Thursday, December 4, 2008

two hands with too much to hold

*gulp* just coming up for air. life has been jam packed this past week. holiday show & sale #2 has come and gone. i was helping organize that one, including writing a blog. it went well, even considering the glum economy, for that i am so thankful! not selling a thing for the month of october has made a very large hole to fill, more than one holiday sale can do alone. i am hoping my website sales are on fire for the next 10 days. fingers crossed...

additionally, i have been in the trenches with my job search. chasing down listings all over the internet and writing, writing, writing. each resume crafted to each posting. also setting all my intention and holding it as firmly as i can muster. if you out there reading would join me in holding that intention, i would be so grateful. i need a job and i want one that sustains me with not only money, but also meaning. i am working quite hard on getting out of the way of my destiny and keeping doubts and fears acknowledged, but not indulged.

my body isn't on board all the way with that, however. the past few weeks have brought long painful bouts of intense stress-tummy. stabbing pain to dull ache. tossing and turning at night. eating very sporadically, as almost nothing will go down. it's better this week, however. my chinese medicine practitioner gave me some herbs that are as bitter as burnt bark, but have soothed my insides.

i am keeping the stress at bay, moment by moment.

this month is flying by already. another holiday sale event this weekend, then my last week of job searching and getting my home in order before surgery on the 18th. also before my mom flies in on the 16th. i want to have my place sparkling, so she can relax a bit when she is here taking care of me. the last three times my mom came, she absolutely slaved, trying to bring me and my home back to civility from squalor.

really, it was that bad.

i'm nervous about surgery, my dear friends. it comes on when i lay down to sleep. thoughts racing around, despite my best attempts to breathe deep and stay calm. i know my surgeon is skilled, i just find the thought of surgery so icky and scary. last year i didn't have weeks to anticipate, everything happened pretty quickly.

so i am doing alright in general, i thought you might like to know. holding fear in one hand and positive intention in the other. trying to honor both, yet i would love to put the fear down and use both hands to hold that intention.

can you help me? can we hold it together? oh, thank-you...

5 comments:

Sondra said...

We're right there with you, Tay,
Hoping the INTENTION overcomes the fear. Deep Breath, Now let it out slowly and settle...
You can do this, and get a job that you love.
Thinking of you and sending much healing energy,
Love,

PetalsYoga said...

Tay,

Still here. Still sending you bountiful love and support. You have all that you need to heal and go forward with that amazing life you are working towards.

Stay centered and don't stop breathing,

Jan

Laura said...

One thing at a time is simple but not easy. I hope you did well at yesterday's show, and I am looking forward to connecting with you!!! Thank you again for the lovely gift. I want everyone here who is a member of the "Turnip community" that I received a gorgeous necklace on behalf of all of you -- it was a lovely and poignant moment to be caught in a crossfire of generosity and gratitude, which I appreciated and will continue to appreciate.

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Tay,
Hold on one second........
I want you to picture this. I am in Mali, in my hotel room. I read your post. So I clasped my hands in front of my face and I closed my eyes and I envisioned this - sending you from the inside my positive intent. I saw it rush away from my body, I literally saw it move over the ocean waves, enter the US, and move up to Portland. It found your apartment -- it saw the twinkling on the wall -- and found you sitting at a table. Somehow I was standing behind you. I put my hands on both your shoulders. I leaned down and then I whispered my wish in one ear that you find a job. And then I saw myself leaning over to the other ear and whispering my wish for your health and safe passage through surgery. And then I saw myself touch your auburn hair and wish for you true love. And then I whisked myself away.

(I am not making this up.)

your friend,
Maryam

Tay said...

Oh, my friends...thank-you so much for holding this with me. For your faithfulness, your love.

I keep coming back to re-read these comments because your words are so deeply encouraging.

*happy tears*

I feel the positive intention flowing to me from you~today I feel strangely calm and cheerful, optimistically expectant, even.

bless you Sondra, Jan, Laura & Maryam...you are such treasures.