Thursday, February 12, 2009

fretting: worry lite

lately i've been alternating between fretting and being calm & happy. well, those two states with an ample dose of unmotivated frozen-in-place thrown in for good measure.

my energy is increasing, bit by little bit. slowly, sleep is becoming something i can count on. last week i weaned myself off the sleep meds, which was not an easy task. taking my vitamins and supplements every single day has helped in that department. especially the b-vitamins, those babies are critical.

today is seven weeks since the surgery. can you believe that my last bit of scab on the incisions came off only this morning? there is one spot that has been so very slow to heal and in fact has had a bit of a hole for weeks. a few of the so-called dissolved stitches decided to back themselves out of the body. or rather, the body decided to kick them to the curb.

poor body, it's been full-stop busy healing.

i try my best not to fret about it, i really do. but when i lay down to sleep at night, those worry ghosts float in and seem to swallow me. the scar on that part is not looking nice at all. it has widened and raised a bit and seems quite upset, quite red. i may have no choice but to take the expensive route my plastic surgeon suggested if i had any trouble with the scars - to buy these silicone scar-reducing sheets and wear them for 3 months. the only thing holding me back is cost, really. nearly $75! so far, this area is not healing or scarring as well as other places, even from the same surgery.

picture an anchor shape, coming down from the nipple. the problem area is that 't' spot where the long curved incision under the breast meets the vertical one. very tricky place, that.

i will also admit, i have been struggling with diet recently. perhaps that has held up my healing? not eating as healthy as i was prior to surgery, that is for certain. re-introducing just a few starches has put me back into a carb-craving cycle that is hard to break. actually, it's a classic salty-sweet cycle. i have taken to eating raisins with sea salt -a good trick that often works. (really, you should try it - sounds weird but is delicious) oh, and water. i have been getting a gallon a day down consistently, but really i know i need another couple of liters.

so this healthy eating isn't an exact science! not a huge surprise there. i find when i am tired or crabby, i just don't turn to salad for comfort. and i don't fancy cold food at all in the winter, honestly. which my chinese medicine doctor would say is absolutely fine and good. then the raw food alkaline camp will rebut and i'm so overwhelmed with what to eat that i end up eating nothing from breakfast until i am starving at 6pm.

funny how easily one can get thrown off course when a few elements (that taken one at a time might be managed without wavering) come all together in a bunch. let's see...well, in my self-declared 'year without cancer', my nephew and a dear friend are both in the thick of cancer surgery & treatment. cancer seems to be in my life, even though i have banished it from my body. i simply do not want that to be true. i want to relax into life and forget about cancer for a while. a year or two, at least. is that too much to ask?

then my luck with avocados has been total crap for weeks (i depend on them for my breakfast smoothie) and my close-by asian grocery stopped stocking young coconuts (back up plan if avocados are not ripe) and what else? well, i think i just fell out of my good groove a couple of weeks ago and i have been floundering around since.

i am getting things sorted out, however. each day is a fresh start.


Anonymous said...

Wow, amazing post -- even though it's in small places, I notice that there is so much movement in your life... the scabs falling off... what a milestone. I hear you being responsive though, rather than reactive. And not that a book is ever an "answer" but I wanted to let you (and your readers) know that Jan Chozen Bays, the Zen teacher here in the Portland area has come out with another book, called Mindful Eating. It just came out the other day! I mention it because she has a CD in the back with guided meditations in it. I have not gotten my own copy yet, so I have not experienced them, but I have gone to her Mindful Eating weekend workshop. I imagine the guided meditations could be a support to your getting reacquainted with your self in this area.


Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Oh do get the scar sheets!!!! Please! I am happy to contribute.

With love,

PetalsYoga said...


Still here in the background supporting your healing and journey. Just wanted you to know.

And thanks to Laura about that great Mindful Eating book... can't wait to check it out.