i know i've been quiet this week, my friends. hopefully my last post was one to savor and has kept you satisfied. whatever have i been up to, you ask?
oh, just writing, writing, research and more writing.
i will now officially announce i am applying to graduate school! the application is due by the first of february, so this next week is more writing, editing and then probably more editing. the essay is the hardest part, especially since everything i have read on the subject of grad school entrance essays say it is the only thing i have any control over that will help me stand out from the pack.
if only i knew how big of a pack i had to beat. no, scratch that. knowing the competition would make no difference. a brilliant essay, with my experiences, reasons, goals and highest hopes all mashed in to one single page -must be written.
the financial aid experts assure me that i can indeed borrow enough through federal loans to finance the whole degree. my hope is to begin school full time this summer and then in about two years, graduate and be ready for a much more successful job search.
while in school, i'll keep my part time job managing the apartments where i live, it is a great gig. and i will do a little jewelry on the side. and from now until june? i hope and pray that with all my intentions lined up, that the universe will conspire to deliver enough jewelry sales to see me through.
the school i've chosen is lewis and clark college. the degree is a master of education in school counseling. all signs point in this direction. i have cleared the mist and focused my intention.
my target is in sight.
ok, back to writing.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
loving what is
my body: this elastic, changing container. today marks one month since my surgery and i see healing, i see hope.
the past 14 months i have spent many hours in despair, only able to see my body in terms of broken, sick, weak, damaged, ugly. yet something has shifted the past month, a significant shift towards the positive.
my squishy belly has always been an area that i reviled. i grew up in an era that instructed girls at puberty to "suck in your tummy". i learned to feel shame for my soft, rounded belly. actress bo derek's taunt bikini belly in the movie "10" was the standard. mine was symbolic of failure. my belly showed the world how i lost my battle with food, over and over. in middle school, i binged secretly on girl scout cookies. by the end of high school, i ate almost nothing and dropped 40 pounds, to my parent's delight.
as an adult, i've enjoyed long periods of peace with my body, but also times of great struggle and strife. this relationship between me and my body has rarely been an easy one.
as breast cancer has marked me with scars, i have had to come to terms with the loss of esteem for that part of my body i always loved: my breasts. i see them now and i am glad to have them, even bearing the history of this last year so vividly. one month out from my last surgery, they look quite the matching pair, when i am dressed. naked, there is still much healing to be done. but i can see now, how the next several months will show steady improvement. already, the shape is becoming more natural.
yet even though i spend far more time dressed than i do naked, it is the naked me i most want to love.
during one extraordinary time of peace with my body, i worked as an artist's model. for a few hours every week, i was nude for a group of painters. to them, i wasn't skinny, i wasn't fat, i was just beautiful. a subject with lovely coloring and interesting shapes. i have never felt so celebrated as i did then. i originally began nude modeling to push myself, i wanted to be more comfortable in my skin. i wanted to love my body, to see it though another lens. the experience was a great success. that group of painters did more for my body image than any lover i've ever had. (which is a sad comment on my choice of lovers, i realize.)
so here i am now, looking through my own lens, trying to see what is good. looking for beauty and hope. seeing my body as something i am lucky to have. the smaller breasts look better on my frame than i imagined in those tense months leading up to the surgery.
strangely, i look slimmer. one friend said i look like i lost 20 pounds. no, i said, less than a pound. but my proportions have changed in a way that to my eyes, looks dramatic. and good.
the soft belly is unchanged and i have decided to treasure it. that particular curve is exactly what would be needed if i ever had to build two new breasts in the future. if breast cancer comes back, i am ready. my two back up b-cups are growing right here - my belly. if i had a double mastectomy, then skilled plastic surgeons can actually use my own belly tissue to create breasts.
now, i am looking on my belly with affection. it just might come in handy someday. i find that deeply comforting, to know that should disaster strike again, i am prepared.
these shifts in perception have helped me adjust my goals and expectations. i no longer feel driven to achieve a particular weight. if i feel good, i will look good. and my healthy eating, my maintaining of a balanced ph in my body - that is better cancer prevention than any "perfect" body mass index score.
as my foot has improved so much this past fall, and with the final surgery safely behind me, i can now begin exercise again. gentle and slow to start. yesterday, i bounced softly on my trampoline, dancing to inspiring music.
a start, just 10 minutes. but a start.
the past 14 months i have spent many hours in despair, only able to see my body in terms of broken, sick, weak, damaged, ugly. yet something has shifted the past month, a significant shift towards the positive.
my squishy belly has always been an area that i reviled. i grew up in an era that instructed girls at puberty to "suck in your tummy". i learned to feel shame for my soft, rounded belly. actress bo derek's taunt bikini belly in the movie "10" was the standard. mine was symbolic of failure. my belly showed the world how i lost my battle with food, over and over. in middle school, i binged secretly on girl scout cookies. by the end of high school, i ate almost nothing and dropped 40 pounds, to my parent's delight.
as an adult, i've enjoyed long periods of peace with my body, but also times of great struggle and strife. this relationship between me and my body has rarely been an easy one.
as breast cancer has marked me with scars, i have had to come to terms with the loss of esteem for that part of my body i always loved: my breasts. i see them now and i am glad to have them, even bearing the history of this last year so vividly. one month out from my last surgery, they look quite the matching pair, when i am dressed. naked, there is still much healing to be done. but i can see now, how the next several months will show steady improvement. already, the shape is becoming more natural.
yet even though i spend far more time dressed than i do naked, it is the naked me i most want to love.
during one extraordinary time of peace with my body, i worked as an artist's model. for a few hours every week, i was nude for a group of painters. to them, i wasn't skinny, i wasn't fat, i was just beautiful. a subject with lovely coloring and interesting shapes. i have never felt so celebrated as i did then. i originally began nude modeling to push myself, i wanted to be more comfortable in my skin. i wanted to love my body, to see it though another lens. the experience was a great success. that group of painters did more for my body image than any lover i've ever had. (which is a sad comment on my choice of lovers, i realize.)
so here i am now, looking through my own lens, trying to see what is good. looking for beauty and hope. seeing my body as something i am lucky to have. the smaller breasts look better on my frame than i imagined in those tense months leading up to the surgery.
strangely, i look slimmer. one friend said i look like i lost 20 pounds. no, i said, less than a pound. but my proportions have changed in a way that to my eyes, looks dramatic. and good.
the soft belly is unchanged and i have decided to treasure it. that particular curve is exactly what would be needed if i ever had to build two new breasts in the future. if breast cancer comes back, i am ready. my two back up b-cups are growing right here - my belly. if i had a double mastectomy, then skilled plastic surgeons can actually use my own belly tissue to create breasts.
now, i am looking on my belly with affection. it just might come in handy someday. i find that deeply comforting, to know that should disaster strike again, i am prepared.
these shifts in perception have helped me adjust my goals and expectations. i no longer feel driven to achieve a particular weight. if i feel good, i will look good. and my healthy eating, my maintaining of a balanced ph in my body - that is better cancer prevention than any "perfect" body mass index score.
as my foot has improved so much this past fall, and with the final surgery safely behind me, i can now begin exercise again. gentle and slow to start. yesterday, i bounced softly on my trampoline, dancing to inspiring music.
a start, just 10 minutes. but a start.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
sleep is the best medicine
thank-you so much for your encouraging comments on my last post. i really was feeling so awful last week. things started turning around over the weekend, when i started sleeping again. after one good night, i was much brighter in spirit. by nights two and three, my body was feeling more like someplace i wanted to live.
a huge factor in my awful week was simple hormones. how much they run our bodies! the normal swelling and breast tenderness of pms last week was a first class ten-fold wammy on my healing chest. as these things do, the whole thing crested and then passed in a few days.
you all know i am a huge fan of herbs and such. but sometimes, nothing works better than the big old heavy hammer of medicine from the pharmacy. the wonderful physician's assistant at my naturpath's office writes the prescription for any meds and her inspired combo worked like a charm. you see, she herself had a double mastectomy last summer. she nodded knowingly when she saw my stricken face and heard my story of pain, chest muscles tight in spasm. thank heavens for muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories.
thank heavens for women who have walked this road before me.
a few lifestyle adjustments have gone a long way as well. turn the tv off at 9pm. don't look at a single thing on paper or online about jobs or money or anything heavy after dinner. clock out from those things i know stress me out, for at least 4 hours before snuggling into bed.
so, i am sleeping again. it feels amazingly good.
i also had a very reassuring visit with my plastic surgeon today. he was able to explain the science, (and shed a little light on the magic) of the healing before me in the next few months. he asked me to have faith in him and this process, which i admit, does not come easily. nothing personal to him, he is a wonderful doctor. i just don't trust easily.
so my healing is progressing just as it should. all is well, he says. i simply must accept that as truth and today, i do feel good. i see the progress and i feel sane enough, rested enough, to trust that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. healing on schedule.
as if the body can be on a schedule!
another piece of excellent news -the pathology and the tissue they removed came back as clear of any cancer. no irregular cells at all. i didn't have any specific reason to suspect there would be cancer cells lurking about, yet it's always good to get the lab work to support your hopes.
