the endless horizon

it's my body that is the problem. the pain is there, my disease manifest there in the cells, the soft tissue, the muscles. i am angry at it all. i am sick and tired of healing, of being a patient. fed up with being the woman with all this shit broken in my body. i just want to be healed NOW, to be done, to move on and over and past all this. i can't even walk away from it, let alone run. and i am angry enough to run long and far.

as i explained yesterday, it's not just the cancer. it is these other conditions that seem to have no end in sight. when will i be healed from this weak arm and this disabled foot? why do i have to deal with them now, when i am so fragile from all the cancer bullshit of the past few months? don't i deserve a break in this life?

holy hell, will i ever get to dance again?

it feels like the joy is sucked out of life. pain and an endless horizon of more treatment, more time, more waiting, more babying my body...there is too much to see beyond. i don't know if it will ever really be better. i am too young for this. to young to give up enjoying my body and just live through my mind and heart. too young to wear only comfort shoes by day and wrist braces to bed every night. too young to give up feeling empowered, feeling sexy.

i want dancing. and sex. and freedom to move through the world . i want pleasure, not pain.

my mom tells me gently that i have been angry for months. she is most likely right. i didn't realize it until recently. i was so busy dealing with treatment and scrambling to make ends met every month that i buried those dark feelings. they pop out around people i know well. here on the blog, i've tried to tap into the fruits of my experience, to mine the lessons. i have wanted to feel there was some value to all my suffering. some gain.

now, i touch the loss. i am feel the texture of it and weigh it in my hands. in my heel. in my breasts. i have healed so much emotional damage in my life. clearly i am not afraid of hard work. i am in fact working really hard at healing. but the anger thwarts me.

this. this is beating me down. i am exhausted by it. the injustice grips my heart and doesn't let go. i just wish there was a place i could escape from all of the loss, a place to put it outside the door and be free for an hour, even. i've thought of relief just dying now would bring. yes, i have thought of it, but don't give that "out" serious consideration.

oh, dammit all to hell!

angry, not pretty

i haven't written for several reasons. one, i don't have much good to say. two, my arms and shoulder are really in pain right now from aggravated tendinitis. this arm pain making typing difficult and i need to save all i can for my studio. and three, i am just in the thick of production for this big show and my "internet energy" is quite low.

angry. angry is how i've been feeling lately.

my skin feels thin. my resistance to stress isn't strong. my emotional immune system is compromised.

i have two chronic conditions that have flared up quite painfully in the past several weeks. being in pain usually makes me depressed (ok, i am depressed, but medicated) yet lately the pain is just making me so angry. i want to scream from the rooftops - it all seems so unfair.

in the past three years, i've spent months and months in pain, trying to heal first the arm issue and then the heel. i have a bone spur on my heal which makes even walking just awful. it was nearly better after 8 months of working on healing last year. then the cancer and months of being sedentary. when i finally got back to exercise, i walked slowly, i wasn't crazy about it. i was doing pretty well at the beginning of may. then i got some treatment from a chiropractor that seemed to irritate the heel, followed by going to my dear friend's wedding and dancing just to 3 songs. it was a mess after that. but really, what kind of life is it when you cannot dance at your friend's wedding? that makes me so mad!

mad at my body for failing me. mad at myself for not being healthy, for letting my job(s) be more important than my health for so long. mad at the waste of it all.

for months i've tried to look at and write about what i was gaining from this cancer experience. i didn't even know how angry i was.

angry is not pretty. it is not sympathetic. who wants to read about angry?

a dear friend told me this week it doesn't matter what anyone wants to read. i need to write it, the ugly stuff, the unsavory. so i am writing about loss. not what i've learned from the cancer experience, (hell, from all my shitty health problems). but what i have lost. what i lose on a daily basis.

i think i will make a list. tune in tomorrow for more.

all questions, no easy answers

i have to admit it, i have been a bit discouraged of late. an abysmal evening last week really took the wind out of my sails (and sales) in the little ship that is my jewelry business. i spent the greater part of the holiday weekend just asking myself "what the fuck am i doing with my life?!" the little high i was on last time i posted blew way in the warm wind of 1st thursday's art stroll.

you know, the multiple health problems that have arisen in the last 3 years can be traced to working too hard, pushing on when i should rest. but i couldn't. to be single and self-supporting, to work 2 jobs and start a business - that recipe is composed of work, sacrifice and focus.

is it worth the price i've paid in my health?

