rushing around this morning, i gulped my herbs, sipped my green tea and began to make my green veggie juice. my tea bag (from the company yogi teas) sat on the cutting board with refuse from the juice making process. as i was cleaning it all up, the little affirmation tag on the tea bag caught my eye. it said:
gratitude is the open door to abundance.
i paused. yes, that is the truth of my life right now. breast cancer is teaching me about gratitude. abundance is simply pouring into my life. this week it nearly became an epic flood. perhaps i exaggerate to make my point. i guess an epic flood would be winning the 80 million dollar lottery?
it's all relative, this abundance stuff. i'm measuring abundance by my basic needs right now. for me, with all i have on my plate, it feels damn amazing to see that i am making it. even if just barely! a part of me is deeply surprised that bills are getting paid at all, that i am not a sinking ship. a couple of months ago, i couldn't even see this current abundance as possible. i was lost in a fog of fear, pain and panic.
today i do feel very tired. i think it's the side effects of a very busy week in the studio, not the radiation. i've been so busy due to being featured on a major-league design blog, design*sponge. wonderful response and sales have come from that feature. i also have some sharp, shooting nerve pain in the breast. a side effect of radiation that my doctor told me this week some women experience for years after finishing treatment.
oh, my. i am picturing those little zings of pain years from now saying "how's your gratitude today, tay?" i know how easy it is to slide back into old mental habits. i want to hold the lessons i am learning now close and soak them into my very cells.
i am trying to apply my positive intention to the physical body as well. even though i had a nightmare last night that my breast became so shrunken and deformed looking that i didn't reconize it. in my dream i looked down while getting dressed after radiation and the breast i knew was suddenly gone. in it's place, this thing. a hideous breast, not even human really. like the breast of an ancient wizened troll.
ah, fear lives in a very, very dark place.
even while i travel through my day, thinking positive, lavishing loving energy on my breast after each treatment - this darkness is still underneath. i don't even want to fight it off, that seems like a waste of energy. i need all my positive energy for the work of healing. i need every scrap of fight in me for holding onto my connection with the light in the universe.
i am hoping if i just don't feed it, the fear will just starve and die a natural death.