2009: a year without cancer in this body. i pray for 42 more years cancer free, but i will start with just one.
a huge factor in my awful week was simple hormones. how much they run our bodies! the normal swelling and breast tenderness of pms last week was a first class ten-fold wammy on my healing chest. as these things do, the whole thing crested and then passed in a few days.
you all know i am a huge fan of herbs and such. but sometimes, nothing works better than the big old heavy hammer of medicine from the pharmacy. the wonderful physician's assistant at my naturpath's office writes the prescription for any meds and her inspired combo worked like a charm. you see, she herself had a double mastectomy last summer. she nodded knowingly when she saw my stricken face and heard my story of pain, chest muscles tight in spasm. thank heavens for muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories.
thank heavens for women who have walked this road before me.
a few lifestyle adjustments have gone a long way as well. turn the tv off at 9pm. don't look at a single thing on paper or online about jobs or money or anything heavy after dinner. clock out from those things i know stress me out, for at least 4 hours before snuggling into bed.
so, i am sleeping again. it feels amazingly good.
i also had a very reassuring visit with my plastic surgeon today. he was able to explain the science, (and shed a little light on the magic) of the healing before me in the next few months. he asked me to have faith in him and this process, which i admit, does not come easily. nothing personal to him, he is a wonderful doctor. i just don't trust easily.
so my healing is progressing just as it should. all is well, he says. i simply must accept that as truth and today, i do feel good. i see the progress and i feel sane enough, rested enough, to trust that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. healing on schedule.
as if the body can be on a schedule!
another piece of excellent news -the pathology and the tissue they removed came back as clear of any cancer. no irregular cells at all. i didn't have any specific reason to suspect there would be cancer cells lurking about, yet it's always good to get the lab work to support your hopes.
2009: a year without cancer in this body. i pray for 42 more years cancer free, but i will start with just one.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
please, can someone get that cloud to stop following me?
today marks three week since my surgery. i wish i could say i am doing amazing and feeling better everyday. truth is, this week has been the hardest yet. i hesitate to report because it all sounds like a whiny child.
the worst is not sleeping well.
do you know sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture? it is a method that would be very effective on me. last saturday night was the last night i slept reasonably well, through the whole night. i am a teary, overwhelmed wreck.
good heavens, what has changed?
perhaps it is just this stage of healing, i am off the pain meds completely. when i lay down a night, my breast is very uncomfortable and dark thoughts sweep over me. sleeping meds were helping with that scenario. this week, modern medicine failed me, all my alternative therapies and herbs haven't worked...i am just sinking.
but more likely, the cause of my sleepless nights is stress. sleep meds don't seem to override severe stress. i think i went to bed sunday night looking at monday morning as the beginning of something. beginning of my first week back to work after surgery. beginning my job search in earnest, again. beginning the graduate school application process. filing federal financial aid forms for said potential grad school. all heavy stuff, all the money worries i banished to the back of my mind have come forward this week.
pile on top of that a new studio-mate moving in next monday, one intense family conflict, having to re-file my application for financial assistance from the hospital, and my vacancy list at the apartment complex i manage suddenly growing to nine empty by the end of the month...
no wonder my stomach is in knots, everything i eat makes me feel worse and i can't sleep.
not so good for healing up this stitched up breast of mine. although the glue has finally come off and the bruising and swelling is down significantly, so thankfully it is looking less gruesome. the shape is still kinda crazy, but size-wise, it is looking like a much closer match to the other, than it did a couple of weeks ago. thank goodness something is improving or i think i would just break into a million little pieces.
can you tell i am feeling pretty fragile right now?
i feel too tired and foggy to face reality, especially harsh reality. i write a to-do list and it makes me feel worse. i see a job listed on-line i should apply for and my head hurts so much i can't gather the energy to tackle another re-write of my cover letter and resume.
thank heavens i have this blog to pour it all out on. for those of you tuned in today, thank-you for listening. it is so good to know you are out there, especially when i feel so crappy.
the worst is not sleeping well.
do you know sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture? it is a method that would be very effective on me. last saturday night was the last night i slept reasonably well, through the whole night. i am a teary, overwhelmed wreck.
good heavens, what has changed?
perhaps it is just this stage of healing, i am off the pain meds completely. when i lay down a night, my breast is very uncomfortable and dark thoughts sweep over me. sleeping meds were helping with that scenario. this week, modern medicine failed me, all my alternative therapies and herbs haven't worked...i am just sinking.
but more likely, the cause of my sleepless nights is stress. sleep meds don't seem to override severe stress. i think i went to bed sunday night looking at monday morning as the beginning of something. beginning of my first week back to work after surgery. beginning my job search in earnest, again. beginning the graduate school application process. filing federal financial aid forms for said potential grad school. all heavy stuff, all the money worries i banished to the back of my mind have come forward this week.
pile on top of that a new studio-mate moving in next monday, one intense family conflict, having to re-file my application for financial assistance from the hospital, and my vacancy list at the apartment complex i manage suddenly growing to nine empty by the end of the month...
no wonder my stomach is in knots, everything i eat makes me feel worse and i can't sleep.
not so good for healing up this stitched up breast of mine. although the glue has finally come off and the bruising and swelling is down significantly, so thankfully it is looking less gruesome. the shape is still kinda crazy, but size-wise, it is looking like a much closer match to the other, than it did a couple of weeks ago. thank goodness something is improving or i think i would just break into a million little pieces.
