Saturday, January 5, 2008

healing is the hardest job you'll ever do

my elation of the last post seems to have been blown away on the unusual strong winds whipping down my street. i awoke yesterday in a fog of dizziness, stumbled through the day with nausea and exhaustion. i couldn't concentrate enough to read or look at the computer screen for long. i kept thinking i could shake it off, but that was impossible.

it was more than a feeling of being "off", i couldn't even seem to find the control panel.

a session at acupuncture helped some. then i went to my naturpath, dr. scopes, for a consult on the evil rash and to make a plan for radiation. the rash is slowly beginning to heal, to dry up. next week i will see a chinese medicine doc that specializes in cancer patients for more support in dealing with radiation.

herbs and rays, man. put it that way and i sound like a cool surfer dude.

this research things is automatic pilot, at least. i feel overwhelmed, however. so much information, so many decisions everyday. i get confused and ask myself, did i take this vitamin? what should i eat for lunch that fits all the new requirements? like it must have good protein for healing from surgery, lots of antioxidants to build my immune system and then the basics, like do i want to eat that right now and is it in my fridge? breakfast is always my easiest meal of the day. i would die without plain yogurt, flax meal and granola. thank goodness green tea is so good for me. if i was still a coffee drinker, then even breakfast would be a struggle.

healing is a big job. maybe that is why i am so tired. nurse martha spent some time on the phone with me yesterday and offered this reassurance: healing is happening, it's on a slow trend towards better everyday. yet within that trend, there will be days that feel crappy and days that feel good. she also assured me that while yes, sugar and stress feed cancer, if a little dark chocolate is going to help with the stress, its likely a good trade off.

moderation in all things, including healthy things.

wise words much needed for this girl. you see, i have a past checkered with extreme health undertakings. like the year in my 20's i ate only raw food and wheatgrass juice. and rode my bike 50 miles a week. even as recently as last january, i started the year with a short juice fast, then a cleanse, then tried to cut out all sugar for the month. i ended up getting really depressed. never try to cleanse in january, it goes against nature and makes the process brutal instead of gentle and nurturing. unless you live in the tropics. then january is a great month for a cleanse. note to self: move to the tropics every winter.

i still have much to learn on being gentle with myself.

i look at my goals for this month and it seems they are already slipping away, after only 4 days. i occurs to me now that walking an hour a day for the month of january might have been too ambitious after nearly 2 months of not moving much at all. maybe first i should try getting up before 9 am. i feel like all i want to do is sleep.

i've reached some kind of ground zero with my body. the reserves seem to be tapped out. i have to rebuild from scratch, little by little.


salmonpoetry said...

ah, take it easy on yourself Tay. i think that the month of january is oh-so hard in many ways, the heart of winter, dark, damp, cold, drained from the holidays. yet we want so much and are encouraged that this is the time to 'make a fresh start.' i think you have the right idea with the word gentle sprinkled throughout your post. and don't forget that healing is hard work, with good compensation no doubt, but time and energy consuming in the meantime. hopefully you can ease slowly into what will prove to be a year of health and wellness for you.

Tay said...

thanks, Lisa. I've been really down the last couple of days. I really appreciate your comment.

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

I hope you are feeling okay, feeling a little better. January is unquestionably the worst month of the year! You just must get through it. I know you want to bring structure to your life but don't let "the rules" on walking, food, etc, stifle you. Because if you don't make them - you will likely be disappointed with yourself. Perhaps you should do weekly planning rather than daily to build flexibility into your schedule - ie walk 2 hours a week (only sunny days count). Wake up 3 days of the week earlier than 9 (maybe your body needs rest. as long as it is not a sign of depression, I can't imagine that more sleep could be bad for you). Make sure you have good music at your home and make sure that you clean up clutter so you feel fresh and relaxed in a feng shui sort of way.
Thinking of you!