tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28608356650564839752024-03-13T05:02:49.361-07:00turnipone single girl, life after two kinds of breast cancer and her quest to create a new lifeTayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-18879816175585787182010-10-22T21:51:00.000-07:002010-11-12T20:54:54.520-08:00beauty and the brain<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">As much as I am absorbed in graduate school, my exciting thesis research and a wonderful internship experience, I miss my life lived in Spanish. The life I lived for one precious month in Puebla, Mexico last summer. It's only been two months since my return and the season in Portland has just now fully changed into fall. But that time seems far away and long ago...</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
Was it a dream?</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It feels dreamy, that much is certain. And I've been pondering why I miss it so very much. Not just the pace and texture of my days in Mexico, but the actually learning and speaking Spanish. One of the most magical discoveries was that my brain <i>loves</i> learning Spanish! I had never studied another language, so this came as a surprise. I would never have guessed that I had a flair for language learning, but I guess my fluency and over-sized vocabulary in English is a great asset in learning a second language! Finally, the fruits of all my reading in the classics as a teen has paid off. I certainly didn't progress in the social domain in those years, but I obviously laid down some rich layers of knowledge that is finally being put to use.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">But why? Why does it feel so good to learn a new language? Why does it bring such delight?</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">These are questions I have been turning over in the back of my mind, as I go through my day, listening to music in Spanish on my ipod and teasing out the words I know. Like adjusting the lens of a manual camera, slowly a phrase comes into focus and I realize...oh, wow. I know what that means! It is a endlessly fascinating puzzle. And my brain loves puzzles, it keeps the busy mind occupied and engaged. New cells grow, new pathways are forged and new connections stitched together, one syllable at a time.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I finally figured it out the other day, when I realized there is another part to the story of my happiness in Mexico. I felt extraordinarily beautiful there, in ways I rarely feel here in Portland or anywhere in the US. In Portland, I have felt very invisible, especially the past few years. For most of my life since puberty, I've felt not attractive enough, less than others around me, too chubby to be worthy of notice and absolutely not beautiful. Call me irrational, I know it's silly...but that doesn't make it less true. I've certainly written plenty here on self-image and my struggles with this at different points of my life.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">But here is the thing. My busy, heckling brain just is wild and hard to tame. I tell it to <i>shut the hell up</i> and <i>stop speaking so very rudely to me</i>, stop cutting me down and nitpicking. But the negative chatter is endless, a fluid stream of self-abuse with precious little space for breaks. How does one quiet a critical left brain, exactly?</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Spanish.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yes, a puzzle so vast and challenging that there is not one single twitch of energy left for criticizing. During my intensive study, the learning of Spanish and the daily task of living in a new language took over my brain completely. The chatter dropped away and what was left was freedom. Freedom and spaciousness. Call it a month-long meditation in Spanish. For what is meditation than focused mindfulness? And let me tell you, living life in another language, one in which I am not anywhere near fluent? That takes some careful, fully present <i>listening</i> to accomplish. It's mindfulness, all day long.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">In that space, my sweet, soft right brain...the intuitive, soulful part of my intelligence finally had a chance to be heard. Not only heard, but <i>believed</i>. I relaxed into my body, I bloomed inside and out. Worry lines disappeared from my face. And everywhere I went in Mexico, I felt beautiful. In fact, I was an exotic beauty there and I felt seen,<i> more than seen</i>...appreciated. People looked, noticed and approved. I began to believe other people's opinion on the subject of beauty might have more merit than my own. After all, my one vote against so many! </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Throughout my life, I have invested alot of energy into being smart, often to compensate for perceived deficiencies in my looks. Having people think I am smart has driven me, because early on, I decided I was not pretty enough. In Spanish, I sound like a small child, which probably makes me seem dumb as an adult. After all, I am a beginner in this new language. So before I went to study in Mexico, I decided I would have to let go of my ego attachment to being viewed as smart. To learn well, I would have to allow myself to make mistakes, to try to speak as much as possible and to sound pretty dumb in the process. What was so surprising was once there, I didn't care! Who cares if people think I am dumb, here they see me as beautiful. I spent my life proving I was smart because I felt ugly and suddenly, I was delighted to be thought dumb, but pretty!</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I crave Spanish because within a new language, I can escape fully from my self-critical chatter. I have no words to degrade in Spanish...I have no bad habits of thought to fight against. In Spanish, my left brain is busy and happy, my right brain is contented and open.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">And I don't worry about beautiful or not beautiful. Good enough or not enough. I just am.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: large;">In Spanish, I have a clean slate upon which to write this life-long conversation with myself. A new menu of words with phrases of my choosing. It is a deep, profound fresh start and I never could have predicted this in a million years. </span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-7616922332032138922010-09-24T10:15:00.000-07:002010-09-24T17:00:23.312-07:00restless heart in the rain<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The past few weeks, persistent clouds and daily raindrops have returned to Portland. Fall seems to be here and for me, it feels much too soon. I had pictured a lovely, golden evening for my birthday last Friday and hosting a cocktail party on my pretty patio in my new apartment. It was not to be, the weather insisted on delivering a cold, wet weekend. It is silly to complain about weather, something I can do nothing to change. Anytime I can catch a bit of sun in my day, it feels like a surprise gift - and like a cat, I want to stop everything, stretch out and soak up the warmth.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
It's fair to say I am hungry for sunshine. And I've been restless, so very restless.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">After the month in Mexico, it has been a bit of a struggle setting back into my life in Portland since the weather turned and school began again. Yesterday I was reflecting on this and asked myself why? Why is this so hard for me now, when in the past I relished the coming of cool temperatures and rain?</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Who was that girl that loved the cloudy skies and the drama of what most people consider "bad weather"?</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I was 19 I went to Europe for a year and ended up, (by design) working in Scotland. I adored the dreary climate, the sky full of clouds, sometimes dynamic, but often like a soft, solid gray blanket. Wearing layers of wool, rain boots and carrying an umbrella made me feel happy and comforted. And even as recently as eight years ago, when I chose to relocate here in the Pacific Northwest, I relished the often gloomy weather. I was attracted to cloudy skies!</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">That girl, my friends, was depressed. For years of my adult life, I was depressed. Was that true at 19? Maybe, I might have been depressed then. But more likely the whole truth is that I also used to romanticize darkness and struggle and yes, even depression. At 19, I felt sure one couldn't make great art if one was <i>happy</i>. Only Pollyannas were <i>happy</i>. And everyone knows that Pollyannas aren't making great important art, right?</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When I get really honest with myself, I can see that even eight years ago, when I moved here, I still held on to some of those childish notions about happiness and the relationship between darkness and creativity, too. Slowly, I have shed those sad skins I carried for so long. Life has surprised me with joy and I've changed into someone who loves living in the light. I'm not afraid of having my dark and messy parts exposed by bright sunshine. I <i>crave</i> it, in fact. I can't ever remember a time I was this happy and even though I am talking about feeling restless, I am also solidly content within myself. This is new, it is extraordinary!</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">And so I don't find dark days, cloudy skies and wet weather comforting. The gray blanket just feels oppressive now...</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I used to need weather that matched my mood. Correction: I still need weather that matches my mood, <i>but the inner climate has changed.</i> I feel sunny on the inside and I crave the support that warm sunshine brings to my spirit. These gray days have me feeling very restless and I am thinking hard about moving south, towards more sun, more warmth...</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Could I uproot my life again at this stage? What would it mean to replant myself in warm soil, in a sunny climate? This restless heart wants to find out...</span></div>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-39830451517729595562010-09-05T11:17:00.000-07:002010-10-22T21:55:18.772-07:00The flood<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/TIPfYLCHwNI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/jfAd1p_OqHw/s1600/yelapasunset.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513495975203160274" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/TIPfYLCHwNI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/jfAd1p_OqHw/s400/yelapasunset.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 400px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 300px;" /></a><br />
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 130%;">What happens when ice melts quickly? A flood of water usually follows a rapid thaw. Imagine a woman with a heart frozen against love. Bitterly disappointed with romance, she had retreated into indifference, independence and yes, even disdain for the messy emotions of falling in love. She kept very busy making a life that was full, too full for another. A home that couldn't possibly welcome another person living there as well. She made half-hearted attempts at dating because she thought she should. She became comfortable with the notion that true love and partnership just isn't in the cards for everyone. She believed that love was not in the cards for her, not in this lifetime. She planned a future centered around work and friends. She said "it's enough".<br />
<br />
I've already told you the ice melts, so you know what's coming, don't you?<br />
<br />
Yes. In a wildly beautiful place in the tropics, something changed. She softened. There was a long, agonizing moment of sincere hesitation, of weighing the options. Stay as I am, stuck? Or risk...and change my life. She wanted change, she wanted a different perspective on love and life. A lovely opportunity stood before her, beckoning...<br />
