Sunday, July 20, 2008

the endless horizon

it's my body that is the problem. the pain is there, my disease manifest there in the cells, the soft tissue, the muscles. i am angry at it all. i am sick and tired of healing, of being a patient. fed up with being the woman with all this shit broken in my body. i just want to be healed NOW, to be done, to move on and over and past all this. i can't even walk away from it, let alone run. and i am angry enough to run long and far.

as i explained yesterday, it's not just the cancer. it is these other conditions that seem to have no end in sight. when will i be healed from this weak arm and this disabled foot? why do i have to deal with them now, when i am so fragile from all the cancer bullshit of the past few months? don't i deserve a break in this life?

holy hell, will i ever get to dance again?

it feels like the joy is sucked out of life. pain and an endless horizon of more treatment, more time, more waiting, more babying my body...there is too much to see beyond. i don't know if it will ever really be better. i am too young for this. to young to give up enjoying my body and just live through my mind and heart. too young to wear only comfort shoes by day and wrist braces to bed every night. too young to give up feeling empowered, feeling sexy.

i want dancing. and sex. and freedom to move through the world . i want pleasure, not pain.

my mom tells me gently that i have been angry for months. she is most likely right. i didn't realize it until recently. i was so busy dealing with treatment and scrambling to make ends met every month that i buried those dark feelings. they pop out around people i know well. here on the blog, i've tried to tap into the fruits of my experience, to mine the lessons. i have wanted to feel there was some value to all my suffering. some gain.

now, i touch the loss. i am feel the texture of it and weigh it in my hands. in my heel. in my breasts. i have healed so much emotional damage in my life. clearly i am not afraid of hard work. i am in fact working really hard at healing. but the anger thwarts me.

this. this is beating me down. i am exhausted by it. the injustice grips my heart and doesn't let go. i just wish there was a place i could escape from all of the loss, a place to put it outside the door and be free for an hour, even. i've thought of relief just dying now would bring. yes, i have thought of it, but don't give that "out" serious consideration.

oh, dammit all to hell!


Catherine Chandler said...

Oh honey, you have every right to be angry. I would be too! Good god you've seen a lot and who the hell can expect you to really be bright and shiny through it all? And haven't many of us, who have been through incredible pain, emotional and physical, wondered about the peace death would bring? I certainly have. But I knew that was not an option. I so dearly wish I could give you many many hugs. Maybe even a tickle :) You need to feel your anger. Don't embrace it too tightly, but feel it. See it. Work through it, and when you're ready, let it go. It is perfectly natural and part of the process of it all. And remember, you have many people that love you!

Tay said...

thank-you Catherine for your affirming words. It feels really good to have you accept my anger with so much love and compassion. Bless you!

PetalsYoga said...


You have inspired so many of us with your words and bravery. Your even empowered me to write my own blog. The truth of your frustration and anger regarding your body's frailty will be another sort of inspiration. By allowing yourself the freedom to share your fury, you give the rest of us the freedom to experience our own lives fully and completely. I am exceptionally thankful for you and ALL of your words.

Thank you Tay for your honesty,


Tay said...

Jan~ thank-you so much for sharing that! Really what I needed to hear. It's always scary to put things out here on the blog, even if I make it look easy sometimes. And the silence that follows can be hard to take, even though in theory I write this for myself.

So cool you started a blog! Way to go. I just started reading a bit and it's great. You've been on some big adventures.

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Dear Tay,
Life can be really, really shitty sometimes -- okay, a lot of the time. And incredibly unfair. Sometimes it just seems that we get so much more than we are due. We ask ourselves, how much is enough?

Of course you deserve happiness, and dancing, and sex. You have been so living with the constraints of your body rather than being able to just enjoy it. That's wearing. I am not surprised that you are angry. I would be angry, too.

I hope you have supportive people in your non-virtual world. I hope you will let them in and let them take you away from some of this. I know that sometimes when I am sad and angry, I just don't want to see anyone. But I feel so much better when I let myself be transported to another place with people who care about me. Fun is healing. I hope you will actively plan time to have some.

love from Marrakech,

Vittoria said...

I just found your blog, and I love your jewelry. You are so entitled to be angry. I grew up in so much pain and discomfort, never even knowing that it was there until I started to heel in my late teens. Somehow, I managed to tap into the anger and frustration and use it as fuel for my studies, art, and eventually to heel and continue to improve. My heart goes out to you. As angry as you are, you should try to see what you do have, besides what you don't. You have a wonderful, creative mind and the ability to make amazing jewelry. I wish you peace and calm when you are through this.