i am a mess of confusion today. meeting with the radiation oncologist at 3pm, for the final results of the pathology and to discuss treatment options. i can't even see beyond that, for now. trying to just stay present and not project into the future, as that throws me into an emotional tailspin i just can't afford on any level.
the breast, healing the breast right now is all i can do. it swelled back up, because i was moving around too much, not icing enough and so it filled with an audible fluid. hearing and feeling that move under skin gives me all kinds of the creeps. i am sure you all are shuddering, just reading about it. so i am back to ice in the most strict rotation, it's my job. ice on the breast, rest, try not to worry. also, i need to go get a better bra solution. all of the options on hand (and i have many) have not done the trick. so despite the need to rest, i am going shopping.
it's the perfect combination of firm support and gentleness that is needed. isn't that what we are all looking for? metaphors for life and love.
but while i am doing my job of caring for the breast, who is doing my real jobs? who is bringing in the bacon while i am resting, unable to fully use my arm, to make jewelry, to manage my apartment complex (my other job)? that is very worrying. worry doesn't help the healing. but i am hemorrhaging money.
i want to be all filled with light and confident and positive...but that seems to require energy i am using just in holding a veil of denial up high. so i can get up in the morning, care for my dog, heal my body. i've never been very good at denial or lying. i am good at being practical and working hard. yet, i'm also good at dreaming.
i can't escape into hard work with this sore and swollen breast, so i've been dreaming. escaping to fantasy places, warm places without rain, free of cancer. my island in greece, the clear waters of tulum, mexico, the mesas of new mexico, the 10,000 waves spa in the hills outside of santa fe, new mexico. places i've been and loved. and places i long to explore. thailand, morocco, bali, egypt, portugal.