this past weekend i pondered that. things got dark in my heart. i thought about the kind of shape i am in now with my body and good heavens was i even going to make it to 60? and beyond? i'll care for my mother when she gets too old or sick to care for herself. but who will care for me? you can see, dear readers how ugly things got in my head.

when i quit my job last fall and got a business loan to launch into my business full time, it was with the plan that i would give it all i've got for a year. if i wasn't seeing significant progress then, i would reconsider this path.

ah, the best laid plans. cancer doesn't care about your plans, how much money you have, the state of your relationships. you just wake up one day and there it is. moved in to your life without so much as a "how you doing?" rude bastard, cancer.

so now as i stood in this fork in the road and wondered...do i like this very hard life i've made? should i choose an easier path, take the road of employee, not boss? would that fit me?

i'm not sure how or when to measure my business now. i lost so many months, so much money. my business loan became a health loan. either way, i am behind and it must be paid back, every month. sometimes literally everything feels uphill, both ways.

don't we all just long for some ease in our lives?

i'm within seven weeks of the one-year mark. the date i got the loan. i go off to a big festival where i vend my jewelry in a 6-day art fair in just four weeks. i worry (even though it changes nothing) that the show won't be lucrative enough, that the struggling economy will mean that folks steer clear of buying jewelry. i feel like i need a miracle, actually.

on a positive note, i joined a gym and am working out. my heel continues to give me pain, so using the machines at the gym is much better than walking outside on the pavement.

as i am posting less regularly here now, please do subscribe to the RSS feed (link in sidebar) so that you'll get a little message when i post. and feel free to check in over at my main blog, where i post 4-5 days a week. it's here.

paying it forward

many of you have been reading here at turnip for months. you've followed my bumpy, emotional journey through breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, you've heard me crash over and over. you've also stood witness to me rebuilding my life. it's been a wave pattern of finding my way, losing my calm, locating my center.

this is life. up, down. storms and calm seas. cocooning and blooming.

i'm feeling all that stuff, those cycles on a daily basis. stabs of panic, washes of love. it's all still happening. the cycles seem to move quicker these days, maybe because my days are moving quicker. i feel like i am back to working all the time and struggling to figure out how to rest, how to best renew my body and spirit.

you know, i was raised to be a worker, not a rester. it's not the healthiest legacy.

i've made a choice today to do something i've thought of for a long while. become a lender at kiva.org. people have been so generous with donations to me through all my cancer days. and each month, the universe continues to provide. through sales of my jewelry, i am slowly and steadily catching up. it might seem counter intuitive to loan money to others when i have so much debt, and indeed a business loan of my own that i am struggling to make payments on. i guess it's a practice of trust. by making this small loan to someone else, i trust that what i need will be there for me. and it's irresistible - because at kiva program, the loans are so needed and the amounts are so small yet make such a difference.

i am committing to loaning $25 a month to an entrepreneur in the developing world. if you'd like to join me, i've added a link to the profile of the borrower in my sidebar. my first loan is going to a group of women in guatemala who will use the funds to buy thread and other supplies for their embroidery business. do go check out their profile and i bet you'll be as inspired as i am!

the image at the top of this post can be found here and says:

"everything changed the day she figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life"

i think that quote has got to be true of money, too. that there is exactly enough money for the important things. today, i am breathing that in and letting it be true.

wobbly with relief

ah, my dear faithful readers, thank-you for hanging in here with me! i am exhausted and my brain is a bit wobbly, but the business plan is done. yes, the first version has been sent in for review and i am so happy, so relieved.

i've been working with a local branch of mercy corps, called mercy corps northwest, on the nuts and bolts of starting my business. they exist to serve low-income people in portland who want to be entrepreneurs. so 18 months ago i took their small business class and a year ago, was accepted into the wonderful IDA saving grant program. over the course of this past 12 months, i've been putting away small amounts of money into a special fund and they've matching my contributions 3 to 1.

pretty amazing, right?

the catch? oh, yes there has to be a catch. i have to turn in my finished business plan and have it approved before i can access the funds...which have now grown to $3,600! these funds can only be used on capitol improvements for my business, like studio equipment. i'm very excited to get all this new equipment, much of which i have chosen because it will make production both easier on my body and allow me to take on more wholesale orders.

oh, and the additional pressure? yes, of course there has to be an additional pressure situation! i am going to do a huge retail art fair in just 5 weeks and still have tons of jewelry to make. in the past, this show has made up 1/3 of my annual income, so it's pretty important. and...yes, i need some key pieces of equipment to get all this work done. equipment i can only buy after the grant monies are released, after the business plan is approved.