<br />
It was the last night of the old year. It was a full moon, better yet, a blue moon. There was a sailboat and a sunset. She decided to trust. She said yes. The ice melted, her heart cracked open. It's a new year, a new self. She is content and happy in her body like never before. <br />
<br />
Anything and everything feels possible. A seed is planted.<br />
<br />
And later, there is a pregnancy that doesn't get far before it fades away on it's own. But before it ends, she looks into her future and is surprised to be delighted to have to change plans, to make space. She wants nothing more than to make space for her lover and a child. Her heart cracks open wide, then wider. There is only a flood of emotion for a while.<br />
<br />
Eventually the lover fades away as well, but the space in her life, in her heart remains open. She looks at the world with new eyes. Her intuitive self has grown strong and sure. Her self-critical voice has grown quieter.<br />
<br />
Falling in love takes on new meaning: growth, expansion, beauty. The flood shifted the very ground beneath her feet and she now finds herself in a new place.<br />
<br />
A very good place...</span></div>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-30704148168434820412010-07-12T10:19:00.000-07:002010-07-12T12:04:51.499-07:00R & R in my own nest<span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >After a very long, arduous month of packing and moving (layered on top of full time summer classes -replete with piles of reading, paper writing and the like) I am finally, fully and most of all, <span style="font-style: italic;">happily</span> living in my new home.<br /><br />That it was an epic struggle to get here should have come as no surprise. Like a limpet wedged into a crack in a rock being pounded by the sea, I was entrenched in my old place, body, soul and possessions. Holy crap, what a massive amount of possessions I own. It's easy to fall into self-disgust and tempting to just make a bonfire to purge the excess. Much harder to actually sort, sift, pack and label.<br /><br />I took the harder path, dear readers. Everyone says "moving sucks". And so it does. So some folks never budge from their spot on the planet and that's ok. Others, like me, feel the need for change at regular intervals. I was restless and unhappy in my old situation at year three, but being in the middle of cancer treatment and such was a suitable distraction. As year five rolled around, I knew in the back of my mind that something had to break. My trip to Mexico in late December clarified that tension so much that I formulated a plan.<br /><br />The whole situation was driven by financial issues. Namely, too much debt and too little income for too long. Crawling out of the hole created in my financial picture by the cancer experience has taken time and careful planning.<br /><br />At this moment, in the sanctuary that is my new home, I am flooded with gratitude.<br /><br />For the first time in seven years, I am experiencing a sense of total peace and relaxation in my home. I cannot stress enough what a profound shift this is in my life. Even with boxes still to unpack here and there, I have been able to expand and sink down into deep relaxation. My new back porch is a dreamy space, with a view of the mountain and valley below that continually opens my perspective. I can literally see the bigger picture! A beautiful Mayan hammock, brought back from my trip to Tulum, Mexico, many years ago is now hanging on the porch. And even better, I have been spending time enfolded in this hammock - just lounging.<br /><br />Typically, I have to travel far away from home to find this type of relaxing.<br /><br />Another key change in my life-style which directly affects my level of happiness or depression took some bold decision making as well. In May, I cut off my cable plan and gave away my TV. Pretty radical stuff for anyone living in US culture! As my spiritual fog began to clear at the start of the year, I remembered that the last period in my life where I felt fully happy, engaged, physically in shape and often found time to make art...was when I got rid of my TV. When I realized this, the choice to get TV out of my life was easy. But just like quitting anything addictive, the first few weeks are jumpy and restless. It took time to settle my anxious energy down in other, more meditative ways. I planned this for a time when I was very busy packing to move and taking classes, which helped tremendously. Now, I don't have any urge to watch. I feel free!<br /><br />This new chapter seems to have and emerging theme: seeing beyond. Seeing bigger and further, outside the four walls of home and outside the TV box as well. I have been pretty self-absorbed and inner-focused for a long while now. Entering this graduate school program has begun to draw me out into the bigger world again, the world full of people to help and important work to do. Finally leaving my apartment managing job and the living situation attached to it has opened up a door to a place where I am more comfortable being in the world because I have a serene sanctuary to recharge my batteries at the end of each day. With a retreat of my own, I can expand and experience more of the world.<br /><br />Experiencing this sense of opening is truly beautiful. I've been waking up smiling.</span> <span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >I've effortlessly become more social and excited to spend time with others. My friendships are more joyful.</span><br /><br /><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >p.s. I'm about to embark on a big adventure next week. A whole month in Puebla, Mexico, studying Spanish in an immersion program. I'll even be doing a home-stay so all my waking hours will be lived in Spanish. It is exciting and something I have dreamed about doing for years. While I am away, I will be blogging on <a href="http://www.foundobject.squarespace.com/">Found Object</a>, so if you are inclined, you can follow my journey.</span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-4844245395948366322010-05-28T16:47:00.000-07:002010-05-28T17:47:09.451-07:00change: a room with a view<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >in my last post i wrote about changes of the heart. today i am here to share changes in the concrete realm. i'm moving house, to be exact! this is really big news, actually. and not simply because it's an exciting, refreshing change of locale, but also because i am quitting my post as a property manager and leaping out into the world focused solely on graduate school. this means giving up a piece of financial security that i have clung to through good times and bad the past 5 1/2 years. i'll be paying rent again and for the next year, living entirely on student loans ~plus whatever bits and pieces of employment come my way in the education field.<br /><br />i believe strongly that you must sometimes close one door for another to open. i am making space in my life for a different livelihood. and i couldn't be more relieved, it's a heavy weight left behind, leaving the demands of this job. already, i have been getting some work here and there in may as a teaching substitute at the alternative high school where i interned this year.<br /><br />i am flinging the door wide open for the universe to step in with something new.<br /><br />so as you can imagine, i'll be spending the month of june moving and settling. at the moment, i am up to my neck in packing, sorting, sifting, tossing, donating...with a bit of hand-wringing thrown in the mix!</span> <span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" ><br /><br />geographically, it's not a huge distance i am moving, but the shift in <span style="font-style: italic;">perspective</span> is significant. i found a darling 1910 up-down duplex on the other side of the massive river that splits portland in two. it's a culture shift, moving to the westside...closer to downtown. my new neighborhood is really nice, with similar amenities to my current residence, sans a great grocery store i can walk to in nice weather. but this is a minor price to pay for an adorable apartment bursting with everything on my wish list, plus more!<br /><br />an amazing view of the whole river valley and mount hood from a large, covered back porch, all my own ~ that tops the list. then there is the original wood floors and high ceilings, charming rooms painted lovely colors. light and space and a gas range! after years of suffering with an electric stove, i am thrilled to have a gas range again. also, half of the basement is mine for storage and i share laundry with only one other person. to many of you, this might not seem like a big deal, but after all these years of going outside, down stairs, in the rain to do laundry on coin machines...this feature has me giddy.<br /><br />in portland, simply finding an affordable rental that will take a dog is a trial, and on a grad student's budget, i was combing the ads for months before this place popped up. the whole thing came together seamlessly and easily...i feel so blessed.<br /><br />next week, i will get the keys and as i am in full time summer classes, the move will take place in smallish chunks throughout the month of june. by july first, i will be sitting with a well-deserved cocktail in a pretty glass on my back porch, gazing out at a new vista.<br /><br />i've never had a room with a view, except on vacation.<br /><br />when i got home from mexico on january 11, after nearly two weeks spent gazing at a beautiful view, i knew something must change. something had already changed, in fact. <span style="font-style: italic;">i had changed on that trip</span>. i came home knowing, but not quite ready to even say to myself, that it was time to leave my job. my life and workload combining both grad school and apartment managing was not sustainable. and i was newly in touch with the conviction that everything i do needs to be moving me forward. i broke through something at the new year. no more holding patterns. i was ready to abandon safety and take more risks. ready to trust in new ways.<br /><br />so here i am, stepping out of the financial safety and employment holding pattern. here i am, closing that door behind me, knowing it is exactly the right time to leave. here i am, ready and open for what is next. employment that is sustainable and growth-oriented, not just something holding me in place.<br /><br />stay tuned for photos of the new place. it's so exciting to be moving into a gorgeous space again. i can't wait to hang my art and arrange my rooms...<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-6635518035582649202010-05-17T10:00:00.000-07:002010-05-17T16:19:01.252-07:00alive with change<span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >oh goodness, here i am again, just when you all have most likely given up hope! it may well be impossible to communicate how absorbing graduate school and life has been, or how each day is full to bursting...<br /><br />i am sorry for dropping out of your lives for so long. faithful readers of this blog, you deserve better treatment!<br /><br />so today, i am back in blogging mode, with the head space to write. this conversational style of writing almost feels wrong, after my complete switch to academic writing. and what a large volume of writing it has been this year! and reading, piles and piles of reading and research! i am learning things that make me excited to be alive, inspired to be entering a field with so much potential for growth and change.<br /><br />i figured out recently that as much as i crave peace and stillness...i love change.<br /><br />progress. change. pushing limits. these are the things that occupy my thoughts. after what seems like a lifetime of viewing the glass half-empty, i have stepped fully into optimism! what a dramatic shift in thinking and feeling i've experienced in the last nine months or so. reflecting on how and why, i can only conclude that my energy has become centered on helping others - which automatically pulls me out of self-absorption. the difference in my outlook and happiness level is dramatic, to say the least.