Thursday, December 6, 2007

the wait: finding escapes

i am a mess of confusion today. meeting with the radiation oncologist at 3pm, for the final results of the pathology and to discuss treatment options. i can't even see beyond that, for now. trying to just stay present and not project into the future, as that throws me into an emotional tailspin i just can't afford on any level.

the breast, healing the breast right now is all i can do. it swelled back up, because i was moving around too much, not icing enough and so it filled with an audible fluid. hearing and feeling that move under skin gives me all kinds of the creeps. i am sure you all are shuddering, just reading about it. so i am back to ice in the most strict rotation, it's my job. ice on the breast, rest, try not to worry. also, i need to go get a better bra solution. all of the options on hand (and i have many) have not done the trick. so despite the need to rest, i am going shopping.

it's the perfect combination of firm support and gentleness that is needed. isn't that what we are all looking for? metaphors for life and love.

but while i am doing my job of caring for the breast, who is doing my real jobs? who is bringing in the bacon while i am resting, unable to fully use my arm, to make jewelry, to manage my apartment complex (my other job)? that is very worrying. worry doesn't help the healing. but i am hemorrhaging money.

i want to be all filled with light and confident and positive...but that seems to require energy i am using just in holding a veil of denial up high. so i can get up in the morning, care for my dog, heal my body. i've never been very good at denial or lying. i am good at being practical and working hard. yet, i'm also good at dreaming.

i can't escape into hard work with this sore and swollen breast, so i've been dreaming. escaping to fantasy places, warm places without rain, free of cancer. my island in greece, the clear waters of tulum, mexico, the mesas of new mexico, the 10,000 waves spa in the hills outside of santa fe, new mexico. places i've been and loved. and places i long to explore. thailand, morocco, bali, egypt, portugal.


Maryam in Marrakesh said...

As I write this comment, I think you are at the doctor or have just finished your appointment. I hope you will update us. I am so thinking of you right now, Tay.

salmonpoetry said...

dear Tay, I hope the meeting with the doctor went okay for you.

if there is anything practical I can do to help out with your work that needs to be done or the basic day to day care in this time, let me know. it seems important to alleviate as much stress as possible from the external pressures while you get yourself healed.

I am no expert in bras (being of the bandaid ilk myself), but maybe some sort of athletic bra would be helpful? I know that the title nine store in the pearl specializes in supportive bras for many sizes and purposes. they also have a catalog if it is too much to go down there in person.

finally, keep on fantasizing! that is probably the best healing power you can invoke right now. given the time of year, we all could do well with some fantasizing about warm beaches, sunny climes, and the like. i'm writing a book chapter about Thailand right now and so I am back in the midst of my own travels there at the moment. Maybe I'll send you a picture from those trips as a distraction if I get a chance (unfortunately they're of jungles and farms, not beaches, but still a warm tropical escape nonetheless.)

Best wishes as always.

Tay said...

i did find two bras that layered, are supportive enough for me to feel like I can unclench my arm and shoulder I have been holding in place to protect the breast.

it's the little things...