oh, man. i feel like i fell down a well. for lack of a better term, i'll call it the well of despair. i hesitate to even write this post, for i fear you all are so happy for me completing the radiation treatment that this will just be a big bucket of cold water. i'm sorry. i cannot be the ray of sunshine right now.
i have to confess. i wrote my celebration post before i left for the hospital on wednesday. and actually, my final treatment went fine. i brought milkshakes to my techs and we hugged goodbye. i walked out of there feeling like it was the end scene in a very strange dream. driving down the hill from the hospital, i felt good enough that i did something silly.
what i should have done was something very sweet and gentle, like a pedicure.
instead, what i did ended up feeling like 100 bad days piled on top of one another. i went to the speciality lingerie store and got fitted for my prosthesis and bras. my chest is healed enough to at least try them on, if not wear a real bra all day long. i thought it would be good, to start getting back to normal.
normal. what a shitty term. there is no normal. i am never going to have back my body, like it was.
i spent a painful hour standing topless in front of a full length mirror, trying on hideous bras. then i drove home through heavy rain feeling both numb and rubbed raw. when i got home, i turned off my phones and crawled into bed. i haven't wanted to get up yet. i cried more bitter tears in the past day than the last four months combined. i think i've been focused so much on having a good attitude and finding the little blessings along the way that i forgot to grieve. or maybe, it was just too scary to do until now, after treatment.
i can't fully explain it at this moment, i am so deep in grief.
i'll write in more detail soon.