<br /><br />you all know how many months i spent all my energy on healing my body and how difficult that journey was on every level. the process demanded self-absorption and this blog is a record of exactly that. i am so grateful for you, dear sweet readers, who took a friendly interest in my story and my struggles. your support held me in just the ways i needed! thank you, a thousand times, thank you!<br /><br />the story of my past few months is a good one, with bits too juicy to tell the world, frankly. i've had my heart cracked open in the most surprising ways, the best possible ways. i am full of joy and for the first time in many years, i believe in love again. truth be told, my heart has been shut tight against romantic love for a very long while. i had experienced so much hurt and betrayal, i just couldn't see the benefit of a partner. i viewed the glass as half-empty. all i could see was the risk, compromise and sacrifice required to be with someone.<br /><br />this has all changed. i have been struck with some powerful magic in this area. my heart is wide open. and even though i now have allowed myself to feel the space beside me that i want to be filled by someone very special, somehow even that empty space is ok. it's not always comfortable, but i have realized that i must hold that space open in my heart for anyone to enter my life. in the past, i have viewed that "holding space" thing as caving in to society's expectations, or somehow admitting that i was incomplete, that my life was missing something important.<br /><br />now, i know that i am complete, but also open to expansion and to the kind of growth, change and balance that a partner can bring. being whole as i am and also wanting to be partnered aren't mutually exclusive states of being. now, i just don't see matters of the heart as black and white. love isn't a equation, easy to understand and explain. in fact, love is full of mystery, it's sometimes messy and words can only make feeble attempts to describe it. but when love enters your life and you're listening, it is clear.<br /><br />so all i will say on love is that my heart has changed. </span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >i'm trusting my heart more these days.</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" > i'm listening differently and that is a welcome change...</span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-48566313057955514552010-02-05T10:43:00.000-08:002010-02-05T10:49:52.471-08:00a tiny update: all is well in my world<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">oh, my friends the stories i have to tell you! but no time to write here, grad school and work and closing the jewelry studio has consumed every waking moment. some stories are even so good and spicy, i won't be telling them here, for the world to read. but i know you, my most faithful readers, still want news!! thank-you for asking for news, i am sorry to have neglected this blog for so long.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">i am happy. i am well. i am better than good.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">more news soon, soon. within the month of february, how about that?</span></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-52075886280450547392009-11-14T12:10:00.000-08:002009-11-18T13:38:37.837-08:00tay gets her groove back and other miracles<span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >remember when i wrote <a href="http://myturnip.blogspot.com/2008/10/whos-that-girl.html">this post</a>? and <a href="http://myturnip.blogspot.com/2008/07/angry-not-pretty.html">this one</a>? i was dazed, confused and anxious. i wanted my body back. i needed answers and i needed hope. four years. four years of chronic inflammation that stopped me in my tracks, literally. i couldn't dance and for a long while, even walk without pain. my arm flared into throbbing pain if i tried to scrub my bathtub. i stopped scrubbing my bathtub.<br /><br />then cancer. then my breasts, the breasts i loved from the beginning -changed forever. i felt i lost them. i felt i lost my sexiness. i fell into despair with my body.<br /><br />what i did lose in reality was my confidence, my hard won, healthy self-esteem. i did indeed lose my groove. that ball dropped and rolled away.<br /><br />i didn't happen overnight, this losing of my confidence, my sense of womanly self that projected desirable, attractive, sexy. it started with pain, pain that clouded my vision. anyone who has ever been in chronic pain knows about how difficult it is to see clearly when that veil comes down.<br /><br />pain gets between you and your best self. pain pushes the world away. i stopped going out, stopped dating for long periods. i didn't feel like good company. i couldn't see why anyone would want me. i felt broken. i felt ugly. because of my heel pain, i had to wear only sensible shoes, running shoes. i covered my body with layers of loose clothes, always in dark colors.<br /><br />i didn't want to be seen. i stopped even trying to look attractive most of the time. i think i forget how to take care of that part of me. i mourned for the person i used to be. and even though i didn't show it much on this blog, i was often bitter. often very, <span style="font-style: italic;">very</span> angry.<br /><br />the beautiful thing i am writing to share today is this story line has completely changed. in the past nine weeks, i have made massive changes to my diet, removing everything that my body reacts to. the results so far are nothing short of a miracle. i had this crazy, scary medical mystery, remember <a href="http://myturnip.blogspot.com/2009/03/speedboat-and-rock.html">this post</a>?<br /><br />today, i feel the mystery is solved. i am finally able to heal, really heal!<br /><br />i am walking around in a different body, one with rapidly decreasing inflammation. a body that bounces back and heals. a body that can wear cute shoes and scrub the bathtub. i am even beginning to believe that in the future, perhaps in the next few months, i will be able to begin to dance and exercise freely again! there are lots of physical signs that my body is healing after all these years. and in the end, the answer was as simple as <span style="font-style: italic;">food</span>.<br /><br />10 weeks ago, based on <a href="http://myturnip.blogspot.com/2009/09/finally-abundance-of-answers.html">the results</a> of my ALCAT test, i removed the allergens. i stopped eating the foods that were making me sick and now, i am healing. common healthy foods like tomatoes and yogurt and blueberries. salmon and coconut and spinach. 83 common foods, in fact! for years, i thought i was feeding my body the healthiest diet possible. yet, i didn't get better. long time readers of this blog know, i had an increase in strange symptoms.<br /><br />can you believe it, my friends? i have my groove back. i feel alive and sexy in my body. my sparkle is back and people are noticing. i have begun to think i can date again. i am actually beginning to love my body, even these changed and scarred breasts -again.<br /><br />as little as four months ago, i did not think i would ever be here, feeling as good as i do in this moment.<br /><br />i have not found the self i lost, for that girl is gone. but i have found a new self, a wiser self. and i approach my life with so much gratitude these days. six months ago i thought to just have work that is meaningful and that i love would be enough. i didn't beleive i would ever really get my groove back. but i kept pushing for an answer. the food allergy testing was my last idea to try, my last hope of figuring it all out.<br /><br />such a radical diet change requires daily commitment to my well-being. i cannot get lazy or busy and forget to nurture myself. those days of going blindly through life are really and truly over. they are part of the girl i lost, the part that needed to go.<br /><br />i will leave you with just this. solving this piece has opened the doors to so much that is new and wonderful and exciting. i feel like anything is possible now. my body and i are friends again and together, we are making the most of every day.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-26020315994023592332009-10-12T12:38:00.000-07:002009-10-12T15:24:06.173-07:00looking through a new lens<span style="font-size:130%;">as i approach the 2-year mark on my cancer diagnosis, i realize the complete absorption in everything related to my health is being replaced with concerns outside of me. slowly, the rest of the world is returning to focus. i really welcome this shift in attention. lately, i have had entire days when i don't think about cancer, my health or the past.<br /><br />research, writing and reflection on what i am learning in grad school has my mind plenty full. what a relief!<br /><br />this transition from being self-centered to other-centered isn't easy, particularly graceful or smooth, however. my social skills, specifically my listening skills, atrophied in the past couple of years. i am often feeling awkward these days, as i relearn how to relate, connect and feel comfortable out in the world again. i constantly feel the pull between my impulse to share my thoughts and the realization that i learn more listening.<br /><br />shut your mouth, i tell myself. my head is busy with self-editing these days. i am trying to keep my self-judgment honest, but soft. i know beating myself up after a conversation isn't productive.<br /><br />i feel incredibly blessed in my graduate program. the nature of our studies puts a focus on developing listening skills, with ample opportunity to practice. it's like going back to therapy, but this time, as the person listening, not the person talking. this blog is a good place to do the talking and processing i still need for growth, actually. and i am so thankful that there are a few of you out there in cyberspace that want to listen in on my journey.<br /><br />i keep feeling amazed at my good fortune to have found this career path at just the right time in my life.<br /><br />a little tidbit from my reading this week: did you know the human brain keeps on growing throughout your whole life? every time you learn something new, a new connection is made in the brain, it actually physically changes. finding opportunities as adults to challenge our brains to learn new things takes effort and commitment, if you aren't in graduate school. but the rewards are real.<br /><br />next, i tackle learning Spanish. now that i know my brain is up to the task, i am excited. what are you excited about these days? i'd love to hear from you all.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-50713390086472473862009-09-26T14:40:00.000-07:002009-09-26T15:33:32.064-07:00this is what i came for<span style="font-size:130%;">consumed. what does it mean to be consumed by love, by work or perhaps by work you love? for for now and for the next 22 months i am consumed by graduate school. that's the general outline, but the details of the story are more interesting, rich with ideas and sprinkled with gems.<br /><br />really, i am consumed by learning -in the best way, like how with a new love you want to spend every second together.<br /><br />yes, i am busy, with a plate fuller than it's been in some time. reading, research, writing, learning, teaching. i don't select the items on the plate for the most part, i accepted the invitation to this banquet after all. in times past, this dictated order and structure might have had me chaffing and restless.<br /><br />everything feels different in my life now. i am happy, contented even. how novel!<br /><br />education, equity, social justice, motivation theory...it all is so fascinating that i find i am engaged fully, every waking moment. it all feels right, walking this path, earning this particular degree and entering this field. what i have learned in the first three weeks of school is that the field of school counseling is both wide and open. it's current model is a significant departure from the guidance counselor model we all grew up with, it is called <a href="http://www2.edtrust.org/edtrust/Transforming+School+Counseling/counseling+background">transformative school counseling</a>. the model is less than a decade old and there is much growth ahead. over the course of my career, i could choose to contribute on many levels, from hands-on in the schools to research and writing, all the way to advocacy on a national level.