Saturday, February 16, 2008

doubting myself less

i reconnected with an old dear friend recently. she wrote that reading this blog has been very inspiring and somehow i manage to make this cancer ordeal seem like an adventure. i've been really turning that over in my mind this week. my day to day life doesn't feel so adventurous. yet i am experiencing a certain kind of strange freedom that might be enviable. bit by bit, i am being forced to drop the story that i'm in charge of everything. i've been pushed into the river and have to go with the flow. i've been letting go of what's extra, that needless sack of baggage.

although, i guess it is a choice. a choice to go with the flow of that river. i could struggle and resist. in fact i have, mightily. many times i stop the flow and thrash around as if suddenly blind and drowning. lessons learned can disappear in seconds. if you've been reading here for a while, you've certainly witnessed that struggle.

truth is, this blog keeps me honest. you out there reading keeps me right here. writing the story here holds up the mirror, holds me accountable week after week. it may just be that this blog is saving my life. or at least, helping figure out how to live.

live with more gratitude, more joy, more compassion.

when i quit my day job in october, just a couple of weeks before the breast cancer showed up, i had certain goals in mind. big changes in life to put into motion. i was gearing up for a life of more balance and health, both in body and spirit. i'd fallen out of shape, a long, slow fall over three years of working seven days a week. i'd gained uncomfortable weight and struggled with injuries. and perhaps worst of all, my spiritual path felt bogged down with leaves and debris. i had a plan to sweep it all clean and make a fresh start. i was ready to put some healthy habits back into place.

meditation, exercise, journaling.

with the discovery of the turnip, i immediately turned to journaling here. an old habit, dropped in the frantic pace of the last three years. then, picked up again and embraced like an old friend. i know the mediation and exercise pieces are coming too. in fact, some of the lessons of mediation seem built into this experience. developing self-compassion being top on the list.

i'll admit it's strange. but somehow i think this cancer thing is teaching me how to approach my business and career path in a whole new way. i have just launched a new jewelry collection that is shaping up to be quite a hit. a few months ago, it wasn't even in my head, let alone my plans. the challenges i've been facing have pushed me to creative overdrive. there has been a new kind of clarity, a new way of looking at how i work. without the cancer, i don't honestly think i would be right here. i'd be somewhere else, perhaps equally good. but i will bet, i'd be doubting myself more.

and now, to the news. recently, a couple of bright spots. for one, a new rads time slot: now at 9:45 am. which means my morning routine of drinking down my cups of tea, herbs and veggie juice is a bit more gentle in pace.

best of all, i am not stuck in traffic with the 9 to 5 crowd. small blessings.
oh, thank-you.


Catherine Chandler said...

I went for a walk on Mt. Tabor today, and while looking over the city, thought of you. I thought "wouldn't it be nice to go hiking up here with Tay?"...just a thought, for when you're ready :) I am glad you are finding new strengths in this time of upheaval. You are a wonderful, inspiring woman.

Kristin said...

I am so glad that you got just a little bit of ease in your rads schedule - thank goodness for small blessings (which I know you do so well)! You continue to amaze me, even on the tired days. Keep your chin up. We are all behind you, every day.

salmonpoetry said...

thanks for your honesty, reflection, and the little window into your life on this blog. it is most inspiring.
glad you have a little more ease in your morning schedule, a reward for the hard work you've already put in with the morning rads. it's getting lighter in the mornings these days too, hopefully that will also help...
have a good week and keep those cancer cells shrinking (if any are still sticking around at all...)

Mariajaan said...

Hello, I want to learn about your experiences with alternative medicine, if you have any (No, I have not read the whole blog). I have been boosting the immune system of my husband afflicted with Acute M. Leukaemia for several years now with all kind of natural remedies, vitamins and anything imaginable, but I have so to say exhausted all the accessible resources. Maybe you could suggest me some readings or sites? I believe that this complementary care and sustained attention to needs beyond the killing of bad cells is what keeps him optimistic and well so far. I am afraid to run out of options. Your blog helps others, as much as it helps you; Thank you. Be good, be well.

Anonymous said...

Self doubt is a killer. One of the things I value most about our friendship is that you are there to encourage me to leave behind the self doubt nibblers. I am proud of where you are, and think you have done extremely well.