it was good to escape to the coast. mom created a safe little healing nest for me in the cottage, with a crackling fire, cozy blankets, movies, hot soup and long sleep-ins. yesterday the sun came out and it was warm enough to sit outside for a couple of hours on a log and with almost no wind, take a long, pleasant walk. after being so inactive for days it felt good to stretch my legs, to stroll the beach.
coming back into portland tonight, we passed the sign for the hospital and the reality of what we are waiting for hit me afresh. there was no message from my doctor on the results of the pathology when we returned to the house. just thinking of it has darkened my light mood from the time by the ocean. i hope so much that the margins test clear and dr. naik doesn't have to go into this breast for more tissue.
the breast still feels so tender and fragile. in quiet moments, i can almost feel the body knitting itself back together again. it's a spooky, prickling feeling inside. my whole breast is technicolor with bruising, so i keep the ice pack in strict rotation, hoping to help control the swelling as much as possible. i need the swelling to recede relatively quickly so i can determine what is truly there. what this breast is now to be. already, it is clearly much smaller and um, perkier. looking at the two side by side, they don't look like they belong on the same body. two different women's breasts on my chest is how they look. really, the whole scenario is surreal. some crazy photoshop mash-up on my body. if it wasn't for the persistent tenderness, i would think i had fallen into a strange, dreamy painting.
reconstruction is likely, and soon. if i have the next surgery before the end of the year, my insurance will pay at 100%. monday i call martha and ask about getting on the plastic surgeon's schedule. at this point i am just saying fuck doing anything else in december. holiday shows, working in my studio, social obligations. i just need to get this breast cancer chapter closed. closed and sewn up before a new year starts in four short weeks.
and wouldn't it be perfectly lovely to leave the turnip solidly in 2007?