<br /><br />already, i am in love with the research. oh, and the students. the students!<br /><br />i started one of my placements this week, the year-long teaching practicum i am doing at an alternative high school. it is an amazing program that welcomed me with open arms, excited to have extra help. i am working with two humanities teachers, so i get the opportunity to observe different teaching styles. the students all have overcome huge personal obstacles and were not successful in traditional high school. these are the youth that have been thrown away by schools, society and often their own parents. yet they come to this program with a commitment to make a new life and a future they are proud to direct. hearing their stories this week renewed my deeply held belief that anything is possible. it is so easy to feel hopeless these days, with the economy, the health care crises and all the negative spin around us. but when i spend time with the raw power of the human spirit and see the hunger these young adults have to make a life, a good life -then it's hard to feel anything but awed, humbled, amazed, inspired, grateful.<br /><br />this is what i came for.<br /><br />to be witness to transformation. (and occasionally a guide.) to sit at the crossroads with young people and support moving their life in a positive, new direction. you can smell the fear in the room, but you can also feel a strong swelling of hope and purpose, as they are discovering strength, finding confidence and showing up for themselves.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-50122718488576713312009-09-11T11:33:00.000-07:002009-09-11T12:27:45.266-07:00change, all the way to my cells<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/SqqkfrtI_uI/AAAAAAAAAJU/7UI22KlR3Ig/s1600-h/ALCATresults-Tay.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 309px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/SqqkfrtI_uI/AAAAAAAAAJU/7UI22KlR3Ig/s400/ALCATresults-Tay.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380293569062436578" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">ten days into my radical shift in diet and i have both triumphs and struggles to report. following my ALCAT diet has had wonderful effects on my health already. I've lost five pounds, my energy has increased <span style="font-style: italic;">significantly</span> and i don't have that constant feeling of craving something sweet.<br /><br />i think my cells are happy. i am not feeding my body anything that is toxic to me specifically, nothing that causes stress to process. since my body isn't preoccupied reacting to food particles it sees as enemies, it can use all of the fuel to create energy for living!<br /><br />what a radical concept to experience, not just read about as theory.<br /><br />i am so grateful to my creative nature and my nerdy interest in food & cooking. without that passion, making meals that satisfy out of my list of approved foods would be overwhelming and frustrating. of course, i have those moments of frustration, moments when i feel deprived and stuck. but each day i figure out another piece of the menu puzzle and that part of the journey is an exciting challenge.<br /><br />how can i feed myself well with all these restrictions?<br /><br />one way is simply by discovering new foods. foods i haven't eaten in years. a small bowl of bean sprouts is a perfect crunchy snack on a warm afternoon. i ventured out to the countryside with a dear friend and went organic fruit picking, coming home with armloads of juicy blackberries and the most exquisite italian plums. i had so much energy last week, i canned the fruit immediately. one thing led to another and i just kept on canning, also making yummy bread & butter style pickles with zucchini instead of cucumbers. i adapted my grandmother's recipe and they are delicious!<br /><br />snack foods are the most difficult, as i don't want to rely too much on nuts. today i am making crackers in my dehydrator, subbing almond meal & hemp powder for the flax and hoping for great results. since garlic is out, i am learning what flavors i can achieve with different kinds of onions.<br /><br />it is hard to describe, but even my connective tissue feels different. perhaps the inflammation is going down and that explains the sense that my muscles and tissues are not "sticky" anymore. frankly, i don't think i even realized how much fatigue and "icky all over" feeling i had in my body until it began to change this past week.<br /><br />and now for the bad news. *sigh*<br /><br />i have not been sleeping well at all. starting school has upped my anxiety. my brain suddenly has way too much to hold and it feels like 100 monkeys are tap dancing in there in a mosh pit. changing my entire diet while dealing with some stressful final jewelry orders, starting the term and the general anxiety i always have leading up to my birthday...well, you see the picture. it's not so pretty.<br /><br />but i know this will pass, everything does. yet in the middle of the night, somehow that is not comforting. sleep feels like a guardian angel that has abandoned her post.<br /><br />and i am coping as best i can. cooking up a birthday plan for next week that feels like a sweet celebration, but not adding to the stress mess. i am making massive lists to try to get some of that jumble out of my head. i am drinking calming tea and taking supplements, all my tricks are out of the box and in play.<br /><br />thanks for your continuous support my friends. it's humbling and uplifting.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-74746353618662016752009-09-01T09:16:00.000-07:002009-09-01T09:53:13.600-07:00finally, an abundance of answers!<span style="font-size:130%;">the results of my ALCAT blood test for food intolerance are finally in my hands. i had a two hour meeting with my new natropath doctor yesterday and learned so much. in addition to the list of 86 foods i show a reaction too, i also learned my body is not breaking down and processing proteins very well.<br /><br />today is the beginning of a new approach to eating and digesting.<br /><br />i'm now taking a supplement to increase the stomach acids to break down those proteins. for the next months, i will strictly avoid the foods on my list that show reactions. i am sure this will take new creative cooking efforts, as many of the foods i depend on are those that i am actually intolerant to!<br /><br />of the 86 forbidden foods, 23 are staples in my diet: banana, cucumber, fennel, garlic, ginger, lime, soybean, spinach, tomato, basil, blueberry, celery, chicken, cinnamon, coconut, corn, egg white, fig, flax seed, lemon, mushroom, nutmeg, salmon, vanilla.<br /><br />oh, and all gluten, all dairy. *deep sigh*<br /><br />no more homemade yogurt, which is what i am mourning as i write this post at breakfast time. however, i now recall that every time i have gone off dairy (and i don't eat much, just homemade yogurt, sheep's milk romano and some goat cheese) i have lost weight. with so many health issues to address, i know it is worth it to make these changes. i need to finally, after 4 years, heal my chronic inflammation problems in my arms and heel. i don't ever want to re-visit the vertigo and arthritis pain in my back from the last few months. and then there is the general intestinal distress i've dealt with for, let's see...oh, about 25 years.<br /><br />and cancer. i certainly don't ever want to see his face again. cancer is directly tied to inflammation in the body. anything i can do to bring down inflammation will benefit every cell i have.<br /><br />i was pretty deflated yesterday after meeting the doctor, but this morning i am feeling up to the task of overhauling my food plan.<br /><br />some good news in my results include favorite staple foods that i have no adverse reaction to at all: chocolate, cabbage, sardines, quinoa, olive, almonds, sesame, lentils, onion, swiss chard...and since chicken is out, i will turn to the approved meats...turkey, lamb, beef, plus a large variety of fish and seafood is ok. I don't eat much meat and when i do it's always organic, pasture-raised. which is expensive and that factor naturally limits my intake.<br /><br />the loss i feel most keenly is coconut, lemons, egg white & dairy. but i will survive and i am sure, start eating other foods that are just as yummy. after a month, i can re-introduce a food from the mild reactive list, like coconut, and see how i do. so there is hope that some of my favorites might come back in rotation in a few months. i am guessing the dairy is gone for good, however.<br /><br />i will have to find someone to eat my beautiful tomatoes on the plants i have been lovingly growing for months on my little patio...i guess i will just have to enjoy them visually!<br /><br />i also learned from the results of my colonoscopy & endoscopy that i don't have any gluten damage in my intestines, which means my year off gluten has healed the system. i'm very happy to know my body's natural healing process is working.<br /><br />i start my graduate program fall classes next week, so life is about to get pretty busy. but i will be updating the blog with my progress on this new eating protocol, so stay tuned for what i hope will be all good news!<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-37653303169205202032009-08-22T11:51:00.000-07:002009-08-22T13:37:16.986-07:00getting closer every day<span style="font-size:130%;">it has been a packed few weeks since my last post here. i don't yet have the answers i seek, but i do feel <span style="font-style: italic;">incredibly encouraged</span> and more certain than i have ever been that i will get those answers. my quest to figure out where this crazy back pain/arthritis and the vertigo is coming from has been a long and twisty road with plenty of nay-sayers along the way.<br /><br />i hope to be set free with the answers that are coming on august 31st, when i get the results of the blood test i did for intolerance to 200 foods and 10 environmental chemicals. my worst case scenario would be results that showed high reaction to chocolate, cabbage, coconut, almonds & chlorine. but i am determined to be healthy, so even if i give up all my favorites and swimming...well, i believe it will be worth it to be healthy.<br /><br />i found a natropath doc here that specializes in just the path of inquiry i have been on. intestinal disturbance, food allergies, arthritis and the links between them. when i found her, it seemed like all the stars in the universe finally aligned to help me on my quest. <span style="font-style: italic;">she doesn't think i am crazy!</span> i can hardly believe she is also in my new insurance network, so follow-up visits will cost me less than $10. she also gave me her professional price on the big blood test, so i saved several hundred dollars, which feels like nothing short of a miracle!<br /><br />in other health news: the colonoscopy went well, although biopsy results won't be in until this monday. yesterday i went into the operating room for what i hope will be the last time in this lifetime. my plastic surgeon did some revision on my breasts where they had not healed well and the scars had stretched and weakened. right away i can see the difference and it is very positive! i am sore and stiff today, but i know this will pass and soon i'll be able to swim and be active again.<br /><br />they did most of the procedure with just local anesthetic, but to take the edge off, i also had some of the stuff that killed michael jackson. it's meant for small doses given in hospitals during surgery, you know.<br /><br />*sigh* such a sad case...