely changed. in the past nine weeks, i have made massive changes to my diet, removing everything that my body reacts to. the results so far are nothing short of a miracle. i had this crazy, scary medical mystery, remember this post?

today, i feel the mystery is solved. i am finally able to heal, really heal!

i am walking around in a different body, one with rapidly decreasing inflammation. a body that bounces back and heals. a body that can wear cute shoes and scrub the bathtub. i am even beginning to believe that in the future, perhaps in the next few months, i will be able to begin to dance and exercise freely again! there are lots of physical signs that my body is healing after all these years. and in the end, the answer was as simple as food.

10 weeks ago, based on the results of my ALCAT test, i removed the allergens. i stopped eating the foods that were making me sick and now, i am healing. common healthy foods like tomatoes and yogurt and blueberries. salmon and coconut and spinach. 83 common foods, in fact! for years, i thought i was feeding my body the healthiest diet possible. yet, i didn't get better. long time readers of this blog know, i had an increase in strange symptoms.

can you believe it, my friends? i have my groove back. i feel alive and sexy in my body. my sparkle is back and people are noticing. i have begun to think i can date again. i am actually beginning to love my body, even these changed and scarred breasts -again.

as little as four months ago, i did not think i would ever be here, feeling as good as i do in this moment.

i have not found the self i lost, for that girl is gone. but i have found a new self, a wiser self. and i approach my life with so much gratitude these days. six months ago i thought to just have work that is meaningful and that i love would be enough. i didn't beleive i would ever really get my groove back. but i kept pushing for an answer. the food allergy testing was my last idea to try, my last hope of figuring it all out.

such a radical diet change requires daily commitment to my well-being. i cannot get lazy or busy and forget to nurture myself. those days of going blindly through life are really and truly over. they are part of the girl i lost, the part that needed to go.

i will leave you with just this. solving this piece has opened the doors to so much that is new and wonderful and exciting. i feel like anything is possible now. my body and i are friends again and together, we are making the most of every day.