can you tell i am feeling pretty fragile right now?
i feel too tired and foggy to face reality, especially harsh reality. i write a to-do list and it makes me feel worse. i see a job listed on-line i should apply for and my head hurts so much i can't gather the energy to tackle another re-write of my cover letter and resume.
thank heavens i have this blog to pour it all out on. for those of you tuned in today, thank-you for listening. it is so good to know you are out there, especially when i feel so crappy.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
new year, still here.
the first day of 2009 finds me where i often am: sitting at my desk, connected to the world through the magic of the internet, with my little dog curled up at my feet. it's not such a bad place to be, but i also know there is more outside my door. most of 2008 saw me in hiding. hunkered down, working on healing and hesitant to leave the house, especially for social events.
i have been hiding in my clothes, too. dark layers to cover up breasts out of whack and a body i've felt was much too chubby. i have wanted to be invisible. i have learned how easy it is to become invisible.
sigh.
so, a new year, a new me? well, the breasts are on their way to being attractive again. i am hopeful that with such time-consuming healing behind me, i can reclaim that energy for exercise. i am hopeful that i can find joy again in movement and fitness.
i don't want to spend this new year looking back with longing at what i was before cancer. i am committing myself to creating and supporting my healthiest new me, after cancer. i know i have work to do on my body-image. it is work i've done before, so at least i know what tool box to open.
in the past week, i have looked at a number of photo galleries online, where women who have had breast reconstruction of different kinds share their process, step-by-step. it's not easy to even view the pictures, many are gruesome and make me feel all wiggly in my tummy. the positive is that i have now seen what others look like, going through similar surgeries. and mine isn't the worst. it's not the best either, but i am glad to report that it looks better everyday.
the surface bruising is healing rapidly, thanks to my dedication to arnica and vitamin c, i think.
my whole breast is still very sore and tender, but it is improving, steadily. the doctor says that in another 3 weeks, the swelling will be significantly down and things will begin to soften up. the tight vertical incision that connects nipple to the crease under the breast will take many months to become soft and stretch to accept the natural weight and drape of the tissue.
i am also hopeful that i will be so busy with a new job that those 6-8 months will fly by and before i know it, things in the cleavage area will be looking beautiful. i am certainly ready now (mentally, that is) to toss off these shapeless sport bras and put on something flattering. sitting here today, i have no idea what size i am or when i can shop for some new underthings. i simply know that i have not a single bra that matches my new size!
ah, the job search. nothing, nada, nope. not a single response to my many applications for jobs in the past two months. my tired brain leaps for answers. why? i am qualified. i am diligently looking and applying. can what i have to offer rise above the economic crises and the over-stocked portland talent pool? i am beginning to wonder if i am crazy to remain positive and hopeful about finding a job.
i have a few more job postings to apply for today. perhaps the universe just wanted me to get past surgery and into a bright new year? maybe i am just supposed to pursue grad school now? just in case, i am applying for financial aid, to see if it is possible for me to just go to school full time.
oh, i never wanted a crystal ball as much as i do right now!
but that isn't how it works, is it? we must all just go through each day, one day at a time. life takes as long as it takes. the truly difficult challenge is to stay present to each day. the urge to skip ahead and see the future and the tug backwards, processing the past - there is our real work. to just be with what is. i'd love to say i'm there. or here, as the case may be.
i guess the important thing to realize is i am still here, trying. aware of my challenges. working on self-compassion and being present. working on getting out of my head and into my heart. thankful for my health. trying to share my light with others and lift them up.
i saw sandra bernhard on tv last night, when she was asked about her new year's resolutions and her answer really resonates with me. sandra said "i don't do resolutions once a year at new years, it's an everyday thing. every day i try to turn the beat around."
i think that fits. in each moment of awareness, i will try to turn the beat around.
happy new year, my friends. thank-you for your faithful support and love. i need you more than you could ever know. may your 2009 be blessed with prosperity, abundant good health and regular reminders of just how very much you are loved.
i have been hiding in my clothes, too. dark layers to cover up breasts out of whack and a body i've felt was much too chubby. i have wanted to be invisible. i have learned how easy it is to become invisible.
sigh.
so, a new year, a new me? well, the breasts are on their way to being attractive again. i am hopeful that with such time-consuming healing behind me, i can reclaim that energy for exercise. i am hopeful that i can find joy again in movement and fitness.
i don't want to spend this new year looking back with longing at what i was before cancer. i am committing myself to creating and supporting my healthiest new me, after cancer. i know i have work to do on my body-image. it is work i've done before, so at least i know what tool box to open.