<br /><br />this month of august has been full, very task-oriented and focused on getting ready to be a full time student, with minimal distractions. i set my office/study room in order with new files, desktop and shelves. mountains of papers have been sorted, filed, recycled and shredded. i am filled with a quiet joy, seeing the office take shape into an organized space. one of the most satisfying projects was taking my whole CD collection (most of which were in boxes) and removing them from the bulky jewel cases and presto! they all fit in one zipped-up 3-ring binder. i really wish i'd done <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> years ago.<br /><br />there is my theme for august: getting it done. oh, and <span style="font-style: italic;">having fun</span>. more on that later.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-33797730702228995032009-08-05T13:25:00.000-07:002009-08-05T13:52:54.451-07:00answers, i need answers<span style="font-size:130%;">hello again, my friends. for the past few weeks, i have been completely and happily absorbed in graduate school. the program is exciting, intense and just what the doctor ordered. it has been wonderful to focus on ideas and fill my brain up with all that new knowledge, instead of concentrating on my health 24/7.<br /><br />how boring. it has been a boring stretch of months, thinking about my health so intently. this summer, it was great to change the channel and tune into something altogether new.<br /><br />now i am on summer break and the health stuff is back on the front page again. *sigh*<br /><br />i do feel much closer to figuring out my medical mystery. like sherlock holmes with no watson to assist me, i have been looking & thinking, researching & taking notes...turning over every rock to find my answers. this past week, the vertigo returned. oh shit. this time, it again showed up with back pain. thankfully, i have the motion sickness medicine from that trip to the ER in march. i take it when the room is spinning as i wake in the morning and it makes me so sleepy, am ready for a nap at noon.<br /><br />i remain convinced that a slow-reaction food allergy or intolerance is at the root of all these mysterious symptoms. finding a doctor that doesn't think i am crazy has proved difficult. my secret fear is that i am crazy and i will never find an answer.<br /><br />it is stressful knowing at any time, for no apparent reason, i can have a spell of vertigo, or intense back pain. it is very debilitating! what if this happens when i am in school?<br /><br />on my own, i am getting blood drawn at a lab here and sending it to a well-respected testing facility. the test is called the ALCAT and i'll be tested for delayed reactions to 200 foods. i need answers and even though this test is expensive, i think having answers (even if i learn i can't eat some of my favorite foods) will be comforting. at this point i feel like i can deal with anything except mystery.<br /><br />i'm also having a colonoscopy next monday, so maybe the tissue samples from my digestive system will also provide some answers.<br /><br />maybe, just maybe, if i spend just one more month on the health stuff, i can figure it out and move on. i really want and need to move on. i have so much energy to give when i am not wrapped up in my health and medical issues.<br /><br />manifesting answers. let it be so.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-39329382789686659342009-06-25T12:16:00.000-07:002009-06-25T13:24:42.560-07:00yes to all of it<span style="font-size:130%;">last fall i saw an astrologer and she told me that come summer, my whole routine structure would be blown away and something new would replace it. lo and behold, it is happening, my life is changing. radically. on june 8, i became a graduate student, an experience i have jumped into with both feet.<br /><br />my head and heart came along as well. things are blowing away, old dead ideas being replaced with exciting growth. i feel like everything is buzzing, like a busy hive of information in my brain.<br /><br />the shifts are flowing through all parts of my life. for instance, once my financial aid check came, any remaining desire i had to continue my production line of jewelry dissipated immediately. i was only doing it for income, there was no love left. i adore making pretty things and creating one-of-kind art. but for this artist, with repetition comes despair. i am so relieved to put all that to the side.<br /><br />i attended an all day orientation meeting at the college last week. our dean gave a very inspiring welcome speech to the group entering the school counseling program. one thing he said has really stuck with me - that by beginning this program, we are entering a period of our lives committed to intellectual and <span style="font-style: italic;">personal </span>growth.<br /><br />personal growth. i had been thinking of this going back to school thing as first, a means to an end (to get a job I love) and second, as a process of expanding my knowledge. sure, i assumed that intellectual growth is built in to a graduate school experience. but <span style="font-style: italic;">personal</span> growth? when the dean spoke, that philosophy impressed me and inspired me. and already, after just one course, i am finding the material challenging and feel myself stretching, expanding...growing.<br /><br />this is so exciting. i feel that i am exactly where i need to be. the right time in my life, the right academic path and the right institution.<br /><br />i love that this program is on the cutting edge of preparing school counselors to be agents of change, real leaders in the schools. i love the focus on social justice and diversity. i am so excited to be pushed and already find biases being exposed as my brain goes click-click-click and my heart swells up a bit more.<br /><br />i have been talking about my longing to get back to spiritual development for a while now. without realizing it, i seem to have chosen a program and a career path that is perfectly lined up with that desire.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-14722759320033696102009-05-31T11:11:00.000-07:002009-06-25T12:15:25.969-07:00a bright burning star is gone<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/SkPMxhyqiGI/AAAAAAAAAIk/9GWSCgOV2JY/s1600-h/leneaandi1985.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 271px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/SkPMxhyqiGI/AAAAAAAAAIk/9GWSCgOV2JY/s400/leneaandi1985.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5351345933502810210" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >my friend died yesterday, she was only 43. her name is lenea and we have been friends for 27 years. in high school we were inseparable in junior and senior years. neither of us fit in very well in our suburban high school, we didn't think like the rest of our peers. </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >both eldest children, we bitched about our siblings and compared notes on all the ways our parents failed us. lenea had a smile that made your heart melt. </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >we shopped together, went out drinking with fake ID cards and dressed up for halloween. we shared a very strong bond even after high school ended, in fact, she felt abandoned when i left for a year in europe after graduation. by the time i returned, she had moved to the east coast for college. we've had our ups and downs, like every relationship, especially one between two strong-willed opinionated women. uppity women, one could say - in our younger years.<br /><br />time and distance never changed the love between us. even if we hadn't spoken in months, we could call each other and pick up a conversation right where we left it last time. our friendship brought great comfort to us both over the years.<br /><br />yet, as i hung up the phone today after receiving the news from her husband, i was flooded with guilt and shame for all the ways i failed her as a friend when she got sick. the emails i left unanswered because i was too busy. i should have sent cards and care packages from the first news of her illness. she should never have to had wondered for a second if i cared for her.<br /><br />three years ago, i didn't know what it was like to face a serious health issue.<br /><br />then i got cancer, and a friend i cared about deeply and depended on dropped out of my life completely. i was puzzled, then hurt. hurt turned to bitterness and then later, to acceptance and some kind of forgiveness finally came. i saw that we are all struggling on some level and those struggles can get in the way of being present to others. even, or maybe especially, those we care about the most. being present for a dear one being sick takes courage because it brings to light our own frailty, our own vulnerability to disease.<br /><br />if she can get cancer, so can i. maybe if i don't engage with the illness, it won't be real.<br /><br />it took my friend lenea to show me how to get to acceptance. after i seemed to disappear from her life when she got sick (did i know how serious it was? i don't think so. i remember i thought, she is married, she has lots of friends there to support her, she doesn't really need me. months flew by in the blur. the blur of work and worry over the everyday. petty worries. while lenea's life, her fight for life, was 3,000 miles away. i didn't know she was fighting for life, but i should have asked) lenea went through all those stages. her feeling were really hurt and she tried to put me out of her heart, to save her energy for healing. she finally got well enough to write me and express her forgiveness. she missed me and wanted to re-connect, even after i hurt her feelings.<br /><br />here is a portion of an email from 2 years after she got sick where lenea explains what she has:<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >"</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;color:navy;" >Scleroderma is an autoimmune disease that affects the skin, organs and muscles. It is similar to lupus, however in this case, the body views each component as foreign and wages war. The disease manifests itself in the form of inflammation and subsequent development of scar tissue. When the process affects organs such as the heart and lungs, the development of scar tissue results in a loss of organ flexibility (i.e. loss of function). My lungs were saved and now have approximately 50% capacity and my heart is impaired. All of this means that I can participate in limited exercise and have a modified life style. I am also supposed to restrict the amount of red meat and salt intake. Eventually it may become necessary for me to consider a heart / lung transplant. I am undecided about whether that is something I want to pursue. I believe that in this life there are stars that burn long and stars that burn bright. I would like to think that my star is a bright burner."<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >today i am humbled and grieved. her heart stopped and my oldest friend is gone from this earth. lenea's last email to me was so cheerful, she reported her health improving steadily and she was thrilled at my acceptance into graduate school. she always, always believed in me and wished the very best for me. it often grieved her to see me struggle in life.<br /><br />i think of the little things that cause hurt feelings and wedge between friends. there are people i should call. i have too often let friendships lapse and drift away for no reason at all. no good reason, anyway. fear of rejection, a resistance to emotional confrontation, an tendency to be self-absorbed when i am broke or ill.</span><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:130%;color:navy;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);"><br /><br />close friendships are one of the foundations of good health and long life. i've never had a particularly easy time making close friends and today i finally get the truth: i need to keep the friends i have.</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);">nurturing friendships is simply the most important work of being human. what are we, indeed what am i, without my connection to other people?</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);"><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);">thank-you, all my friends who read this blog for your kindness, your patience with me and the gift of your love.<br /><br />today i feel profoundly unworthy and deeply grateful.</span><br /></span></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-75533561960059584772009-05-24T15:57:00.000-07:002009-05-24T16:34:04.584-07:00living my story<span style="font-size:130%;">as you may have noticed, i have not been blogging. sometimes i have this reaction to blogging, that i should<span style="font-style: italic;"> just get over myself </span>and stop blathering on about this or that health problem. i wonder if people still read my story, now that it's not all drama and trauma.<br /><br />i guess the biggest thing keeping me from blogging is just life. i have been <span style="font-style: italic;">living my story</span> more and telling it less. which is a good sign of healing, i believe.<br /><br />on june 8, i start my first graduate school class and i'm so excited. i have been making some jewelry, as a few orders have trickled in...just the right amount, actually. my patio garden has been occupying many happy hours, both in the planning and in execution. also, my part time job has been more like full time this past month, so i've been very busy doing leasing here at the apartment complex i manage.<br /><br />perhaps the best thing going on is exercise. i committed to a minimum of 3 days a week in water exercise class and i have been sticking to it. only at the end of this last week did i begin to enjoy it. losing a few pounds has encouraged me and i have discovered that going off sugar makes me feel fully sane, happy and clear-headed.<br /><br />life in my body is getting better. i feel very hopeful about the future with this body.<br /><br />even so, i do still have a medical mystery to solve. yes, i have spent dozens of hours researching weird arthritis symptoms and food allergies, to name just a few. when i last wrote, it seemed my mystery was solved. however, after the MRI results came back, my specialist wasn't so certain about the AS diagnosis. so he is sending me on to the gastroenterology department and i am sending myself to an allergist for testing.<br /><br />personally, my gut tells me this: it's the food.<br /><br />food allergies create symptoms all over the map. symptoms that mirror my list quite clearly. so i am keeping a food journal, writing down every little morsel i consume, how my body feels and how i feel emotionally. i am only 1 week into that journal process and it's already illuminating.<br /><br />we will see where this search for answers takes me, my dear readers. perhaps this blog will turn into one about these new issues and discoveries. i sure as hell don't want to be the high-maintenance girl that can't go out and eat because she is allergic to x, y, z, and 40 other things. however, i would do anything (heaven help me, even give up chocolate) to avoid the pain i experienced in march.<br /><br />that's it, folks. all the news that is, here in my casa. what is new with you?<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-91553006785047960192009-05-03T12:31:00.000-07:002009-05-03T13:12:24.049-07:00the sign says "go this way"<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">ankylosing spondylitis. that is the verdict from my new specialist, dr. deodhar at OHSU. last monday i met with him and with a few minutes of examining me, listening to my symptoms and reading my family medical history, he said what i have is a classical presentation of <a href="http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/332945-overview">ankylosing spondylitis.</a><br /><br />so what does this mean for me? first of all, dr. deodhar said i must lose weight and begin to swim or do water exercise at least 4 days a week. i must have regular cardio exercise with zero to low-impact on my joints. yoga is also recommended, although i will begin with a focus on the water exercise for now. slow and steady wins the race...if i needed further motivation to get my butt in gear, well now i have it in the form of a prescription!<br /><br />i guess it's good news on some level. it is good to have <span style="font-style: italic;">an answer</span> and a direction of treatment to pursue. i still don't know what sparked the attack of acute, intense back pain and vertigo of march, but i do feel they are related. my diagnosis of AS is revealing, but not the full answer on some levels. i hope to gain the answer to that mystery at my next appointment. my x-rays came back without showing degenerative damage in my lower back vertebrae and pelvis, so that is also good news. i seem to have caught it early enough to (hopefully) prevent degeneration.<br /><br />after all, i want the next 50 years of my life to be active, healthy and full of adventure!<br /><br />since my last post, i have been bustling around in the studio with orders and busy gardening on my patio. i have a small rose garden that after years of neglect, is finally getting tended, weeded and mulched. i fought a brutal battle with aphids (3,000 ladybugs lost their lives) and have emerged victorious. today, tomato and basil plants are going into pots. a small bed of multi-color sunflowers are being seeded. i have dreams of turning this little patio into a fruitful kitchen garden.<br /><br />this year, it is an experiment. yet, hopefully will be able to enjoy cut flowers and fresh veggies from right outside my back door in a couple of months.<br /><br />spring is in full swing. summer is coming, even through the rain, i can see that sunshine on the other side. and i am excited to enjoy summer, my summer of new things.<br /><br />on june 8, my first graduate school class begins. i am nervous and excited. the summer classes are offered as intensives, so i will have one class everyday 8-5 for a solid week, then it's done. whew! what a way to begin the program. i am taking full time credits this summer, but only actually in class for about four weeks.<br /><br />so there will be plenty of time to dig into my gardening projects and other summer pleasures. i would like to go blueberry picking and make pickles. and i will be clocking in some hours each week at the ymca, of course.<br /><br />what does summer hold in store for you this year?</span><br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-62339297416465975942009-04-19T12:58:00.000-07:002009-04-19T13:43:16.254-07:00finding my beautiful again<span style="font-size:130%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/SeuJ39FYPiI/AAAAAAAAAIc/eKieRund5XQ/s1600-h/2982_1079010628576_1625604220_209879_2135919_n.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_GZ6XzfNKKwA/SeuJ39FYPiI/AAAAAAAAAIc/eKieRund5XQ/s400/2982_1079010628576_1625604220_209879_2135919_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326502578678677026" border="0" /></a>it is a gorgeous sunny day here in portland, so i will keep this post short. my afternoon plans involve beginning to plant my container garden on my new patio. tiny victory garden, here i come!<br /><br />a positive frame of mind has continued through this week and grown, in fact. spring does wonders for the spirit, although last year at this time i was not tuned into the season change. that post-radiation period is a blur in my memory. thank goodness i am a year past all that and moving into wonderful, life-affirming new things!<br /><br />the photo above was taken on our family trip to mexico at the beginning of april. my sister meghan (right) and sister-in-law, heather (center) and i had all picked up these fun dresses as souvenirs. that evening marks the first time i have felt beautiful in a long time...since before the cancer, before november of 2007.<br /><br />since that special night, in the tropical magic with my family all around, i have been reflecting on just what made the change. what elements came together to turn the tide in my self-esteem around the way i look. or really, the way i feel about how i look.<br /><br />i came to some encouraging conclusions:<br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-size:130%;">wearing contacts all week instead of my glasses and putting on a bit of make-up was a factor. a bigger factor than i realized, all these months i haven't worn contacts because of the cost. this piece of insight is encouraging because it's easy to fix.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">being relaxed and letting go of worry gives a girl a glow. yes, i was on a great vacation, but that doesn't mean i have to be back into worry-mode here at home. in fact, now that i know my financial aid starts coming in june, i am feeling all the big worries slide away. knowing i am on a really good career path for me takes so much worry out of life.<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">having my wonderful family all around, feeling so loved and getting tons of hugs from the kids was so sustaining. being connected to people you love also brings a beautiful glow. well, back here in portland, i am still 3,000 miles away from my family. but i can connect more with friends i love here.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">not being in pain is a great beauty treatment! the combination of rest, exercise, warmth, good company and excellent tequila made for a nearly pain-free week. it seems like at least some of those things can be reproduced here at home. i'm going to try, anyway! (one bottle of amazing tequila came home with me...to be sipped and savored...even just smelling it transports me to a happy place)<br /></span></li></ul><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />back home, i am feeling better than i have in many months. i have a new potion for clearing up my acne working wonders, i'm spending a little time actually trying to look good everyday. this is new and i realize now i have been trying to be invisible for such a long time, i forgot what tools i even used to look bright and attractive!<br /><br />little encouragements mean alot. something that i write here on my list might seem of small consequence to most. yet we all have those things that either boost our confidence or serve to erode it, bit by bit. the unsightly tattoo marker that was put on between my breasts for radiation treatment really bugged me, it meant i couldn't wear low-cut tops. it added to all the angst over my mangled breasts and i have hated the reminder, seeing it everyday since feburary 4, 2008. so i have been getting laser treatments to remove it and finally, after several months, i am seeing great progress. it's quite faint now, nearly gone.<br /><br />a check-up with my plastic surgeon that did my breast lift & reduction in decemeber went well this past week. the breast is shifting into shape, a rather nice shape. something i couldn't even imagine four months ago! the scars are not as they should be, however. but even there, he had good news. easy-peasy scar revision can improve that gnarly area, with minimal recovery time. in fact, he said the stuck-down, indented scar on the other breast, where my tumors were removed, can also be fixed every easily. i left his office on cloud nine, let me tell you. motivated and inspired to do everything i can to improve myself through exercise and diet because for the first time in 18 months, i can see the possibility that i can get back to feeling good naked.<br /><br />i look into the future and i see myself feeling better and better and better. sitting here today, i <span style="font-style: italic;">know</span> i am going to get my groove back and find my beautiful, more each day.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-1163350287769508972009-04-14T17:46:00.000-07:002009-04-14T23:38:36.501-07:00facing the sea, feeling loved<span style="font-size:130%;">friends, there is a real sea change in my life...can you feel it? the wind has shifted, there is a quickening of energy. maybe it's simply spring, but i don't think so. i think things are changing, really moving in a positive direction.