Saturday, April 12, 2008

stuck in the sand

there are so many topics rolling around in my head and heart these days. i've been meaning to write for days, yet have been stuck. it's a slow plod through the day of late, like the air is a bit too thick and my body too heavy.

once in a while i seem to surface and gulp in the fresh air. i little burst of energy bubbles up and i'm optimistic. each time this happens i think, alright, now i will get on with life. those bursts seem so short lived. everyone is telling me that it's perfectly normal to be tired, to feel confused, to have these ups and downs.

i am having such a hard time just letting it be. i worry that my lack of motivation is going to stretch on too long, that i have fallen into bad patterns of the sedentary life. too much time on the computer.

it's a marvel and a modern-day pool of quicksand.

i have been spending hours on, in the community resource forums. the women there have seen me through the worst of radiation, we went through it together. long live the febuary rads girls! that is what we are all hoping for after all, to live long, to prosper, to learn to not think every day about breast cancer coming back, to spend our days loving others and doing meaningful work. i read other threads as well. learning all i can from my sisters about alternatives to taking the hormones. asking questions about possible reconstruction methods. offering what i know about health and well-being.

i have not wanted to go to my studio at all. even though it's my livelihood and i need to catch up financially. even though i now have my fake booblet and look "normal", i still feel reluctant to leave my apartment. i've developed some social anxiety that surprises me. parties, concerts, crowds - they all fill me with a sense of dread.

i really, really want to feel like "me" again. i want to just snap out of it. i am impatient with myself in ways i would never be with someone else.

i walked my mile on the track 3 days so far this week. and i got a rebounder and have been bouncing. that is fun, actually. no weight lost, but i am making an effort. i worry it won't be enough, that my deadline is racing towards me.

in the bursts of good energy, i've been making paintings again. this much is good.

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