thank heavens that plan is now done, (at least until they send back the first version with suggestions and edits). fingers crossed that process is quick and the revision is minor.

last week after i wrote, i lost a huge chunk of my work in a computer glitch, i was within just a few hours of finishing. oh, the screaming and tears! you wouldn't have liked to see it. i was beside myself. but there was nothing to do but brush myself off and start again.

i did take one day off on this past sunday, a special road-trip with a group of dear friends that had been planned for a long while. we drove out to the wine country (it's world-class here in oregon) and met wine makers, tasted all sorts of yummy wines and had a glorious picnic up on a hill, looking over fields of vines with mountains in the distance. the weather was perfect, the company fine...a really lovely day.

i needed that rejuvenation and got up monday morning ready to tackle the last piece of writing. that last piece, the financial piece, took all day! can you believe that i was still in my pajamas at 6:45 at night? i finally clicked "save" on my finished plan, stood up from the computer like a mole coming out into the light and got dressed so i could go find some food.

what a wonder that i have this level of energy, just 12 weeks after finishing radiation treatment! pretty amazing when you think of where i was, how tired and discouraged i was in march. i hoped i would bounce back like this. how blessed i feel to be doing this well, to be doing this much at my 12 week anniversary.

how very, very blessed.

help me, i'm melting!

oh dear. i did have quite a melt-down yesterday. felt as if the top of my head burst and all my brains formed an gooey puddle around me. it's the business plan, kicking my ass. hard.

the process brings up all sorts of questions, which lead to doubts and pretty soon I'm in some sort of duel to the death with the devil. or at least the part of my brain playing the devil's advocate. hopefully he's died a messy death in the explosion yesterday!

some of you must have gone through this process. it's as hard as ten term-papers, yet more important. people with money, those investors i need to say yes, yes, yes. this is the plan to gain their support.

of course, i am trying to make it too perfect. damn that attention to detail.

really, i told myself yesterday afternoon, all i need right now is the first draft. try to think of it as a work in progress. granted, one that has taken over my life. but maybe that is fitting, after all i am writing my life. it's a plan for creating a life worth living, a plan for making a good life for me and a host of people who will work with me.

perhaps this birth should be painful, it's the way of nature.

so i took something to ease the pain last night, two glasses of red wine and an excellent dinner. salmon, asparagus, wild rice. it felt so good to cook for myself without effort, just like i used to. i noticed the change, as i was making the food. i noticed that it felt easy. what a lovely shift from the past few months, when planning and preparing food has been such a struggle.

i am sorry to be such a spotty writer here of late. i am trying for once a week, as i miss it when i don't write. and it feels as if my circle has floated away now that i'm out of serious crisis mode. that's the illusion i used to live under, that i was alone. i need to keep fresh that feeling that you all are still standing around me, that my circle of support is intact and strong as ever. weeks of radio silence here and on my other blog has made me a little twitchy, i'll admit.

our summer weather is a tease here in the northwest and frankly, i'm just sick of it. i want the ease of warm days, one after another! but i hope where you are is all golden and warm and relaxing. check back next week, i'll hopefully be reporting on a fully finished business plan.

war, what is it good for?

ah, the sun is finally shining and where am i? inside, writing. still writing. a business plan is a long and complex project. each part seems to have a sticky place, a veil of fear i must screw up my courage to part it and walk through. so i am, walking through. getting it done.

a friend called me this week to say she'd just been given a cancer diagnoses. she wanted to see what advice i had. there was about 1,000 things i could have shared, of course. but to start, it all boils down to: do you trust your doctor? and find the best possible care your insurance will cover. hope for the best outcome, plan for the worst. surround yourself with experts.

oh, good god we live on a poisoned planet! it makes me want to scream! and it's not just the air, soil, water, either. it's poisoned mindsets and hearts. we live in a culture of war. have you noticed that whatever our leaders declare war on - it gets worse?

see the war on drugs, the war on cancer, the war on terrorism.

the language of war is everywhere. the cancer world i've been living in is full of it. it is a fake and forced-cheerful language rife with violence and hate. from fuck cancer hats to i made cancer my bitch t-shirts to daily stories of celebrities who are fighting a battle with cancer. cancer has become the ultimate enemy, the thing we do everything in our power to kill, kill, kill. all of the traditional medicine solutions to cancer treatment work to attack and kill it. and just like any war, there are civilian casualties as well. surgery, chemo and radiation kill healthy cells too.

the body pays a price.

as i recover from treatment, i've been feeling the weight of that price. not that i regret radiation so much, but it was like choosing between two regrets. i knew i would wonder did i do the right thing? either way, in the end, i decided i would wonder more if i didn't do the radiation. i am recovering nicely, by the way. each week brings better energy and a feeling that i am more like myself.

