Monday, November 12, 2007

breasts, who needs them?

what are breasts for? i've been thinking about this as i contemplate letting go of a portion of mine. biologically, they exist to nurse babies. yet i've never used them for this purpose, nor do i intend to. don't misunderstand, i am a big fan of breastfeeding, i just don't plan to birth any babies in this lifetime.

so my breasts, i guess they are simply decorative. they provide visual balance to my figure. they fill out clothes nicely. they look good in pretty underthings. i can pull off a sexy
halloween costume, should i care to. these are all good things. things that i count on. it's strange to realize that i depend on my breasts to serve this function and i value it.

so that's it. decorative objects.

when i waited tables and tended bar, i used to joke that my breasts were just shelves to catch spills. classically, the white shirt would have a near magnetic attraction to coffee, making stains like leaking nipples down my front. hilarious, right?

ok, so actually they are decorative shelves to catch stains. great.

but i still want them. i do. and it's eating at me, since i concluded yesterday that i will ask
dr naik for the most aggressive margins. take as much tissue as necessary to prevent another reoccurance. head cancer off at the pass. i cannot keep going through this, it's brutal.

as much as i want this tumor out, suddenly my breast, my body, is feeling very much more precious and vulnerable.


salmonpoetry said...

ah, all this talk about your breasts is making this shy girl blush! (sheepishly i have to confess that i did notice how nice they look when i met you at first thursday.)
and i can only imagine how hard it must be to contemplate letting go of a physical part of yourself, especially one that is imbued with beauty and pleasure and so many social expectations but that offers in evil trade the risk of your health.

on a supportive note, i can speak for the positive attributes of small breasts, having lived with and loved mine in their current minimalistic form. and though it may or may not be up your alley, when i waltzed through zupan's today after my run i noticed a special issue magazine called 'beyond breast cancer' that had a headline article 'your guide to fake boobs.' it was interesting to learn that nordstrom's has a breast section. the dilemmas and dangers of breast tumors and cancer are so widespread amongst us women, yet we never seem to know enough about it until we're face to face with it. your saga has inspired me to get more educated about these matters, so thank you for that.
best wishes, as usual, as you wend your way through this.

Anonymous said...

My mother had DD breasts when she had a double mastectomy this past August. She has been amazing through the whole process. She opted for the reconstruction and is glad she did. She is excited about having smaller breasts as now people will be taking more notice of her beautiful blue eyes. :o)

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Breasts are beautiful. Beautiful breasts are more beautiful. Don't feel superficial for wanting them that way. I promise you that yours will be beautiful again. Doctors can do amazing things.

Tay said...

thankyou, Lisa, Coleena, Maryam. My best friend told me on the phone yesterday that my conservative, Clavinist upbringing was showing. And that in this situation, it's completely reasonable to want to look and feel beautiful after the surgery. You all are right.

I guess one of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to afford the second surgery to fix their appearance...