<br /><br />perhaps last week - away from reality and into the cosy arms of my family (in a dreamy, tropical setting, no less -cozumel, mexico) has colored my view all rosy-sweet? who cares. it just feels good to feel better than i have felt in months and months </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >and months</span><span style="font-size:130%;">.<br /><br />the light in the end of the tunnel is shining bright.<br /><br />grad school is coming. better health is coming. financial aid is coming and that means less worries. less worry mean more energy! more energy for learning and growing. more energy for nurturing friendships.<br /><br />last week i faced a big fear. i swam in the ocean. a sparkling, warm, turquoise ocean with my family all around me. i would love to say that it was magical and snorkeling was easy and i saw lots of amazing things under the water. but that isn't how the story really goes. we swam out a long ways from the shore to reach the reef. i didn't realize it was a yellow flag day and the waves were bigger than i could handle. the long swim exhausted me, even with the help of my sweet nephew, holding my elbow to guide me to the last raft before the final swim to the reef.<br /><br />goodness, what ever was i thinking? i tried to go from zero to sixty and conquer a huge fear in one morning!<br /><br />i did finally make it to the reef and for just a minute, with my brother holding my hand, i snorkeled with my face in the water and saw a bit of coral, a couple of striped fish. i wanted to see the fields of sea fans on that reef, but i didn't make it that far. panic set in and even with my flotation vest, i was overcome. once you get water in your eyes and swallow a bit of salt water, it is hard to re-group. my sister-in-law stayed with me for a while, as i tried to get back on that reef and carry on. pretty quickly, i realized i just could not do it. my sister was also full of sea water and ready to go back to shore. together, we slowly made our way back.<br /><br />when i think of the experience now, i remember the panic, but more so, i remember how loved and protected i felt with my family, even my young nieces and nephew were looking out for me. (they are all confident swimmers). my other sister had taken her little boy (way too small for those waves) back to shore earlier and sent a marine park staffer on a jet-ski out to rescue me.<br /><br />i did something very brave (for me), i swam in the ocean, put my face and ears under the water. i didn't accomplish all i set out to do or see, but i got a powerful look at just how held i really am. it was very touching to have my 12-year-old nieces and nephew tell me how proud they were of me for trying.<br /><br />a few days later, i did get to see hundreds of fish. the experience wasn't flashy or particularly brave, but my sweet 9-year-old niece and i had a marvelous time looking at the schools of tropical fish right under the dock at our resort. big silver ones with blue stripes, tiny yellow ones with black stripes, like bumblebees...it was shallow enough to stand on the sandy bottom and just by putting our masks in the water, we could be close to all those colorful fish and feel perfectly safe. some of the time we held hands and the fish swam all around us, inches from our bodies.<br /><br />that hour was one of the best in my whole life.<br /><br />later, we looked up the kinds of fish we had seen and laughed over lunch. sharing the experience with her made it wonderful. the whole week was a lush soak in quality time with the people i love most. how lucky i was to get to take a special trip with them and how blessed i feel to have a family i want to spend that kind of time with. we belly-laughed often and were perfectly relaxed all week.<br /><br />does facing a big fear bring a sea change in life? i can't be sure, but i know it can't hurt. i do feel more free and more calm since that day in the ocean. i sense my confidence shift. i've been living with fear stuck close to my side for too long. i feel like i want to face other things i fear with an equal tossing of caution to the wind...<br /><br />...swim out into other uncharted waters and feel a loving hand on my elbow, guiding me.</span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-38050475627890965272009-04-01T12:10:00.000-07:002009-04-01T12:53:56.968-07:00miracles, big & small<span style="font-size:130%;">somehow, the entire month of march slipped by me. in pain or sick for most of it, i feel like i got nothing accomplished. so i am very glad to start a new month. my health seems to be steadily improving and after a couple of head adjustments with a skilled physical therapist, the rocks in my inner ear feel like they are back in place. no more feeling dizzy and heaven help me, no more trips to the emergency room!<br /><br />march hasn't been all gloom, however. there have been a couple of decidedly brilliant spots. my interview day at lewis & clark felt just right at the beginning of the month. then just last week, my acceptance letter to the graduate program arrived.<br /><br />and like magic, some jewelry sales have floated in without rhyme or reason. i guess abundance doesn't need a reason, it just is. the day the letter arrived, something shifted. suddenly, there was movement and last week delivered a wonderful flurry of orders. it was as if the universe was giving me a sign, a sign that somehow, the money part will all work out.<br /><br />today, more good news.<br /><br />for reasons i cannot begin to understand, my health insurance company that manages the COBRA plan has agreed to extend my coverage for an extra month, so i will have continuous coverage until my new plan through the college starts. i asked, expecting a immediate no, as insurance companies are not widely known to be in the business of compassion. for the past two weeks, they have been considering it and today, i heard officially that my request will be granted.<br /><br />it is a miracle, all of it. just in the nick of time, i have swerved my speeding boat away from the rock. there will be no deadly collision, i am safe.<br /><br />i am <span style="font-style: italic;">safe.</span> relief hardly even begins to cover what i am feeling.<br /><br />now to get my body to accept what my brain knows is true. i am going to be ok, i am being held and taken care of, once again. i can unclench my jaw and relax my neck. somehow, the answers i seek on the health front will appear as well. thank-you for all your caring and prayers through this time of worry, i appreciate you faithful friends so much.<br /><br />i realized a couple of days ago that last thursday, that very terrible, long day i spent at the emergency room was my <span style="font-style: italic;">one year anniversary of completing radiation treatment</span>. i am one year beyond cancer. many people begin to call themselves survivors at this point, but i don't like the term. i think perhaps i don't have to label myself at all. it is simple, really. cancer is in the past. i went through a cancer experience and now i am ready to focus my energy on other things.<br /><br />this blog is a testimony of what an incredible teacher cancer has been for me. my dear readers, you all know what i have learned and how much change my life has seen. i would not wish this particular teacher on anyone and i hope i never have to meet him again in this lifetime. but if cancer does come knocking on your door, know this: you can prepare for battle and fight him like an enemy, or you can accept him as a teacher and sit down to listen.<br /><br />honestly, i guess there is also a third option, which is to view him as a robber, come to steal your health, peace of mind and your best energy. there is no perfect way to handle cancer. i have experienced it as all three, enemy, teacher, robber...and i still have days where i look at the marks left on my body by cancer and feel robbed. but that gets me nowhere.<br /><br />the only way to relate to having cancer that has brought me <span style="font-style: italic;">any</span> shred of peace is as my teacher.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-7723707567251255772009-03-28T11:48:00.000-07:002009-03-28T12:19:42.993-07:00v is for victory and vertigo<span style="font-size:130%;">have you ever spent 11 hours in the emergency room? an insane experience if ever there was one. last thursday i woke up dizzy, again. i've been dizzy for over 2 weeks, but mildly so and it seemed to be decreasing. boy was i wrong! just getting a glass of water at the sink, the room began to spin violently and i was forced to sit down on the floor. i tried to focus my eyes on one spot, struggling in vain to get the room to stop spinning.<br /><br />the level of nausea rose dangerously.<br /><br />you can certainly predict what happened next. oh, it was awful. <span style="font-style: italic;">eight times</span>. worse yet, in my belly was only water and my morning vitamins. afterward, i couldn't stand or do anything useful.<br /><br />so, i canceled my office hours and crashed back into bed. a while later i woke to a call from my sister in michigan. she listened to my recent story and then read me the riot act. she insisted i go to the emergency room...<span style="font-style: italic;">and make it snappy!</span> obediently, i called a friend and i went. it is not advisable to argue with my sister at such times.<br /><br />i went, only to sit and sit and then sit some more. i could not read, i was too motion sick. i simply stared at the wall. afternoon slipped into evening and then into night. a kind angel came along and got my house key to go tend to my little dog, who was all alone in the dark and needing to pee. i got very chilled and quite dehydrated, i felt absolutely awful. finally after eight hours, they led me to a room. warm blankets, an iv line inserted, the tv on pbs. i was more comfortable, but things still moved at a snails pace. lovely nurses and even nicer doctors attended me. they did many tests and at long last, after reactivating the severe vertigo and the vomiting, they gave me a definitive diagnosis. you can read the <a href="http://www.dizziness-and-balance.com/disorders/bppv/bppv.html">details about BPPV right here</a>.<br /><br />i finally came home in the middle of the night by taxi and crawled gratefully into my own bed. i now have scripts to prevent the vertigo, and stop the nausea. the next day, i saw my wonderful acupuncturist, who has a background as a PT, working with head trauma patients. she was able to perform a series of head manipulations on me to help heal the problem. i am concentrating on not tipping my head suddenly in any direction. which does make doing my back stretches quite difficult. or anything that requires bending over. thank goodness my legs also know how to squat.<br /><br />what a crazy thing after a few weeks of crazy things in the health department. is it any wonder i feel a bit crazy?<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-81231064102703047312009-03-22T10:52:00.000-07:002009-03-22T11:32:18.779-07:00the fruit of intention is sweet<span style="font-size:130%;">rejoice! the letter came yesterday from lewis & clark college and i am thrilled to share that <span style="font-style: italic;">they have accepted me</span> into the graduate school of education, the school counseling program. out of the 115 people that applied, the committee accepted just 35. i am feeling so honored and blessed to be in that select group!<br /><br />as the news sunk in yesterday, it was if the 20 little monkey hands that have been strangling my stomach slowly let go and floated away. i knew i was deeply stressed and that it has been seriously affecting my well-being, yet the flood of relief was something i <span style="font-style: italic;">actually</span> felt, not just emotionally, but physically.<br /><br />oh, thank-you universe. thank-you friends for your love and support!<br /><br />tomorrow i will mail back my confirmation of acceptance and hopefully then be able to quickly get in to meet with my advisor and the financial aid folks. the summer term begins may 11, so in almost a blink of an eye, i will be a student! i am so excited about this chapter, about learning and meeting new people. i am sure it will be a healthy, growing time in my life.