Sunday, January 20, 2008

the tide is high

lately i've been alternating between bursts of energy and hopefulness, then feeling the weight of my healing task and the depth of my fears. it seems to come in steady waves, not unlike the ocean tides. perhaps i need to begin to view the shift in feelings as i do the tides.

in my current reality, it seems there are many unknowns and those unknowns have the most power over me. but what if i looked at my conflicting emotions as a constant? perhaps one of the few things i can depend on? when the tide of dark feelings is high and i feel as if i will be swept away and drown at any second, perhaps i can hold onto the certainty that that tide will recede.

as it pulls back, i am renewed. there is a clean expanse before me. there are tidal pools to play in and a wide beach to run along. everything seems possible again. i made through another cycle.


and in that moment, then the sun comes out while i am walking my dog. i spot a new flower starting to open. all the color my eye takes in is more saturated than before and vibrantly alive. i can see clearly what i will do today, i feel sure i can do it.

i am

until the tide flows back in again. i'm wiped out, immobile, small. i feel unable to plan for tomorrow, let alone next week or next month. i try to logic my way out of the mess, but the undertow is too strong. all i can do is cling to my rock and wait. wait for the sun, wait for the cycle to turn.

we all hate waiting. i am no exception, i have precious little patience with myself.

i'm trying to get better at waiting, to be a better friend to myself when things are falling apart. so much gentleness is needed, so much patience. on those days, the friend who drops by a bowl of soup or writes me some encouraging words makes all the difference. it's easier to treat myself with kindness when others show me the way. it's easy to forget how to be sweet with myself when i'm freaking out.


cally said...

so true, i feel the same way. in fact, i'm in the midst of a wave right now, not helped by pms making my emotions more extreme than usual. couldn't face blogging today as i'm in the hopeless phase, but it's nice to have others remind me it will get better. it will get better... it will.

i did a big sigh there, sometimes i need to see it in writing to believe it.

ok, time to look after the basic, i'm going to drink water and eat some quinoa porrige, i've let my diet slip this last month, too tired to prepare anything, but without my good foods how can things get better. thanks for getting me thinking about looking after myself a bit better, even if i'm not in the mood to do it.

here's to a week of being nice to ourselves.

Tay said...

cheers, Cally! i agree -here's to keeping up with the basics, speaking sweetly to ourselves and taking deep, cleansing breaths.

miss milki said...

Tay, I followed you here from Cally Creates. Sorry to hear about your cancer. I've got M.E. and even though it doesn't compare with cancer I totally identify with your post...its so poetic. The hope, and then the waves of despair and exhaustion. I think a small wave broke last night. I was overtired and down and eventually I couldn't hold back the tears. I had a good cry and funnily enough, even though I didn't sleep well last night everythings a little bit brighter today!

Waiting is hard but I guess its good to remember that there are dark days and brighter days. That's life, i guess! I hope some brighter days come for you soon. And you too Cally...and take care of yourself as best you can for now.

Sondra said...

A poet now, Beautiful post. Keep that new flower opening in the forefront. Revel in the saturation of color...Let the waves roll over you and feel their healing waters...
Have a lovely week, Miss Poet,
Love and Light

Metal_Babe said...

Though I don't pop in nearly enough to show you how often you are in my thoughts - I am sending positive, caring energy your way every day. You are moving through this journey with such grace, introspection, and fierceness (!) that you actually become a beacon for those of us who allow ourselves to go through life blind too often. I've got your back, however silently.
Hell, I'm going to call you right now!

salmonpoetry said...

yeah, this is the fundamental uncontestable philosophy of life, i've found: suffering is unavoidable. even chocolate can't make it go away, sometimes... we are so taught and conditioned to try to avoid the downs in life, we are prescribed medication, taught not to speak about it, etc. this is just the reality and there's no way around it. true it can become a problem if it becomes paralyzing and there are too few ups to balance it out, but recognizing that life rolls like the waves is a really healthy (and eloquent) approach, it seems to me.
calling out to friends for reminders that you will get through it is a useful tool, too. we are all in this life together, for better or worse.

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

It is so hard not to get sucked down into the undertow. But you are a lovely barnacle, Tay, and look how much this journey has taught you and changed you for the better. Complacence is a lethal thing. You are an example to all of us of mindful living.