a thoughtful reader of this blog, who has since become a friend, noticed early on that i didn't use the language of war in writing about my experience. she sent me a great book, "speak the language of healing: living with breast cancer without going to war". it's written by four women with breast cancer and offers an alternative way to relate to the disease -a loving way to experience any kind of disease, really. i always assume that when bad things happen to us, there is a possibility it can teach us something. if we are open to learning. of course, there is a danger that we can view things like cancer as being "taught a lesson" by life, or god, or whatever is greater than ourselves.

a recent article in the new york times, thumbs up is no comfort, talks about our cultural approach to serious illness and what pressure there is to go into battle, suck up your negative feelings and flash that thumbs up to reassure people you are ok. even when you are not ok. i found the link through one of my favorite blogs, aiming for grace. she has an eloquent response to the issues raised in the article, do take a moment to go and read it.

turnip for me has been a place to fall apart all these months and you out there reading have allowed me to feel, process and become ok with how i experience breast cancer. everyone has to find their own way through illness and difficulty in this life. it's been such an incredible blessing for me to have you helping to hold this space of healing. it's been a while since i said thank-you. yet i think it daily, how grateful i am for you, following my story.

thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. these shabby words can't say it strongly enough.

this is a ramble today!

new normal: busy makes happy

let me assure you, my friends, that i have been writing. busy as a bee, tapping away at my keyboard for hours. just not here at turnip! i was absolutely consumed with writing about honey & milk on my other blog when i got back from my trip, then that led to starting on my business plan...

which is nothing short of a miracle, really.

i have literally been trying to write my business plan for three years. start and stop. mostly stopped up, stuck. then about a week ago, movement. this incredible burst of energy started me off and it's just been flowing beautifully!

whatever is the change? why now and not before? i had a light bulb moment the other day. i realized that i couldn't write my business plan before because i was trying to write one for a business i didn't really want. a business that i saw as a means to an end, not my life's work, not my highest vision. i'm going to be writing about this thought in more detail soon. so if you're confused, please do catch up over on found object and click on "honey & milk" in the sidebar to read about it.

but once i articulated what i really want and published it on found object, bam! the ball started rolling. i literally started to get a flow of orders and sales on both my websites. talk about the power of getting out of your own way.

whoa, baby! this horse is ready to run.

each week my energy is growing and i am feeling more like i am stepping into the life i want. all sorts of thoughts and ideas are flourishing and i feel more flexible and positive about the future than i have in a long, long time. just that feeling alone is intoxicating.

so, have i made it to the zen center? no. but i have been doing mini-meditations while sitting on my exercise ball and centering my core. for some strange reason, this works. i have to concentrate to stay on the ball, which strengthens my body's core and also gives a focus point for meditation. going to the zen center feels like medicine right now. good for me, but not really joyful. and i feel so sick and tired of "treatment". so i either don't go right now, or work on seeing it differently. i am beginning to work on seeing it differently. there is a huge amount of inertia to overcome, but i will.

for instance, today was day one of riding my bike to the studio. my foot & heel problems have painfully flared back up, so walking isn't an option. but i am not going to be beat by that, fuck feeling like a broken old lady. i am going to do what i can, so i will bike for transportation as much as possible. i spent hours while recovering from the second surgery gluing rhinestones on my bike helmet in beautiful patterns. i'm thinking soon i might just paint my bike sparkly green as well.

you gotta make it fun, right? what are you doing this week for joy? tell me, please.

i'm sorry to be quiet here for so long. the good news is, i've been busy and feeling better all the time. diving back into the studio, running my business and being active has kept me happy and occupied.

by the way, for any of you out there doing the abundance checks practice, tomorrow june 3 is the day!

traveling and sitting still

home again, home again, boy that feels good! my own soft bed and snuggly dog, quiet mornings and little green car. yet going away was wonderful too. six days of talking and laughing with my big, loving family and a few precious friends. what a tonic! my love cup is full to overflowing and i finally got the daily recommended number of hugs.

there is something really powerful about a good long hug from people that have known and loved you since forever. i'm smiling just thinking of it.

it was important, this trip.

two dear people, my friends for ten years, got married and i was witness to that magical day. the bride worn jewelry i made just for her wedding day. when the groom got teary-eyed at the beginning of the ceremony, i started crying too. after so many months of thinking about me and crying about my troubles, it was so good to cry happy tears.