<br /><br />ah, health. my back is much better, not 100%, but better. that is also a relief. however, there is something wrong. i feel in in my bones, my gut, my deep self. i am not out looking for problems, but my body has something as of yet undefined going on. my blood tests were inconclusive, so now i am hoping to get accepted by the top specialist and get to the bottom of things with some x-rays. sadly, the average time it takes a woman to be diagnosed with any of these reactive arthritis disease is 9 years. often, after much damage is done and symptoms are severe & constant. i personally am not going to be satisfied with that. if i do indeed have a degenerative disease then i want to know now, not after serious damage is done!<br /><br />today i made a list of all my weird symptoms. all the odd things that have plagued me for months or years. when this blinding back pain struck a few weeks ago, i would not have connected it to jaw pain & locking, or life-long intestinal issues, or my heel bone spurs, or even my hair loss. however, now that i have done hours of reading, especially on discussion forums where real live people report what is happening to them...now i see that all this weird stuff may be connected. strange symptoms, some occasional, many chronic for years, that i never even saw a doctor for. or when i did see someone for the severe intestinal problems, they ran some tests and told me what i already knew...that something is wrong. my bowel is irritable. brilliant, i knew that at age 18!<br /><br />it starts to make you feel crazy. like you are just creating symptoms from stress and all the weird stuff isn't real if no one can name what is wrong. thankfully, my current doctor does not think i am crazy and is willing to look at all the possibilities. i fear, however, that diagnosing something really odd might be beyond the scope of her abilities.<br /><br />meanwhile, i am just working on taking really good care of myself and doing as much healing as i can with diet, exercise and stress-reducing activities. the ymca has approved me for financial assistance, so i can have a membership to their excellent facilities for only $25 a month.<br /><br />little by little, i am determined to turn the tide in my body to <span style="font-style: italic;">abundant health</span>. and i am certain that entering a career path that asks me to utilize my brain & heart, over my brawn - that path will be an important part of my healing.<br /><br />life really is too short for me to burn up my one precious body with simply making a living. thank goodness my brain and compassion seems to be inexhaustible...when i take proper care of myself.<br /><br />now that is the <span style="font-style: italic;">real </span>work. excellent, consistant self-care.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-71527369102000722292009-03-15T13:11:00.000-07:002009-03-15T17:14:40.234-07:00a little light on a rainy day<span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:130%;" >thank-you for your loving comments and encouragement, my friends. i am here to report that after 72 hours of round-the-clock dosing with anti-inflammatories, both herbal and pharmaceutical, i am feeling relief. i am in a very manageable place with pain at the moment, thank heavens.<br /><br />whoa, now <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> was a crazy ride!<br /><br />it is still always worst in the morning and the early morning hours leading up to getting up. then as the day progresses, with movement and change in position, the pain subsides. this pattern is actually one of the primary signs that point to ankylosing spondylitis. the low back and hip pain and tightness i have had for years upon waking (that went away during the day, so i didn't seek treatment) were early warnings.<br /><br />granted, i do not have a positive diagnosis yet. but of course, i have been doing lots of research and reading this week. and i have to admit, this auto-immune, arthritis thing makes sense, given my medical history. for a long time, i have thought something was wrong, but i couldn't figure it out. my chronic inflammation conditions have lingered and lingered, even with years of treatment and very careful, consistent care on my part. last summer my doctor said it just doesn't make sense...you are doing everything right, yet you are not getting better. at that time, she suggested that a systemic inflammation was going on, perhaps a reaction to gluten. i went 100% gluten-free in september 1st.<br /><br />our whole immune system starts in the gut. that is why healing with food is so profound and powerful. yet, i have only been doing this for six months. not enough time to heal years of damage to the intestines. i don't know how long that takes, actually. or how to measure when i get 'there'.<br /><br />many people with ankylosing spondylitis find following a strict no-starch diet works wonders for them. i may have to say good-bye to pizza (even the gluten-free kind) and potatoes forever. considering i have already given up all bread, cakes, cookies -one wouldn't think this is a hardship. yet i find i still need some comfort foods, once in a while. perhaps after a long period of healing, i can have those things in small amounts, occasionally. i have read of people who have managed to get there. so i have some hope.<br /><br />at the same time, given the thought that this disease works to fuse my bones together and cripple me, giving up a couple of foods seems like, um, well, small potatoes. sorry - i get both bad puns and ankylosing spondylitis from my dad. i would do <span style="font-style: italic;">anything</span> to avoid the pain i experienced the past two weeks.<br /><br />now we are just waiting for the blood work to come back from the lab with some answers. i hope for real answers, some direction to pursue, something solid enough to get me into the specialist. you know me, i like to solve things. being in limbo is very difficult for most of us. being in limbo with an expiration date on my insurance is making me crazy with stress.<br /><br />yet it is such a part of life. limbo. did you ever notice how much of our lives we spend <span style="font-style: italic;">waiting</span>? waiting for answers, waiting for change, waiting for different weather, waiting to do this or that very important thing...waiting for life to settle down, waiting for something to save us, waiting to speak up, waiting to let go...<br /><br />we like action, we hate limbo, yet we wait. sometimes patiently, often with fretting impatience. that would be me, the fretting, obsessing type of impatience. it is something i really don't like about myself, something i seek to meditate away.<br /><br />and then i remember. in meditation, you just sit with what is. sit with that awful impatience and one breath at a time, try not to judge. allow the parts of myself i view as weak, nasty, just plain bad - to just be.<br /><br />this is more challenging than giving up pizza, or sticking with exercise. yet i know this is where i must work. my stress level and how i manage it has a huge impact on the emotional life of each cell in my body. i have always held my stress in my gut, so it comes as no surprise there is damage to heal there. i am ready to accept that the lion's share of that healing may need to be spiritual and emotional. i can't afford to slack off on this and waiting is causing me true harm.<br /><br />and by the way, i have learned that many people with </span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" >ankylosing spondylitis treat pain with medical marijuana. so my plea in the last post wasn't crazy at all. just like any other herb, you can take it in a tincture. although chocolate truffles sound like a great way to take medicine!<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2860835665056483975.post-3404777896250278042009-03-12T18:18:00.000-07:002009-03-12T19:10:26.642-07:00the speedboat and the rock<span style="font-size:130%;">i am a boat, speeding towards a rock that will certainly crush my frame. the rock is aways off, but i can see it, i can taste what the impact could be. it's a beautiful sunny day. i look everywhere but at that rock in my path. i am hoping at the last second, i can somehow swerve and avoid the crash.<br /><br />save myself from the smashing, the pain, the drowning.<br /><br />even as i feel the wind in my hair and know i am moving quickly towards the rock, each moment is in surreal slow motion. frame by frame, like the slow passing of a movie, projector set on the wrong speed.<br /><br />my body has shut down for business. the low back is the general manager - she has flipped over the open sign and switched off the lights. in the dark, i lay in pain. last night, white hot pain that made me cry out, flashing into my sacrum, searing through my hips. i stumbled to the kitchen, sobbing, and took something more to kill the pain.<br /><br />i am thinking, oh <span style="font-style: italic;">please just kill me</span>. i thought my pain from two days ago was a 10, then a new 10 came along and upped the standard. what the hell is going on?<br /><br />so far, no real answers, but a few solid hints towards the problem.<br /><br />a new problem. or, more accurately, an <span style="font-style: italic;">old problem</span> i didn't know i had. a problem older than both bouts of cancer. a problem that most likely set the stage and sold the tickets to cancer. the thought my doctor and chiropractor has is this: that i have <span style="font-weight: bold;">ankylosing spondylitis</span>, a form of arthritis. it's a auto-immune disease, really. it fuses your bones together and it's whole game is inflammation. my dad has it, has had it for 40 years. so i know that for the most part, i could, like him, beat this with diet and exercise.<br /><br />yet at this moment i am so sick of being a patient, so weary after now 10 days and nights of pain...it is all just overwhelming.<br /><br />there is blood work to be done and x-rays, too. a specialist to get on board. all this, when i am racing ever closer to that rock. april 30 is the day my COBRA insurance policy runs out. the policy that has been my lifeline these past 17 months. with it, i have been able to have coverage for a nathurpath doctor, a chiropractor and my acupuncturist, who also does chinese medicine. without it, i have only the option of the state high-risk pool plan. even more money each month that i don't have. my credit card debt mounts and i think <span style="font-style: italic;">if only i can survive this</span> with my credit intact. i feel too tired and too beaten down to start again from scratch. i try to consider what 'plan b' could look like if i am not accepted into grad school and able to subscribe to the school's health insurance. it is very hard to look at that possibility.<br /><br />when i do, all i see is the rock, getting bigger as i draw closer.<br /><br />as i sat crying in my doctor's chair yesterday, she talked to me about stress. she said a failure in the back connects emotionally to not feeling supported, to fears about security and foundation. she is right, dear readers. i am scared and obviously, deeply stressed. as much as i try to concentrate on the beautiful blue of the water and the call of the birds flying by, i can't help seeing that rock in the distance. i have not felt so vulnerable on so many levels before. if there is a safety net, i can't seem to see it.<br /><br />pain has made me so tired and so irrational. financially, <span style="font-style: italic;">i need a miracle</span>. i know this much is true. in this moment, i can not find my way to peace of mind. i can barely find my way through the veil of pain and to the keyboard in front of me.<br /><br />heaven help me, i can see why people become addicts after accidents. i would take anything, <span style="font-style: italic;">anything</span> to relieve this pain. please send chocolate laced with pot. or whatever else you have.<br /><br />you probably think i am kidding. i assure you, i am <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span>.<br /></span>Tayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05354482835970834272noreply@blogger.com3