some of you may be dealing with depression of your own. you certainly don't need to get cancer to feel down, that is for sure! i hope reading my story somehow helps you with yours. and i hope you all know how much your standing witness to my story gives me strength and helps me carry on.
my sleep is a bit better already since i started the exercise. i have had an easier time waking up and feeling ready to get out of bed in the mornings. two and a half weeks have passed since i finished radiation treatment. perhaps the bulk of the detox is complete? but it's my emotional energy level that is of most concern right now and this lingering feeling of only being secure at home. perhaps there is a disconnect between my experiences of the last few months with now "looking normal" and feeling some pressure to return to "normal"?
is this what everyone deals with post-trauma? after an accident, fighting in a war, losing someone you love, surviving a terrible disaster? do you all walk through life in the world and feel so different, so disconnected? does it seems insincere to make small talk and go back to touching down lightly into conversations for everyone?
it's easy to feel like this cancer experience is defining who i am.
so. monday i have my first appointment with my new naturpath doctor, a woman who has developed a practice that kind of specializes in breast cancer. she comes highly recommended and is really focuses on nutrition and lifestyle to prevent cancer. i am very hopeful about her and what we will figure out together for this next chapter of getting back to excellent health. especially since i want to find natural alternative to taking tamoxifen, the drug patients with positive estrogen receptors are usually prescribed. directly afterwards i head up to OHSU for my 4 month follow-up with dr. naik and martha. my scar looks really good and i am quite proud of how my skin is recovering. i anticipate dr. naik will be pleased!
then tuesday i see a new therapist for the first time. fingers crossed that we are a good fit and she can lead me through and out of, some of this emotional muck i am in. it seems like some impartial accountability would be useful. and what the hell, while i am paying for this crazy expensive good insurance, i might as well exploit it fully!
this poem has been resonating, from the great Persian poet Rumi...
This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!
The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond
(Translated by Coleman Barks)