turnip

beauty and the brain

2010-10-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

As much as I am absorbed in graduate school, my exciting thesis research and a wonderful internship experience, I miss my life lived in Spanish. The life I lived for one precious month in Puebla, Mexico last summer. It's only been two months since my return and the season in Portland has just now fully changed into fall. But that time seems far away and long ago...

Was it a dream?

It feels dreamy, that much is certain. And I've been pondering why I miss it so very much. Not just the pace and texture of my days in Mexico, but the actually learning and speaking Spanish. One of the most magical discoveries was that my brain loves learning Spanish! I had never studied another language, so this came as a surprise. I would never have guessed that I had a flair for language learning, but I guess my fluency and over-sized vocabulary in English is a great asset in learning a second language! Finally, the fruits of all my reading in the classics as a teen has paid off. I certainly didn't progress in the social domain in those years, but I obviously laid down some rich layers of knowledge that is finally being put to use.

But why? Why does it feel so good to learn a new language? Why does it bring such delight?

These are questions I have been turning over in the back of my mind, as I go through my day, listening to music in Spanish on my ipod and teasing out the words I know. Like adjusting the lens of a manual camera, slowly a phrase comes into focus and I realize...oh, wow. I know what that means! It is a endlessly fascinating puzzle. And my brain loves puzzles, it keeps the busy mind occupied and engaged. New cells grow, new pathways are forged and new connections stitched together, one syllable at a time.

I finally figured it out the other day, when I realized there is another part to the story of my happiness in Mexico. I felt extraordinarily beautiful there, in ways I rarely feel here in Portland or anywhere in the US. In Portland, I have felt very invisible, especially the past few years. For most of my life since puberty, I've felt not attractive enough, less than others around me, too chubby to be worthy of notice and absolutely not beautiful. Call me irrational, I know it's silly...but that doesn't make it less true. I've certainly written plenty here on self-image and my struggles with this at different points of my life.

But here is the thing. My busy, heckling brain just is wild and hard to tame. I tell it to shut the hell up and stop speaking so very rudely to me, stop cutting me down and nitpicking. But the negative chatter is endless, a fluid stream of self-abuse with precious little space for breaks. How does one quiet a critical left brain, exactly?

Spanish.

Yes, a puzzle so vast and challenging that there is not one single twitch of energy left for criticizing. During my intensive study, the learning of Spanish and the daily task of living in a new language took over my brain completely. The chatter dropped away and what was left was freedom. Freedom and spaciousness. Call it a month-long meditation in Spanish. For what is meditation than focused mindfulness? And let me tell you, living life in another language, one in which I am not anywhere near fluent? That takes some careful, fully present listening to accomplish. It's mindfulness, all day long.

In that space, my sweet, soft right brain...the intuitive, soulful part of my intelligence finally had a chance to be heard. Not only heard, but believed. I relaxed into my body, I bloomed inside and out. Worry lines disappeared from my face. And everywhere I went in Mexico, I felt beautiful. In fact, I was an exotic beauty there and I felt seen, more than seen...appreciated. People looked, noticed and approved. I began to believe other people's opinion on the subject of beauty might have more merit than my own. After all, my one vote against so many!

Throughout my life, I have invested alot of energy into being smart, often to compensate for perceived deficiencies in my looks. Having people think I am smart has driven me, because early on, I decided I was not pretty enough. In Spanish, I sound like a small child, which probably makes me seem dumb as an adult. After all, I am a beginner in this new language. So before I went to study in Mexico, I decided I would have to let go of my ego attachment to being viewed as smart. To learn well, I would have to allow myself to make mistakes, to try to speak as much as possible and to sound pretty dumb in the process. What was so surprising was once there, I didn't care! Who cares if people think I am dumb, here they see me as beautiful. I spent my life proving I was smart because I felt ugly and suddenly, I was delighted to be thought dumb, but pretty!

I crave Spanish because within a new language, I can escape fully from my self-critical chatter. I have no words to degrade in Spanish...I have no bad habits of thought to fight against. In Spanish, my left brain is busy and happy, my right brain is contented and open.

And I don't worry about beautiful or not beautiful. Good enough or not enough. I just am.

In Spanish, I have a clean slate upon which to write this life-long conversation with myself. A new menu of words with phrases of my choosing. It is a deep, profound fresh start and I never could have predicted this in a million years.

restless heart in the rain

2010-09-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks, persistent clouds and daily raindrops have returned to Portland. Fall seems to be here and for me, it feels much too soon. I had pictured a lovely, golden evening for my birthday last Friday and hosting a cocktail party on my pretty patio in my new apartment. It was not to be, the weather insisted on delivering a cold, wet weekend. It is silly to complain about weather, something I can do nothing to change. Anytime I can catch a bit of sun in my day, it feels like a surprise gift - and like a cat, I want to stop everything, stretch out and soak up the warmth.

It's fair to say I am hungry for sunshine. And I've been restless, so very restless.

After the month in Mexico, it has been a bit of a struggle setting back into my life in Portland since the weather turned and school began again. Yesterday I was reflecting on this and asked myself why? Why is this so hard for me now, when in the past I relished the coming of cool temperatures and rain?

Who was that girl that loved the cloudy skies and the drama of what most people consider "bad weather"?

When I was 19 I went to Europe for a year and ended up, (by design) working in Scotland. I adored the dreary climate, the sky full of clouds, sometimes dynamic, but often like a soft, solid gray blanket. Wearing layers of wool, rain boots and carrying an umbrella made me feel happy and comforted. And even as recently as eight years ago, when I chose to relocate here in the Pacific Northwest, I relished the often gloomy weather. I was attracted to cloudy skies!

That girl, my friends, was depressed. For years of my adult life, I was depressed. Was that true at 19? Maybe, I might have been depressed then. But more likely the whole truth is that I also used to romanticize darkness and struggle and yes, even depression. At 19, I felt sure one couldn't make great art if one was happy. Only Pollyannas were happy. And everyone knows that Pollyannas aren't making great important art, right?

When I get really honest with myself, I can see that even eight years ago, when I moved here, I still held on to some of those childish notions about happiness and the relationship between darkness and creativity, too. Slowly, I have shed those sad skins I carried for so long. Life has surprised me with joy and I've changed into someone who loves living in the light. I'm not afraid of having my dark and messy parts exposed by bright sunshine. I crave it, in fact. I can't ever remember a time I was this happy and even though I am talking about feeling restless, I am also solidly content within myself. This is new, it is extraordinary!

And so I don't find dark days, cloudy skies and wet weather comforting. The gray blanket just feels oppressive now...

I used to need weather that matched my mood. Correction: I still need weather that matches my mood, but the inner climate has changed. I feel sunny on the inside and I crave the support that warm sunshine brings to my spirit. These gray days have me feeling very restless and I am thinking hard about moving south, towards more sun, more warmth...

Could I uproot my life again at this stage? What would it mean to replant myself in warm soil, in a sunny climate? This restless heart wants to find out...

The flood

2010-09-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

What happens when ice melts quickly? A flood of water usually follows a rapid thaw. Imagine a woman with a heart frozen against love. Bitterly disappointed with romance, she had retreated into indifference, independence and yes, even disdain for the messy emotions of falling in love. She kept very busy making a life that was full, too full for another. A home that couldn't possibly welcome another person living there as well. She made half-hearted attempts at dating because she thought she should. She became comfortable with the notion that true love and partnership just isn't in the cards for everyone. She believed that love was not in the cards for her, not in this lifetime. She planned a future centered around work and friends. She said "it's enough".

I've already told you the ice melts, so you know what's coming, don't you?

Yes. In a wildly beautiful place in the tropics, something changed. She softened. There was a long, agonizing moment of sincere hesitation, of weighing the options. Stay as I am, stuck? Or risk...and change my life. She wanted change, she wanted a different perspective on love and life. A lovely opportunity stood before her, beckoning...

It was the last night of the old year. It was a full moon, better yet, a blue moon. There was a sailboat and a sunset. She decided to trust. She said yes. The ice melted, her heart cracked open. It's a new year, a new self. She is content and happy in her body like never before.

Anything and everything feels possible. A seed is planted.

And later, there is a pregnancy that doesn't get far before it fades away on it's own. But before it ends, she looks into her future and is surprised to be delighted to have to change plans, to make space. She wants nothing more than to make space for her lover and a child. Her heart cracks open wide, then wider. There is only a flood of emotion for a while.

Eventually the lover fades away as well, but the space in her life, in her heart remains open. She looks at the world with new eyes. Her intuitive self has grown strong and sure. Her self-critical voice has grown quieter.

Falling in love takes on new meaning: growth, expansion, beauty. The flood shifted the very ground beneath her feet and she now finds herself in a new place.

A very good place...

R & R in my own nest

2010-07-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

After a very long, arduous month of packing and moving (layered on top of full time summer classes -replete with piles of reading, paper writing and the like) I am finally, fully and most of all, happily living in my new home.

That it was an epic struggle to get here should have come as no surprise. Like a limpet wedged into a crack in a rock being pounded by the sea, I was entrenched in my old place, body, soul and possessions. Holy crap, what a massive amount of possessions I own. It's easy to fall into self-disgust and tempting to just make a bonfire to purge the excess. Much harder to actually sort, sift, pack and label.

I took the harder path, dear readers. Everyone says "moving sucks". And so it does. So some folks never budge from their spot on the planet and that's ok. Others, like me, feel the need for change at regular intervals. I was restless and unhappy in my old situation at year three, but being in the middle of cancer treatment and such was a suitable distraction. As year five rolled around, I knew in the back of my mind that something had to break. My trip to Mexico in late December clarified that tension so much that I formulated a plan.

The whole situation was driven by financial issues. Namely, too much debt and too little income for too long. Crawling out of the hole created in my financial picture by the cancer experience has taken time and careful planning.

At this moment, in the sanctuary that is my new home, I am flooded with gratitude.

For the first time in seven years, I am experiencing a sense of total peace and relaxation in my home. I cannot stress enough what a profound shift this is in my life. Even with boxes still to unpack here and there, I have been able to expand and sink down into deep relaxation. My new back porch is a dreamy space, with a view of the mountain and valley below that continually opens my perspective. I can literally see the bigger picture! A beautiful Mayan hammock, brought back from my trip to Tulum, Mexico, many years ago is now hanging on the porch. And even better, I have been spending time enfolded in this hammock - just lounging.

Typically, I have to travel far away from home to find this type of relaxing.

Another key change in my life-style which directly affects my level of happiness or depression took some bold decision making as well. In May, I cut off my cable plan and gave away my TV. Pretty radical stuff for anyone living in US culture! As my spiritual fog began to clear at the start of the year, I remembered that the last period in my life where I felt fully happy, engaged, physically in shape and often found time to make art...was when I got rid of my TV. When I realized this, the choice to get TV out of my life was easy. But just like quitting anything addictive, the first few weeks are jumpy and restless. It took time to settle my anxious energy down in other, more meditative ways. I planned this for a time when I was very busy packing to move and taking classes, which helped tremendously. Now, I don't have any urge to watch. I feel free!

This new chapter seems to have and emerging theme: seeing beyond. Seeing bigger and further, outside the four walls of home and outside the TV box as well. I have been pretty self-absorbed and inner-focused for a long while now. Entering this graduate school program has begun to draw me out into the bigger world again, the world full of people to help and important work to do. Finally leaving my apartment managing job and the living situation attached to it has opened up a door to a place where I am more comfortable being in the world because I have a serene sanctuary to recharge my batteries at the end of each day. With a retreat of my own, I can expand and experience more of the world.

Experiencing this sense of opening is truly beautiful. I've been waking up smiling. I've effortlessly become more social and excited to spend time with others. My friendships are more joyful.

p.s. I'm about to embark on a big adventure next week. A whole month in Puebla, Mexico, studying Spanish in an immersion program. I'll even be doing a home-stay so all my waking hours will be lived in Spanish. It is exciting and something I have dreamed about doing for years. While I am away, I will be blogging on Found Object, so if you are inclined, you can follow my journey.

change: a room with a view

2010-05-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

in my last post i wrote about changes of the heart. today i am here to share changes in the concrete realm. i'm moving house, to be exact! this is really big news, actually. and not simply because it's an exciting, refreshing change of locale, but also because i am quitting my post as a property manager and leaping out into the world focused solely on graduate school. this means giving up a piece of financial security that i have clung to through good times and bad the past 5 1/2 years. i'll be paying rent again and for the next year, living entirely on student loans ~plus whatever bits and pieces of employment come my way in the education field.

i believe strongly that you must sometimes close one door for another to open. i am making space in my life for a different livelihood. and i couldn't be more relieved, it's a heavy weight left behind, leaving the demands of this job. already, i have been getting some work here and there in may as a teaching substitute at the alternative high school where i interned this year.

i am flinging the door wide open for the universe to step in with something new.

so as you can imagine, i'll be spending the month of june moving and settling. at the moment, i am up to my neck in packing, sorting, sifting, tossing, donating...with a bit of hand-wringing thrown in the mix!

geographically, it's not a huge distance i am moving, but the shift in perspective is significant. i found a darling 1910 up-down duplex on the other side of the massive river that splits portland in two. it's a culture shift, moving to the westside...closer to downtown. my new neighborhood is really nice, with similar amenities to my current residence, sans a great grocery store i can walk to in nice weather. but this is a minor price to pay for an adorable apartment bursting with everything on my wish list, plus more!

an amazing view of the whole river valley and mount hood from a large, covered back porch, all my own ~ that tops the list. then there is the original wood floors and high ceilings, charming rooms painted lovely colors. light and space and a gas range! after years of suffering with an electric stove, i am thrilled to have a gas range again. also, half of the basement is mine for storage and i share laundry with only one other person. to many of you, this might not seem like a big deal, but after all these years of going outside, down stairs, in the rain to do laundry on coin machines...this feature has me giddy.

in portland, simply finding an affordable rental that will take a dog is a trial, and on a grad student's budget, i was combing the ads for months before this place popped up. the whole thing came together seamlessly and easily...i feel so blessed.

next week, i will get the keys and as i am in full time summer classes, the move will take place in smallish chunks throughout the month of june. by july first, i will be sitting with a well-deserved cocktail in a pretty glass on my back porch, gazing out at a new vista.

i've never had a room with a view, except on vacation.

when i got home from mexico on january 11, after nearly two weeks spent gazing at a beautiful view, i knew something must change. something had already changed, in fact. i had changed on that trip. i came home knowing, but not quite ready to even say to myself, that it was time to leave my job. my life and workload combining both grad school and apartment managing was not sustainable. and i was newly in touch with the conviction that everything i do needs to be moving me forward. i broke through something at the new year. no more holding patterns. i was ready to abandon safety and take more risks. ready to trust in new ways.

so here i am, stepping out of the financial safety and employment holding pattern. here i am, closing that door behind me, knowing it is exactly the right time to leave. here i am, ready and open for what is next. employment that is sustainable and growth-oriented, not just something holding me in place.

stay tuned for photos of the new place. it's so exciting to be moving into a gorgeous space again. i can't wait to hang my art and arrange my rooms...

alive with change

2010-05-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

oh goodness, here i am again, just when you all have most likely given up hope! it may well be impossible to communicate how absorbing graduate school and life has been, or how each day is full to bursting...

i am sorry for dropping out of your lives for so long. faithful readers of this blog, you deserve better treatment!

so today, i am back in blogging mode, with the head space to write. this conversational style of writing almost feels wrong, after my complete switch to academic writing. and what a large volume of writing it has been this year! and reading, piles and piles of reading and research! i am learning things that make me excited to be alive, inspired to be entering a field with so much potential for growth and change.

i figured out recently that as much as i crave peace and stillness...i love change.

progress. change. pushing limits. these are the things that occupy my thoughts. after what seems like a lifetime of viewing the glass half-empty, i have stepped fully into optimism! what a dramatic shift in thinking and feeling i've experienced in the last nine months or so. reflecting on how and why, i can only conclude that my energy has become centered on helping others - which automatically pulls me out of self-absorption. the difference in my outlook and happiness level is dramatic, to say the least.

you all know how many months i spent all my energy on healing my body and how difficult that journey was on every level. the process demanded self-absorption and this blog is a record of exactly that. i am so grateful for you, dear sweet readers, who took a friendly interest in my story and my struggles. your support held me in just the ways i needed! thank you, a thousand times, thank you!

the story of my past few months is a good one, with bits too juicy to tell the world, frankly. i've had my heart cracked open in the most surprising ways, the best possible ways. i am full of joy and for the first time in many years, i believe in love again. truth be told, my heart has been shut tight against romantic love for a very long while. i had experienced so much hurt and betrayal, i just couldn't see the benefit of a partner. i viewed the glass as half-empty. all i could see was the risk, compromise and sacrifice required to be with someone.

this has all changed. i have been struck with some powerful magic in this area. my heart is wide open. and even though i now have allowed myself to feel the space beside me that i want to be filled by someone very special, somehow even that empty space is ok. it's not always comfortable, but i have realized that i must hold that space open in my heart for anyone to enter my life. in the past, i have viewed that "holding space" thing as caving in to society's expectations, or somehow admitting that i was incomplete, that my life was missing something important.

now, i know that i am complete, but also open to expansion and to the kind of growth, change and balance that a partner can bring. being whole as i am and also wanting to be partnered aren't mutually exclusive states of being. now, i just don't see matters of the heart as black and white. love isn't a equation, easy to understand and explain. in fact, love is full of mystery, it's sometimes messy and words can only make feeble attempts to describe it. but when love enters your life and you're listening, it is clear.

so all i will say on love is that my heart has changed. i'm trusting my heart more these days. i'm listening differently and that is a welcome change...

a tiny update: all is well in my world

2010-02-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

oh, my friends the stories i have to tell you! but no time to write here, grad school and work and closing the jewelry studio has consumed every waking moment. some stories are even so good and spicy, i won't be telling them here, for the world to read. but i know you, my most faithful readers, still want news!! thank-you for asking for news, i am sorry to have neglected this blog for so long.

i am happy. i am well. i am better than good.

more news soon, soon. within the month of february, how about that?

tay gets her groove back and other miracles

2009-11-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

remember when i wrote this post? and this one? i was dazed, confused and anxious. i wanted my body back. i needed answers and i needed hope. four years. four years of chronic inflammation that stopped me in my tracks, literally. i couldn't dance and for a long while, even walk without pain. my arm flared into throbbing pain if i tried to scrub my bathtub. i stopped scrubbing my bathtub.

then cancer. then my breasts, the breasts i loved from the beginning -changed forever. i felt i lost them. i felt i lost my sexiness. i fell into despair with my body.

what i did lose in reality was my confidence, my hard won, healthy self-esteem. i did indeed lose my groove. that ball dropped and rolled away.

i didn't happen overnight, this losing of my confidence, my sense of womanly self that projected desirable, attractive, sexy. it started with pain, pain that clouded my vision. anyone who has ever been in chronic pain knows about how difficult it is to see clearly when that veil comes down.

pain gets between you and your best self. pain pushes the world away. i stopped going out, stopped dating for long periods. i didn't feel like good company. i couldn't see why anyone would want me. i felt broken. i felt ugly. because of my heel pain, i had to wear only sensible shoes, running shoes. i covered my body with layers of loose clothes, always in dark colors.

i didn't want to be seen. i stopped even trying to look attractive most of the time. i think i forget how to take care of that part of me. i mourned for the person i used to be. and even though i didn't show it much on this blog, i was often bitter. often very, very angry.

the beautiful thing i am writing to share today is this story line has completely changed. in the past nine weeks, i have made massive changes to my diet, removing everything that my body reacts to. the results so far are nothing short of a miracle. i had this crazy, scary medical mystery, remember this post?

today, i feel the mystery is solved. i am finally able to heal, really heal!

i am walking around in a different body, one with rapidly decreasing inflammation. a body that bounces back and heals. a body that can wear cute shoes and scrub the bathtub. i am even beginning to believe that in the future, perhaps in the next few months, i will be able to begin to dance and exercise freely again! there are lots of physical signs that my body is healing after all these years. and in the end, the answer was as simple as food.

10 weeks ago, based on the results of my ALCAT test, i removed the allergens. i stopped eating the foods that were making me sick and now, i am healing. common healthy foods like tomatoes and yogurt and blueberries. salmon and coconut and spinach. 83 common foods, in fact! for years, i thought i was feeding my body the healthiest diet possible. yet, i didn't get better. long time readers of this blog know, i had an increase in strange symptoms.

can you believe it, my friends? i have my groove back. i feel alive and sexy in my body. my sparkle is back and people are noticing. i have begun to think i can date again. i am actually beginning to love my body, even these changed and scarred breasts -again.

as little as four months ago, i did not think i would ever be here, feeling as good as i do in this moment.

i have not found the self i lost, for that girl is gone. but i have found a new self, a wiser self. and i approach my life with so much gratitude these days. six months ago i thought to just have work that is meaningful and that i love would be enough. i didn't beleive i would ever really get my groove back. but i kept pushing for an answer. the food allergy testing was my last idea to try, my last hope of figuring it all out.

such a radical diet change requires daily commitment to my well-being. i cannot get lazy or busy and forget to nurture myself. those days of going blindly through life are really and truly over. they are part of the girl i lost, the part that needed to go.

i will leave you with just this. solving this piece has opened the doors to so much that is new and wonderful and exciting. i feel like anything is possible now. my body and i are friends again and together, we are making the most of every day.

looking through a new lens

2009-10-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

as i approach the 2-year mark on my cancer diagnosis, i realize the complete absorption in everything related to my health is being replaced with concerns outside of me. slowly, the rest of the world is returning to focus. i really welcome this shift in attention. lately, i have had entire days when i don't think about cancer, my health or the past.

research, writing and reflection on what i am learning in grad school has my mind plenty full. what a relief!

this transition from being self-centered to other-centered isn't easy, particularly graceful or smooth, however. my social skills, specifically my listening skills, atrophied in the past couple of years. i am often feeling awkward these days, as i relearn how to relate, connect and feel comfortable out in the world again. i constantly feel the pull between my impulse to share my thoughts and the realization that i learn more listening.

shut your mouth, i tell myself. my head is busy with self-editing these days. i am trying to keep my self-judgment honest, but soft. i know beating myself up after a conversation isn't productive.

i feel incredibly blessed in my graduate program. the nature of our studies puts a focus on developing listening skills, with ample opportunity to practice. it's like going back to therapy, but this time, as the person listening, not the person talking. this blog is a good place to do the talking and processing i still need for growth, actually. and i am so thankful that there are a few of you out there in cyberspace that want to listen in on my journey.

i keep feeling amazed at my good fortune to have found this career path at just the right time in my life.

a little tidbit from my reading this week: did you know the human brain keeps on growing throughout your whole life? every time you learn something new, a new connection is made in the brain, it actually physically changes. finding opportunities as adults to challenge our brains to learn new things takes effort and commitment, if you aren't in graduate school. but the rewards are real.

next, i tackle learning Spanish. now that i know my brain is up to the task, i am excited. what are you excited about these days? i'd love to hear from you all.

this is what i came for

2009-09-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

consumed. what does it mean to be consumed by love, by work or perhaps by work you love? for for now and for the next 22 months i am consumed by graduate school. that's the general outline, but the details of the story are more interesting, rich with ideas and sprinkled with gems.

really, i am consumed by learning -in the best way, like how with a new love you want to spend every second together.

yes, i am busy, with a plate fuller than it's been in some time. reading, research, writing, learning, teaching. i don't select the items on the plate for the most part, i accepted the invitation to this banquet after all. in times past, this dictated order and structure might have had me chaffing and restless.

everything feels different in my life now. i am happy, contented even. how novel!

education, equity, social justice, motivation theory...it all is so fascinating that i find i am engaged fully, every waking moment. it all feels right, walking this path, earning this particular degree and entering this field. what i have learned in the first three weeks of school is that the field of school counseling is both wide and open. it's current model is a significant departure from the guidance counselor model we all grew up with, it is called transformative school counseling. the model is less than a decade old and there is much growth ahead. over the course of my career, i could choose to contribute on many levels, from hands-on in the schools to research and writing, all the way to advocacy on a national level.

already, i am in love with the research. oh, and the students. the students!

i started one of my placements this week, the year-long teaching practicum i am doing at an alternative high school. it is an amazing program that welcomed me with open arms, excited to have extra help. i am working with two humanities teachers, so i get the opportunity to observe different teaching styles. the students all have overcome huge personal obstacles and were not successful in traditional high school. these are the youth that have been thrown away by schools, society and often their own parents. yet they come to this program with a commitment to make a new life and a future they are proud to direct. hearing their stories this week renewed my deeply held belief that anything is possible. it is so easy to feel hopeless these days, with the economy, the health care crises and all the negative spin around us. but when i spend time with the raw power of the human spirit and see the hunger these young adults have to make a life, a good life -then it's hard to feel anything but awed, humbled, amazed, inspired, grateful.

this is what i came for.

to be witness to transformation. (and occasionally a guide.) to sit at the crossroads with young people and support moving their life in a positive, new direction. you can smell the fear in the room, but you can also feel a strong swelling of hope and purpose, as they are discovering strength, finding confidence and showing up for themselves.

change, all the way to my cells

2009-09-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

ten days into my radical shift in diet and i have both triumphs and struggles to report. following my ALCAT diet has had wonderful effects on my health already. I've lost five pounds, my energy has increased significantly and i don't have that constant feeling of craving something sweet.

i think my cells are happy. i am not feeding my body anything that is toxic to me specifically, nothing that causes stress to process. since my body isn't preoccupied reacting to food particles it sees as enemies, it can use all of the fuel to create energy for living!

what a radical concept to experience, not just read about as theory.

i am so grateful to my creative nature and my nerdy interest in food & cooking. without that passion, making meals that satisfy out of my list of approved foods would be overwhelming and frustrating. of course, i have those moments of frustration, moments when i feel deprived and stuck. but each day i figure out another piece of the menu puzzle and that part of the journey is an exciting challenge.

how can i feed myself well with all these restrictions?

one way is simply by discovering new foods. foods i haven't eaten in years. a small bowl of bean sprouts is a perfect crunchy snack on a warm afternoon. i ventured out to the countryside with a dear friend and went organic fruit picking, coming home with armloads of juicy blackberries and the most exquisite italian plums. i had so much energy last week, i canned the fruit immediately. one thing led to another and i just kept on canning, also making yummy bread & butter style pickles with zucchini instead of cucumbers. i adapted my grandmother's recipe and they are delicious!

snack foods are the most difficult, as i don't want to rely too much on nuts. today i am making crackers in my dehydrator, subbing almond meal & hemp powder for the flax and hoping for great results. since garlic is out, i am learning what flavors i can achieve with different kinds of onions.

it is hard to describe, but even my connective tissue feels different. perhaps the inflammation is going down and that explains the sense that my muscles and tissues are not "sticky" anymore. frankly, i don't think i even realized how much fatigue and "icky all over" feeling i had in my body until it began to change this past week.

and now for the bad news. *sigh*

i have not been sleeping well at all. starting school has upped my anxiety. my brain suddenly has way too much to hold and it feels like 100 monkeys are tap dancing in there in a mosh pit. changing my entire diet while dealing with some stressful final jewelry orders, starting the term and the general anxiety i always have leading up to my birthday...well, you see the picture. it's not so pretty.

but i know this will pass, everything does. yet in the middle of the night, somehow that is not comforting. sleep feels like a guardian angel that has abandoned her post.

and i am coping as best i can. cooking up a birthday plan for next week that feels like a sweet celebration, but not adding to the stress mess. i am making massive lists to try to get some of that jumble out of my head. i am drinking calming tea and taking supplements, all my tricks are out of the box and in play.

thanks for your continuous support my friends. it's humbling and uplifting.

finally, an abundance of answers!

2009-09-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

the results of my ALCAT blood test for food intolerance are finally in my hands. i had a two hour meeting with my new natropath doctor yesterday and learned so much. in addition to the list of 86 foods i show a reaction too, i also learned my body is not breaking down and processing proteins very well.

today is the beginning of a new approach to eating and digesting.

i'm now taking a supplement to increase the stomach acids to break down those proteins. for the next months, i will strictly avoid the foods on my list that show reactions. i am sure this will take new creative cooking efforts, as many of the foods i depend on are those that i am actually intolerant to!

of the 86 forbidden foods, 23 are staples in my diet: banana, cucumber, fennel, garlic, ginger, lime, soybean, spinach, tomato, basil, blueberry, celery, chicken, cinnamon, coconut, corn, egg white, fig, flax seed, lemon, mushroom, nutmeg, salmon, vanilla.

oh, and all gluten, all dairy. *deep sigh*

no more homemade yogurt, which is what i am mourning as i write this post at breakfast time. however, i now recall that every time i have gone off dairy (and i don't eat much, just homemade yogurt, sheep's milk romano and some goat cheese) i have lost weight. with so many health issues to address, i know it is worth it to make these changes. i need to finally, after 4 years, heal my chronic inflammation problems in my arms and heel. i don't ever want to re-visit the vertigo and arthritis pain in my back from the last few months. and then there is the general intestinal distress i've dealt with for, let's see...oh, about 25 years.

and cancer. i certainly don't ever want to see his face again. cancer is directly tied to inflammation in the body. anything i can do to bring down inflammation will benefit every cell i have.

i was pretty deflated yesterday after meeting the doctor, but this morning i am feeling up to the task of overhauling my food plan.

some good news in my results include favorite staple foods that i have no adverse reaction to at all: chocolate, cabbage, sardines, quinoa, olive, almonds, sesame, lentils, onion, swiss chard...and since chicken is out, i will turn to the approved meats...turkey, lamb, beef, plus a large variety of fish and seafood is ok. I don't eat much meat and when i do it's always organic, pasture-raised. which is expensive and that factor naturally limits my intake.

the loss i feel most keenly is coconut, lemons, egg white & dairy. but i will survive and i am sure, start eating other foods that are just as yummy. after a month, i can re-introduce a food from the mild reactive list, like coconut, and see how i do. so there is hope that some of my favorites might come back in rotation in a few months. i am guessing the dairy is gone for good, however.

i will have to find someone to eat my beautiful tomatoes on the plants i have been lovingly growing for months on my little patio...i guess i will just have to enjoy them visually!

i also learned from the results of my colonoscopy & endoscopy that i don't have any gluten damage in my intestines, which means my year off gluten has healed the system. i'm very happy to know my body's natural healing process is working.

i start my graduate program fall classes next week, so life is about to get pretty busy. but i will be updating the blog with my progress on this new eating protocol, so stay tuned for what i hope will be all good news!

getting closer every day

2009-08-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

it has been a packed few weeks since my last post here. i don't yet have the answers i seek, but i do feel incredibly encouraged and more certain than i have ever been that i will get those answers. my quest to figure out where this crazy back pain/arthritis and the vertigo is coming from has been a long and twisty road with plenty of nay-sayers along the way.

i hope to be set free with the answers that are coming on august 31st, when i get the results of the blood test i did for intolerance to 200 foods and 10 environmental chemicals. my worst case scenario would be results that showed high reaction to chocolate, cabbage, coconut, almonds & chlorine. but i am determined to be healthy, so even if i give up all my favorites and swimming...well, i believe it will be worth it to be healthy.

i found a natropath doc here that specializes in just the path of inquiry i have been on. intestinal disturbance, food allergies, arthritis and the links between them. when i found her, it seemed like all the stars in the universe finally aligned to help me on my quest. she doesn't think i am crazy! i can hardly believe she is also in my new insurance network, so follow-up visits will cost me less than $10. she also gave me her professional price on the big blood test, so i saved several hundred dollars, which feels like nothing short of a miracle!

in other health news: the colonoscopy went well, although biopsy results won't be in until this monday. yesterday i went into the operating room for what i hope will be the last time in this lifetime. my plastic surgeon did some revision on my breasts where they had not healed well and the scars had stretched and weakened. right away i can see the difference and it is very positive! i am sore and stiff today, but i know this will pass and soon i'll be able to swim and be active again.

they did most of the procedure with just local anesthetic, but to take the edge off, i also had some of the stuff that killed michael jackson. it's meant for small doses given in hospitals during surgery, you know.

*sigh* such a sad case...

this month of august has been full, very task-oriented and focused on getting ready to be a full time student, with minimal distractions. i set my office/study room in order with new files, desktop and shelves. mountains of papers have been sorted, filed, recycled and shredded. i am filled with a quiet joy, seeing the office take shape into an organized space. one of the most satisfying projects was taking my whole CD collection (most of which were in boxes) and removing them from the bulky jewel cases and presto! they all fit in one zipped-up 3-ring binder. i really wish i'd done that years ago.

there is my theme for august: getting it done. oh, and having fun. more on that later.

answers, i need answers

2009-08-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

hello again, my friends. for the past few weeks, i have been completely and happily absorbed in graduate school. the program is exciting, intense and just what the doctor ordered. it has been wonderful to focus on ideas and fill my brain up with all that new knowledge, instead of concentrating on my health 24/7.

how boring. it has been a boring stretch of months, thinking about my health so intently. this summer, it was great to change the channel and tune into something altogether new.

now i am on summer break and the health stuff is back on the front page again. *sigh*

i do feel much closer to figuring out my medical mystery. like sherlock holmes with no watson to assist me, i have been looking & thinking, researching & taking notes...turning over every rock to find my answers. this past week, the vertigo returned. oh shit. this time, it again showed up with back pain. thankfully, i have the motion sickness medicine from that trip to the ER in march. i take it when the room is spinning as i wake in the morning and it makes me so sleepy, am ready for a nap at noon.

i remain convinced that a slow-reaction food allergy or intolerance is at the root of all these mysterious symptoms. finding a doctor that doesn't think i am crazy has proved difficult. my secret fear is that i am crazy and i will never find an answer.

it is stressful knowing at any time, for no apparent reason, i can have a spell of vertigo, or intense back pain. it is very debilitating! what if this happens when i am in school?

on my own, i am getting blood drawn at a lab here and sending it to a well-respected testing facility. the test is called the ALCAT and i'll be tested for delayed reactions to 200 foods. i need answers and even though this test is expensive, i think having answers (even if i learn i can't eat some of my favorite foods) will be comforting. at this point i feel like i can deal with anything except mystery.

i'm also having a colonoscopy next monday, so maybe the tissue samples from my digestive system will also provide some answers.

maybe, just maybe, if i spend just one more month on the health stuff, i can figure it out and move on. i really want and need to move on. i have so much energy to give when i am not wrapped up in my health and medical issues.

manifesting answers. let it be so.

yes to all of it

2009-06-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

last fall i saw an astrologer and she told me that come summer, my whole routine structure would be blown away and something new would replace it. lo and behold, it is happening, my life is changing. radically. on june 8, i became a graduate student, an experience i have jumped into with both feet.

my head and heart came along as well. things are blowing away, old dead ideas being replaced with exciting growth. i feel like everything is buzzing, like a busy hive of information in my brain.

the shifts are flowing through all parts of my life. for instance, once my financial aid check came, any remaining desire i had to continue my production line of jewelry dissipated immediately. i was only doing it for income, there was no love left. i adore making pretty things and creating one-of-kind art. but for this artist, with repetition comes despair. i am so relieved to put all that to the side.

i attended an all day orientation meeting at the college last week. our dean gave a very inspiring welcome speech to the group entering the school counseling program. one thing he said has really stuck with me - that by beginning this program, we are entering a period of our lives committed to intellectual and personal growth.

personal growth. i had been thinking of this going back to school thing as first, a means to an end (to get a job I love) and second, as a process of expanding my knowledge. sure, i assumed that intellectual growth is built in to a graduate school experience. but personal growth? when the dean spoke, that philosophy impressed me and inspired me. and already, after just one course, i am finding the material challenging and feel myself stretching, expanding...growing.

this is so exciting. i feel that i am exactly where i need to be. the right time in my life, the right academic path and the right institution.

i love that this program is on the cutting edge of preparing school counselors to be agents of change, real leaders in the schools. i love the focus on social justice and diversity. i am so excited to be pushed and already find biases being exposed as my brain goes click-click-click and my heart swells up a bit more.

i have been talking about my longing to get back to spiritual development for a while now. without realizing it, i seem to have chosen a program and a career path that is perfectly lined up with that desire.

a bright burning star is gone

2009-05-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

my friend died yesterday, she was only 43. her name is lenea and we have been friends for 27 years. in high school we were inseparable in junior and senior years. neither of us fit in very well in our suburban high school, we didn't think like the rest of our peers. both eldest children, we bitched about our siblings and compared notes on all the ways our parents failed us. lenea had a smile that made your heart melt. we shopped together, went out drinking with fake ID cards and dressed up for halloween. we shared a very strong bond even after high school ended, in fact, she felt abandoned when i left for a year in europe after graduation. by the time i returned, she had moved to the east coast for college. we've had our ups and downs, like every relationship, especially one between two strong-willed opinionated women. uppity women, one could say - in our younger years.

time and distance never changed the love between us. even if we hadn't spoken in months, we could call each other and pick up a conversation right where we left it last time. our friendship brought great comfort to us both over the years.

yet, as i hung up the phone today after receiving the news from her husband, i was flooded with guilt and shame for all the ways i failed her as a friend when she got sick. the emails i left unanswered because i was too busy. i should have sent cards and care packages from the first news of her illness. she should never have to had wondered for a second if i cared for her.

three years ago, i didn't know what it was like to face a serious health issue.

then i got cancer, and a friend i cared about deeply and depended on dropped out of my life completely. i was puzzled, then hurt. hurt turned to bitterness and then later, to acceptance and some kind of forgiveness finally came. i saw that we are all struggling on some level and those struggles can get in the way of being present to others. even, or maybe especially, those we care about the most. being present for a dear one being sick takes courage because it brings to light our own frailty, our own vulnerability to disease.

if she can get cancer, so can i. maybe if i don't engage with the illness, it won't be real.

it took my friend lenea to show me how to get to acceptance. after i seemed to disappear from her life when she got sick (did i know how serious it was? i don't think so. i remember i thought, she is married, she has lots of friends there to support her, she doesn't really need me. months flew by in the blur. the blur of work and worry over the everyday. petty worries. while lenea's life, her fight for life, was 3,000 miles away. i didn't know she was fighting for life, but i should have asked) lenea went through all those stages. her feeling were really hurt and she tried to put me out of her heart, to save her energy for healing. she finally got well enough to write me and express her forgiveness. she missed me and wanted to re-connect, even after i hurt her feelings.

here is a portion of an email from 2 years after she got sick where lenea explains what she has:
"Scleroderma is an autoimmune disease that affects the skin, organs and muscles. It is similar to lupus, however in this case, the body views each component as foreign and wages war. The disease manifests itself in the form of inflammation and subsequent development of scar tissue. When the process affects organs such as the heart and lungs, the development of scar tissue results in a loss of organ flexibility (i.e. loss of function). My lungs were saved and now have approximately 50% capacity and my heart is impaired. All of this means that I can participate in limited exercise and have a modified life style. I am also supposed to restrict the amount of red meat and salt intake. Eventually it may become necessary for me to consider a heart / lung transplant. I am undecided about whether that is something I want to pursue. I believe that in this life there are stars that burn long and stars that burn bright. I would like to think that my star is a bright burner."

today i am humbled and grieved. her heart stopped and my oldest friend is gone from this earth. lenea's last email to me was so cheerful, she reported her health improving steadily and she was thrilled at my acceptance into graduate school. she always, always believed in me and wished the very best for me. it often grieved her to see me struggle in life.

i think of the little things that cause hurt feelings and wedge between friends. there are people i should call. i have too often let friendships lapse and drift away for no reason at all. no good reason, anyway. fear of rejection, a resistance to emotional confrontation, an tendency to be self-absorbed when i am broke or ill.

close friendships are one of the foundations of good health and long life. i've never had a particularly easy time making close friends and today i finally get the truth: i need to keep the friends i have.

nurturing friendships is simply the most important work of being human. what are we, indeed what am i, without my connection to other people?

thank-you, all my friends who read this blog for your kindness, your patience with me and the gift of your love.

today i feel profoundly unworthy and deeply grateful.

living my story

2009-05-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

as you may have noticed, i have not been blogging. sometimes i have this reaction to blogging, that i should just get over myself and stop blathering on about this or that health problem. i wonder if people still read my story, now that it's not all drama and trauma.

i guess the biggest thing keeping me from blogging is just life. i have been living my story more and telling it less. which is a good sign of healing, i believe.

on june 8, i start my first graduate school class and i'm so excited. i have been making some jewelry, as a few orders have trickled in...just the right amount, actually. my patio garden has been occupying many happy hours, both in the planning and in execution. also, my part time job has been more like full time this past month, so i've been very busy doing leasing here at the apartment complex i manage.

perhaps the best thing going on is exercise. i committed to a minimum of 3 days a week in water exercise class and i have been sticking to it. only at the end of this last week did i begin to enjoy it. losing a few pounds has encouraged me and i have discovered that going off sugar makes me feel fully sane, happy and clear-headed.

life in my body is getting better. i feel very hopeful about the future with this body.

even so, i do still have a medical mystery to solve. yes, i have spent dozens of hours researching weird arthritis symptoms and food allergies, to name just a few. when i last wrote, it seemed my mystery was solved. however, after the MRI results came back, my specialist wasn't so certain about the AS diagnosis. so he is sending me on to the gastroenterology department and i am sending myself to an allergist for testing.

personally, my gut tells me this: it's the food.

food allergies create symptoms all over the map. symptoms that mirror my list quite clearly. so i am keeping a food journal, writing down every little morsel i consume, how my body feels and how i feel emotionally. i am only 1 week into that journal process and it's already illuminating.

we will see where this search for answers takes me, my dear readers. perhaps this blog will turn into one about these new issues and discoveries. i sure as hell don't want to be the high-maintenance girl that can't go out and eat because she is allergic to x, y, z, and 40 other things. however, i would do anything (heaven help me, even give up chocolate) to avoid the pain i experienced in march.

that's it, folks. all the news that is, here in my casa. what is new with you?

the sign says "go this way"

2009-05-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

ankylosing spondylitis. that is the verdict from my new specialist, dr. deodhar at OHSU. last monday i met with him and with a few minutes of examining me, listening to my symptoms and reading my family medical history, he said what i have is a classical presentation of ankylosing spondylitis.

so what does this mean for me? first of all, dr. deodhar said i must lose weight and begin to swim or do water exercise at least 4 days a week. i must have regular cardio exercise with zero to low-impact on my joints. yoga is also recommended, although i will begin with a focus on the water exercise for now. slow and steady wins the race...if i needed further motivation to get my butt in gear, well now i have it in the form of a prescription!

i guess it's good news on some level. it is good to have an answer and a direction of treatment to pursue. i still don't know what sparked the attack of acute, intense back pain and vertigo of march, but i do feel they are related. my diagnosis of AS is revealing, but not the full answer on some levels. i hope to gain the answer to that mystery at my next appointment. my x-rays came back without showing degenerative damage in my lower back vertebrae and pelvis, so that is also good news. i seem to have caught it early enough to (hopefully) prevent degeneration.

after all, i want the next 50 years of my life to be active, healthy and full of adventure!

since my last post, i have been bustling around in the studio with orders and busy gardening on my patio. i have a small rose garden that after years of neglect, is finally getting tended, weeded and mulched. i fought a brutal battle with aphids (3,000 ladybugs lost their lives) and have emerged victorious. today, tomato and basil plants are going into pots. a small bed of multi-color sunflowers are being seeded. i have dreams of turning this little patio into a fruitful kitchen garden.

this year, it is an experiment. yet, hopefully will be able to enjoy cut flowers and fresh veggies from right outside my back door in a couple of months.

spring is in full swing. summer is coming, even through the rain, i can see that sunshine on the other side. and i am excited to enjoy summer, my summer of new things.

on june 8, my first graduate school class begins. i am nervous and excited. the summer classes are offered as intensives, so i will have one class everyday 8-5 for a solid week, then it's done. whew! what a way to begin the program. i am taking full time credits this summer, but only actually in class for about four weeks.

so there will be plenty of time to dig into my gardening projects and other summer pleasures. i would like to go blueberry picking and make pickles. and i will be clocking in some hours each week at the ymca, of course.

what does summer hold in store for you this year?

finding my beautiful again

2009-04-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

it is a gorgeous sunny day here in portland, so i will keep this post short. my afternoon plans involve beginning to plant my container garden on my new patio. tiny victory garden, here i come!

a positive frame of mind has continued through this week and grown, in fact. spring does wonders for the spirit, although last year at this time i was not tuned into the season change. that post-radiation period is a blur in my memory. thank goodness i am a year past all that and moving into wonderful, life-affirming new things!

the photo above was taken on our family trip to mexico at the beginning of april. my sister meghan (right) and sister-in-law, heather (center) and i had all picked up these fun dresses as souvenirs. that evening marks the first time i have felt beautiful in a long time...since before the cancer, before november of 2007.

since that special night, in the tropical magic with my family all around, i have been reflecting on just what made the change. what elements came together to turn the tide in my self-esteem around the way i look. or really, the way i feel about how i look.

i came to some encouraging conclusions:

wearing contacts all week instead of my glasses and putting on a bit of make-up was a factor. a bigger factor than i realized, all these months i haven't worn contacts because of the cost. this piece of insight is encouraging because it's easy to fix.
being relaxed and letting go of worry gives a girl a glow. yes, i was on a great vacation, but that doesn't mean i have to be back into worry-mode here at home. in fact, now that i know my financial aid starts coming in june, i am feeling all the big worries slide away. knowing i am on a really good career path for me takes so much worry out of life.
having my wonderful family all around, feeling so loved and getting tons of hugs from the kids was so sustaining. being connected to people you love also brings a beautiful glow. well, back here in portland, i am still 3,000 miles away from my family. but i can connect more with friends i love here.
not being in pain is a great beauty treatment! the combination of rest, exercise, warmth, good company and excellent tequila made for a nearly pain-free week. it seems like at least some of those things can be reproduced here at home. i'm going to try, anyway! (one bottle of amazing tequila came home with me...to be sipped and savored...even just smelling it transports me to a happy place)

back home, i am feeling better than i have in many months. i have a new potion for clearing up my acne working wonders, i'm spending a little time actually trying to look good everyday. this is new and i realize now i have been trying to be invisible for such a long time, i forgot what tools i even used to look bright and attractive!

little encouragements mean alot. something that i write here on my list might seem of small consequence to most. yet we all have those things that either boost our confidence or serve to erode it, bit by bit. the unsightly tattoo marker that was put on between my breasts for radiation treatment really bugged me, it meant i couldn't wear low-cut tops. it added to all the angst over my mangled breasts and i have hated the reminder, seeing it everyday since feburary 4, 2008. so i have been getting laser treatments to remove it and finally, after several months, i am seeing great progress. it's quite faint now, nearly gone.

a check-up with my plastic surgeon that did my breast lift & reduction in decemeber went well this past week. the breast is shifting into shape, a rather nice shape. something i couldn't even imagine four months ago! the scars are not as they should be, however. but even there, he had good news. easy-peasy scar revision can improve that gnarly area, with minimal recovery time. in fact, he said the stuck-down, indented scar on the other breast, where my tumors were removed, can also be fixed every easily. i left his office on cloud nine, let me tell you. motivated and inspired to do everything i can to improve myself through exercise and diet because for the first time in 18 months, i can see the possibility that i can get back to feeling good naked.

i look into the future and i see myself feeling better and better and better. sitting here today, i know i am going to get my groove back and find my beautiful, more each day.

facing the sea, feeling loved

2009-04-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

friends, there is a real sea change in my life...can you feel it? the wind has shifted, there is a quickening of energy. maybe it's simply spring, but i don't think so. i think things are changing, really moving in a positive direction.

perhaps last week - away from reality and into the cosy arms of my family (in a dreamy, tropical setting, no less -cozumel, mexico) has colored my view all rosy-sweet? who cares. it just feels good to feel better than i have felt in months and months and months.

the light in the end of the tunnel is shining bright.

grad school is coming. better health is coming. financial aid is coming and that means less worries. less worry mean more energy! more energy for learning and growing. more energy for nurturing friendships.

last week i faced a big fear. i swam in the ocean. a sparkling, warm, turquoise ocean with my family all around me. i would love to say that it was magical and snorkeling was easy and i saw lots of amazing things under the water. but that isn't how the story really goes. we swam out a long ways from the shore to reach the reef. i didn't realize it was a yellow flag day and the waves were bigger than i could handle. the long swim exhausted me, even with the help of my sweet nephew, holding my elbow to guide me to the last raft before the final swim to the reef.

goodness, what ever was i thinking? i tried to go from zero to sixty and conquer a huge fear in one morning!

i did finally make it to the reef and for just a minute, with my brother holding my hand, i snorkeled with my face in the water and saw a bit of coral, a couple of striped fish. i wanted to see the fields of sea fans on that reef, but i didn't make it that far. panic set in and even with my flotation vest, i was overcome. once you get water in your eyes and swallow a bit of salt water, it is hard to re-group. my sister-in-law stayed with me for a while, as i tried to get back on that reef and carry on. pretty quickly, i realized i just could not do it. my sister was also full of sea water and ready to go back to shore. together, we slowly made our way back.

when i think of the experience now, i remember the panic, but more so, i remember how loved and protected i felt with my family, even my young nieces and nephew were looking out for me. (they are all confident swimmers). my other sister had taken her little boy (way too small for those waves) back to shore earlier and sent a marine park staffer on a jet-ski out to rescue me.

i did something very brave (for me), i swam in the ocean, put my face and ears under the water. i didn't accomplish all i set out to do or see, but i got a powerful look at just how held i really am. it was very touching to have my 12-year-old nieces and nephew tell me how proud they were of me for trying.

a few days later, i did get to see hundreds of fish. the experience wasn't flashy or particularly brave, but my sweet 9-year-old niece and i had a marvelous time looking at the schools of tropical fish right under the dock at our resort. big silver ones with blue stripes, tiny yellow ones with black stripes, like bumblebees...it was shallow enough to stand on the sandy bottom and just by putting our masks in the water, we could be close to all those colorful fish and feel perfectly safe. some of the time we held hands and the fish swam all around us, inches from our bodies.

that hour was one of the best in my whole life.

later, we looked up the kinds of fish we had seen and laughed over lunch. sharing the experience with her made it wonderful. the whole week was a lush soak in quality time with the people i love most. how lucky i was to get to take a special trip with them and how blessed i feel to have a family i want to spend that kind of time with. we belly-laughed often and were perfectly relaxed all week.

does facing a big fear bring a sea change in life? i can't be sure, but i know it can't hurt. i do feel more free and more calm since that day in the ocean. i sense my confidence shift. i've been living with fear stuck close to my side for too long. i feel like i want to face other things i fear with an equal tossing of caution to the wind...

...swim out into other uncharted waters and feel a loving hand on my elbow, guiding me.

miracles, big & small

2009-04-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

somehow, the entire month of march slipped by me. in pain or sick for most of it, i feel like i got nothing accomplished. so i am very glad to start a new month. my health seems to be steadily improving and after a couple of head adjustments with a skilled physical therapist, the rocks in my inner ear feel like they are back in place. no more feeling dizzy and heaven help me, no more trips to the emergency room!

march hasn't been all gloom, however. there have been a couple of decidedly brilliant spots. my interview day at lewis & clark felt just right at the beginning of the month. then just last week, my acceptance letter to the graduate program arrived.

and like magic, some jewelry sales have floated in without rhyme or reason. i guess abundance doesn't need a reason, it just is. the day the letter arrived, something shifted. suddenly, there was movement and last week delivered a wonderful flurry of orders. it was as if the universe was giving me a sign, a sign that somehow, the money part will all work out.

today, more good news.

for reasons i cannot begin to understand, my health insurance company that manages the COBRA plan has agreed to extend my coverage for an extra month, so i will have continuous coverage until my new plan through the college starts. i asked, expecting a immediate no, as insurance companies are not widely known to be in the business of compassion. for the past two weeks, they have been considering it and today, i heard officially that my request will be granted.

it is a miracle, all of it. just in the nick of time, i have swerved my speeding boat away from the rock. there will be no deadly collision, i am safe.

i am safe. relief hardly even begins to cover what i am feeling.

now to get my body to accept what my brain knows is true. i am going to be ok, i am being held and taken care of, once again. i can unclench my jaw and relax my neck. somehow, the answers i seek on the health front will appear as well. thank-you for all your caring and prayers through this time of worry, i appreciate you faithful friends so much.

i realized a couple of days ago that last thursday, that very terrible, long day i spent at the emergency room was my one year anniversary of completing radiation treatment. i am one year beyond cancer. many people begin to call themselves survivors at this point, but i don't like the term. i think perhaps i don't have to label myself at all. it is simple, really. cancer is in the past. i went through a cancer experience and now i am ready to focus my energy on other things.

this blog is a testimony of what an incredible teacher cancer has been for me. my dear readers, you all know what i have learned and how much change my life has seen. i would not wish this particular teacher on anyone and i hope i never have to meet him again in this lifetime. but if cancer does come knocking on your door, know this: you can prepare for battle and fight him like an enemy, or you can accept him as a teacher and sit down to listen.

honestly, i guess there is also a third option, which is to view him as a robber, come to steal your health, peace of mind and your best energy. there is no perfect way to handle cancer. i have experienced it as all three, enemy, teacher, robber...and i still have days where i look at the marks left on my body by cancer and feel robbed. but that gets me nowhere.

the only way to relate to having cancer that has brought me any shred of peace is as my teacher.

v is for victory and vertigo

2009-03-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

have you ever spent 11 hours in the emergency room? an insane experience if ever there was one. last thursday i woke up dizzy, again. i've been dizzy for over 2 weeks, but mildly so and it seemed to be decreasing. boy was i wrong! just getting a glass of water at the sink, the room began to spin violently and i was forced to sit down on the floor. i tried to focus my eyes on one spot, struggling in vain to get the room to stop spinning.

the level of nausea rose dangerously.

you can certainly predict what happened next. oh, it was awful. eight times. worse yet, in my belly was only water and my morning vitamins. afterward, i couldn't stand or do anything useful.

so, i canceled my office hours and crashed back into bed. a while later i woke to a call from my sister in michigan. she listened to my recent story and then read me the riot act. she insisted i go to the emergency room...and make it snappy! obediently, i called a friend and i went. it is not advisable to argue with my sister at such times.

i went, only to sit and sit and then sit some more. i could not read, i was too motion sick. i simply stared at the wall. afternoon slipped into evening and then into night. a kind angel came along and got my house key to go tend to my little dog, who was all alone in the dark and needing to pee. i got very chilled and quite dehydrated, i felt absolutely awful. finally after eight hours, they led me to a room. warm blankets, an iv line inserted, the tv on pbs. i was more comfortable, but things still moved at a snails pace. lovely nurses and even nicer doctors attended me. they did many tests and at long last, after reactivating the severe vertigo and the vomiting, they gave me a definitive diagnosis. you can read the details about BPPV right here.

i finally came home in the middle of the night by taxi and crawled gratefully into my own bed. i now have scripts to prevent the vertigo, and stop the nausea. the next day, i saw my wonderful acupuncturist, who has a background as a PT, working with head trauma patients. she was able to perform a series of head manipulations on me to help heal the problem. i am concentrating on not tipping my head suddenly in any direction. which does make doing my back stretches quite difficult. or anything that requires bending over. thank goodness my legs also know how to squat.

what a crazy thing after a few weeks of crazy things in the health department. is it any wonder i feel a bit crazy?

the fruit of intention is sweet

2009-03-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

rejoice! the letter came yesterday from lewis & clark college and i am thrilled to share that they have accepted me into the graduate school of education, the school counseling program. out of the 115 people that applied, the committee accepted just 35. i am feeling so honored and blessed to be in that select group!

as the news sunk in yesterday, it was if the 20 little monkey hands that have been strangling my stomach slowly let go and floated away. i knew i was deeply stressed and that it has been seriously affecting my well-being, yet the flood of relief was something i actually felt, not just emotionally, but physically.

oh, thank-you universe. thank-you friends for your love and support!

tomorrow i will mail back my confirmation of acceptance and hopefully then be able to quickly get in to meet with my advisor and the financial aid folks. the summer term begins may 11, so in almost a blink of an eye, i will be a student! i am so excited about this chapter, about learning and meeting new people. i am sure it will be a healthy, growing time in my life.

ah, health. my back is much better, not 100%, but better. that is also a relief. however, there is something wrong. i feel in in my bones, my gut, my deep self. i am not out looking for problems, but my body has something as of yet undefined going on. my blood tests were inconclusive, so now i am hoping to get accepted by the top specialist and get to the bottom of things with some x-rays. sadly, the average time it takes a woman to be diagnosed with any of these reactive arthritis disease is 9 years. often, after much damage is done and symptoms are severe & constant. i personally am not going to be satisfied with that. if i do indeed have a degenerative disease then i want to know now, not after serious damage is done!

today i made a list of all my weird symptoms. all the odd things that have plagued me for months or years. when this blinding back pain struck a few weeks ago, i would not have connected it to jaw pain & locking, or life-long intestinal issues, or my heel bone spurs, or even my hair loss. however, now that i have done hours of reading, especially on discussion forums where real live people report what is happening to them...now i see that all this weird stuff may be connected. strange symptoms, some occasional, many chronic for years, that i never even saw a doctor for. or when i did see someone for the severe intestinal problems, they ran some tests and told me what i already knew...that something is wrong. my bowel is irritable. brilliant, i knew that at age 18!

it starts to make you feel crazy. like you are just creating symptoms from stress and all the weird stuff isn't real if no one can name what is wrong. thankfully, my current doctor does not think i am crazy and is willing to look at all the possibilities. i fear, however, that diagnosing something really odd might be beyond the scope of her abilities.

meanwhile, i am just working on taking really good care of myself and doing as much healing as i can with diet, exercise and stress-reducing activities. the ymca has approved me for financial assistance, so i can have a membership to their excellent facilities for only $25 a month.

little by little, i am determined to turn the tide in my body to abundant health. and i am certain that entering a career path that asks me to utilize my brain & heart, over my brawn - that path will be an important part of my healing.

life really is too short for me to burn up my one precious body with simply making a living. thank goodness my brain and compassion seems to be inexhaustible...when i take proper care of myself.

now that is the real work. excellent, consistant self-care.

a little light on a rainy day

2009-03-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

thank-you for your loving comments and encouragement, my friends. i am here to report that after 72 hours of round-the-clock dosing with anti-inflammatories, both herbal and pharmaceutical, i am feeling relief. i am in a very manageable place with pain at the moment, thank heavens.

whoa, now that was a crazy ride!

it is still always worst in the morning and the early morning hours leading up to getting up. then as the day progresses, with movement and change in position, the pain subsides. this pattern is actually one of the primary signs that point to ankylosing spondylitis. the low back and hip pain and tightness i have had for years upon waking (that went away during the day, so i didn't seek treatment) were early warnings.

granted, i do not have a positive diagnosis yet. but of course, i have been doing lots of research and reading this week. and i have to admit, this auto-immune, arthritis thing makes sense, given my medical history. for a long time, i have thought something was wrong, but i couldn't figure it out. my chronic inflammation conditions have lingered and lingered, even with years of treatment and very careful, consistent care on my part. last summer my doctor said it just doesn't make sense...you are doing everything right, yet you are not getting better. at that time, she suggested that a systemic inflammation was going on, perhaps a reaction to gluten. i went 100% gluten-free in september 1st.

our whole immune system starts in the gut. that is why healing with food is so profound and powerful. yet, i have only been doing this for six months. not enough time to heal years of damage to the intestines. i don't know how long that takes, actually. or how to measure when i get 'there'.

many people with ankylosing spondylitis find following a strict no-starch diet works wonders for them. i may have to say good-bye to pizza (even the gluten-free kind) and potatoes forever. considering i have already given up all bread, cakes, cookies -one wouldn't think this is a hardship. yet i find i still need some comfort foods, once in a while. perhaps after a long period of healing, i can have those things in small amounts, occasionally. i have read of people who have managed to get there. so i have some hope.

at the same time, given the thought that this disease works to fuse my bones together and cripple me, giving up a couple of foods seems like, um, well, small potatoes. sorry - i get both bad puns and ankylosing spondylitis from my dad. i would do anything to avoid the pain i experienced the past two weeks.

now we are just waiting for the blood work to come back from the lab with some answers. i hope for real answers, some direction to pursue, something solid enough to get me into the specialist. you know me, i like to solve things. being in limbo is very difficult for most of us. being in limbo with an expiration date on my insurance is making me crazy with stress.

yet it is such a part of life. limbo. did you ever notice how much of our lives we spend waiting? waiting for answers, waiting for change, waiting for different weather, waiting to do this or that very important thing...waiting for life to settle down, waiting for something to save us, waiting to speak up, waiting to let go...

we like action, we hate limbo, yet we wait. sometimes patiently, often with fretting impatience. that would be me, the fretting, obsessing type of impatience. it is something i really don't like about myself, something i seek to meditate away.

and then i remember. in meditation, you just sit with what is. sit with that awful impatience and one breath at a time, try not to judge. allow the parts of myself i view as weak, nasty, just plain bad - to just be.

this is more challenging than giving up pizza, or sticking with exercise. yet i know this is where i must work. my stress level and how i manage it has a huge impact on the emotional life of each cell in my body. i have always held my stress in my gut, so it comes as no surprise there is damage to heal there. i am ready to accept that the lion's share of that healing may need to be spiritual and emotional. i can't afford to slack off on this and waiting is causing me true harm.

and by the way, i have learned that many people with ankylosing spondylitis treat pain with medical marijuana. so my plea in the last post wasn't crazy at all. just like any other herb, you can take it in a tincture. although chocolate truffles sound like a great way to take medicine!

the speedboat and the rock

2009-03-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

i am a boat, speeding towards a rock that will certainly crush my frame. the rock is aways off, but i can see it, i can taste what the impact could be. it's a beautiful sunny day. i look everywhere but at that rock in my path. i am hoping at the last second, i can somehow swerve and avoid the crash.

save myself from the smashing, the pain, the drowning.

even as i feel the wind in my hair and know i am moving quickly towards the rock, each moment is in surreal slow motion. frame by frame, like the slow passing of a movie, projector set on the wrong speed.

my body has shut down for business. the low back is the general manager - she has flipped over the open sign and switched off the lights. in the dark, i lay in pain. last night, white hot pain that made me cry out, flashing into my sacrum, searing through my hips. i stumbled to the kitchen, sobbing, and took something more to kill the pain.

i am thinking, oh please just kill me. i thought my pain from two days ago was a 10, then a new 10 came along and upped the standard. what the hell is going on?

so far, no real answers, but a few solid hints towards the problem.

a new problem. or, more accurately, an old problem i didn't know i had. a problem older than both bouts of cancer. a problem that most likely set the stage and sold the tickets to cancer. the thought my doctor and chiropractor has is this: that i have ankylosing spondylitis, a form of arthritis. it's a auto-immune disease, really. it fuses your bones together and it's whole game is inflammation. my dad has it, has had it for 40 years. so i know that for the most part, i could, like him, beat this with diet and exercise.

yet at this moment i am so sick of being a patient, so weary after now 10 days and nights of pain...it is all just overwhelming.

there is blood work to be done and x-rays, too. a specialist to get on board. all this, when i am racing ever closer to that rock. april 30 is the day my COBRA insurance policy runs out. the policy that has been my lifeline these past 17 months. with it, i have been able to have coverage for a nathurpath doctor, a chiropractor and my acupuncturist, who also does chinese medicine. without it, i have only the option of the state high-risk pool plan. even more money each month that i don't have. my credit card debt mounts and i think if only i can survive this with my credit intact. i feel too tired and too beaten down to start again from scratch. i try to consider what 'plan b' could look like if i am not accepted into grad school and able to subscribe to the school's health insurance. it is very hard to look at that possibility.

when i do, all i see is the rock, getting bigger as i draw closer.

as i sat crying in my doctor's chair yesterday, she talked to me about stress. she said a failure in the back connects emotionally to not feeling supported, to fears about security and foundation. she is right, dear readers. i am scared and obviously, deeply stressed. as much as i try to concentrate on the beautiful blue of the water and the call of the birds flying by, i can't help seeing that rock in the distance. i have not felt so vulnerable on so many levels before. if there is a safety net, i can't seem to see it.

pain has made me so tired and so irrational. financially, i need a miracle. i know this much is true. in this moment, i can not find my way to peace of mind. i can barely find my way through the veil of pain and to the keyboard in front of me.

heaven help me, i can see why people become addicts after accidents. i would take anything, anything to relieve this pain. please send chocolate laced with pot. or whatever else you have.

you probably think i am kidding. i assure you, i am not.

strange and more strange.

2009-03-07T09:57:00.000-08:00

this has been an odd week for the body. it's a tale of struggle and strangeness, of pain and mystery. i began my cleanse on monday, a bright and warm spring day. unlike my last cleanse, this time i was prepared, experienced, confident.

then, things started to fall apart. my body started to host the weirdest symptoms. i still haven't really figured it out and neither has my doctor.

i woke on tuesday morning with severe low back pain and quite dizzy. walking the dog, i nearly fell over. however, i didn't feel sick, exactly. the cleanse protocol i follow allows you to eat plenty of sustenance, it is simply all pureed and from the alkaline list. i was drinking liters of good water and taking all my supplements. on monday, i had done a gentle workout (15 minutes on the exercise bike, 15 minutes gentle yoga and 25 minutes in the dry sauna). i also had a great acupuncture treatment. i should have woken on tuesday feeling like a million super-healthy bucks!

i knew my period was eminent...could that be the wild card? i'd never been dizzy like this before. perhaps i needed more water. i drank more water. i took things easy, took a salt bath, read a book.

by tuesday night, i had moved from just dizzy to intense vertigo whenever i tried to lay down. as you can imagine, this made going to bed quite difficult. when i lay down, ever so gently, the bed began to spin, violently. within minutes, my body was overwhelmed and copious vomiting followed.

now i truly felt terrible.

after an hour of inching down bit by bit to a prone position with the light on, i was able to fall asleep. i was sure a night of rest would restore all to normal.

it was not to be. i visited my doctor and she was puzzled as well. my ears and throat looked fine. perhaps a strange virus had settled in my inner ear and low back? we decided to wait a couple of days and then re-evaluate.

ah, but my interview with the faculty at lewis & clark graduate school was to be friday morning! i found it very hard not to stress out about feeling sick, dizzy and in pain for that very important meeting. i resolved to suck it up with the help of medicine, if needed.

sticking to the cleanse has not been a struggle this week, this first of 3 weeks. the dizzy symptoms have meant i am persistently nauseous, so my appetite has been seriously dampened. drinking smoothies and purred veggie soups has not been a struggle in the slightest. so perhaps there is a silver lining. the worrying part is that i still do not feel well.

the intense vertigo has past, it seems. yet i remain slightly dizzy, a little nauseous and my low back is absolutely killing me. on monday, if it is not improved, i will seek out a chiropractor. perhaps it was never a virus, perhaps i have a pinched nerve.

the week comes to a close, a strange week with some real lows. i have been able to do very little in the way of work and i do have some wedding locket sets to complete. fingers crossed for a healthy start to next week, so i can make up for lost time.

oh, enough about my health already! you probably want to know about the interview, right? dear friends, i went -in a smart outfit and aided by enough medication to keep the back from making me cry out in pain. the process was interesting and unlike anything i have experienced. picture this: a group interview with 25 applicants and 2 faculty members. first, we were given 30 minutes to write an essay, then an hour of going around the table, each person answering a question. then we broke into two groups, i was in a group of 12 applicants with the director of the school counseling program. i really liked the director and i think we connected. in our smaller group, we then went around and answered several more questions. at the end, we had the opportunity to ask questions of the director.

the strange part was feeling as if you are speaking to the whole group (which are in essence, your competition at this point) and telling your story, but the only opinions that matter are the two faculty members present. i feel i did well and for the most part, i felt comfortable and confident. certainly being 42, with years and years of professional experience, management and public speaking -i did have a significant advantage over the applicants in their early 20's.

at this moment, i am filled with relief that the interview is over. i believe i presented myself well, spoke sincerely and made a positive impression. my work is done in this application process. now, we wait for the faculty committee to decide. the director suggested we would have an answer by mail "around the beginning of april". the best part was leaving with even a stronger conviction that this school and this program is a great fit for me. i am so excited about the opportunities for growth, for intellectual stimulus, for building community. and i was thrilled to learn that 100% of their graduates get full time jobs in the field. some even get hired before they finish the program and end up being paid for the second year of internship!

so, i do think this is a perfect 3 weeks to be cleansing. in with the new, out with the old. my highest hopes are hung on getting accepted into this grad school, this program. however, if the fates decide differently, at least i will be healthier (and slimmer -i have already lost 4 lbs) to handle the blow.

at the moment, my deepest desire is for my back to stop hurting. today, i am living in the moment.

spring fling: a cleanse

2009-03-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

well, my dear friends, today i embark on a spring cleanse! it's been 6 months since my last one and my body is telling me now is the time. even though it is not truly warm weather outside yet, the sun has been showing us some love lately. days are getting longer, bit by bit. we have a time change just around the corner and i'm going on a short trip with my family to mexico at the beginning of april.

all signs point to cleanse!

i do feel i have made good progress on healing, both heart and body, since september. i've started in to a more regular exercise routine, my apartment is finally decorated and orderly, and the small collages i have been playing with are filling up my creative cup.

though my body would be happy to drop a few pounds, i know that for sure.

i feel like there is such a delicate balance going on. my foot and heel problems have been better for months. yet those months have been largely sedentary ones. as i have eased into some exercise, the heel seems always on the edge of a horrible flair-up. the simple truth is that carrying extra weight puts pressure on that foot. in fact, being overweight is one of the primary causes of plantar facsitis. i may not be able to melt away the bone spur, but i can lose a few pounds. as difficult as the task may be, it is possible and within my control.

so i am going to follow the same cleanse protocol, the ph miracle for weight loss, by dr. robert young. it worked so well for me before. last night i dashed around to the markets to stock up on all my veggies, almond milks and young coconuts. it will be good to break myself off sugar for a few weeks.

if you want to follow along, or join me, my plan is to follow the liquid feast program, get weekly colon hydro-therapy, participate in gentle exercise every single day, do at least 3 dry saunas a week at the gym and finish up on march 22.

spring is the perfect time to detox your system and start a new healthy habit or two!

happy, happy, joy, joy

2009-02-27T12:58:00.000-08:00

this is just a whisper of a post to let you all know the good news! i have been invited to attend an interview at lewis & clark college, the next step in their graduate school admission application process.

last night, i slept like a baby. *happy sigh*

the group interview is next friday, march 6. keep those fingers crossed, my dears.

jumpy on the inside

2009-02-23T16:37:00.000-08:00

needles and pins. i'm feeling all prickly with anticipation of a very important phone call this week. feburary has flown by in a flash, so by the end of this week i will hear if my application to graduate school has made it to the next round.

early last week, the graduate admissions folks let me know that my packet was deemed complete and had been sent on to the faculty review committee. each day, i wake up and think -today. they are reading my letters of recommendation today. the essay i labored over is being evaluated today.

i can almost hear the buzzing in my head, as part of my brain fixates on these facts 24/7. yet on the outside, i remain calm. i am staying busy in strange ways. projects on the web, research, studying the history of tequila, making collages. organizing my studio and my closets.

oh, and exercise. yes, i have been working out!

i dumped the awful gym where i held a membership (largely unused to my shame) for the past 6 months. and i started dancing on my mini trampoline, with joy, to beyonce. i also joined the Y, which is delightful and also, a very quick drive from my house. ah, the pleasure of having access to a womens only dry sauna again.

the good news i hope for with every fiber of my being is that i will be invited in for an interview with the faculty committee. i really don't know what to expect from that process, except most certainly, more needles and pins! all my hopes are actually pinned on being accepted to the program.

so of course, i am already thinking...whatever will i wear?

what's in a scar?

2009-02-16T14:40:00.000-08:00

my nephew bemoans the fact that scars aren't as dashing as they might have been in an earlier, more romantic era. like, perhaps, the days of sword duels over fair maidens. he has quite an amazing scar from the recent thyroid cancer surgery. although unlike mine, which are hidden, my nephew's scar will tell a story to everyone he meets, whether he wants it to or not.

everyone feels differently about their scars, just as they do their bodies. how i feel is this: i am not loving the scars on my breasts. the old, old one from eight years ago is quite faded and runs along the curve of my areola. no one but me and doctors trained to see such things ever notices it. that one doesn't bother me in the least. but the frown-shaped scar from just one year ago, it floats out in the area above my areola and is impossible to miss. not as tidy and pretty as my first surgery's scar. the ends have softened, but the middle has a dent, a funny stuck place. that bothers me, and it has become even more pronounced with a 15-pound weight loss. i am sure being cut twice in rapid succession contributed to the issues.

i wonder how much worse it will get. or how much more i can accept it. i wonder if i can ever stop seeing it, or start loving it. some people claim to love their scars.

can i?

my most recent scars on the other breast are still red and grumpy looking. i fear for them, i want to protect the area in any way i can. i fret over them. i wonder if i had done more with my scar from last year...would it look better now? i feel as if i gave it my all, with months of massage. but that was after radiation treatment ended. perhaps all bets are off when you zap a tender incision with radiation.

the body can only take so much.

truly, it boggles the mind, what we can heal from. how wonderful and mysterious our systems are. i think the mind is the hardest area to heal, the slowest to bounce back. yet, the mind also shows amazing flexibility. i have seen mine grow and stretch to accept new things. i have also seen my mind hold on to hurts and raw feelings for years.

at this moment, it seems a very long stretch to look upon my scars as beautiful. true, i am obsessing over details. right now, the details really matter to me.

this healing tests my patience. i want it faster, better. i want results. but the body takes its time. the work is steady but slow. although perhaps my cells working 24-hours a day think it is all happening very quickly, that the work is looking splendid!

i stumbled on this collection called the scar project, by photographer david jay. it is both beautiful and humbling.

image by nikki farquharson. thanks to d. sharp for the link.

fretting: worry lite

2009-02-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

lately i've been alternating between fretting and being calm & happy. well, those two states with an ample dose of unmotivated frozen-in-place thrown in for good measure.

my energy is increasing, bit by little bit. slowly, sleep is becoming something i can count on. last week i weaned myself off the sleep meds, which was not an easy task. taking my vitamins and supplements every single day has helped in that department. especially the b-vitamins, those babies are critical.

today is seven weeks since the surgery. can you believe that my last bit of scab on the incisions came off only this morning? there is one spot that has been so very slow to heal and in fact has had a bit of a hole for weeks. a few of the so-called dissolved stitches decided to back themselves out of the body. or rather, the body decided to kick them to the curb.

poor body, it's been full-stop busy healing.

i try my best not to fret about it, i really do. but when i lay down to sleep at night, those worry ghosts float in and seem to swallow me. the scar on that part is not looking nice at all. it has widened and raised a bit and seems quite upset, quite red. i may have no choice but to take the expensive route my plastic surgeon suggested if i had any trouble with the scars - to buy these silicone scar-reducing sheets and wear them for 3 months. the only thing holding me back is cost, really. nearly $75! so far, this area is not healing or scarring as well as other places, even from the same surgery.

picture an anchor shape, coming down from the nipple. the problem area is that 't' spot where the long curved incision under the breast meets the vertical one. very tricky place, that.

i will also admit, i have been struggling with diet recently. perhaps that has held up my healing? not eating as healthy as i was prior to surgery, that is for certain. re-introducing just a few starches has put me back into a carb-craving cycle that is hard to break. actually, it's a classic salty-sweet cycle. i have taken to eating raisins with sea salt -a good trick that often works. (really, you should try it - sounds weird but is delicious) oh, and water. i have been getting a gallon a day down consistently, but really i know i need another couple of liters.

so this healthy eating isn't an exact science! not a huge surprise there. i find when i am tired or crabby, i just don't turn to salad for comfort. and i don't fancy cold food at all in the winter, honestly. which my chinese medicine doctor would say is absolutely fine and good. then the raw food alkaline camp will rebut and i'm so overwhelmed with what to eat that i end up eating nothing from breakfast until i am starving at 6pm.

funny how easily one can get thrown off course when a few elements (that taken one at a time might be managed without wavering) come all together in a bunch. let's see...well, in my self-declared 'year without cancer', my nephew and a dear friend are both in the thick of cancer surgery & treatment. cancer seems to be in my life, even though i have banished it from my body. i simply do not want that to be true. i want to relax into life and forget about cancer for a while. a year or two, at least. is that too much to ask?

then my luck with avocados has been total crap for weeks (i depend on them for my breakfast smoothie) and my close-by asian grocery stopped stocking young coconuts (back up plan if avocados are not ripe) and what else? well, i think i just fell out of my good groove a couple of weeks ago and i have been floundering around since.

i am getting things sorted out, however. each day is a fresh start.

living is the most precious thing

2009-02-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

today i am a like a limp rag doll with a stiff neck. the essay, it is finished. in fact, my whole huge application to graduate school is done and turned in. i drove over to lewis & clark on friday late morning. the air was foggy and the graduate school of education was set back into a beautiful mossy forest. i must say, it felt a bit like a mythic quest.

this part of the future is out of my hands now. it will likely be weeks before i hear if i am accepted into the program. so this coming week, i refocus my energies on making jewelry, *ahem*, making a living.

since my job search of the past few months has yielded disappointing results, i am hoping that somehow, the universe will conspire to make my own business thrive until a) school begins, and b)financial aid arrives.

valentine's day is coming after all. and sweethearts need trinkets, do they not?

i can barely stomach the marketing, truth be told. how happy i will be to someday no longer care if people buy or not. to let the sales fall where they may. and to return to my heart, making exquisite one-of-kind objects and to hell with watching my price points!

but truly, these are minor concerns. hardly worth a mention. this past week brought deathly serious concerns that pushed everything else to the side. i didn't really even have the spirit to celebrate getting my application package completed.

back in michigan, my nephew, who is just 21, was very recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer. a very bright kid, he's due to graduate from college with a degree in philosophy this spring. the whole situation has been heartbreaking and even though he and i are not close ( i moved away when he was in his surly teenage years and we saw each other infrequently) it all has been hitting me hard. his mom, my step-sister, is the most wonderful woman. i have always admired her, looked up to her. i think my heart has been breaking for her most of all.

i can only imagine how it would be as a mother to see your child struck with cancer. it has helped me appreciate even more fully how brave my mom has been these past 15 months with me. how difficult to see your child suffer, to be wheeled into surgery.

personally, each time i have been most afraid of not living through the surgery. i have never asked my mom what she was most afraid of, seeing it all happen to her daughter.

last friday was his surgery to remove the thyroid and the cancer. based on a needle biopsy the week before, it was supposed to be just five hours, we all thought. when my family posse arrived in the early morning hours to check him into the hospital, they learned it would be an eight hours surgery.

life gets complicated in the blink of an eye.

eight hours came and went, then ten. i was at ikea when my mom called to say that the cancer was more widespread than predicted and he would be another three or four hours in surgery. driving home from my errands, i couldn't stop crying. the longer it went on, the more afraid i became for his life. finally, after nearly fifteen hours, the surgeons finished and declared that they believed all the cancer was out.

can you believe this? he is being treated at a major cancer center at the university of michigan and his case was the worst thyroid cancer the surgeons had ever seen!

there is treatment ahead, but his prognosis is good. he has a 'u' shaped incision that literally goes from ear to ear. emotionally, our family is all a little wrung out. but my nephew? well, i saw him on the webcam today in his hospital room. smiling, a little hoarse, but much more chipper than one could have imagined.

whew. deep exhale.

seeing clearly and walking forward

2009-01-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

i know i've been quiet this week, my friends. hopefully my last post was one to savor and has kept you satisfied. whatever have i been up to, you ask?

oh, just writing, writing, research and more writing.

i will now officially announce i am applying to graduate school! the application is due by the first of february, so this next week is more writing, editing and then probably more editing. the essay is the hardest part, especially since everything i have read on the subject of grad school entrance essays say it is the only thing i have any control over that will help me stand out from the pack.

if only i knew how big of a pack i had to beat. no, scratch that. knowing the competition would make no difference. a brilliant essay, with my experiences, reasons, goals and highest hopes all mashed in to one single page -must be written.

the financial aid experts assure me that i can indeed borrow enough through federal loans to finance the whole degree. my hope is to begin school full time this summer and then in about two years, graduate and be ready for a much more successful job search.

while in school, i'll keep my part time job managing the apartments where i live, it is a great gig. and i will do a little jewelry on the side. and from now until june? i hope and pray that with all my intentions lined up, that the universe will conspire to deliver enough jewelry sales to see me through.

the school i've chosen is lewis and clark college. the degree is a master of education in school counseling. all signs point in this direction. i have cleared the mist and focused my intention.

my target is in sight.

ok, back to writing.

loving what is

2009-01-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

my body: this elastic, changing container. today marks one month since my surgery and i see healing, i see hope.

the past 14 months i have spent many hours in despair, only able to see my body in terms of broken, sick, weak, damaged, ugly. yet something has shifted the past month, a significant shift towards the positive.

my squishy belly has always been an area that i reviled. i grew up in an era that instructed girls at puberty to "suck in your tummy". i learned to feel shame for my soft, rounded belly. actress bo derek's taunt bikini belly in the movie "10" was the standard. mine was symbolic of failure. my belly showed the world how i lost my battle with food, over and over. in middle school, i binged secretly on girl scout cookies. by the end of high school, i ate almost nothing and dropped 40 pounds, to my parent's delight.

as an adult, i've enjoyed long periods of peace with my body, but also times of great struggle and strife. this relationship between me and my body has rarely been an easy one.

as breast cancer has marked me with scars, i have had to come to terms with the loss of esteem for that part of my body i always loved: my breasts. i see them now and i am glad to have them, even bearing the history of this last year so vividly. one month out from my last surgery, they look quite the matching pair, when i am dressed. naked, there is still much healing to be done. but i can see now, how the next several months will show steady improvement. already, the shape is becoming more natural.

yet even though i spend far more time dressed than i do naked, it is the naked me i most want to love.

during one extraordinary time of peace with my body, i worked as an artist's model. for a few hours every week, i was nude for a group of painters. to them, i wasn't skinny, i wasn't fat, i was just beautiful. a subject with lovely coloring and interesting shapes. i have never felt so celebrated as i did then. i originally began nude modeling to push myself, i wanted to be more comfortable in my skin. i wanted to love my body, to see it though another lens. the experience was a great success. that group of painters did more for my body image than any lover i've ever had. (which is a sad comment on my choice of lovers, i realize.)

so here i am now, looking through my own lens, trying to see what is good. looking for beauty and hope. seeing my body as something i am lucky to have. the smaller breasts look better on my frame than i imagined in those tense months leading up to the surgery.

strangely, i look slimmer. one friend said i look like i lost 20 pounds. no, i said, less than a pound. but my proportions have changed in a way that to my eyes, looks dramatic. and good.

the soft belly is unchanged and i have decided to treasure it. that particular curve is exactly what would be needed if i ever had to build two new breasts in the future. if breast cancer comes back, i am ready. my two back up b-cups are growing right here - my belly. if i had a double mastectomy, then skilled plastic surgeons can actually use my own belly tissue to create breasts.

now, i am looking on my belly with affection. it just might come in handy someday. i find that deeply comforting, to know that should disaster strike again, i am prepared.

these shifts in perception have helped me adjust my goals and expectations. i no longer feel driven to achieve a particular weight. if i feel good, i will look good. and my healthy eating, my maintaining of a balanced ph in my body - that is better cancer prevention than any "perfect" body mass index score.

as my foot has improved so much this past fall, and with the final surgery safely behind me, i can now begin exercise again. gentle and slow to start. yesterday, i bounced softly on my trampoline, dancing to inspiring music.

a start, just 10 minutes. but a start.

sleep is the best medicine

2009-01-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

thank-you so much for your encouraging comments on my last post. i really was feeling so awful last week. things started turning around over the weekend, when i started sleeping again. after one good night, i was much brighter in spirit. by nights two and three, my body was feeling more like someplace i wanted to live.

a huge factor in my awful week was simple hormones. how much they run our bodies! the normal swelling and breast tenderness of pms last week was a first class ten-fold wammy on my healing chest. as these things do, the whole thing crested and then passed in a few days.

you all know i am a huge fan of herbs and such. but sometimes, nothing works better than the big old heavy hammer of medicine from the pharmacy. the wonderful physician's assistant at my naturpath's office writes the prescription for any meds and her inspired combo worked like a charm. you see, she herself had a double mastectomy last summer. she nodded knowingly when she saw my stricken face and heard my story of pain, chest muscles tight in spasm. thank heavens for muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories.

thank heavens for women who have walked this road before me.

a few lifestyle adjustments have gone a long way as well. turn the tv off at 9pm. don't look at a single thing on paper or online about jobs or money or anything heavy after dinner. clock out from those things i know stress me out, for at least 4 hours before snuggling into bed.

so, i am sleeping again. it feels amazingly good.

i also had a very reassuring visit with my plastic surgeon today. he was able to explain the science, (and shed a little light on the magic) of the healing before me in the next few months. he asked me to have faith in him and this process, which i admit, does not come easily. nothing personal to him, he is a wonderful doctor. i just don't trust easily.

so my healing is progressing just as it should. all is well, he says. i simply must accept that as truth and today, i do feel good. i see the progress and i feel sane enough, rested enough, to trust that i am exactly where i am supposed to be. healing on schedule.

as if the body can be on a schedule!

another piece of excellent news -the pathology and the tissue they removed came back as clear of any cancer. no irregular cells at all. i didn't have any specific reason to suspect there would be cancer cells lurking about, yet it's always good to get the lab work to support your hopes.

2009: a year without cancer in this body. i pray for 42 more years cancer free, but i will start with just one.

please, can someone get that cloud to stop following me?

2009-01-08T10:08:00.000-08:00

today marks three week since my surgery. i wish i could say i am doing amazing and feeling better everyday. truth is, this week has been the hardest yet. i hesitate to report because it all sounds like a whiny child.

the worst is not sleeping well.

do you know sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture? it is a method that would be very effective on me. last saturday night was the last night i slept reasonably well, through the whole night. i am a teary, overwhelmed wreck.

good heavens, what has changed?

perhaps it is just this stage of healing, i am off the pain meds completely. when i lay down a night, my breast is very uncomfortable and dark thoughts sweep over me. sleeping meds were helping with that scenario. this week, modern medicine failed me, all my alternative therapies and herbs haven't worked...i am just sinking.

but more likely, the cause of my sleepless nights is stress. sleep meds don't seem to override severe stress. i think i went to bed sunday night looking at monday morning as the beginning of something. beginning of my first week back to work after surgery. beginning my job search in earnest, again. beginning the graduate school application process. filing federal financial aid forms for said potential grad school. all heavy stuff, all the money worries i banished to the back of my mind have come forward this week.

pile on top of that a new studio-mate moving in next monday, one intense family conflict, having to re-file my application for financial assistance from the hospital, and my vacancy list at the apartment complex i manage suddenly growing to nine empty by the end of the month...

no wonder my stomach is in knots, everything i eat makes me feel worse and i can't sleep.

not so good for healing up this stitched up breast of mine. although the glue has finally come off and the bruising and swelling is down significantly, so thankfully it is looking less gruesome. the shape is still kinda crazy, but size-wise, it is looking like a much closer match to the other, than it did a couple of weeks ago. thank goodness something is improving or i think i would just break into a million little pieces.

can you tell i am feeling pretty fragile right now?

i feel too tired and foggy to face reality, especially harsh reality. i write a to-do list and it makes me feel worse. i see a job listed on-line i should apply for and my head hurts so much i can't gather the energy to tackle another re-write of my cover letter and resume.

thank heavens i have this blog to pour it all out on. for those of you tuned in today, thank-you for listening. it is so good to know you are out there, especially when i feel so crappy.

new year, still here.

2009-01-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

the first day of 2009 finds me where i often am: sitting at my desk, connected to the world through the magic of the internet, with my little dog curled up at my feet. it's not such a bad place to be, but i also know there is more outside my door. most of 2008 saw me in hiding. hunkered down, working on healing and hesitant to leave the house, especially for social events.

i have been hiding in my clothes, too. dark layers to cover up breasts out of whack and a body i've felt was much too chubby. i have wanted to be invisible. i have learned how easy it is to become invisible.

sigh.

so, a new year, a new me? well, the breasts are on their way to being attractive again. i am hopeful that with such time-consuming healing behind me, i can reclaim that energy for exercise. i am hopeful that i can find joy again in movement and fitness.

i don't want to spend this new year looking back with longing at what i was before cancer. i am committing myself to creating and supporting my healthiest new me, after cancer. i know i have work to do on my body-image. it is work i've done before, so at least i know what tool box to open.

in the past week, i have looked at a number of photo galleries online, where women who have had breast reconstruction of different kinds share their process, step-by-step. it's not easy to even view the pictures, many are gruesome and make me feel all wiggly in my tummy. the positive is that i have now seen what others look like, going through similar surgeries. and mine isn't the worst. it's not the best either, but i am glad to report that it looks better everyday.

the surface bruising is healing rapidly, thanks to my dedication to arnica and vitamin c, i think.

my whole breast is still very sore and tender, but it is improving, steadily. the doctor says that in another 3 weeks, the swelling will be significantly down and things will begin to soften up. the tight vertical incision that connects nipple to the crease under the breast will take many months to become soft and stretch to accept the natural weight and drape of the tissue.

i am also hopeful that i will be so busy with a new job that those 6-8 months will fly by and before i know it, things in the cleavage area will be looking beautiful. i am certainly ready now (mentally, that is) to toss off these shapeless sport bras and put on something flattering. sitting here today, i have no idea what size i am or when i can shop for some new underthings. i simply know that i have not a single bra that matches my new size!

ah, the job search. nothing, nada, nope. not a single response to my many applications for jobs in the past two months. my tired brain leaps for answers. why? i am qualified. i am diligently looking and applying. can what i have to offer rise above the economic crises and the over-stocked portland talent pool? i am beginning to wonder if i am crazy to remain positive and hopeful about finding a job.

i have a few more job postings to apply for today. perhaps the universe just wanted me to get past surgery and into a bright new year? maybe i am just supposed to pursue grad school now? just in case, i am applying for financial aid, to see if it is possible for me to just go to school full time.

oh, i never wanted a crystal ball as much as i do right now!

but that isn't how it works, is it? we must all just go through each day, one day at a time. life takes as long as it takes. the truly difficult challenge is to stay present to each day. the urge to skip ahead and see the future and the tug backwards, processing the past - there is our real work. to just be with what is. i'd love to say i'm there. or here, as the case may be.

i guess the important thing to realize is i am still here, trying. aware of my challenges. working on self-compassion and being present. working on getting out of my head and into my heart. thankful for my health. trying to share my light with others and lift them up.

i saw sandra bernhard on tv last night, when she was asked about her new year's resolutions and her answer really resonates with me. sandra said "i don't do resolutions once a year at new years, it's an everyday thing. every day i try to turn the beat around."i think that fits. in each moment of awareness, i will try to turn the beat around.

happy new year, my friends. thank-you for your faithful support and love. i need you more than you could ever know. may your 2009 be blessed with prosperity, abundant good health and regular reminders of just how very much you are loved.

magic and the monster

2008-12-26T12:36:00.000-08:00

the breast, the breast. it is all about the breast. like tending a sick child, nothing else takes priority. i am a good patient and follow all the doctors' orders. and i am a good mother to this wounded breast. soothing balms and healing potions are applied on schedule, ice packs employed on a regular rotation.

i am doing anything and everything i can to assist and speed healing.

there would appear to be no real rush, as the world has shut down in the northwest. between the holiday and the epic snow storm, nothing is moving. i am stuck inside and not happy about it, i'll admit. but perhaps nature is pushing me into inactivity to help with the healing.

my breast looks shockingly, horribly messed up. my first thoughts were so dark, my heart sank when i saw it. did i make an awful mistake? i know my surgeon said it wouldn't look gorgeous for a few months, but this? my breast looks like a monster. dark and colorful with bruises, a crazy series of long incisions, coupled with a shape that is in no way a match to the other. a sad, beat-up monster, one you would take home wrapped in a blanket and nurse back to health.

i wish the surgeon had warned me exactly how bad it would look. i always do better with the facts and don't fare well with surprises of this nature. i didn't expect to feel more disfigured after surgery. but i guess that was silly. i worried about taking care of so many incisions. and i was right, it is difficult. i am squeamish and don't like looking at them. but no band aid will cover them and besides, i have become allergic to medical adhesives. the incisions are held together with glue.

i am held together with glue. oh, it's all far too gory for me and it's actually on my body. is this really happening? is this my body?

thank heavens for good drugs. painkillers that float you away when it's too much and sleep aids to help get that deep rest needed for healing. although i will be so happy to be past the point when i need their help.

the breast looks strange, it feels strange, too. it's tight and prickly with pain. nerves healing? who knows.

i have barely even pondered how i feel about being smaller. i am still working so hard to control the swelling to wrap my head around the look of it. my sculptors' brain is turning this puzzle over and over - how what i see now can possibly heal and relax into even a pleasing shape, let alone a shape that matches the other breast.

my sister assures me she has seen the process from start to finish, on reality tv and that every plastic surgery procedure looks like six kinds of hell at first. but that then the lovely results boggle the mind, like magic. she tells me that plastic surgeons are magicians and mine is one of the best. that my procedure is something he does everyday, like me going to the studio and making a ring.

i am trying to trust. trying to feel confident and reassured.

so i focus on what i can do. eat healthy, rest well, stroke on my arnica cream and take my vitamins. every couple of hours, ice the whole area. try not to worry. try not to look at it more than once a day.

suspend my disbelief.

slower than molasses in january. really.

2008-12-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

it is very quiet here. almost too quiet, which is saying something from a girl who loves her silence. my city of portland has nearly shut down, with more snow than the area has seen in over forty years. so outside my door, the world is very white and very quiet, everything laying under that soft blanket of deep snow.

inside my cosy apartment, even more quiet. my mom departed this morning, as a window of opportunity in the storm systems opened, which seems like a christmas miracle made just for her, and all my family anxiously waiting back in michigan.

i miss her already.

i don't mind in the slightest that it's christmas and she's gone back home. i am just sad because i don't know when i will see her again. no plans or budget in place for a visit in the foreseeable future. it' always harder to say goodbye when you can't say "see you in...".

well, five days after surgery, the healing is rolling along, taking just as long as it takes, i guess. i am assisting with all my herbs and potions. my foggy brain has cleared for the most part, my bodily functions are back to normal. which is a great relief. if i had been able to write a few days ago, i literally had nothing to say that wasn't about poop. primarily how completely awful it is to be not able ( three days, four nights) and then overly able (every hour for one day). a completely boring tale of shit, which had i had an ounce of humor left in me, could have been spun into a hilarious story. alas, my sense of humor was in very limited supply.

moaning, however, was in abundance. as was pain and general discomfort.

oh, i have been crabby! my mom is really a saint for tending to such a crabby baby as i, these past few days. thankfully, she finds my biting sarcasm very funny.

i had loads to be thankful for, in fact. i must publicly thank laura, and the z.e.n. (zen elf network) for providing a capable and cheerful driver at 6:30am this morning to drive my mom to the airport. i must say, i feel very well taken care of and loved. i'll take a zen elf over one of santa's guys any day!

even though i could physically drive, i can't get my car out in this snow. also, my little vw beetle is really too low to the ground for our uncleared roads. can you imagine? most of the roads are not even plowed here, after many days. it boggles the mind of this midwest girl to be so stuck with only 12 inches on the ground! the folks who are driving have chains on their tires, something i've never seen even when i lived in vermont the winter they had 18 feet of snow that year.

i guess an epic storm is all relative.

there is much more to share on the state of my breast, but i'll save that for another post. my couch is calling me for a nap and i'm not going to say no today.

thank-you all so much for your comments and emails full of comfort and warmth. you have seen me through so much. i am indeed blessed you keep returning to my story and continue to hold me up, no matter what comes.

home again

2008-12-18T16:11:00.000-08:00

just a quick post to say i am home from the hospital. the surgery went well, i made it out alive! have not looked at the results yet, but i'm like a staggering drunk on these pain meds.

so writing more might be comical, but i'm going to sign off now. sleeping calls.

thanks for the beautiful circle of support. i could feel your good energy all around me last night and today...

the 11th hour

2008-12-17T20:37:00.000-08:00

it is nearly go time for my surgery, dear readers. tomorrow morning i check in at 6am. the surgery is scheduled to be 2 1/2 hours, so if all goes well, i hope we will be back home and dozing on the couch at noon.

the past 36 hours have been rough. the snow and ice covering portland was such a burden on my already overwhelmed preparations list. even though worrying accomplishes nothing, i have been beside myself, with a pounding headache, no appetite and sleep has been hard to come by.

did i mention my heat went out last night? ah, yes. we woke very cold and it didn't get better. the repair crew did not arrive til after 5pm and then spent over an hour seemingly perplexed as to how to fix the problem. i honestly thought i was just going to scream and completely melt down.

finally, the heat was fixed, we ate dinner and watched the weather forecast. finally, some hope on the horizon. the ice storm predicted yesterday for thursday morning seems to have been downgraded to just snow. this surgery is at the branch of the hospital on the riverfront, which is a blessing, considering that the worst of the weather will be in the hills of portland.

i am still nervous about the surgery itself, but at least i am going to bed tonight feeling comfortable with our safe travels to and fro.

i am sorry not to have given you all an update until tonight, i literally have been running around like crazy. i have felt crazy!

but now, with the moment nearly upon me, my mom here (oh, my it is wonderful to have her!) and the apartment warming back up, i think it will be ok. at least most of my to-do list is crossed off! we've grocery shopped enough to last us a week(a task that involved going to literally 5 different stores today), the house is clean and my online sales orders are all shipped out. the sale went quite well, for which i am very thankful. only one thing didn't happen, because i spent so long waiting at home for the repairs to be completed. i wanted candles. not just any candles, but unscented tea lights. you know, the kind in the little tin cups, that fit perfectly in my candle holders- ready and waiting on my new mantle shelf with it's lovely large mirror. i wanted to have that warm glowy prettiness as i lay on the couch this next week. so, if any of my local friends are out and about and want to drop off something...(hint, hint) i won't be up to visiting for a few days, but care packages are always welcome.

emotionally, this surgery has been harder to prepare for than the others. perhaps it's because i have had so much time to anticipate it, maybe it is because for this one, i am choosing it. cancer put this choice on the table, but ultimately, i am choosing this surgery. intellectually, i feel i have chosen the best possible solution given my options. but emotionally? i have been a wreck.

as i have said before, i just don't like the options. for me, i just want what i had. i have mentally accepted that is not my reality. by my heart still grieves a bit.

tonight i fear all the unknowns. will i make through surgery? will the outcome be something i can live with, something i can love? will i get back to feeling confident and beautiful about my breasts?

only time will tell this story. i'll keep sharing, so stay tuned.

p.s. i anticipate feeling woozy but able to come home tomorrow and post a sentence here to say i am alive and well...

wishing and hoping and working and waiting

2008-12-14T12:33:00.000-08:00

has the intensity of this last week left you breathless? if so, you are not alone. the stars are stacked up and opposing each other, it seems. life in my little corner has certainly been an emotional and physical whirlwind.

today, here in the notoriously mild-weather northwest, even mother nature fell into step with the general craziness. a snow storm. modest by northeast standards, nearly epic by portland standards! the roads are slick and most are staying inside.

my small dog knows just what to do after a romp in the swirling flakes this morning. snuggle up and take a long winter's nap. here she is, my miss mia. she grounds me and comforts me in ways that no human ever has. we've shared this life for fourteen years now and every night as we settle down to sleep, i am thankful for another day together.my online sale has gone well this week, another thing i am grateful for today. even as i summon my metal focus to dive into an afternoon of job applications - i feel ok. fear held at bay. positive intention holding the lead.

the finish line is so far ahead, i can't see it. perhaps this quest for a job will be a marathon in the end. i hope i am up to the task. and that somehow, my money expands to fill the widening gap. so far, no encouraging signs have come to light. not a call, not a single email to say "yes, please do come meet with us". i know i cannot take it personally, this rejecting silence. i simply must continue to direct my message out to the universe, out to this slim number of appropriate job postings- and wait.

who likes waiting? not me. waiting sucks. but i am getting better at it, after all the practice this year. it seems like there has been a theme to 2008 for me. persevere. just keep on, keeping on. even when it is boring and difficult, even when it seems pointless and painful, especially when my faith wavers and everything looks dark. just move through each day as best i can.

allot of this year has been just surviving.

in 2009, i want more. more joy in each day. more clarity. more consistent good health, prosperity and confidence. i want this for me and for each one of you.

but for today, i just need to stay warm and keep going on the job search. oh, and try not to think about surgery just four days away now...

only poetry speaks to this day

2008-12-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

blessing the boats, by Lucille Clifton

may the tide
that is entering even now
the lip of your understanding
carry you out
beyond the face of fear
may you kiss
the wind then turn from it
certain that it will
love you back may you
open your eyes to water
water waving forever
and may you in your innocence
sail through this into that

a big day and a small favor

2008-12-08T05:05:00.000-08:00

hello my dear readers! today i launch my first online-only sale, just for one special week, december 8 to 15...both my etsy shop, bread + butter and my own website, Honey & Milk will have glorious deals on all sorts of treasures. financially, times are tough all over, so i thought a little sale would help us both! surely you have some holiday shopping yet to finish?

oh, but perhaps no one on your gift list likes jewelry? (i can just barely imagine it.)

not to worry. my small favor to ask is this: can you, would you, send a quick little email to all your friends, colleagues and family with links to my shops? encourage them to buy handmade gifts, created with love by me in my little studio workshop.i am forever grateful for all your support and encouragement this year and i hesitate to ask for anything more...but times are too lean to feel shamed by asking. so if you can, please do spread the word far and wide about this online holiday sale. i will also ship internationally, of course.

by the way, for those of you asking: my surgery is thursday, december 18, exactly one week before christmas.

two hands with too much to hold

2008-12-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

*gulp* just coming up for air. life has been jam packed this past week. holiday show & sale #2 has come and gone. i was helping organize that one, including writing a blog. it went well, even considering the glum economy, for that i am so thankful! not selling a thing for the month of october has made a very large hole to fill, more than one holiday sale can do alone. i am hoping my website sales are on fire for the next 10 days. fingers crossed...

additionally, i have been in the trenches with my job search. chasing down listings all over the internet and writing, writing, writing. each resume crafted to each posting. also setting all my intention and holding it as firmly as i can muster. if you out there reading would join me in holding that intention, i would be so grateful. i need a job and i want one that sustains me with not only money, but also meaning. i am working quite hard on getting out of the way of my destiny and keeping doubts and fears acknowledged, but not indulged.

my body isn't on board all the way with that, however. the past few weeks have brought long painful bouts of intense stress-tummy. stabbing pain to dull ache. tossing and turning at night. eating very sporadically, as almost nothing will go down. it's better this week, however. my chinese medicine practitioner gave me some herbs that are as bitter as burnt bark, but have soothed my insides.

i am keeping the stress at bay, moment by moment.

this month is flying by already. another holiday sale event this weekend, then my last week of job searching and getting my home in order before surgery on the 18th. also before my mom flies in on the 16th. i want to have my place sparkling, so she can relax a bit when she is here taking care of me. the last three times my mom came, she absolutely slaved, trying to bring me and my home back to civility from squalor.

really, it was that bad.

i'm nervous about surgery, my dear friends. it comes on when i lay down to sleep. thoughts racing around, despite my best attempts to breathe deep and stay calm. i know my surgeon is skilled, i just find the thought of surgery so icky and scary. last year i didn't have weeks to anticipate, everything happened pretty quickly.

so i am doing alright in general, i thought you might like to know. holding fear in one hand and positive intention in the other. trying to honor both, yet i would love to put the fear down and use both hands to hold that intention.

can you help me? can we hold it together? oh, thank-you...

an abundance of gratitude

2008-11-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

there is so much to be thankful for today! here is my short list...what is on yours?

my clear mammogram.
you sitting there at your computer, following my story & caring about me ~ even if we've never met in person.
i may be broke, but more important ~ i'm healthy.
my sweet, almost 14-year old dog is curled at my feet after a nice walk.
i have an incredible, loving family.
even though i have become a hermit, my friends have not given up on me.
i can walk, after months and months of pain and limping!
oh, and then there's obama...*happy sigh*

thank-you from the bottom of my heart for sticking by me through this topsy-turvy year. writing this blog and knowing you are there, reading and hoping the best for me ~ that has saved my life. thank-you, my friends. thank-you, internet. thank-you, universe for this day of abundance.

and as promised, i drew a name today for my little give-a-way. the celebration of my one year anniversary of this blog and of the turnip's arrival in my life. i am so glad the turnip is gone and you are still here, my readers. so without further ado, the winner is...

laura, who writes the inspiring blog, nothing to attain. congratulations, laura! i'll be emailing you for your postal address so you can receive your prize. (to be honest, i have not decided yet what the prize will be, i thought the winner might want to look over my website and give me a hint.)

to all my readers...wherever in the world you are today, i wish you happy thanksgiving and i hope you feel how very much i appreciate you. may your day be warm and blessed.

it's all good, people

2008-11-25T09:08:00.000-08:00

i've picked up on a vibe lately from many of you, my dear readers. you're feeling sad and sorry about my business dissolving. perhaps you are disappointed, feeling let down. maybe this change in my life represents something bigger to you, maybe you are having a hard time getting excited about my new career path because, well, it just doesn't fulfill your yearning for romance.

i'll admit, going back to school, getting a job, pursuing a career path that promises security ~ on paper that certainly doesn't read as exciting as being an independent jewelry designer. as a culture, we romanticize the artist, but we don't support them. i don't mean you, my friends who follow this story. you have been incredibly supportive and i am so grateful. thank-you! i speak of the culture at large. we americans in particular are drawn to the dashing image of the solo entrepreneur, making their own rules, not bound by the 9 to 5. but without universal health coverage? just that issue alone points to the huge disconnect between what we say we value as a country and what truly support with taxes.

i want to be clear. i want this change of plan. i choose this new career path. this is good.

i am celebrating, even as i slog through resume writing and job research. the financial crises provided the breaking point, it is true, but i am thankful for the insights these current conditions have pushed to the surface. i am thrilled to have figured out some essential truths about who i am and what brings my life meaning. i am so happy, so relieved to be moving in this new direction. for those of you who only know me through this blog and since i got cancer, i realize it's a stretch of imagination.

for my old friends and family, nothing makes more sense than where i am headed now.

you know, for years i thought that the ultimate would be having my own business, running the show and making beautiful objects to sell. but to be clear, i saw myself as the artist, not the production worker. i never wanted to do my own production. it burns up your body and your spirit. i knew that wasn't for me. yet to be brutally honest, i didn't start with capitol. i didn't start with family money or a partner who paid the bills. i did not have the resources to hire help or set up shop overseas. i started with only a wing and a prayer, with rose-colored glasses firmly planted on my face.

the way i did it is not the way to success.

no regrets. i had to do it this way, my way. the lessons learned could not be gained any other way. anyone who knows me well, knows i can be very stubborn. (although growing softer with age) it often takes a big sign to get my attention. i will never say that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me. however, when cancer showed up a year ago, i recognized it as my teacher.

what an incredible year of learning.

i have learned that i don't want to work all the time, i want to have a healthy balance between work and life. having my own business meant i could set my own schedule, but it was very hard for me to impose enough structure to be efficient or have any sense of personal equilibrium. some people thrive on working 16-hour days, but not me. i do not like the lifestyle or the hours of having my own business. for me, it means never really being "off" work, not having enough money to take a vacation, constant worry about the future and no safety net when shit hits the fan. i got sick. i developed chronic injuries that take an incredible amount of time and dedication to manage.

oh, it feels so good to say that i do not like having my own business!

call me a heretic, i don't care. for me there was little glory and much pain. but, i have learned so much from my experiment with being an entrepreneur. skills and experiences that will serve me well in any new career direction. now, i am a guerrilla-marketing expert. now, i know how to write a business plan. now, the web is my right arm. now, i am plugged into an incredible network.

i may not have found my calling with a solo-proprietorship, but i found my voice.

so celebrate with me, my dear readers. change is good. even looking at a balance sheet all in the red and worried about the immediate future, i am happy. happy to see the way forward.

the biggest thing i have given up in starting this business is making art. ironic, but true. that loss has been a source of sadness and imbalance that i believe contributed to cancer, to injury, to weight gain and all sorts of unhealthy conditions. i am so excited to get back to myself as an artist. you know, the product design comes so easily to me so it has been tempting to think that it is my path. i have an inventor's brain, an affinity for problem-solving. those gifts make me lucky, but not bound to direct that talent into a career. i have always suffered from too many ideas, too many things i was good at. such a problem, right? again, i know i am lucky to be able to choose how to apply all those strengths.

i hope to keep my jewelry studio for as long as i can and am currently seeking a studio mate to share the costs. i see myself continuing to make pieces, but only one-of-kind high end pieces. i'll offer them on my website, but in the future i won't make jewelry for a market. i'm going to play the timing by ear. at this moment, i intend to have my business transition into a hobby that may provide some occasional income, but nothing that i'm counting on to live. i am looking forward to painting again and to pursuing opportunities to create and show site-specific installations. for now, nothing has changed except my intention. when i land that full time job i am pining for, then i will really make the shift away from the jewelry studio and business.

at this point in life, i choose to put my energy into those things that feed my soul. connecting with people and helping them through big life transitions. making art for the sheer joy of creating, on my timeline. that is it, people. that is it.

good news and a revealing story

2008-11-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

to start, the excellent good news. i had my first post-cancer follow up mammogram this week and am thrilled to report the screening was all clear. free of cancer and free to go on with my life! my beat up little breast didn't enjoy being squished so hard and is tender now in response, but it's worth the pain to get such great news.

as a follow-up to my last post, i want to offer a few more reflections.

i can only assume life is long, that my life will be long and healthy and full. after the year i have had, it seems the only outlook that brings any daily peace. i can't live as if it will all end tomorrow, or next year, or i would not be able to make a plan for a future. seeing the future as long and wide, full of promise, that helps me be in the moment. being in the moment is a very good thing, as we all know.

all the dreams i have, the things i would like to do in this lifetime, i hope to have a chance to see even half of them come to fruition. yet, i am more realistic at 42 than i was at 22, as i should be. which isn't to say i've given up anything truly important to me with my recent decision in regards to career path. in fact, i feel i have embraced the very most important things of all.

in the past, i have made some choices that delivered more flash and drama to my story than substance and consideration for those vital basics in life; health, security, comfort. i regret very few choices i've made. after all, this winding path has made me the interesting, empathetic and experienced person i am today! hopefully those qualities make me employable too.

when i started my retreat in september, i had one strict agreement with myself: stay open. accept what comes without judgment. i wanted to see where my inner investigations would lead. i'll freely admit, this last chapter has surprised me too, on one level -the surface level. dig deeper down (my old friends can attest to this) and choosing to work with young people in transition, to enter a counseling field? it makes sense like ducks in water.

is my heart still tugged towards international development work, towards the entrepreneurial life? oh, yes. of course it is. i have always been drawn to helping people in far-flung places that haven't even reached the bottom rung of the economic ladder. i want to save every one of those dying in poverty every day. my heart is there. and i have always longed for adventure, for travel, for change. yet i know this: i tend towards the romantic view (that's my optimistic side), which isn't strongly rooted in reality. intellectually, i know that the grand gesture isn't as effective as slogging away in the field, making small steady steps forward.

what i have come to be at peace with is that "the field", my field, is right here in portland. and that when i can help young people form clear intentions for their lives and perhaps even inspire some into values-driven careers, that i am making a significant difference. what our western developed world needs most is upcoming generations of leaders and followers that are dedicated to service and sustainability.

i offer you a story from another pivotal crossroads in my life, one where i didn't stop and consider carefully the path i was taking.

first, the back story. at age 24, as i was nearing completion of my undergrad degree in fine art, i was clear and determined about my future. my art was flourishing, i was excited about making a career in the academic world and planning for grad school. i was surrounded by talented friends and supportive professors, my world was rich with interesting discussion, with art-making, with exhibitions and writing.

i was putting myself through school by waiting tables and scholarships. my minor was women's studies and i was planning on writing some grants (i had already been successful in getting other grants funded) and after graduation, going overseas to study and write a book. i was particularly pulled towards the isolated communities in the outer islands of the west coast of scotland. i wanted to live with and study the women working in ancient craft traditions that were dying out at that time. before me, i saw a bright future that included grad school, eventually earning a doctorate degree and hopefully heading a women's studies department at a university.

what a great plan, right?

i met a man at a party. he was a very handsome brit, genius level-intelligent and clearly a troubled soul. you guessed it, my dear readers, i fell for him. hard. without a pause to see that i was turning onto another path entirely, i soon found my life revolved around him, his troubles, his potential for success. we were together for three years, we planned to marry, raise children, build the perfect alternative energy home. my strong urge to make a difference, to save someone kicked in and his broken psyche became my big project. i forgot about my whole career path, the plans i was so passionate about.

i lost my way. in the end, i lost myself.

i did find myself again, but i never found my way back to that path i was on. i had passed the crossroads and it was too distant to return to, too foggy to find again. i went forward in my life, driven most by my personal demons(the above wasn't the last unhealthy love relationship i found myself in) and my eventual quest for deep healing. there simply wasn't energy for forming a plan, finding a new career path.

here i am, 16 years after finishing my undergrad degree, finding my way. looking at a new path open wide.

in the far distance i can see some hazy possibilities that do combine my drive to work in counseling, guiding teens and my desire to contribute overseas. i can volunteer on summer vacations. eventually i will retire and explore yet other options for making a difference. life will be long, there will be time for everything that matters.

the bright clear path ahead

2008-11-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

I fell into a funk shortly after my last post. it didn't last much more than 24 hours and i do think my hormones contributed something to the equation. yet, when i woke on friday i felt refreshed, hopeful again, energetic. seizing the day, i went to the studio and got more accomplished than i have in weeks. then yesterday i moved a rosebush, and did some gardening. it felt good to move my body, even though i have the sore muscles today to show for my efforts.

it seems i am coming out of weeks and weeks of rest and what has sometimes felt like inertia. even though my emotional world, along with my spiritual and mental investigations, have been very active. why does checking items off a to-do list feel so valuable? and why does spending blocks of time in contemplation feel like it doesn't measure up, like it isn't real work?

for the past 77 days, i have been on a kind of retreat.

in times past, when i had no work and little money, but plenty of time, i felt trapped. certainly in these weeks i have experienced that feeling yet again. i have time to travel: but no money. i have time to go out: but no money.

thing is, i am not meant to be traveling or going out.

in the absence of work (nothing is selling on my websites) i have made myself into a work-worthy project. my cleanse in september kicked off a very contemplative period. soul searching has led to job searching, which has led to even deeper soul searching.

this personal work has been very, very productive.

for perhaps the first time in my life, i recognized that i had reached a significant crossroads. for absolutely the first time in my life, i stopped at the crossroads, sat down and cleared my head. i am still sitting there, my dear readers. no sugar or booze to cloud my view, i seem to be able to see for miles in every direction. at first, the way forward was foggy. the path to the future was littered with fallen branches and leaves. i wasn't exactly sure that there was even a path.

looking back over the landscape behind me, the one i've traveled these 40-odd years, things grew more clear the longer i looked. i started to see the other crossroads i've passed. the places where i plodded on, blindly, when i most needed rest. the streams i waded through, oblivious, even while i was so thirsty. the big signs in the road i didn't notice, distracted by drama, by boredom, by a driving need to be right. i saw alot of murky bogs in my past, a few of which i barely escaped with my life.

then, some encouraging themes emerged. the whole path behind me was not dark. there were lush green meadows as well as frozen, rocky mountain passes. i looked for, and found, some real jewels of information in the journey behind me. just in this last week, sitting still at my crossroads, i realized some truths both profound and useful.

here are those truths, in two parts.

part one: i dream of changing the world, of making an impact in some dramatic and measurable way. to revolutionize the way something is done, to "save" a whole bunch of people. i have global vision and big ideas, i always have. yet what i've realized and am ready to admit is that this desire is driven not just by compassion, there is no small amount of ego involved. perhaps that is not even a bad thing, i'm just saying i noticed it and i am owning it. sometimes it's good to go for what makes you happy, not what you dream about. for me, it is a breakthrough to see that those two things are not always the same.

the second profound and useful part is even more revealing. this nugget serves as a red neon arrow at my crossroads, pointing this way. what i realized is that my most satisfying work has been directly helping individuals, especially teens and young adults. people at that first big crossroads in life. what i love most is connecting authentically, listening, mentoring, guiding, supporting dreams and nurturing ambitions. that work resonates on all levels. that work is a worthy use of my time and talents.

this, what i'm doing right now, sitting at the crossroads, is the work i want to help others do. this powerful, important process of sifting, learning to see, being honest with self, finding the way forward - this is where i am an expert. this is what i have to give. i am moved to tears as i write about it, as i finally see those last dead leaves blown off of my path.

it is clear. i can see now where i am meant to go, where i want to go, where i will go.

behind me, i see my five years of classroom teaching. i know i don't want to return to that. before me, i see high school school counseling, academic advising. work that sustains my interest because, in part, it calls upon what i have lived. i know from experience that working with teens asks you to use everything you have ever learned. as a side benefit, they teach you all sorts of interesting lessons.

i realized during this retreat in my own home that i am more interested in people than business. that MBA i considered in september wouldn't get me to where i really want to be. i have come to accept that my core values have not changed, that they won't change. people always trumps money. in this life, i am meant to accumulate my wealth in social capitol. in this life, all i need is to be comfortable financially and to do meaningful work. all i would do with extra money is give it away, anyhow. and i see now that what i have to give, of myself, my time, is of immeasurable value.

i am wealthy beyond my wildest imagination.

Note: two tools were instrumental in this retreat process. i recommend them wholeheartedly, if you are ready to face, with curiosity and tenderness, any possible answer that may come.

i asked for help from five people i really trust and know without a doubt, love me dearly and forever. (for me, that was my sisters, my brother and my parents. i could not have made this request without healthy relationships with each of them). i asked for each person to draw up two lists, one of my strengths/gifts and another of my challenges/weaknesses. i received them gratefully, without getting defensive. this was a difficult and painful tool, but very useful. what i was looking for in those lists is the things that i couldn't easily see. i approached the exercise as research and both lists gave vital information.
i read a superb book called making a living while making a difference, conscious careers for an era of independence, by melissa everett. everett's book is more than theory and enviable case studies, as this type of book often seems to be. this book offered real tools and exercises that refined my data, focused my thoughts and opened my heart. i recommend the original, not the revised addition, unless you are looking at moving into environmental fields.

what first steps do i take down this clear path ahead of me? that is exactly what i am figuring out, with gratitude and openness.

notes on a healing body

2008-11-12T10:10:00.000-08:00

it has been a while since i gave you an update on my physical health. it's a low-drama report, really. yet there are a few things to note that those following this story may like to know.

i was walking into my studio a couple of days ago and noticed that i was not stepping gingerly. this is more exciting than it sounds at first. not stepping gingerly and with extraordinary care means one thing: my foot is improving. now, i am just walking. not racing along as i used to, like a native new yorker plunked down in the laid-back northwest, but just walking without thinking about each step. slower than before, but that in itself very well may be a good, a very good thing. really, what was my former bustling haste all about? after all, i am not a native new yorker (well, perhaps in another life) and i don't live in a city that requires a brisk stride.

note that i am not going crazy with this news and starting a 10,000 steps a day routine. but i am feeling much lighter in spirit about this change and as if, yes, it will happen. my foot will be healed. another huge bonus is that my new orthodics fit in a variety of shoes. even my cute red wing-tips and my low-heeled, tall black boots! there is alot of talk floating around these days about change from the bottom up. let me tell you, my dear readers, about the change that begins with shoes. suffice it to say that it ends with a little lipstick and a smile. expanding my options beyond running shoes has had a profound effect on my overall appearance and confidence.

now, to the breasts. well they are changing too, quite soon. i did get a surgery date for december 18, almost a year to the day of my last one. dr. reid mueller at OHSU is my plastic surgeon and has a marvelous reputation. it's still difficult to believe that i will submit to cutting open my one breast that has been untouched until now. accept more scars. yet, afterwards, i can move on into a new year with symmetrical breasts that are 100% paid for by insurance. no more heavy silicone prosthesis. no more sport bras everyday (after a few months of healing).

after a few years, all these scars will fade so much that i won't think of breast cancer everyday.

last week was full of doctor appointments, including my 6-month check up with dr. marquez, my radiation oncologist. turns out i will see her for follow-ups for five years! good thing i really like her. i was nervous about my breast exam, but it was fine. she talked me through the new landscape of my breast, after cancer, after treatment. there is less tissue to examine now, which will make my own self-exams easier. the trick is learning the scar tissue and natural lumps, so i know if something new appears. nothing new has appeared. next week is my yearly mammogram, so that will reveal any hidden dangers. please, everyone, fingers crossed for a clear result!

