Monday, April 21, 2008

wandering and yes, a bit lost

i've been so busy this past week, no time for writing. and now i find myself at a bit of a loss. how to really describe the ups and downs of my days? it's small joys, like a wonderful surprise gift in the mail from half-way across the world and also it's huge dips into the well, sleeping for hours.

i pushed myself. too hard, in the end. 3 doctors appointments. 2 networking group meetings. 1 new yoga class. oh, and i made 10 rings. what?! yes. i learned that for this girl, that was way too big of a week. by friday afternoon i was stumbling about and by the time i closed my office on saturday afternoon, i just had to climb straight into bed. it was snowing, after all.

i keep being surprised by my lack of reserves. the pot is empty. it's never been this empty.

like clock-work, i've begun to panic about money. the lack of sales combined with the dwindling bank account. and this always happens when i feel too tired, i get overwhelmed. i look at the worst scenarios. those evil, busy monkeys in my mind start chattering until it's just a solid wall of screaming in there.

where is the volume control?

returned to the doctor today. another morning sacrificed from the studio, another day started off working on health, not working on making a living. what care and maintenance these bodies of ours take! does it ever shock you, to think what huge amount of time and energy we spend just keeping the machines of our bodies going? so, i will give blood for tests. we check the basics to start, make sure my thyroid is functioning alright, make sure i am not anemic. see if i my vitamin d levels are where they should be. make sure this fatigue is just lingering side effects of the radiation. it's nearly a month now since i finished, but it may not be over and out of me.

on wednesday, i have my first colonic, but for now, we have decided i am too depleted to handle a juice fast. that is a relief. i need to be keep things simple, take the easy path. just getting up and being productive and active is plenty.

how can my plate be so full and yet i feel so empty?

baby steps. i got a pedometer. counting those baby steps and happy about each one. taking the stairs, walking to the store, even in the rain. my bright green raincoat matches the new leaves bursting out of each branch on each tree.

today, nearly 6,000 steps. the biggest number so far.


Maryam in Marrakesh said...

6,000 steps! that sounds inspiring to me. I see you in my mind's eye, one step after another.......I am going to get up and run tomorrow. My waist line is not what it used to be. sigh.

Tay said...

You see me clearly, dear Maryam. It is just one after another until I am there. Each day a bit better. I hope you enjoyed your run under the bright Moroccan sky!