lately i've been alternating between bursts of energy and hopefulness, then feeling the weight of my healing task and the depth of my fears. it seems to come in steady waves, not unlike the ocean tides. perhaps i need to begin to view the shift in feelings as i do the tides.
in my current reality, it seems there are many unknowns and those unknowns have the most power over me. but what if i looked at my conflicting emotions as a constant? perhaps one of the few things i can depend on? when the tide of dark feelings is high and i feel as if i will be swept away and drown at any second, perhaps i can hold onto the certainty that that tide will recede.
as it pulls back, i am renewed. there is a clean expanse before me. there are tidal pools to play in and a wide beach to run along. everything seems possible again. i made through another cycle.
and in that moment, then the sun comes out while i am walking my dog. i spot a new flower starting to open. all the color my eye takes in is more saturated than before and vibrantly alive. i can see clearly what i will do today, i feel sure i can do it.
i am back!
until the tide flows back in again. i'm wiped out, immobile, small. i feel unable to plan for tomorrow, let alone next week or next month. i try to logic my way out of the mess, but the undertow is too strong. all i can do is cling to my rock and wait. wait for the sun, wait for the cycle to turn.
waiting. we all hate waiting. i am no exception, i have precious little patience with myself.
i'm trying to get better at waiting, to be a better friend to myself when things are falling apart. so much gentleness is needed, so much patience. on those days, the friend who drops by a bowl of soup or writes me some encouraging words makes all the difference. it's easier to treat myself with kindness when others show me the way. it's easy to forget how to be sweet with myself when i'm freaking out.