i'm listening to the soundtrack from one of my all time favorite movies, amelie. it's very happy-making music. heaven help me, i need more happy. the rain pours down outside as the mailman slides another batch of hospital bills into my mail slot. i see my old companion, depression, hanging around in the corners of my apartment. i don't meet his eye. i'm hoping if i ignore him, he'll get the message and hit the road.
i'm taking frequent doses of my trusted homeopathic spray by liddell, called "feeling overwhelmed". that sums it up, my friends. i am feeling overwhelmed. i'm so good at looking at the whole interconnected ball of life. yet when the time comes to put that big mass in a box and just focus on one thing at a time, one manageable task, i often falter.
fresh start. new tricks are needed. today i chose to do something i felt inspired to do, instead of following my "must do" plan for the day. i talk a good talk about flexibility, but it's often so hard for me to achieve. practice, practice. life is practice.
so. i cleared off my project table at home instead of going to my studio to work. the first step towards making art, painting again. making art, not making a living.
as much as it is creative and wonderful, making a living as a jeweler is challenging. even without dealing with breast cancer. you can't just dial it in. i have created a life where i have to show up, i have to perform or i don't get paid. i'm the designer, the manufacturer, the marketing director, the bookkeeper and the cleaning service. whew.
today, i decided to blithely ignore those harsh realities and begin something that feels happy, seems approachable. the table is now clean and ready. i have a shelf to hang, some clutter in the corner to resolve. focus on something i can control right now.
what is breast cancer? it's giving up control. it's facing what we all have before us all the time. that these lives we build are as fragile as they are strong. that things, everything, can change in a minute. that we can make plans, but life is what happens.