in the past week, i have looked at a number of photo galleries online, where women who have had breast reconstruction of different kinds share their process, step-by-step. it's not easy to even view the pictures, many are gruesome and make me feel all wiggly in my tummy. the positive is that i have now seen what others look like, going through similar surgeries. and mine isn't the worst. it's not the best either, but i am glad to report that it looks better everyday.
the surface bruising is healing rapidly, thanks to my dedication to arnica and vitamin c, i think.
my whole breast is still very sore and tender, but it is improving, steadily. the doctor says that in another 3 weeks, the swelling will be significantly down and things will begin to soften up. the tight vertical incision that connects nipple to the crease under the breast will take many months to become soft and stretch to accept the natural weight and drape of the tissue.
i am also hopeful that i will be so busy with a new job that those 6-8 months will fly by and before i know it, things in the cleavage area will be looking beautiful. i am certainly ready now (mentally, that is) to toss off these shapeless sport bras and put on something flattering. sitting here today, i have no idea what size i am or when i can shop for some new underthings. i simply know that i have not a single bra that matches my new size!
ah, the job search. nothing, nada, nope. not a single response to my many applications for jobs in the past two months. my tired brain leaps for answers. why? i am qualified. i am diligently looking and applying. can what i have to offer rise above the economic crises and the over-stocked portland talent pool? i am beginning to wonder if i am crazy to remain positive and hopeful about finding a job.
i have a few more job postings to apply for today. perhaps the universe just wanted me to get past surgery and into a bright new year? maybe i am just supposed to pursue grad school now? just in case, i am applying for financial aid, to see if it is possible for me to just go to school full time.
oh, i never wanted a crystal ball as much as i do right now!
but that isn't how it works, is it? we must all just go through each day, one day at a time. life takes as long as it takes. the truly difficult challenge is to stay present to each day. the urge to skip ahead and see the future and the tug backwards, processing the past - there is our real work. to just be with what is. i'd love to say i'm there. or here, as the case may be.
i guess the important thing to realize is i am still here, trying. aware of my challenges. working on self-compassion and being present. working on getting out of my head and into my heart. thankful for my health. trying to share my light with others and lift them up.
i saw sandra bernhard on tv last night, when she was asked about her new year's resolutions and her answer really resonates with me. sandra said "i don't do resolutions once a year at new years, it's an everyday thing. every day i try to turn the beat around."
i think that fits. in each moment of awareness, i will try to turn the beat around.happy new year, my friends. thank-you for your faithful support and love. i need you more than you could ever know. may your 2009 be blessed with prosperity, abundant good health and regular reminders of just how very much you are loved.
Friday, December 26, 2008
magic and the monster
the breast, the breast. it is all about the breast. like tending a sick child, nothing else takes priority. i am a good patient and follow all the doctors' orders. and i am a good mother to this wounded breast. soothing balms and healing potions are applied on schedule, ice packs employed on a regular rotation.
i am doing anything and everything i can to assist and speed healing.
there would appear to be no real rush, as the world has shut down in the northwest. between the holiday and the epic snow storm, nothing is moving. i am stuck inside and not happy about it, i'll admit. but perhaps nature is pushing me into inactivity to help with the healing.
my breast looks shockingly, horribly messed up. my first thoughts were so dark, my heart sank when i saw it. did i make an awful mistake? i know my surgeon said it wouldn't look gorgeous for a few months, but this? my breast looks like a monster. dark and colorful with bruises, a crazy series of long incisions, coupled with a shape that is in no way a match to the other. a sad, beat-up monster, one you would take home wrapped in a blanket and nurse back to health.
i wish the surgeon had warned me exactly how bad it would look. i always do better with the facts and don't fare well with surprises of this nature. i didn't expect to feel more disfigured after surgery. but i guess that was silly. i worried about taking care of so many incisions. and i was right, it is difficult. i am squeamish and don't like looking at them. but no band aid will cover them and besides, i have become allergic to medical adhesives. the incisions are held together with glue.
i am held together with glue. oh, it's all far too gory for me and it's actually on my body. is this really happening? is this my body?
thank heavens for good drugs. painkillers that float you away when it's too much and sleep aids to help get that deep rest needed for healing. although i will be so happy to be past the point when i need their help.
the breast looks strange, it feels strange, too. it's tight and prickly with pain. nerves healing? who knows.
i have barely even pondered how i feel about being smaller. i am still working so hard to control the swelling to wrap my head around the look of it. my sculptors' brain is turning this puzzle over and over - how what i see now can possibly heal and relax into even a pleasing shape, let alone a shape that matches the other breast.
my sister assures me she has seen the process from start to finish, on reality tv and that every plastic surgery procedure looks like six kinds of hell at first. but that then the lovely results boggle the mind, like magic. she tells me that plastic surgeons are magicians and mine is one of the best. that my procedure is something he does everyday, like me going to the studio and making a ring.
i am trying to trust. trying to feel confident and reassured.
