Monday, May 17, 2010

alive with change

oh goodness, here i am again, just when you all have most likely given up hope! it may well be impossible to communicate how absorbing graduate school and life has been, or how each day is full to bursting...

i am sorry for dropping out of your lives for so long. faithful readers of this blog, you deserve better treatment!

so today, i am back in blogging mode, with the head space to write. this conversational style of writing almost feels wrong, after my complete switch to academic writing. and what a large volume of writing it has been this year! and reading, piles and piles of reading and research! i am learning things that make me excited to be alive, inspired to be entering a field with so much potential for growth and change.

i figured out recently that as much as i crave peace and stillness...i love change.

progress. change. pushing limits. these are the things that occupy my thoughts. after what seems like a lifetime of viewing the glass half-empty, i have stepped fully into optimism! what a dramatic shift in thinking and feeling i've experienced in the last nine months or so. reflecting on how and why, i can only conclude that my energy has become centered on helping others - which automatically pulls me out of self-absorption. the difference in my outlook and happiness level is dramatic, to say the least.

you all know how many months i spent all my energy on healing my body and how difficult that journey was on every level. the process demanded self-absorption and this blog is a record of exactly that. i am so grateful for you, dear sweet readers, who took a friendly interest in my story and my struggles. your support held me in just the ways i needed! thank you, a thousand times, thank you!

the story of my past few months is a good one, with bits too juicy to tell the world, frankly. i've had my heart cracked open in the most surprising ways, the best possible ways. i am full of joy and for the first time in many years, i believe in love again. truth be told, my heart has been shut tight against romantic love for a very long while. i had experienced so much hurt and betrayal, i just couldn't see the benefit of a partner. i viewed the glass as half-empty. all i could see was the risk, compromise and sacrifice required to be with someone.

this has all changed. i have been struck with some powerful magic in this area. my heart is wide open. and even though i now have allowed myself to feel the space beside me that i want to be filled by someone very special, somehow even that empty space is ok. it's not always comfortable, but i have realized that i must hold that space open in my heart for anyone to enter my life. in the past, i have viewed that "holding space" thing as caving in to society's expectations, or somehow admitting that i was incomplete, that my life was missing something important.

now, i know that i am complete, but also open to expansion and to the kind of growth, change and balance that a partner can bring. being whole as i am and also wanting to be partnered aren't mutually exclusive states of being. now, i just don't see matters of the heart as black and white. love isn't a equation, easy to understand and explain. in fact, love is full of mystery, it's sometimes messy and words can only make feeble attempts to describe it. but when love enters your life and you're listening, it is clear.

so all i will say on love is that my heart has changed.
i'm trusting my heart more these days. i'm listening differently and that is a welcome change...


Sondra said...

So good to hear from you, Tay. You sound healthy and Happy...Keep the good vibes going.
Sending love,

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

So hoping you find the love of your life, Tay. Or at least the love of right now!

Tay said...

Thank you so much for your love and encouragement Maryam and Sandra. I really am writing for you two specifically and I am thrilled you are still checking in on me and haven't thrown in the towel after so many months of neglect!