Friday, November 2, 2007

and this, my friend, is now

the nights are turning colder.glowing yellow leaves fall slowly as i walk the dog. before bed, a simple act, rubbing lotion into my dry skin. and there it is, a lump. a large lump, solid and confident in my right breast.

why now? why when i have finally taken the big leap of faith and quit my day job to pursue my own business, my art, my passion - does this monkey wrench jump on board? i feel the weight acutely of my business loan, my insurance payment, my bills. the worry distracts me from my studio.

it's a surprise mid-term exam and i don't feel ready.i immediately turn towards finding default, to ask questions,
get to the bottom of things.

what's the lesson?
what didn't i get last time?
what was this lump sent to tell me?

on the phone, my best friend brings me back to the now. sometimes shit just happens, he says. and you're going to be ok. exhale. thanks. of course you're right, i know that.

but waiting for my radiology appointment, i can barely drag myself out of bed. i don't want to face it, the reality feels too harsh and so lonely. the what if's are as loud as a flock of crows in a cornfield.

my head feels like a place i can't stand to be alone.

No comments: