finally, an abundance of answers!

the results of my ALCAT blood test for food intolerance are finally in my hands. i had a two hour meeting with my new natropath doctor yesterday and learned so much. in addition to the list of 86 foods i show a reaction too, i also learned my body is not breaking down and processing proteins very well.

today is the beginning of a new approach to eating and digesting.

i'm now taking a supplement to increase the stomach acids to break down those proteins. for the next months, i will strictly avoid the foods on my list that show reactions. i am sure this will take new creative cooking efforts, as many of the foods i depend on are those that i am actually intolerant to!

of the 86 forbidden foods, 23 are staples in my diet: banana, cucumber, fennel, garlic, ginger, lime, soybean, spinach, tomato, basil, blueberry, celery, chicken, cinnamon, coconut, corn, egg white, fig, flax seed, lemon, mushroom, nutmeg, salmon, vanilla.

oh, and all gluten, all dairy. *deep sigh*

no more homemade yogurt, which is what i am mourning as i write this post at breakfast time. however, i now recall that every time i have gone off dairy (and i don't eat much, just homemade yogurt, sheep's milk romano and some goat cheese) i have lost weight. with so many health issues to address, i know it is worth it to make these changes. i need to finally, after 4 years, heal my chronic inflammation problems in my arms and heel. i don't ever want to re-visit the vertigo and arthritis pain in my back from the last few months. and then there is the general intestinal distress i've dealt with for, let's see...oh, about 25 years.

and cancer. i certainly don't ever want to see his face again. cancer is directly tied to inflammation in the body. anything i can do to bring down inflammation will benefit every cell i have.

i was pretty deflated yesterday after meeting the doctor, but this morning i am feeling up to the task of overhauling my food plan.

some good news in my results include favorite staple foods that i have no adverse reaction to at all: chocolate, cabbage, sardines, quinoa, olive, almonds, sesame, lentils, onion, swiss chard...and since chicken is out, i will turn to the approved meats...turkey, lamb, beef, plus a large variety of fish and seafood is ok. I don't eat much meat and when i do it's always organic, pasture-raised. which is expensive and that factor naturally limits my intake.

the loss i feel most keenly is coconut, lemons, egg white & dairy. but i will survive and i am sure, start eating other foods that are just as yummy. after a month, i can re-introduce a food from the mild reactive list, like coconut, and see how i do. so there is hope that some of my favorites might come back in rotation in a few months. i am guessing the dairy is gone for good, however.

i will have to find someone to eat my beautiful tomatoes on the plants i have been lovingly growing for months on my little patio...i guess i will just have to enjoy them visually!

i also learned from the results of my colonoscopy & endoscopy that i don't have any gluten damage in my intestines, which means my year off gluten has healed the system. i'm very happy to know my body's natural healing process is working.

i start my graduate program fall classes next week, so life is about to get pretty busy. but i will be updating the blog with my progress on this new eating protocol, so stay tuned for what i hope will be all good news!

getting closer every day

it has been a packed few weeks since my last post here. i don't yet have the answers i seek, but i do feel incredibly encouraged and more certain than i have ever been that i will get those answers. my quest to figure out where this crazy back pain/arthritis and the vertigo is coming from has been a long and twisty road with plenty of nay-sayers along the way.

i hope to be set free with the answers that are coming on august 31st, when i get the results of the blood test i did for intolerance to 200 foods and 10 environmental chemicals. my worst case scenario would be results that showed high reaction to chocolate, cabbage, coconut, almonds & chlorine. but i am determined to be healthy, so even if i give up all my favorites and swimming...well, i believe it will be worth it to be healthy.

i found a natropath doc here that specializes in just the path of inquiry i have been on. intestinal disturbance, food allergies, arthritis and the links between them. when i found her, it seemed like all the stars in the universe finally aligned to help me on my quest. she doesn't think i am crazy! i can hardly believe she is also in my new insurance network, so follow-up visits will cost me less than $10. she also gave me her professional price on the big blood test, so i saved several hundred dollars, which feels like nothing short of a miracle!

in other health news: the colonoscopy went well, although biopsy results won't be in until this monday. yesterday i went into the operating room for what i hope will be the last time in this lifetime. my plastic surgeon did some revision on my breasts where they had not healed well and the scars had stretched and weakened. right away i can see the difference and it is very positive! i am sore and stiff today, but i know this will pass and soon i'll be able to swim and be active again.

they did most of the procedure with just local anesthetic, but to take the edge off, i also had some of the stuff that killed michael jackson. it's meant for small doses given in hospitals during surgery, you know.

*sigh* such a sad case...

this month of august has been full, very task-oriented and focused on getting ready to be a full time student, with minimal distractions. i set my office/study room in order with new files, desktop and shelves. mountains of papers have been sorted, filed, recycled and shredded. i am filled with a quiet joy, seeing the office take shape into an organized space. one of the most satisfying projects was taking my whole CD collection (most of which were in boxes) and removing them from the bulky jewel cases and presto! they all fit in one zipped-up 3-ring binder. i really wish i'd done that years ago.

there is my theme for august: getting it done. oh, and having fun. more on that later.

answers, i need answers

hello again, my friends. for the past few weeks, i have been completely and happily absorbed in graduate school. the program is exciting, intense and just what the doctor ordered. it has been wonderful to focus on ideas and fill my brain up with all that new knowledge, instead of concentrating on my health 24/7.

how boring. it has been a boring stretch of months, thinking about my health so intently. this summer, it was great to change the channel and tune into something altogether new.

now i am on summer break and the health stuff is back on the front page again. *sigh*

i do feel much closer to figuring out my medical mystery. like sherlock holmes with no watson to assist me, i have been looking & thinking, researching & taking notes...turning over every rock to find my answers. this past week, the vertigo returned. oh shit. this time, it again showed up with back pain. thankfully, i have the motion sickness medicine from that trip to the ER in march. i take it when the room is spinning as i wake in the morning and it makes me so sleepy, am ready for a nap at noon.

i remain convinced that a slow-reaction food allergy or intolerance is at the root of all these mysterious symptoms. finding a doctor that doesn't think i am crazy has proved difficult. my secret fear is that i am crazy and i will never find an answer.

it is stressful knowing at any time, for no apparent reason, i can have a spell of vertigo, or intense back pain. it is very debilitating! what if this happens when i am in school?

on my own, i am getting blood drawn at a lab here and sending it to a well-respected testing facility. the test is called the ALCAT and i'll be tested for delayed reactions to 200 foods. i need answers and even though this test is expensive, i think having answers (even if i learn i can't eat some of my favorite foods) will be comforting. at this point i feel like i can deal with anything except mystery.

i'm also having a colonoscopy next monday, so maybe the tissue samples from my digestive system will also provide some answers.

maybe, just maybe, if i spend just one more month on the health stuff, i can figure it out and move on. i really want and need to move on. i have so much energy to give when i am not wrapped up in my health and medical issues.

manifesting answers. let it be so.

yes to all of it

last fall i saw an astrologer and she told me that come summer, my whole routine structure would be blown away and something new would replace it. lo and behold, it is happening, my life is changing. radically. on june 8, i became a graduate student, an experience i have jumped into with both feet.

my head and heart came along as well. things are blowing away, old dead ideas being replaced with exciting growth. i feel like everything is buzzing, like a busy hive of information in my brain.

the shifts are flowing through all parts of my life. for instance, once my financial aid check came, any remaining desire i had to continue my production line of jewelry dissipated immediately. i was only doing it for income, there was no love left. i adore making pretty things and creating one-of-kind art. but for this artist, with repetition comes despair. i am so relieved to put all that to the side.

i attended an all day orientation meeting at the college last week. our dean gave a very inspiring welcome speech to the group entering the school counseling program. one thing he said has really stuck with me - that by beginning this program, we are entering a period of our lives committed to intellectual and personal growth.

personal growth. i had been thinking of this going back to school thing as first, a means to an end (to get a job I love) and second, as a process of expanding my knowledge. sure, i assumed that intellectual growth is built in to a graduate school experience. but personal growth? when the dean spoke, that philosophy impressed me and inspired me. and already, after just one course, i am finding the material challenging and feel myself stretching, expanding...growing.

this is so exciting. i feel that i am exactly where i need to be. the right time in my life, the right academic path and the right institution.

i love that this program is on the cutting edge of preparing school counselors to be agents of change, real leaders in the schools. i love the focus on social justice and diversity. i am so excited to be pushed and already find biases being exposed as my brain goes click-click-click and my heart swells up a bit more.

i have been talking about my longing to get back to spiritual development for a while now. without realizing it, i seem to have chosen a program and a career path that is perfectly lined up with that desire.

a bright burning star is gone

my friend died yesterday, she was only 43. her name is lenea and we have been friends for 27 years. in high school we were inseparable in junior and senior years. neither of us fit in very well in our suburban high school, we didn't think like the rest of our peers. both eldest children, we bitched about our siblings and compared notes on all the ways our parents failed us. lenea had a smile that made your heart melt. we shopped together, went out drinking with fake ID cards and dressed up for halloween. we shared a very strong bond even after high school ended, in fact, she felt abandoned when i left for a year in europe after graduation. by the time i returned, she had moved to the east coast for college. we've had our ups and downs, like every relationship, especially one between two strong-willed opinionated women. uppity women, one could say - in our younger years.

time and distance never changed the love between us. even if we hadn't spoken in months, we could call each other and pick up a conversation right where we left it last time. our friendship brought great comfort to us both over the years.

yet, as i hung up the phone today after receiving the news from her husband, i was flooded with guilt and shame for all the ways i failed her as a friend when she got sick. the emails i left unanswered because i was too busy. i should have sent cards and care packages from the first news of her illness. she should never have to had wondered for a second if i cared for her.

three years ago, i didn't know what it was like to face a serious health issue.

then i got cancer, and a friend i cared about deeply and depended on dropped out of my life completely. i was puzzled, then hurt. hurt turned to bitterness and then later, to acceptance and some kind of forgiveness finally came. i saw that we are all struggling on some level and those struggles can get in the way of being present to others. even, or maybe especially, those we care about the most. being present for a dear one being sick takes courage because it brings to light our own frailty, our own vulnerability to disease.

if she can get cancer, so can i. maybe if i don't engage with the illness, it won't be real.

it took my friend lenea to show me how to get to acceptance. after i seemed to disappear from her life when she got sick (did i know how serious it was? i don't think so. i remember i thought, she is married, she has lots of friends there to support her, she doesn't really need me. months flew by in the blur. the blur of work and worry over the everyday. petty worries. while lenea's life, her fight for life, was 3,000 miles away. i didn't know she was fighting for life, but i should have asked) lenea went through all those stages. her feeling were really hurt and she tried to put me out of her heart, to save her energy for healing. she finally got well enough to write me and express her forgiveness. she missed me and wanted to re-connect, even after i hurt her feelings.

here is a portion of an email from 2 years after she got sick where lenea explains what she has:
"Scleroderma is an autoimmune disease that affects the skin, organs and muscles. It is similar to lupus, however in this case, the body views each component as foreign and wages war. The disease manifests itself in the form of inflammation and subsequent development of scar tissue. When the process affects organs such as the heart and lungs, the development of scar tissue results in a loss of organ flexibility (i.e. loss of function). My lungs were saved and now have approximately 50% capacity and my heart is impaired. All of this means that I can participate in limited exercise and have a modified life style. I am also supposed to restrict the amount of red meat and salt intake. Eventually it may become necessary for me to consider a heart / lung transplant. I am undecided about whether that is something I want to pursue. I believe that in this life there are stars that burn long and stars that burn bright. I would like to think that my star is a bright burner."

today i am humbled and grieved. her heart stopped and my oldest friend is gone from this earth. lenea's last email to me was so cheerful, she reported her health improving steadily and she was thrilled at my acceptance into graduate school. she always, always believed in me and wished the very best for me. it often grieved her to see me struggle in life.

i think of the little things that cause hurt feelings and wedge between friends. there are people i should call. i have too often let friendships lapse and drift away for no reason at all. no good reason, anyway. fear of rejection, a resistance to emotional confrontation, an tendency to be self-absorbed when i am broke or ill.

close friendships are one of the foundations of good health and long life. i've never had a particularly easy time making close friends and today i finally get the truth: i need to keep the friends i have.

nurturing friendships is simply the most important work of being human. what are we, indeed what am i, without my connection to other people?

thank-you, all my friends who read this blog for your kindness, your patience with me and the gift of your love.

today i feel profoundly unworthy and deeply grateful.

living my story

as you may have noticed, i have not been blogging. sometimes i have this reaction to blogging, that i should just get over myself and stop blathering on about this or that health problem. i wonder if people still read my story, now that it's not all drama and trauma.

i guess the biggest thing keeping me from blogging is just life. i have been living my story more and telling it less. which is a good sign of healing, i believe.

on june 8, i start my first graduate school class and i'm so excited. i have been making some jewelry, as a few orders have trickled in...just the right amount, actually. my patio garden has been occupying many happy hours, both in the planning and in execution. also, my part time job has been more like full time this past month, so i've been very busy doing leasing here at the apartment complex i manage.

perhaps the best thing going on is exercise. i committed to a minimum of 3 days a week in water exercise class and i have been sticking to it. only at the end of this last week did i begin to enjoy it. losing a few pounds has encouraged me and i have discovered that going off sugar makes me feel fully sane, happy and clear-headed.

life in my body is getting better. i feel very hopeful about the future with this body.

even so, i do still have a medical mystery to solve. yes, i have spent dozens of hours researching weird arthritis symptoms and food allergies, to name just a few. when i last wrote, it seemed my mystery was solved. however, after the MRI results came back, my specialist wasn't so certain about the AS diagnosis. so he is sending me on to the gastroenterology department and i am sending myself to an allergist for testing.

personally, my gut tells me this: it's the food.

food allergies create symptoms all over the map. symptoms that mirror my list quite clearly. so i am keeping a food journal, writing down every little morsel i consume, how my body feels and how i feel emotionally. i am only 1 week into that journal process and it's already illuminating.

we will see where this search for answers takes me, my dear readers. perhaps this blog will turn into one about these new issues and discoveries. i sure as hell don't want to be the high-maintenance girl that can't go out and eat because she is allergic to x, y, z, and 40 other things. however, i would do anything (heaven help me, even give up chocolate) to avoid the pain i experienced in march.

that's it, folks. all the news that is, here in my casa. what is new with you?

the sign says "go this way"

ankylosing spondylitis. that is the verdict from my new specialist, dr. deodhar at OHSU. last monday i met with him and with a few minutes of examining me, listening to my symptoms and reading my family medical history, he said what i have is a classical presentation of ankylosing spondylitis.

so what does this mean for me? first of all, dr. deodhar said i must lose weight and begin to swim or do water exercise at least 4 days a week. i must have regular cardio exercise with zero to low-impact on my joints. yoga is also recommended, although i will begin with a focus on the water exercise for now. slow and steady wins the race...if i needed further motivation to get my butt in gear, well now i have it in the form of a prescription!

i guess it's good news on some level. it is good to have an answer and a direction of treatment to pursue. i still don't know what sparked the attack of acute, intense back pain and vertigo of march, but i do feel they are related. my diagnosis of AS is revealing, but not the full answer on some levels. i hope to gain the answer to that mystery at my next appointment. my x-rays came back without showing degenerative damage in my lower back vertebrae and pelvis, so that is also good news. i seem to have caught it early enough to (hopefully) prevent degeneration.

after all, i want the next 50 years of my life to be active, healthy and full of adventure!

since my last post, i have been bustling around in the studio with orders and busy gardening on my patio. i have a small rose garden that after years of neglect, is finally getting tended, weeded and mulched. i fought a brutal battle with aphids (3,000 ladybugs lost their lives) and have emerged victorious. today, tomato and basil plants are going into pots. a small bed of multi-color sunflowers are being seeded. i have dreams of turning this little patio into a fruitful kitchen garden.

this year, it is an experiment. yet, hopefully will be able to enjoy cut flowers and fresh veggies from right outside my back door in a couple of months.

spring is in full swing. summer is coming, even through the rain, i can see that sunshine on the other side. and i am excited to enjoy summer, my summer of new things.

on june 8, my first graduate school class begins. i am nervous and excited. the summer classes are offered as intensives, so i will have one class everyday 8-5 for a solid week, then it's done. whew! what a way to begin the program. i am taking full time credits this summer, but only actually in class for about four weeks.

so there will be plenty of time to dig into my gardening projects and other summer pleasures. i would like to go blueberry picking and make pickles. and i will be clocking in some hours each week at the ymca, of course.

what does summer hold in store for you this year?

finding my beautiful again

it is a gorgeous sunny day here in portland, so i will keep this post short. my afternoon plans involve beginning to plant my container garden on my new patio. tiny victory garden, here i come!

a positive frame of mind has continued through this week and grown, in fact. spring does wonders for the spirit, although last year at this time i was not tuned into the season change. that post-radiation period is a blur in my memory. thank goodness i am a year past all that and moving into wonderful, life-affirming new things!

the photo above was taken on our family trip to mexico at the beginning of april. my sister meghan (right) and sister-in-law, heather (center) and i had all picked up these fun dresses as souvenirs. that evening marks the first time i have felt beautiful in a long time...since before the cancer, before november of 2007.

since that special night, in the tropical magic with my family all around, i have been reflecting on just what made the change. what elements came together to turn the tide in my self-esteem around the way i look. or really, the way i feel about how i look.

i came to some encouraging conclusions:

• wearing contacts all week instead of my glasses and putting on a bit of make-up was a factor. a bigger factor than i realized, all these months i haven't worn contacts because of the cost. this piece of insight is encouraging because it's easy to fix.
• being relaxed and letting go of worry gives a girl a glow. yes, i was on a great vacation, but that doesn't mean i have to be back into worry-mode here at home. in fact, now that i know my financial aid starts coming in june, i am feeling all the big worries slide away. knowing i am on a really good career path for me takes so much worry out of life.
  
• having my wonderful family all around, feeling so loved and getting tons of hugs from the kids was so sustaining. being connected to people you love also brings a beautiful glow. well, back here in portland, i am still 3,000 miles away from my family. but i can connect more with friends i love here.
• not being in pain is a great beauty treatment! the combination of rest, exercise, warmth, good company and excellent tequila made for a nearly pain-free week. it seems like at least some of those things can be reproduced here at home. i'm going to try, anyway! (one bottle of amazing tequila came home with me...to be sipped and savored...even just smelling it transports me to a happy place)
  

back home, i am feeling better than i have in many months. i have a new potion for clearing up my acne working wonders, i'm spending a little time actually trying to look good everyday. this is new and i realize now i have been trying to be invisible for such a long time, i forgot what tools i even used to look bright and attractive!

little encouragements mean alot. something that i write here on my list might seem of small consequence to most. yet we all have those things that either boost our confidence or serve to erode it, bit by bit. the unsightly tattoo marker that was put on between my breasts for radiation treatment really bugged me, it meant i couldn't wear low-cut tops. it added to all the angst over my mangled breasts and i have hated the reminder, seeing it everyday since feburary 4, 2008. so i have been getting laser treatments to remove it and finally, after several months, i am seeing great progress. it's quite faint now, nearly gone.

a check-up with my plastic surgeon that did my breast lift & reduction in decemeber went well this past week. the breast is shifting into shape, a rather nice shape. something i couldn't even imagine four months ago! the scars are not as they should be, however. but even there, he had good news. easy-peasy scar revision can improve that gnarly area, with minimal recovery time. in fact, he said the stuck-down, indented scar on the other breast, where my tumors were removed, can also be fixed every easily. i left his office on cloud nine, let me tell you. motivated and inspired to do everything i can to improve myself through exercise and diet because for the first time in 18 months, i can see the possibility that i can get back to feeling good naked.

i look into the future and i see myself feeling better and better and better. sitting here today, i know i am going to get my groove back and find my beautiful, more each day.

facing the sea, feeling loved

friends, there is a real sea change in my life...can you feel it? the wind has shifted, there is a quickening of energy. maybe it's simply spring, but i don't think so. i think things are changing, really moving in a positive direction.

perhaps last week - away from reality and into the cosy arms of my family (in a dreamy, tropical setting, no less -cozumel, mexico) has colored my view all rosy-sweet? who cares. it just feels good to feel better than i have felt in months and months and months.

the light in the end of the tunnel is shining bright.

grad school is coming. better health is coming. financial aid is coming and that means less worries. less worry mean more energy! more energy for learning and growing. more energy for nurturing friendships.

last week i faced a big fear. i swam in the ocean. a sparkling, warm, turquoise ocean with my family all around me. i would love to say that it was magical and snorkeling was easy and i saw lots of amazing things under the water. but that isn't how the story really goes. we swam out a long ways from the shore to reach the reef. i didn't realize it was a yellow flag day and the waves were bigger than i could handle. the long swim exhausted me, even with the help of my sweet nephew, holding my elbow to guide me to the last raft before the final swim to the reef.

goodness, what ever was i thinking? i tried to go from zero to sixty and conquer a huge fear in one morning!

i did finally make it to the reef and for just a minute, with my brother holding my hand, i snorkeled with my face in the water and saw a bit of coral, a couple of striped fish. i wanted to see the fields of sea fans on that reef, but i didn't make it that far. panic set in and even with my flotation vest, i was overcome. once you get water in your eyes and swallow a bit of salt water, it is hard to re-group. my sister-in-law stayed with me for a while, as i tried to get back on that reef and carry on. pretty quickly, i realized i just could not do it. my sister was also full of sea water and ready to go back to shore. together, we slowly made our way back.

when i think of the experience now, i remember the panic, but more so, i remember how loved and protected i felt with my family, even my young nieces and nephew were looking out for me. (they are all confident swimmers). my other sister had taken her little boy (way too small for those waves) back to shore earlier and sent a marine park staffer on a jet-ski out to rescue me.

i did something very brave (for me), i swam in the ocean, put my face and ears under the water. i didn't accomplish all i set out to do or see, but i got a powerful look at just how held i really am. it was very touching to have my 12-year-old nieces and nephew tell me how proud they were of me for trying.

a few days later, i did get to see hundreds of fish. the experience wasn't flashy or particularly brave, but my sweet 9-year-old niece and i had a marvelous time looking at the schools of tropical fish right under the dock at our resort. big silver ones with blue stripes, tiny yellow ones with black stripes, like bumblebees...it was shallow enough to stand on the sandy bottom and just by putting our masks in the water, we could be close to all those colorful fish and feel perfectly safe. some of the time we held hands and the fish swam all around us, inches from our bodies.

that hour was one of the best in my whole life.

later, we looked up the kinds of fish we had seen and laughed over lunch. sharing the experience with her made it wonderful. the whole week was a lush soak in quality time with the people i love most. how lucky i was to get to take a special trip with them and how blessed i feel to have a family i want to spend that kind of time with. we belly-laughed often and were perfectly relaxed all week.

does facing a big fear bring a sea change in life? i can't be sure, but i know it can't hurt. i do feel more free and more calm since that day in the ocean. i sense my confidence shift. i've been living with fear stuck close to my side for too long. i feel like i want to face other things i fear with an equal tossing of caution to the wind...

...swim out into other uncharted waters and feel a loving hand on my elbow, guiding me.

miracles, big & small

somehow, the entire month of march slipped by me. in pain or sick for most of it, i feel like i got nothing accomplished. so i am very glad to start a new month. my health seems to be steadily improving and after a couple of head adjustments with a skilled physical therapist, the rocks in my inner ear feel like they are back in place. no more feeling dizzy and heaven help me, no more trips to the emergency room!

march hasn't been all gloom, however. there have been a couple of decidedly brilliant spots. my interview day at lewis & clark felt just right at the beginning of the month. then just last week, my acceptance letter to the graduate program arrived.

and like magic, some jewelry sales have floated in without rhyme or reason. i guess abundance doesn't need a reason, it just is. the day the letter arrived, something shifted. suddenly, there was movement and last week delivered a wonderful flurry of orders. it was as if the universe was giving me a sign, a sign that somehow, the money part will all work out.

today, more good news.

for reasons i cannot begin to understand, my health insurance company that manages the COBRA plan has agreed to extend my coverage for an extra month, so i will have continuous coverage until my new plan through the college starts. i asked, expecting a immediate no, as insurance companies are not widely known to be in the business of compassion. for the past two weeks, they have been considering it and today, i heard officially that my request will be granted.

it is a miracle, all of it. just in the nick of time, i have swerved my speeding boat away from the rock. there will be no deadly collision, i am safe.

i am safe. relief hardly even begins to cover what i am feeling.

now to get my body to accept what my brain knows is true. i am going to be ok, i am being held and taken care of, once again. i can unclench my jaw and relax my neck. somehow, the answers i seek on the health front will appear as well. thank-you for all your caring and prayers through this time of worry, i appreciate you faithful friends so much.

i realized a couple of days ago that last thursday, that very terrible, long day i spent at the emergency room was my one year anniversary of completing radiation treatment. i am one year beyond cancer. many people begin to call themselves survivors at this point, but i don't like the term. i think perhaps i don't have to label myself at all. it is simple, really. cancer is in the past. i went through a cancer experience and now i am ready to focus my energy on other things.

this blog is a testimony of what an incredible teacher cancer has been for me. my dear readers, you all know what i have learned and how much change my life has seen. i would not wish this particular teacher on anyone and i hope i never have to meet him again in this lifetime. but if cancer does come knocking on your door, know this: you can prepare for battle and fight him like an enemy, or you can accept him as a teacher and sit down to listen.

honestly, i guess there is also a third option, which is to view him as a robber, come to steal your health, peace of mind and your best energy. there is no perfect way to handle cancer. i have experienced it as all three, enemy, teacher, robber...and i still have days where i look at the marks left on my body by cancer and feel robbed. but that gets me nowhere.

the only way to relate to having cancer that has brought me any shred of peace is as my teacher.