Thursday, January 8, 2009

please, can someone get that cloud to stop following me?

today marks three week since my surgery. i wish i could say i am doing amazing and feeling better everyday. truth is, this week has been the hardest yet. i hesitate to report because it all sounds like a whiny child.

the worst is not sleeping well.

do you know sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture? it is a method that would be very effective on me. last saturday night was the last night i slept reasonably well, through the whole night. i am a teary, overwhelmed wreck.

good heavens, what has changed?

perhaps it is just this stage of healing, i am off the pain meds completely. when i lay down a night, my breast is very uncomfortable and dark thoughts sweep over me. sleeping meds were helping with that scenario. this week, modern medicine failed me, all my alternative therapies and herbs haven't worked...i am just sinking.

but more likely, the cause of my sleepless nights is stress. sleep meds don't seem to override severe stress. i think i went to bed sunday night looking at monday morning as the beginning of something. beginning of my first week back to work after surgery. beginning my job search in earnest, again. beginning the graduate school application process. filing federal financial aid forms for said potential grad school. all heavy stuff, all the money worries i banished to the back of my mind have come forward this week.

pile on top of that a new studio-mate moving in next monday, one intense family conflict, having to re-file my application for financial assistance from the hospital, and my vacancy list at the apartment complex i manage suddenly growing to nine empty by the end of the month...

no wonder my stomach is in knots, everything i eat makes me feel worse and i can't sleep.

not so good for healing up this stitched up breast of mine. although the glue has finally come off and the bruising and swelling is down significantly, so thankfully it is looking less gruesome. the shape is still kinda crazy, but size-wise, it is looking like a much closer match to the other, than it did a couple of weeks ago. thank goodness something is improving or i think i would just break into a million little pieces.

can you tell i am feeling pretty fragile right now?

i feel too tired and foggy to face reality, especially harsh reality. i write a to-do list and it makes me feel worse. i see a job listed on-line i should apply for and my head hurts so much i can't gather the energy to tackle another re-write of my cover letter and resume.

thank heavens i have this blog to pour it all out on. for those of you tuned in today, thank-you for listening. it is so good to know you are out there, especially when i feel so crappy.


lisa weasel said...

Tay- you are not alone, it is difficult to bounce back after the holiday break, for you a holiday that included surgery makes it manyfold harder I am sure. Monday was a miserable day for me, it was so hard to go back to all the expectations of work, etc. I had an interview that went miserably and I felt worthless and hopeless, and wondered how I could have sunk so low after feeling so optimistic and at peace with the new year.
I managed to snap out of it in time for my Powell's reading last night, but the change of schedule and expectations and 'back to work' and just 'back to reality' mentality can cause a lot of stress.
Have you tried valerian and hops for the sleep/relaxation? can you schedule an evening massage (if you are able to get one, with the breast)to help with relaxation at night? maybe your surgeon/care provider can prescribe one if you have any insurance coverage on that (not sure where you stand with that at the moment, but my insurance covers some of it if my doctor prescribes it).
take it easy on yourself as much as you can in these times. you are creative and reslient and the light will re-emerge in your life.

Sondra said...

Wallow in the feeling, then let it go. There is light at the end, you must give it it's own time to come to you. I know "Patience" is not what you want to hear but it is what is in the air for you now.
Just know we are here for you and sending our energy out. Reach up,
Grab it.
It will help,

Paige said...


On the positive side it's good to hear the the breast is "shaping up" a bit.

Sounds like overall it's not much fun being you right now. Not enough sleep just as a lone factor all by itself can turn one into a mess. I've had more than my fair share of personal experience with this one.

When I don't get enough sleep I really need to lower my expectations for getting other things done; otherwise it just fuels the lack of sleep/stress cycle.

Another weirdity I've observed in the laws of the universe is that sometimes the more one tries to make things better the worse they get. Sometimes it's good just to let things be as they are, and stop struggling so much. The image of quicksand comes to mind.

For me feeling overwhelmed is usually a sign that I am doing too much (which can be the case sometimes even when I think I'm doing too little), not breaking tasks down into small enough steps,
and not giving myself enough credit for little steps forward.

Three weeks out from surgery is not very long. I found that after my prophylactic mastectomy this fall it took what seemed like forever to feel better. In retrospect I was doing way too much
and like you I had some major stressors come up right after the surgery. It was a bad mix. It took a couple of month before I was totally back to normal. A lot of it was just time and rest.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for good reason. It's really, really awful. Maybe revisiting the sleep meds with your provider is in order?

Wishing you healing and a good night's sleep. Paige

Pancit said...

Hi, Tay. I really don't know what else to add to all the great comments already posted, but I found this quote and thought you would appreciate it.

"Strength is happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being. A strong spirit, strong faith, and strong prayer - developing these is victory."

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Darling Tay,
I am so sorry I have not visited. I would like to just offer the following:

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” -- Harriet Beecher Stowe