filling time

the waiting is wearing me down. i feel like i am just crawling through the hours. watching endless monty phython clips on youtube to try to keep laughing and fill the time. the temperature has turned cold, so it's even more difficult to get out and get moving.

so i am making soup and doing time. waiting for the surgery, then waiting for the lab results. thankfully, my mom will be arriving tomorrow evening. she can't shorten the wait, but even having her here to hold me in the meantime will make it pass more easily.

tuesday morning i go in to the hospital. they will first do another mammogram and put a needle marker into the center of the tumor, so my surgeon can see exactly where it is. because we are very concerned with margins, it is important to know where the center of that tumor is. not that it is round, from the ultrasound i can see it's a bit pear shaped. perhaps not turnip shaped at all, but really the turnip refers more to the dense white interior and the sheer solid mass of the thing. the geeky biology-nerd in me is fascinated with those details, of course. then the rest of me grosses out and wants to throw up, as soon as it hits me, again.

that this is my body in question.

i hate needles and i'm not a fan of blood. never, ever see scary and/or slasher movies, not even literary ones like lord of the rings or beowulf. i don't need more material for nightmares, i have an overactive imagination that works just fine, thanks.

i am dreading a few things.

• the iv needle going into my small, tricky veins.
• the needle marker in my breast.
• giving up my socks and underpants.
• going under. waking up.
• seeing my breast for the first time after the surgery.

i am filled with gratitude for even more things, however.

• the circle of friends and family reading this blog and sending me healing wishes, prayers, magic and sweet thoughts.
  
• the donations towards my medical bills, proof that even small amounts add up to make a big difference.
• my mom being willing and able to come take care of me.
• a wonderful, warm thanksgiving day with an amazing group of women.
• prosperous sales of my jewelry at the recent holiday show.
• joanne, wielding her power for good (see yesterday's post)
• having insurance, without which i would not be getting treatment.
• my sweet little dog and her unlimited appetite for cuddling.
• professional healers in my life: jessamyn, judy and jessica, without massage therapy, acupuncture and reiki, i would be in much worse shape right now.
• martha, my nurse and her caring attention through this whole process.
• for living in portland, where i can find excellent health care.
• dr. naik and the experience she has as a surgeon with these rare tumors.