Tuesday, March 4, 2008

tears. laughter. burning. oh, my!

having three days off radiation in a row has made a difference, most noticeably in my state of mind. i feel more sane and calm than i did last week. i am more rested, although the breast doesn't look or feel much better. still incredibly burnt to shit. yet, i can only assume that the time off rads is helping my body heal and repair, so it can accept more treatments this week.

i've stopped even trying to work in the studio or do anything but take care of my body. can't wear a bra. spend hours soothing on aloe gel, herbal creams, applying ice packs. the past few days i have spent hours online(something i can do topless), connecting with communities of other women going through similar treatments. it's been comforting. it's good to know i am not alone, not the only person having a shitty time with radiation. some women have said it was worse than chemo for them. next week, i have an appointment at the quest center with a therapist and then a naturapath doctor that really knows breast cancer.

something i'd never have guessed when this began: my regression to childhood entertainment. although i should have seen this coming, as i always watch the movie babe when i am sick. the most comfort of late i have found is the first season of the muppet show. just the opening song makes me smile. pure silliness, little bubbles of happy blown in from the past.

then last night, i rented the wonderful peter sellers movies, the pink panther series. laugh out loud funny stuff. what a master he was. those films are like candy right now, absolutely perfect to lighten my mood.

thank-you for your cards and emails, your thoughtful care packages mailed and dropped off under cover of night. bless you for reaching out and letting me know that even when i am not able to respond, you all are still here. i am sure your prayers and thoughts are holding me in ways i cannot even imagine. today i feel a wee bit of rational perspective has returned.

i open my eyes and see you all are still here, surrounding me, believing the best.

my mom is coming back. she called yesterday and we found a great last minute airfare sale. it's an incredible gift that she is willing and able to come out here from michigan and take care of me for a few days. as i crawl along through these long days, it gives me something to look forward to. next wednesday night. just make it until then. i can do it. she will be here six days, then i will have another eight til i finish rads. mom's visit will break this next month into some more manageable chunks, i hope.


beadbabe49 said...

So glad to hear your mom is coming to help you through part of this next month...I'll be sending cool healing beams from the coast...

modish said...

yay mom! I know she'll help lift your spirits. And that means it'll be nice weather again starting next Wed! :)

Cheryl Janis said...

Hi Tay, Goddess bless you. You are so courageous and I love the way you just move with what comes your way. That is true lesson and gift for the rest of us. Keep writing. Your voice is beautiful and next time I play the harmonium (which is every day) I will sing your name to the Beloved Sita/Ram and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this. Thank-you for sharing. I will keep on reading...You are so inspiring!

Jennifer said...

Paaaaahhhh! I just about peed my pants after watching the clip from Inspector Clueso! You made my day.
Hang in there beautiful spirit...as you said one foot in front of the other.

Natalia said...

hope you are taking good care of yourself, sweetheart. do what you need to give yourself whatever solace and comfort you can. i am so glad to hear that you've connected with some folks locally who you can have community with around dealing with rads and breast cancer. i know that kind of support will be powerful for you. and i'm so glad your mom is coming! nobody can take care of you as well as she, i am sure. you are so lucky to have such a wonderful mom and supportive family.
much love to you.