i am the sloth

i am moving so slowly through each day. walking feels like pushing through something dense, a substance much heavier than air. for me, the girl who normally walks at new york speed, this is like walking inside someone else's body.

perhaps the body of a tree sloth, with less arm strength.

fatigue is something i couldn't have imagined. it's much more complex than just being tired all the time. i have worked punishingly hard physical jobs in my life. farming, cleaning hotel rooms and waitressing, to name a few. even the kind of tired those jobs produced after long double shifts does not touch this.

my very core is weary.

i have new, deep empathy for those with chronic fatigue syndrome. i had no idea. my heart goes out to you all.

it's all i can do to get myself to radiation, follow my healing protocol and make healthy meals. my body requires so much energy just to repair itself from the damage of the radiation treatment. parts of my brain seem shut down to conserve energy. the cancer cells are disorganized, so they are efficiently killed off by radiation. my healthy cells have their shit together and i am boosting them with all these herbs, etc. but it takes a toll on those cells, to have to repair themselves, over and over as the treatments continue.

if only i could crawl into a little cocoon until it's all done.

my post from yesterday was offered in hopes of saying something more inspiring than i am still here and it's still very, very hard. today is the health report.

please send thoughts of strength for my cells who are working so hard. i have two more treatments of the whole breast. then they do something called a "boost" for eight treatments. this will be radiation that is focused on the area of the tumor. my burnt nipple, underarm and the raw area under my breast will get to rest and begin recovery. i'm very glad for this transition.

thank-you for the supportive comments and emails. i read them all and they help sustain my spirit.