Thursday, April 3, 2008

sunshine and gratitude

i cannot thank-you enough for the sweetness that has poured into my comment box the past couple of days. i was so scared to post about this particular set of issues and now feel reassured i made the right choice. thank-you for the validation that is perfectly normal and ok to want to feel beautiful.

yesterday was a much better day. one week out of radiation treatment is so different from just driving away on the last day. my energy is returning, a little each day. the sun decided to come out and warm the earth here in the northwest, making being outside an inviting prospect. i've crawled out of the
deep well of despair and am trying to just focus on the short term for right now.

i had a wonderful session with my massage therapist yesterday, she is a true gem. over the past few days, it felt as if a nasty gremlin had taken hold of my shoulder and was digging in, twisting the muscle. the pain was constant. darling jess dug him out of there and i feel so renewed. she's known me a long time and has seen this weight creep on over the past 3 years. she gently reminded me to just do 20 minutes or walking, 5 days a week for a couple of weeks. then maybe add 5 minutes. stay in the now and make a date with myself for exercise that is non-negotiable. i'll be conjuring up her sweet face as i work on keeping those exercise dates. visualization seems to work for me.

slow and steady wins the race. i hope it's true in my case.

i've also been doing a little reading in the breast cancer online communities about reconstruction, just to begin to face the possibility that i might need more done than i originally thought. i needed more information, but i am going to try to put any decision in the back of my mind for now.

keeping the breast on the forefront seems just keeps me frozen and angry, not very available to nurture the rest of my body. one of the best ways for me to live my fullest life is to feel strong, to be healthy. getting out of my chair and outside is my biggest hurdle right now.

i used to be in this exercise habit, so perhaps it is "just" a case of remembering a good old habit. maybe that is easier to swallow, and to form, than a brand new habit.

i'm on a quest to re-find my beautiful.


Maryam in Marrakesh said...

I know your beautiful is there. She just wants you to work for it a little. Isn't that true of all the best things?

Tay said...

yes, dear- you are right. thank-you for your support and showing me the way. your post about your "year of living ugly" has been one i return to regularly and it always moves me. your courage helped me put my own "ugly story" out there.

Maryam, you are such an inspiration, dear blogging girl, you have no idea.

Catherine Chandler said...

It's 5.15 and I've almost talked myself into just staying home all day. BUT, the sun is still beckoning, so I am tearing myself away from my desk, computer, taxes, etc., and going for a walk at Mt.Tabor. Thinking of you!!!

Anonymous said...

Love you, Tay...think of you often. Seriously, take it ONE day at a time. Abrazos - Rachel

salmonpoetry said...

uh oh, it's raining and gloomy today, not a propitious support for a burgeoning exercise regime, but keep it up Tay!
I am 10 days into my commitment to exercise and getting my body out of the rut that feels groggy, pained and yes, flabby and ugly, and I am starting to see some effects! Most of all I am feeling more energy and spark for life but even a few ounces of shifting the fat into muscle seems to make me feel so much better. small steps can make a big difference. go for it!

I don't know if you are into yoga, but something that i've found that is economical and helpful is to take advantage of the 'unlimited classes for 2 weeks' introductory specials that almost every yoga place seems to have. i figure that i can have regular yoga classes by trying out new studios every couple of weeks for a reasonable fee.

best wishes as you move into a healthier space and start to reap the benefits of getting your body back to where you want it to be. beauty is just around the corner...

michaelendo said...

I wish you good luck on your journey. You will find your beautiful. You make beautiful things in your studio, maybe you should start there?