Wednesday, December 17, 2008

the 11th hour

it is nearly go time for my surgery, dear readers. tomorrow morning i check in at 6am. the surgery is scheduled to be 2 1/2 hours, so if all goes well, i hope we will be back home and dozing on the couch at noon.

the past 36 hours have been rough. the snow and ice covering portland was such a burden on my already overwhelmed preparations list. even though worrying accomplishes nothing, i have been beside myself, with a pounding headache, no appetite and sleep has been hard to come by.

did i mention my heat went out last night? ah, yes. we woke very cold and it didn't get better. the repair crew did not arrive til after 5pm and then spent over an hour seemingly perplexed as to how to fix the problem. i honestly thought i was just going to scream and completely melt down.

finally, the heat was fixed, we ate dinner and watched the weather forecast. finally, some hope on the horizon. the ice storm predicted yesterday for thursday morning seems to have been downgraded to just snow. this surgery is at the branch of the hospital on the riverfront, which is a blessing, considering that the worst of the weather will be in the hills of portland.

i am still nervous about the surgery itself, but at least i am going to bed tonight feeling comfortable with our safe travels to and fro.

i am sorry not to have given you all an update until tonight, i literally have been running around like crazy. i have felt crazy!

but now, with the moment nearly upon me, my mom here (oh, my it is wonderful to have her!) and the apartment warming back up, i think it will be ok. at least most of my to-do list is crossed off! we've grocery shopped enough to last us a week(a task that involved going to literally 5 different stores today), the house is clean and my online sales orders are all shipped out. the sale went quite well, for which i am very thankful. only one thing didn't happen, because i spent so long waiting at home for the repairs to be completed. i wanted candles. not just any candles, but
unscented tea lights. you know, the kind in the little tin cups, that fit perfectly in my candle holders- ready and waiting on my new mantle shelf with it's lovely large mirror. i wanted to have that warm glowy prettiness as i lay on the couch this next week. so, if any of my local friends are out and about and want to drop off something...(hint, hint) i won't be up to visiting for a few days, but care packages are always welcome.

emotionally, this surgery has been harder to prepare for than the others. perhaps it's because i have had so much time to anticipate it, maybe it is because for this one, i am choosing it. cancer put this choice on the table, but ultimately, i am choosing this surgery. intellectually, i feel i have chosen the best possible solution given my options. but emotionally? i have been a wreck.

as i have said before, i just don't like the options. for me, i just want what i had. i have mentally accepted that is not my reality. by my heart still grieves a bit.

tonight i fear all the unknowns. will i make through surgery? will the outcome be something i can live with, something i can love? will i get back to feeling confident and beautiful about my breasts?

only time will tell this story. i'll keep sharing, so stay tuned.


p.s. i anticipate feeling woozy but able to come home tomorrow and post a sentence here to say i am alive and well...

2 comments:

emily b. said...

dear, will be sending you good energy for the procedure. glad your mom is with you. that always helps.

RetroChrome said...

Hello, dear Tay.

Lots of love, healing energy and peace to you. I think of you often.

Jess/blu