Thursday, February 28, 2008

rads, day 18: angry

oh, please. i just want to stop. the. burning.

i am doing everything right. doing above and beyond to help my body cope, help it heal. herbs, salves, vitamins, creams, rest, ice. tending to this breast is my full time job now. the doc assures me this reaction is normal. that my increasingly burnt skin is looking very much like many other patients have.

the armpit and under the breast where anything i wear for support will rub, those places are the worst. i am afraid of the day when it becomes one mass of angry weeping blisters. i cannot wear a bra. i am living with the shades drawn.

i feel more angry than i have in all these months. it's an icky feeling. my inner toddler wants to throw a fit and lay in her bed and howl. i want my mom.

my radiation oncologist did agree to let me take the schedule down to four days a week. i feel it's a choice that will be good damage control on my skin's burns and some relief for my bleak outlook.

my friends, i know you mean well. but, please don't tell me i am in the home stretch, or it all will soon be over. i know that, of course i know that. but hearing it just makes me mad. because right here? right now? it's so awful i feel i can barely stand it.

yet stand it i will. and the new finish date is march 26.


beadbabe49 said...

yeah...of course you're feels like your mom is holding your little hand in the fire...but you're both the mom and the know you have to do it, but it hurts and makes you mad!
I know we don't all react the same way to our cancer but our experience is all we have to give you...that and some understanding of what you're going through.

venturegirl said...

Normal. My least favorite word in the English language. Who gives a flying f&%# if something is normal - I dislike how the word tends to minimize and depersonalize what is really going on - especially in situations like this. I know the docs are trying to give you a baseline of comparison but unless it is followed by a compassionate sentence like "and who gives a flying f&%# because I know you are in real pain" never mind the comparison. Tay, what I really want to say is that I hear you and I am holding you in my heart every day.

Catherine Chandler said...

I am giving you a big spiritual hug right now. I can only imagine what you might be going through, and completely understand the anger and frustration. Have you tried screaming? Well, maybe screaming into a pillow would be better--so you don't scare the neighbors :) I'm sorry you're in so much pain...if I could do anything to take it away I would. You are in my heart, with much love. BTW, people used to tell me about how strong I was. Until I told them "quit telling me how fucking strong I am! I don't feel strong! I feel fucking weak!"

Tay said...

Thank-you so much for your compassionate comments. These words are really comforting right now. Bless you, ladies for "getting it".

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Tay, I am worried that I am going to say the wrong thing. So while I promise to continue to check in on you on your blog, I am just going to be quiet, okay? But pls know that I am here.

With love,

Tay said...

Oh, Maryam...! I wouldn't want to drive away your sweet comments, ever. I understand your fear, it's hard to know what to say. And natural to want to "solve" it all...

There is no solving it, just going through as best I can, with friends holding onto the intention of healing.

You've been an incredible source of support to me from the beginning and your loving comments are always welcome.