for my family it was important to see me, to touch me and verify in person that after all this cancer crap, the surgeries and radiation treatment - i was ok. i was in one piece and ok.

my young nieces and nephews are such gems. eleven kids, from ages three to thirteen, all busy with their ideas and questions, with their art and sports and music. i loved reading books with the smallest ones curled in my arms. i loved teasing my nephew who is starting high school next fall.

i had a few hours on the plane there and back to write in my journal and think. it's a different kind of processing than i tend to do when on land. being on an airplane is a strange act of faith. you're flying, captured in a bubble for four hours without escape. it's a good time to meditate, a good time to let things just float for a while. after all, nothing on the ground can really be done, or solved while in the air.

i bought the book, a new earth, by eckhart tolle in the airport on my way to chicago. it made for good reading in small doses, bits just big enough to soak in. already, i feel some healing happening in my spirit.

i was writing today over on my other blog, found object, on how some big ideas grew out of the time i had my first round of breast cancer, the turnip from 2001. as i wrote, a truth was revealed to me with stunning clarity. it's as if i had the answer, written in my own hand, stuck on my back and i couldn't see it. i couldn't reach around and pluck that note off my back and read it until today.

today, i remembered what i did to heal my spirit after the first cancer. when i told you the story here before, i left out an important chapter. now that it's become clear again, i can't believe i forgot it.

the summer following my first turnip, i learned to meditate.

first, i went on a mostly silent retreat to gambo abby in nova scotia. it's high on a lonely cliff, overlooking a ocean wild with wind. ravens caw and prayer flags flap. it's of place of raw beauty, where i finally found compassion for myself for the first time in my life. the place of real stillness opened up inside me and i was able to rest for periods of time, free from the chatter in my brain. that was two extraordinary weeks, living with the monks and nuns.

then i went on for another three weeks to the mountain shambhala center in colorado, almost on the continental divide. i worked on the crew that was finishing an incredible sacred structure, the great stupa of dharmakaya. it wasn't a silent experience, but it was equally intense as my time at the abby.

those weeks were healing in a way that no therapy had ever been. it was hard emotional work. only through a mediation practice have i been able to learn compassion, in particular compassion for myself. therapy is a valuable tool, but it's part of the busy mind. as evidenced by my writing here, my busy mind is eager to run away with thoughts and feelings...to spin them over and over again.

we all do that with our stories. we all get stuck in our minds.

i didn't make it to the zen center yet, but i will soon. another couple of days and i will be caught up on the work that piled up while i was gone. a couple more good nights of sleep and i'll be rested after the jam packed week of traveling.

stepping out of fear

well, my dear friends, there is big news over on my other blog today. i'm stepping out into the world with my business in a new way, with a new name. check it out right here. it's exciting and i am thrilled to be lining up my business name with positive intention and abundance.

what's in a name? for me, hopefully an clear indication of the future.

i was into panic mode when i wrote my last post here. it comes and goes like the wind. i should know by now that getting scared and shutting down, looking at choices as black & white - that isn't who i essentially am. that is my bullshit, my baggage. i would sure like it to be my past! for all those messy, nasty fears to stay in the past. but i think i've got to just make peace with them. judging myself harshly for being scared is just compounding the problem.

a friend wrote to me last week about the latest book by eckhart tolle called the new earth. she was burning to send me a copy and i was so caught up in my crappy state of mind, i said, oh no. just bring me your copy when we meet in august, there's no rush. ah, what a wise friend. she reads this blog and sees that i need the teachings of that book to bring me back to grace. (thank-you, h.) so, in my typical fashion, this weekend i read an article about the book in oprah's magazine and immediately felt better. for about the 1,000th time, i saw my busy, panic-driven mind for what it was. not me, the real me, but just my busy, panic-driven mind. and, i realized something that has been poking at me for months and months as well. what my life is missing is stillness. mediation is the tonic i need, not talk therapy. i've had plenty of that in this lifetime. and my talking-processing type of therapy is really happening here on turnip.

thanks for listening, by the way. *cringe* -you all are so good to me!

it's time to return to the zen center. time to set up a place of uncluttered stillness in my home and get back to practice. because i do know from past experience that in the present moment, each moment i am truly present, fear floats away and my abundant mind expands. this was part of my intention when i quit my day job, to return to a sustaining spiritual practice.

i'm taking off early tomorrow morning for michigan. a dear old friend is getting married and i will be visiting my family as an added bonus. after these past few months, it will be especially wonderful to snuggle my sweet nieces and nephews. i may get a chance to write while away, but am not planning on it.

til then, talk amongst yourselves.