Wednesday, April 1, 2009

miracles, big & small

somehow, the entire month of march slipped by me. in pain or sick for most of it, i feel like i got nothing accomplished. so i am very glad to start a new month. my health seems to be steadily improving and after a couple of head adjustments with a skilled physical therapist, the rocks in my inner ear feel like they are back in place. no more feeling dizzy and heaven help me, no more trips to the emergency room!

march hasn't been all gloom, however. there have been a couple of decidedly brilliant spots. my interview day at lewis & clark felt just right at the beginning of the month. then just last week, my acceptance letter to the graduate program arrived.

and like magic, some jewelry sales have floated in without rhyme or reason. i guess abundance doesn't need a reason, it just is. the day the letter arrived, something shifted. suddenly, there was movement and last week delivered a wonderful flurry of orders. it was as if the universe was giving me a sign, a sign that somehow, the money part will all work out.

today, more good news.

for reasons i cannot begin to understand, my health insurance company that manages the COBRA plan has agreed to extend my coverage for an extra month, so i will have continuous coverage until my new plan through the college starts. i asked, expecting a immediate no, as insurance companies are not widely known to be in the business of compassion. for the past two weeks, they have been considering it and today, i heard officially that my request will be granted.

it is a miracle, all of it. just in the nick of time, i have swerved my speeding boat away from the rock. there will be no deadly collision, i am safe.

i am safe. relief hardly even begins to cover what i am feeling.

now to get my body to accept what my brain knows is true. i am going to be ok, i am being held and taken care of, once again. i can unclench my jaw and relax my neck. somehow, the answers i seek on the health front will appear as well. thank-you for all your caring and prayers through this time of worry, i appreciate you faithful friends so much.

i realized a couple of days ago that last thursday, that very terrible, long day i spent at the emergency room was my one year anniversary of completing radiation treatment. i am one year beyond cancer. many people begin to call themselves survivors at this point, but i don't like the term. i think perhaps i don't have to label myself at all. it is simple, really. cancer is in the past. i went through a cancer experience and now i am ready to focus my energy on other things.

this blog is a testimony of what an incredible teacher cancer has been for me. my dear readers, you all know what i have learned and how much change my life has seen. i would not wish this particular teacher on anyone and i hope i never have to meet him again in this lifetime. but if cancer does come knocking on your door, know this: you can prepare for battle and fight him like an enemy, or you can accept him as a teacher and sit down to listen.

honestly, i guess there is also a third option, which is to view him as a robber, come to steal your health, peace of mind and your best energy. there is no perfect way to handle cancer. i have experienced it as all three, enemy, teacher, robber...and i still have days where i look at the marks left on my body by cancer and feel robbed. but that gets me nowhere.

the only way to relate to having cancer that has brought me any shred of peace is as my teacher.

4 comments:

PetalsYoga said...

Well first of all let me say, YEEHAW! It's about time the universe started sending you some high five signs! I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better AND that the insurance company is covering you for the extra month. What a tremendous blessing.

What you said about your attitude to cancer just about floored me. I taught my yoga for healing class today and my exact words were," I am thankful for the Breast Cancer for teaching me to love myself and others more fully." I wouldn't wish my challenges on anyone else, but a life without adversity and the strength and self-knowledge that comes from overcoming or embracing adversity is something I truly believe is priceless.

And then I read your beautiful post of cancer being your teacher and I realized that you put it so much better than I did. Thanks for helping me seal in a radiant moment in my day.

Warmest hugs and health to you,

Jan

Laura said...

I think you got the grace part DOWN! Way to go, Tay. I am so glad you're sharing your wisdom so generously.

Sondra said...

Thanks for letting us celebrate your happiness with you.
Warm breezes of spring to you.
Crocus and daffodils, too.

Pancit said...

Wonderful. I absolutely enjoyed your post (all your posts, actually, but this one in particular). Thank you for sharing your journey with us. :-)