emotionally, i'm trying to keep myself from spiraling, from thinking of all the things that could go wrong. the part freaking me out is money, for sure. and insurance. before i found the lump, before i quit my day job, i got individual health insurance. i'm a really healthy person, so i chose a high deductible to keep the monthly cost more reasonable (it's still crazy expensive). then i found the lump and decided that if it turned out to be something significant, i was going to need better insurance. so i signed on with COBRA from my former job. thankfully all this happened within the 60 days they give you to decide!
count the small blessings, i remind myself.
now i am paying for two policies. if i drop the individual one, i won't ever get re-accepted, because now i have a pre-existing condition. that is how health coverage works in this goddamn system. i can certainly just keep the super expensive, excellent coverage of the COBRA policy for only as long as it takes to get the tumor out. But then after that?
the fear and doubt creep in and i'm back to the circus in my head. all the possible crazy things that could happen spin around, faster and faster.
what if it's malignant?
what if I need a mastectomy?
what if i get another tumor down the road, with only shitty insurance in place?
i know it's going to be thousands of dollars in medical bills, regardless. and i fear more than anything else in this situation, that it is those bills that will topple my new life. times like this, leaving the states for socialized medicine somewhere sounds pretty great.
it just makes me want to pull my hair and scream fuck! fuck! fuck! on the top of my lungs.
it's situations like these that being grown up is about as fun as having sharp sticks poked in your eye. yet i am trying valiantly to not fall into that bottomless pool of fear. it is an awful place to be and a crippling one from which to make decisions.
and forget getting anything done in my studio. fear is the arch enemy of creativity. i know this lesson, i thought i learned this lesson already. but it's still here, putting itself on my agenda.