Saturday, December 1, 2007

returning to what is left

it was good to escape to the coast. mom created a safe little healing nest for me in the cottage, with a crackling fire, cozy blankets, movies, hot soup and long sleep-ins. yesterday the sun came out and it was warm enough to sit outside for a couple of hours on a log and with almost no wind, take a long, pleasant walk. after being so inactive for days it felt good to stretch my legs, to stroll the beach.

coming back into portland tonight, we passed the sign for the hospital and the reality of what we are waiting for hit me afresh. there was no message from my doctor on the results of the pathology when we returned to the house. just thinking of it has darkened my light mood from the time by the ocean. i hope so much that the margins test clear and dr. naik doesn't have to go into this breast for more tissue.

the breast still feels so tender and fragile. in quiet moments, i can almost feel the body knitting itself back together again. it's a spooky, prickling feeling inside. my whole breast is technicolor with bruising, so i keep the ice pack in strict rotation, hoping to help control the swelling as much as possible. i need the swelling to recede relatively quickly so i can determine what is truly there. what this breast is now to be. already, it is clearly much smaller and um, perkier. looking at the two side by side, they don't look like they belong on the same body. two different women's breasts on my chest is how they look. really, the whole scenario is surreal. some crazy photoshop mash-up on my body. if it wasn't for the persistent tenderness, i would think i had fallen into a strange, dreamy painting.

reconstruction is likely, and soon. if i have the next surgery before the end of the year, my insurance will pay at 100%. monday i call martha and ask about getting on the plastic surgeon's schedule. at this point i am just saying fuck doing anything else in december. holiday shows, working in my studio, social obligations. i just need to get this breast cancer chapter closed. closed and sewn up before a new year starts in four short weeks.

and wouldn't it be perfectly lovely to leave the turnip solidly in 2007?


Sondra said...

So glad you're feeling better.. The ocean is definately a healing source. Has anyone ever mentioned useing "Montana Arnica" ? It's a natural herb that helps with bruising. You can find it at any health food store and you just put 4 or 5 under your tongue. It's the active ingrediant in Trameal which is a healing agent for bruising and shocks to the body.
Take a look and see if it will help.
Other than that Get your constructive surgery arranged and keep the positive forces surrounding you.
You are in my thoughts and heart.

Tay said...

thanks, Sondra. I am using Arnica, both by mouth and a strong topical cream. I think that is really speeding the healing of the brusies along. I'm also doing lots of anti-oxidents and other supplements to help with general healing. My Mom flew out today, so I am feeling that loss, but trying to just distract myself with reading novels until tomorrow, when I can call and get more information...bless you for all the love and light you send my way!

salmonpoetry said...

what a journey for you, Tay. i hope the results end up reassuring.
and i'm glad that you are healing. cells are so amazing, how when they set to work they can sew together so quickly, knowing just what to do.
stay warm, eat well, and trust the universe. (and call on friends for pie deliveries when all else fails...)

Laurie Constantino said...

i was happy to read you are on the mend, and hope you can get your surgery scheduled soon. you have such a good attitude, and 2008 and full recovery are just around the corner. take care, laurie