sigh. what a feeling of relief, i have three days off from radiation. time to heal, time to rest and catch my breath. my spirits have sunk low, dear readers. i want to be clear and say it's through no fault of yours. no failing in your comments, your support, the daily prayers and candles lit.
this is just what is. that sometimes life is just really fucking hard. and we get depressed, with good reason. i've gotten depressed. i am hoping that changing my rads schedule will bring more light and help me cope. all i need to do is get through this, put one foot in front of the other until i finish.
you probably feel helpless reading this blog as i slog along through radiation. thank-you for hanging in here with me, as discouraging as it may be to read, as painful as my situation may be to imagine.
sadly, i have not had much cheer to offer this week. the fatigue hit me hard and i've been reeling. mostly wanting to lick my wounds in private. i've felt myself measuring my energy, even the sentences here have gotten shorter. my local friends must wonder where i am. i am not returning calls or even listening to messages everyday. i am sorry, but i just can't.
i feel so raw. i am in a kind of hiding. i don't want to talk, all my energy is needed to hold my body and spirit together enough to get up another day and go for my treatment.
i am a cancer hermit.
today as i left the rads department, i ran into martha, my nurse from the last stage of treatment (surgery). she was like an angel walking towards me, smiling. a little safe haven right there in the hallway. martha offered a resource i didn't know about, a local center with a program of therapy and alternative medicine for breast cancer patients. as she spoke, i realized perhaps a therapist who knows breast cancer would be helpful. i feel in need of very specific emotional support. today i talked to the director on the phone, a woman who has been through breast cancer and is living fully on the other side, after five years. just speaking with someone else, another young woman who also had radiation, was so comforting.
i realized i've joined this small portion of the population that has had radiation treatment. yet i don't know any others in my new tribe. it's good to think that next week, maybe i'll be able to connect in person with some women who really know how i feel.
keep praying. keep believing in healing and the power of intention. thank-you for holding this space with me. it matters.
even in hiding, i need you more than ever.