Thursday, December 6, 2007

oh, these fucking margins!

brace yourselves, dear ones. the margins i hoped to be clear, sadly are not. they are sprinkled with enough cancer cells to need another surgery. that being said, the cells present in the margin are phyllodes cells, not DCIS cells.

which is good news, i guess. it is pretty fucked up when you are looking at any kind of cancer cells as good news. i am in a very strange head space right now.

the mass of DCIS cells within the turnip were of a significant size, also. over a centimeter. did you know the body uses the metric system? just like canada. so, even though there is precious little logic one can apply to my situation, the doctors do kind of assume that means there may be DCIS cells in other parts of the breast. cells just waiting to sneak up on me and turn into invasive cancer. little baby killer cells. fuckers.

i have options put before me to consider. radiation. mastectomy. some other path of my own invention. it is a real shit ton of heavy stuff to process. martha suggested i might need wine for the task, good red wine. that sounds like very sound advice.

she gave me permission to make this statement:

please, i don't need to hear and in fact cannot handle hearing about anyone else's breast cancer. everyone knows someone who has it, who survived it, who chose the double mastectomy. it is not helpful for me to hear those stories. i know they are offered in hopes of relating somehow to this awful thing happening to me. i know everyone just wants to help. but i don't need advice on what to choose for treatment, i don't need any kind of judgement. i just need cheerleaders, support, sales on my websites, prayers & chants to every god, goddess, saint and wood sprite you can think of, a few meals, a whole lot of money and i need you all to hang in there with me. this thing most probably will get long and boring. thank-you for understanding and thank-you for all your love and support. i hope you never, ever have to face this yourself.

ladies, do your breast exams. yes, i am taking to you. with love.
i will be having another surgery and soon. we will again hope and pray for clear margins. dr. naik will have to make an educated guess about how much tissue to take. that might not even be the end of it. but for tonight, that is all. it is vital to my healing to stay present, breathe and keep the stress level low.

funny movies, fantasy novels and good red wine is the only medicine i can stomach for now.




5 comments:

salmonpoetry said...

oh no Tay, this is so much to handle, and coming at you so fast too. hold on tight.

i think someone already wrote in about their cheerleading skirt before, and though i don't have one of those (sadly), i will dust off my pompoms.

i hope the red wine helps, it will be good for your cells too, it is filled with antioxidants.

i am really so sorry you are having to face this. you are really brave, and i send you the comfort and courage of a warm hand to hold as you face this beastly challenge in front of you.

nimisha said...

Tay,

I actually don't know what to say except:
SHIT! GO@DAM%NIT! F%@CKING A!!!
(Sorry, that was the cleanest version of what I am feeling).

Now to compose and say, Go find your fantasy world and just enjoy it.

These are some books that allowed me to get through some tough times:
The Belgariad series by David Eddings (Pawn of Prophecy, Queen of Sorcery, Magician's Gambit, Castle of Wizardry, Enchanter's End Game). The perfect way to export yourself to another world..

Movie suggestions are listed on your Nov 27th blog comments.

Take care of yourself, keep breathing.

Tay said...

thank-you, Lisa & Nimisha. You two are such faithful cheerleaders. It means more than you can know, really.

btw, Nimisha...my Mom and I watched "Simply Ballroom" last week and it was wonderful. I had seen it before, but long ago and she had never seen it. Very fun. Thanks fo rreminding me of it.

Sondra said...

Hang on, Honey Girl,
You will do this your way and you will be well.
Sending Much healing ENERGY and love your way.

Natalia said...

can i bring you a book or movie and a bottle of red wine? and take your dog for a walk? food? let me know what you need. suggest a movie, and i'll fetch and deliver.
xo