so i focus on what i can do. eat healthy, rest well, stroke on my arnica cream and take my vitamins. every couple of hours, ice the whole area. try not to worry. try not to look at it more than once a day.
suspend my disbelief.
i am doing anything and everything i can to assist and speed healing.
there would appear to be no real rush, as the world has shut down in the northwest. between the holiday and the epic snow storm, nothing is moving. i am stuck inside and not happy about it, i'll admit. but perhaps nature is pushing me into inactivity to help with the healing.
my breast looks shockingly, horribly messed up. my first thoughts were so dark, my heart sank when i saw it. did i make an awful mistake? i know my surgeon said it wouldn't look gorgeous for a few months, but this? my breast looks like a monster. dark and colorful with bruises, a crazy series of long incisions, coupled with a shape that is in no way a match to the other. a sad, beat-up monster, one you would take home wrapped in a blanket and nurse back to health.
i wish the surgeon had warned me exactly how bad it would look. i always do better with the facts and don't fare well with surprises of this nature. i didn't expect to feel more disfigured after surgery. but i guess that was silly. i worried about taking care of so many incisions. and i was right, it is difficult. i am squeamish and don't like looking at them. but no band aid will cover them and besides, i have become allergic to medical adhesives. the incisions are held together with glue.
i am held together with glue. oh, it's all far too gory for me and it's actually on my body. is this really happening? is this my body?
thank heavens for good drugs. painkillers that float you away when it's too much and sleep aids to help get that deep rest needed for healing. although i will be so happy to be past the point when i need their help.
the breast looks strange, it feels strange, too. it's tight and prickly with pain. nerves healing? who knows.
i have barely even pondered how i feel about being smaller. i am still working so hard to control the swelling to wrap my head around the look of it. my sculptors' brain is turning this puzzle over and over - how what i see now can possibly heal and relax into even a pleasing shape, let alone a shape that matches the other breast.
my sister assures me she has seen the process from start to finish, on reality tv and that every plastic surgery procedure looks like six kinds of hell at first. but that then the lovely results boggle the mind, like magic. she tells me that plastic surgeons are magicians and mine is one of the best. that my procedure is something he does everyday, like me going to the studio and making a ring.
i am trying to trust. trying to feel confident and reassured.
so i focus on what i can do. eat healthy, rest well, stroke on my arnica cream and take my vitamins. every couple of hours, ice the whole area. try not to worry. try not to look at it more than once a day.
suspend my disbelief.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
slower than molasses in january. really.
it is very quiet here. almost too quiet, which is saying something from a girl who loves her silence. my city of portland has nearly shut down, with more snow than the area has seen in over forty years. so outside my door, the world is very white and very quiet, everything laying under that soft blanket of deep snow.
inside my cosy apartment, even more quiet. my mom departed this morning, as a window of opportunity in the storm systems opened, which seems like a christmas miracle made just for her, and all my family anxiously waiting back in michigan.
i miss her already.
i don't mind in the slightest that it's christmas and she's gone back home. i am just sad because i don't know when i will see her again. no plans or budget in place for a visit in the foreseeable future. it' always harder to say goodbye when you can't say "see you in...".
well, five days after surgery, the healing is rolling along, taking just as long as it takes, i guess. i am assisting with all my herbs and potions. my foggy brain has cleared for the most part, my bodily functions are back to normal. which is a great relief. if i had been able to write a few days ago, i literally had nothing to say that wasn't about poop. primarily how completely awful it is to be not able ( three days, four nights) and then overly able (every hour for one day). a completely boring tale of shit, which had i had an ounce of humor left in me, could have been spun into a hilarious story. alas, my sense of humor was in very limited supply.
moaning, however, was in abundance. as was pain and general discomfort.
oh, i have been crabby! my mom is really a saint for tending to such a crabby baby as i, these past few days. thankfully, she finds my biting sarcasm very funny.
i had loads to be thankful for, in fact. i must publicly thank laura, and the z.e.n. (zen elf network) for providing a capable and cheerful driver at 6:30am this morning to drive my mom to the airport. i must say, i feel very well taken care of and loved. i'll take a zen elf over one of santa's guys any day!
even though i could physically drive, i can't get my car out in this snow. also, my little vw beetle is really too low to the ground for our uncleared roads. can you imagine? most of the roads are not even plowed here, after many days. it boggles the mind of this midwest girl to be so stuck with only 12 inches on the ground! the folks who are driving have chains on their tires, something i've never seen even when i lived in vermont the winter they had 18 feet of snow that year.
i guess an epic storm is all relative.
there is much more to share on the state of my breast, but i'll save that for another post. my couch is calling me for a nap and i'm not going to say no today.
thank-you all so much for your comments and emails full of comfort and warmth. you have seen me through so much. i am indeed blessed you keep returning to my story and continue to hold me up, no matter what comes.
