i've been working hard this week, making jewelry for a special holiday show & sale tomorrow, where i'll have a booth and be selling my wares. the sale is saturday, today is friday and there is still much to do. receiving donations towards my medical expenses from caring people out there has put some healthy pressure on me to do all i can to be prosperous this holiday season. you can find more info about the sale here, under events, if you would like to come.
it has been a week of emotional ups and downs. wednesday i felt two seconds away from sobbing all day. i felt intensely lonely and like i have been spending too much time alone in my head. yet, i just could not reach out to anyone here in portland. i didn't want to be alone, but i also didn't feel like talking, like being "on" in any way. even the effort of bathing and dressing seemed overwhelming. forget about cleaning my apartment, it's a total disaster area. a day like that, i just wanted the safety of my sisters, i guess.
on the spiritual level, i think the most challenging thing about this whole tumor hitting my life like a meteor is that it forces me to accept help. come to terms, again, with the fact that i am not superwoman. allowing others to nurture me is a kind of surrender that is so, so, uncomfortable. yet i know it's also on my personal growth agenda.
why else would it keep coming back?
i've been more of a hermit the past couple of years than ever before. some of that is healthy, setting boundaries so i don't take on more than i can handle. some of it is lazy, just feeling more comfortable staying in the warm bubble of my apartment. some of that has been practical, working full time in restaurants or retail for three years tends to use up all my social energy. i know i have developed some hermit habits that in the current crises, are not serving me well.
learning to trust people takes longer and longer as i get older, it seems. i want to just snap out of it, or blink my eyes and have it all be over. and i know i should be more patient, more loving and more compassionate of my struggle to come to terms with this tumor, this upcoming surgery. more gentle with my fears of the great unknowns in my future, my bank account, my body.
but i'm just squirming and feeling increasing panic.
p.s. i found a laugh today. read it an weep, here: