Sunday, September 21, 2008

stones from the river

closing the cleanse and opening the next phase of healing has been interesting this past week. it feels a bit like a part-time job, this taking extra good care of myself, eating just right and putting all my intention to healing.

if only i could get paid for all my hard work.

here's my sticky-wicket. i've spent the last ten years working my ass off on healing myself. working through layers of trauma, old stuck places, ancient wounds, toxic ideas. i have painstakingly shifted, inch by inch, my core beliefs. i have recovered from cancer (twice!). i have faced the darkest places and looked honestly at what is. of course, i am not done. no one is done until they are dead.

after all the hard work, i still struggle to pay my bills every month, i still struggle with the basics of making a living. the kind of hard work i've been doing doesn't pay the rent. that's the sticky bit, for sure.

yet, there is always more, it seems. a cleanse like i've just experienced brings new mirrors to face, more sludge from the bottom of my emotional river. as my bowels, gallbladder and liver released old waste, heavy metals and toxic run-off - my heart let go of a few things as well. it's been a time of questions, a time of opening and a extraordinary time of relaxing my thinking.

i think i have flushed out some old rocks in my brain. thank goodness. i feel so much lighter!

things are still unfolding. each day i feel a little shiver, a new idea, a small glimpse into where i might be going. inside, my river is flowing more freely than ever before. it's clear and sparkling to the bottom. perhaps somehow, my personal work will eventually pay dividends that show up on a balance sheet. i am hopeful that could be true.

what's up you say? where are things flowing? well, a few examples:

a simple altar on my dining table has created a sacred space for eating.
i am surrounding myself with healing objects, transforming my nest.
my new ideas are fluid, not fixed about the future.
i am looking at going back to school for an MBA.
my business model is flexing and growing.
my father and i are talking again, after five years of silence.
closets are getting cleaned, data backed up.

it's a new season. even without being able to take a long walk or dance, i am in motion.


d.Sharp said...

Wow, I am so impressed with everything you have done and accomplished. I hope you feel proud of yourself!

Sondra said...

You are looking at success as only monetary. The hard work you have done is paying you in Spades!!!
What can be more profitable than
Half empty? Half full? your choice.

Tay said...

Thanks, Denise!

Hi Sondra~ I'm actually not looking at my time spent *only* in monetary terms, I am now looking at it in larger terms than before. I've always put great value on my emotional work and prioritized healing. I've never placed much value on money. But I am growing more practical in my age. I see now that if I want to be in a different place in 10 years, I have to take steps now! And I am finally feeling like the all the healing work I've done has prepared me to now focus my energies on building security and living more comfortably.

Being poor has not served my health well. And now, my insurance is such a huge monthly liability, that I must place more emphasis on making real money, not just scraping by.

I'm not looking at the glass at all, actually. I am trying to be brutally honest with myself and forge a better future.


Maryam in Marrakesh said...

So glad to hear about your Dad:) My Mom has not spoken with me since January and it feels terrible and heavy.