inside my cosy apartment, even more quiet. my mom departed this morning, as a window of opportunity in the storm systems opened, which seems like a christmas miracle made just for her, and all my family anxiously waiting back in michigan.
i miss her already.
i don't mind in the slightest that it's christmas and she's gone back home. i am just sad because i don't know when i will see her again. no plans or budget in place for a visit in the foreseeable future. it' always harder to say goodbye when you can't say "see you in...".
well, five days after surgery, the healing is rolling along, taking just as long as it takes, i guess. i am assisting with all my herbs and potions. my foggy brain has cleared for the most part, my bodily functions are back to normal. which is a great relief. if i had been able to write a few days ago, i literally had nothing to say that wasn't about poop. primarily how completely awful it is to be not able ( three days, four nights) and then overly able (every hour for one day). a completely boring tale of shit, which had i had an ounce of humor left in me, could have been spun into a hilarious story. alas, my sense of humor was in very limited supply.
moaning, however, was in abundance. as was pain and general discomfort.
oh, i have been crabby! my mom is really a saint for tending to such a crabby baby as i, these past few days. thankfully, she finds my biting sarcasm very funny.
i had loads to be thankful for, in fact. i must publicly thank laura, and the z.e.n. (zen elf network) for providing a capable and cheerful driver at 6:30am this morning to drive my mom to the airport. i must say, i feel very well taken care of and loved. i'll take a zen elf over one of santa's guys any day!
even though i could physically drive, i can't get my car out in this snow. also, my little vw beetle is really too low to the ground for our uncleared roads. can you imagine? most of the roads are not even plowed here, after many days. it boggles the mind of this midwest girl to be so stuck with only 12 inches on the ground! the folks who are driving have chains on their tires, something i've never seen even when i lived in vermont the winter they had 18 feet of snow that year.
i guess an epic storm is all relative.
there is much more to share on the state of my breast, but i'll save that for another post. my couch is calling me for a nap and i'm not going to say no today.
thank-you all so much for your comments and emails full of comfort and warmth. you have seen me through so much. i am indeed blessed you keep returning to my story and continue to hold me up, no matter what comes.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
home again
just a quick post to say i am home from the hospital. the surgery went well, i made it out alive! have not looked at the results yet, but i'm like a staggering drunk on these pain meds.
so writing more might be comical, but i'm going to sign off now. sleeping calls.
thanks for the beautiful circle of support. i could feel your good energy all around me last night and today...
so writing more might be comical, but i'm going to sign off now. sleeping calls.
thanks for the beautiful circle of support. i could feel your good energy all around me last night and today...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
the 11th hour
it is nearly go time for my surgery, dear readers. tomorrow morning i check in at 6am. the surgery is scheduled to be 2 1/2 hours, so if all goes well, i hope we will be back home and dozing on the couch at noon.
the past 36 hours have been rough. the snow and ice covering portland was such a burden on my already overwhelmed preparations list. even though worrying accomplishes nothing, i have been beside myself, with a pounding headache, no appetite and sleep has been hard to come by.
did i mention my heat went out last night? ah, yes. we woke very cold and it didn't get better. the repair crew did not arrive til after 5pm and then spent over an hour seemingly perplexed as to how to fix the problem. i honestly thought i was just going to scream and completely melt down.
finally, the heat was fixed, we ate dinner and watched the weather forecast. finally, some hope on the horizon. the ice storm predicted yesterday for thursday morning seems to have been downgraded to just snow. this surgery is at the branch of the hospital on the riverfront, which is a blessing, considering that the worst of the weather will be in the hills of portland.
i am still nervous about the surgery itself, but at least i am going to bed tonight feeling comfortable with our safe travels to and fro.
i am sorry not to have given you all an update until tonight, i literally have been running around like crazy. i have felt crazy!
but now, with the moment nearly upon me, my mom here (oh, my it is wonderful to have her!) and the apartment warming back up, i think it will be ok. at least most of my to-do list is crossed off! we've grocery shopped enough to last us a week(a task that involved going to literally 5 different stores today), the house is clean and my online sales orders are all shipped out. the sale went quite well, for which i am very thankful. only one thing didn't happen, because i spent so long waiting at home for the repairs to be completed. i wanted candles. not just any candles, but unscented tea lights. you know, the kind in the little tin cups, that fit perfectly in my candle holders- ready and waiting on my new mantle shelf with it's lovely large mirror. i wanted to have that warm glowy prettiness as i lay on the couch this next week. so, if any of my local friends are out and about and want to drop off something...(hint, hint) i won't be up to visiting for a few days, but care packages are always welcome.
emotionally, this surgery has been harder to prepare for than the others. perhaps it's because i have had so much time to anticipate it, maybe it is because for this one, i am choosing it. cancer put this choice on the table, but ultimately, i am choosing this surgery. intellectually, i feel i have chosen the best possible solution given my options. but emotionally? i have been a wreck.
as i have said before, i just don't like the options. for me, i just want what i had. i have mentally accepted that is not my reality. by my heart still grieves a bit.
tonight i fear all the unknowns. will i make through surgery? will the outcome be something i can live with, something i can love? will i get back to feeling confident and beautiful about my breasts?
only time will tell this story. i'll keep sharing, so stay tuned.
p.s. i anticipate feeling woozy but able to come home tomorrow and post a sentence here to say i am alive and well...
the past 36 hours have been rough. the snow and ice covering portland was such a burden on my already overwhelmed preparations list. even though worrying accomplishes nothing, i have been beside myself, with a pounding headache, no appetite and sleep has been hard to come by.
did i mention my heat went out last night? ah, yes. we woke very cold and it didn't get better. the repair crew did not arrive til after 5pm and then spent over an hour seemingly perplexed as to how to fix the problem. i honestly thought i was just going to scream and completely melt down.
finally, the heat was fixed, we ate dinner and watched the weather forecast. finally, some hope on the horizon. the ice storm predicted yesterday for thursday morning seems to have been downgraded to just snow. this surgery is at the branch of the hospital on the riverfront, which is a blessing, considering that the worst of the weather will be in the hills of portland.
i am still nervous about the surgery itself, but at least i am going to bed tonight feeling comfortable with our safe travels to and fro.
i am sorry not to have given you all an update until tonight, i literally have been running around like crazy. i have felt crazy!
but now, with the moment nearly upon me, my mom here (oh, my it is wonderful to have her!) and the apartment warming back up, i think it will be ok. at least most of my to-do list is crossed off! we've grocery shopped enough to last us a week(a task that involved going to literally 5 different stores today), the house is clean and my online sales orders are all shipped out. the sale went quite well, for which i am very thankful. only one thing didn't happen, because i spent so long waiting at home for the repairs to be completed. i wanted candles. not just any candles, but unscented tea lights. you know, the kind in the little tin cups, that fit perfectly in my candle holders- ready and waiting on my new mantle shelf with it's lovely large mirror. i wanted to have that warm glowy prettiness as i lay on the couch this next week. so, if any of my local friends are out and about and want to drop off something...(hint, hint) i won't be up to visiting for a few days, but care packages are always welcome.
emotionally, this surgery has been harder to prepare for than the others. perhaps it's because i have had so much time to anticipate it, maybe it is because for this one, i am choosing it. cancer put this choice on the table, but ultimately, i am choosing this surgery. intellectually, i feel i have chosen the best possible solution given my options. but emotionally? i have been a wreck.
as i have said before, i just don't like the options. for me, i just want what i had. i have mentally accepted that is not my reality. by my heart still grieves a bit.
tonight i fear all the unknowns. will i make through surgery? will the outcome be something i can live with, something i can love? will i get back to feeling confident and beautiful about my breasts?
only time will tell this story. i'll keep sharing, so stay tuned.
p.s. i anticipate feeling woozy but able to come home tomorrow and post a sentence here to say i am alive and well...
Sunday, December 14, 2008
wishing and hoping and working and waiting
has the intensity of this last week left you breathless? if so, you are not alone. the stars are stacked up and opposing each other, it seems. life in my little corner has certainly been an emotional and physical whirlwind.today, here in the notoriously mild-weather northwest, even mother nature fell into step with the general craziness. a snow storm. modest by northeast standards, nearly epic by portland standards! the roads are slick and most are staying inside.
my small dog knows just what to do after a romp in the swirling flakes this morning. snuggle up and take a long winter's nap. here she is, my miss mia. she grounds me and comforts me in ways that no human ever has. we've shared this life for fourteen years now and every night as we settle down to sleep, i am thankful for another day together.
my online sale has gone well this week, another thing i am grateful for today. even as i summon my metal focus to dive into an afternoon of job applications - i feel ok. fear held at bay. positive intention holding the lead.the finish line is so far ahead, i can't see it. perhaps this quest for a job will be a marathon in the end. i hope i am up to the task. and that somehow, my money expands to fill the widening gap. so far, no encouraging signs have come to light. not a call, not a single email to say "yes, please do come meet with us". i know i cannot take it personally, this rejecting silence. i simply must continue to direct my message out to the universe, out to this slim number of appropriate job postings- and wait.
who likes waiting? not me. waiting sucks. but i am getting better at it, after all the practice this year. it seems like there has been a theme to 2008 for me. persevere. just keep on, keeping on. even when it is boring and difficult, even when it seems pointless and painful, especially when my faith wavers and everything looks dark. just move through each day as best i can.
allot of this year has been just surviving.
in 2009, i want more. more joy in each day. more clarity. more consistent good health, prosperity and confidence. i want this for me and for each one of you.
but for today, i just need to stay warm and keep going on the job search. oh, and try not to think about surgery just four days away now...
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