i am experiencing some hair loss, it's been increasing for a couple of months. now, i am losing enough to be concerned. could be caused by stress (although i've certainly been stressed before and not lost hair over it). some reports i have read said that the trauma of surgery and radiation can cause hair loss, which would have a natural lag time. that makes sense, but i will still be asking my doctor about it. seems unlikely that it is caused by any vitamin deficiency, as i am eating near perfect diet.

today is 73 days without any meat, booze, most grains or refined sugar.

i am eating lots of veggies, a bit of fruit, a little fish, some eggs & legumes, healthy fats like avocado, coconut and fish oil and still drinking quarts of water everyday. i have learned to make excellent "raw" crackers in my dehydrator, which are delicious with a smear of goat cheese for a light meal. as the colder weather, dark evenings and rain has come in, it is much harder to eat even 70% raw. yet, i am doing pretty well. i am not suffering and i eat tasty things. considering my stress level, it feels great that i am not soothing my nerves with sugar.

my ph balance quest is going well. it is working, this diet i follow. the weight loss effect has tapered off (although to my credit, i have not gained). yet, my most important goal has been accomplished: i am keeping my body slightly alkaline. when i started, i could not ever get my morning urine reading over 5.5 ph, now it is consistently close to 7, which is a bigger leap forward than it sounds. ideally, i will maintain my ph around 7.25. cancer cells cannot live, cannot form groups and multiply in an alkaline environment. so, each day i follow this plan, i am preventing cancer. i am frankly quite impressed by the change i have been able to effect through diet and nurturing my emotional well-being. more exercise will only help keep things going in the right (alkaline) direction. slowly, i am getting back into regular exercise, which also feels really good.

i used to charge through life, now i am more careful. baby steps to change.

perhaps it's not realistic to think that a person can feel carefree as they age. yet, i still have hope. my papa celebrated his birthday last month. i called in my congratulations, as he lives 2,000 miles away. when i asked him how he feels at age 75, he replied "i feel like i am 40! i feel great". my answer was quick, "funny, i feel 75!". my hope grows stronger that sometime in the not too distant future, i will be back to feeling as i used to, far younger than my 42 years.

barack obama, a victory for healing

2008-11-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

what an incredible week we've all had! on tuesday night, when barack obama delivered his acceptance speech, i was crying tears of joy, of relief and of some disbelief. millions of others world wide were having the same experience.

did we really do this?

the next morning, i wanted to write about it, but there were no words. tears still choked my voice. but i was increasingly giddy, i woke smiling. and i have remained hopeful, expectant, excited, proud. like a 13 year-old girl crushed out on a pop star, i have this strong urge to put a picture of mr. obama on my wall. silly, i know. for now, i put him and his family on my blog, found object. which is, after all, my most public "wall".

my brain is finally settled down enough to begin to express some of what the election of mr. obama means to me.

his election symbolizes healing. it also accomplishes healing.

much of this blog has been about healing. i have been occupied with healing my own emotional, spiritual and physical wounds for years. this particular year has been completely focused on healing from breast cancer. over my lifetime, as i've faced and healed from various traumas, it has been natural to take those experiences and try to use them to help others heal. this blog is, in part, about offering my healing journey up in the hopes it might just help someone else who is struggling.

in this, i feel a strong link with mr. obama.

mr. obama grew up poor, by american standards. like me, he grew up not going hungry, but knowing want and knowing that his parents were not going to be able to financially support his dreams. like me, mr. obama came from intellectual, academic parents who inspired him, who encouraged him to believe that he could become anything he set his mind on.

for me, the deepest piece of my personal connection to this historic moment in american history is not that mr. obama is a person of color. (although that certainly represents immeasurable healing for us as a nation). the piece that resonates to my core is that mr. obama did not grow up financially privileged. he grew up with a single mother. he rode the bus. he spent his youth in an apartment in a big city.he spent part of his childhood living in the developing world. he got all scholarships to an excellent private high school because he was smart and his mother (and grandparents) put a high value on education. and he worked scooping ice cream through those high school years.

barack obama grew up and made his way in the world from, as i see it, essentially the same place i did. without money, without the power and network of upper-class parents, without a father that showed him support, but with an incredible mother and grandparents. (a non-traditional family can produce well-adjusted kids? now that's revolutionary! supporters of prop 8, do you see that?) he understands on a personal level what it means to be a working american. mr. obama understands grassroots economics because he came from the bottom, not somewhere close to the top, as presidents in my lifetime have. he has lived sacrifice and service to others in real, tangible ways that i can understand. he got where he is today on the strength of his intelligence and his willingness to work hard.

mr. obama's election to the office of president represents healing for all of us who grew up close to, or at the bottom of, the economic ladder. his victory affirms us all.

dear readers, you have heard me in this last year express much anguish over my finances, my sense of insecurity and my tenacity to be paralyzed by fear. seeing barack obama be elected by a significant majority this past week has not completely erased those fears or immediately fixed my dismal money situation.

but, it has given me hope in something bigger than my problems. his election does offer a healing balm for people struggling. for me struggling, right now. it has sent a clear message of hope to every kid growing up poor, every child of a broken home and to every person who feels on the outside. if you can dream it and work hard for it, anything is possible. the impossible has become possible.

a year ago, i considered the election of barack obama highly unlikely. i didn't vote for him in the primary because i didn't believe he was electable at this point in america history. i am so glad to be wrong. i am so deeply comforted by this wonderful, improbable result.

the story of barack obama makes me hopeful that other unlikely things may come to pass. the seemingly impossible things become possible. even personal things. if obama can get elected, then maybe i will fall in love and find an amazing partner. if obama can get elected, maybe even in an economic crises, i will land a great job.

if barack obama can get elected, then i have hope that we can end world hunger in our lifetime.

making seemingly impossible things happen takes more than hope, it takes hard work and time. yet nothing ever happens without that hope to get it started.

let's get started.

what i didn't know, then

2008-11-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

what a difference a year makes. this blog is one year old today. the story of the turnip has taken us on quite a journey. i have learned so much. i have suffered great loss, yet also experienced incredible blessings. for instance, you, sitting there at your computer screen, you are a blessing.

thank-you for being there. thank-you for being part of my circle. i couldn't have made it through this year without you.

in honor of this anniversary, i want to offer a little something more than words. leave me a comment on this post and be entered into a drawing for something fabulous, made by me. i'll draw the lucky name on november 27, the anniversary of my surgery. this idea came from another blogger and thought it would be fun!

there are so many things i didn't know when i wrote this, one year ago. i still had some innocence. i still had respect for my surgeon from before, nearly eight years ago now. i didn't know the truth about phyllodes sarcoma, my turnip's medical name. i walked through the world thinking i was safe, that it was nothing, just a tumor.

and what is a tumor, actually? well, it is cancer.

a tumor is a tent revival of rogue cells. maverick cells, really. normal, sensible cells of the body that turn crazy, get excited, then clump together and reproduce. in the case of a phyllodes sarcoma, they reproduce quickly, these tumors can grow from nothing to the size of a baseball in just a few months. it feels like they grow overnight.

after my first one years ago, which was thankfully on the benign end of the spectrum, my surgeon was very reassuring. he didn't even call it cancer. he patted my hand and told me what anyone would want to hear. he said i was more likely to win the lottery or be hit by lightening than to get another one of these very rare breast tumors.

a year ago today, i sure didn't feel like i won the lottery. being hit by lightening only hints at how surprised and blindsided i felt.

what i know now is much, much more about phyllodes sarcoma than the vast majority of general surgeons out there and probably most surgical oncologists as well. what i know now, is that if my surgeon had done his research, he would have gone in for a second surgery and taken more tissue. he would have had to get clear margins around the tumor, to prevent it's recurrence. my pathology report even spelled it out, that recurrence was a probability. not just possible, but probable! so yes, those sneaky rogue cells he left behind eventually re-grouped and formed another tumor, the turnip i have been writing about this year.

funny thing about those rogue cells, they took seven years to find each other, to re-group and start reproducing like crazy, but when they did? those cells were stronger than the first time. the second tumor wasn't benign, it was more aggressive. the second tumor was on it's way to being dangerous. that second tumor meant business.

i found both tumors because i touch my breasts. i know them, i examine them. i treasure my breasts and even though i don't have breast cancer in my family, i did self breast exams. most breast cancers can be caught early, most will not get to the dangerous point if treated early.

here is my advice for every woman:

no woman is too young for breast cancer. don't be naive, do your self-exams. don't allow any doctor to brush you off, or minimize your risks, because you are under 40. phyllodes specifically, even though a rare cancer, is more commonly found in younger women.

trust yourself. trust your gut and your instincts and your heart. doctors are not gods. don't take every first opinion, do your research as fearlessly as you can. find doctors you can trust.

know your breasts. love your body and learn it's landscape. tune in to the changes in breast tissue through your cycle and always self-examine the same time very month, ideally 5-7 days after your period starts. if you don't have periods, just pick a date on the calender and do it on the same day every month, without fail.

even though this year has been very difficult on many levels, i know now that i was lucky. i know that i was smart to continue my self-exams. i know that catching my cancer before it became a monster was really, really good. it could have easily been worse. for many women, it is much, much worse. women still die of breast cancer.

please don't let yourself or any woman you love become one of the unlucky. practice self-love through regular exams. be brave, face any fears you have around cancer and take care of yourself. you are the only you there is and this world needs you.

what i know now is that catching breast cancer early is still the best hope we have. it's in your hands. our hands.
images found here . thank-you, maryam, for posting them.

finding joy again

2008-10-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

Since I last wrote, my life has been consumed with job searching. writing one resume, then another version, then another. each new job listing requires a new version of the resume and a carefully crafted cover letter.

There is an art to this thing I am doing, to job searching.

All I have power over is what I put out into the world. This resume, these letters, my smiling face and best gifts. Somehow, I've been trying to express my energy, my outlook, my essence in these applications. Nothing less will get attention in this fierce job market. To even gain an interview will be cause for celebration.

I am remaining open, flexible. At the same time, learning to articulate who I am now and where I would most love to contribute in this world of ours. It's a bit exciting, wondering about what is next. Each job listing I apply for I get a little invested, I let myself fall in love with the job, just a bit, just enough.

And I've been inspired creatively since my decision to place my jewelry business on the back burner. Once I let go of the idea that I needed to make pieces for market, both my ideas and enthusiasm have flowed naturally back. I am paying attention to that truth. Without the pressures and constraints of profit & loss, my creative self expands. I can make objects and not keep track of how long they take to complete. I can let the art determine what materials to use and when it is finished! There is much to learn here in this life transition. Starting to think about art as joy, not as my work, brings a deep sigh of relief. Perhaps owning my own business is not the end-all, be-all of existence.

This past year has not been one with enough joy. For long stretches the joy completely vanished from my life. It no doubt lurked in the corners, just out of my field of vision. I am ready for more joy. To find it and to cultivate it. Life without joy is simply surviving.

who's that girl?

2008-10-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

while i've pondered the big picture for the past several weeks, the most intimate little concerns of the body have also been getting top billing in my busy brain. yes, i have been thinking alot about my breasts. those assets i took for granted for so many years.

i loved them, counted on them. my perfect breasts allowed me to look more kindly on my ample bottom and squishy belly. from the time my breasts first grew, i was proud of them. i had my grandmother's figure, the hourglass shape of old hollywood. i loved looking at photos of my grandmother from the 1950's, with her sweater-girl look -all red lipstick, waved hair and jaunty scarf. my identity as a woman, my sense of self as a sexual being, my confidence in pulling off a smart new outfit -in all these places and more, my breasts play a starring role. my breasts were more than just part of me, i often thought of them as the best part of me. speaking about strictly the physical, of course.

at the times i've spoken on this touchy subject with others, people are quick to point out that i am more than my body, that it's a warped culture that tells me i need to look a certain way to feel beautiful. that beauty, true beauty is on the inside. my heart, my mind, my spirit.

sigh. i know, i know. yet, i've harbored doubts about my surface beauty for years. it's not really even about how i look to others, it's how i feel about my looks. don't expect this to be rational.

here is the thing. i have never doubted my talent or my intellect (ok, i do have a bit of low self-esteem with math) or my compassionate heart. i know i am a good, smart, creative person. i know i am one of the sharpest tools in the shed. i know my ability to connect with others, to inspire and teach and learn, to make a difference in the world - none of that rests on my physical beauty.

except it does. it maybe shouldn't, but it does.

the truth is, i have been hiding in my house alot this past nearly 11 months. when i am out, i just want to be invisible. for many months, i wore only black, shapeless clothes. i have rarely gone out and only with very close trusted friends. (except for once -remember how disastrous my attempt at dating was?) how i feel about my body directly impacts my confidence in connecting with real, live people. how can a girl like me survive socially in a year when she lost her great breasts and her cute shoes? (oh that dratted foot again!) no wonder my circle of friends in the virtual world has grown. online, i'm just my words and my avatar from the neck up.

so, my friends, here is the unvarnished story. i feel deformed and disconnected. i wear a sports bra nearly everyday because my more flattering bras, with the pretty lace and encouraging underwire, they push painfully on the still tender tissue on my side from the radiation treatment. my ribs are sore on the side of my breast. and i wear a prosthesis to make up the radical difference in size between my two breasts. it's a strange silicone thing that looks like a raw chicken breast. it's a bit heavy and hot. every night when i take it off, my breast is warm and sticky from sweating all day under the prosthesis. my breast smells funny. at home by myself, i don't wear it, i can't wait to be rid of it.

that day is coming soon. the week before christmas, i am having another surgery. (thank heavens my sweet mom is returning to care for me) for weeks i have been reading, researching, crying, trying to sort out all the complex feelings. finally last week, i made a decision. all of the choices before me had risks and i was factoring in the financial piece too strongly. my mind had been clouded by fear, raw and frozen fear. i am tired of making important, life-altering decisions driven by the shitty health insurance issues and fears about money.

i have decided to give my cancer breast a break. to turn to my unaffected breast and reduce it to match. this decision fills me with sadness and i've been grieving. i am giving up my hourglass figure for something much more pear shaped. at my current weight (still 25 lbs from my healthy goal) these two smaller breasts will still look ok, i think. only time will tell what i have left for breasts at a lower weight. i try now to think positively. perhaps they won't shrink as much as i think they will, as much as they have in the past with weight loss. perhaps there will be benefits to smaller breasts i haven't considered or ever experienced.

and i have given myself permission at any point in the future to get implants in both breasts, if i don't feel good about how i look. but right now, my cancer breast is just not feeling healed enough to take an implant. there is a higher risk of complications with a breast that has had radiation. making a new breast from my own tissue would involve a way more extensive surgery with a long recovery time and there are risks, of course. and for a while, i need to close this chapter. i need to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and not see cancer in capitol letters, with three exclamation points. over time, the scars will fade and hopefully i will learn to love my new breasts. someday, i'll feel good naked again.

i will never have back the body i had before cancer. i am accepting that now. can't change the past. can't keep driving myself crazy. i've got to move on to other things in my life.

making peace, and perhaps someday even love, with a new body isn't an overnight process. it took me years to learn to love the body i was born with, now i just want to get back that love. i really want to get back to feeling like me. the me that walks boldly through the world with a little snap in her step and sparkle in her eye. the me that feels sexy and at home in her body.

that's the girl i miss the most.

going somewhere, slowly

2008-10-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

thank-you, my friend maryam for asking me to "please blog". your request was the much needed dash of cold water to the face that reminded me i'm not in a bubble. there are people out there, you are out there, reading this blog and wondering about me. i had gotten so caught up in my "stuff" lately and so overwhelmed, i couldn't even write. thanks for reminding me that my friends care about me and that my silence is worrisome.

i haven't spent much time in blogland even reading blogs the past couple of weeks. except maryam's blog, my marrakesh. she's recently traveled to rwanda and has shared the story of who she meet and what conditions are like there. please, do go read about it yourself. begin the story on october 1st. i am so thankful for maryam, the work she does and her willingness to share. those posts have touched me, shook me up and the resulting feeling i have is that my problems are small potatoes. not worth writing volumes about and i've been feeling something between self-conscious and ashamed. there is so much suffering in the world and the horrors that maryam writes so eloquently about makes me just want to keep my individual worries to myself.

so this blog has had her head in the sand for a while. i'm back.

meanwhile, this blogger has been both busy and idle. one moment hopeful and feeling free, the next wanting to fall asleep and never wake up. only one word gets at how the past two weeks have been: intense. i've melted down and pulled myself back up. there have been many tears. the group therapy sessions on tuesdays leave me feeling very wobbly. i've been revisiting my breast reconstruction choices and quite frankly, freaking out for days and days on end.

i have been questioning the very deepest parts of me and my life. soul searching, life-path searching, career searching. all i've been doing is searching, researching, thinking, writing - trying to answer for myself those big, big life questions. then sitting down and meditating, hoping the answers will plop right down into my lap. yeah, right.

who am i, really?
what path should i choose?
where do my gifts best intersect with the needs of others in this crazy world?

an initial decision has been made. i will seek and secure a job. my business will take a back seat, perhaps be dismantled altogether. what i am doing is not sustainable, i am gathering debt nearly every month and i am so, so tired. being part of a team sounds comforting, after all this time as lone wolf in my studio. i am not romanticizing any job, i know the reality of both sides. my friends, i need a break and i need to stabilize.

and i do feel i have succeeded, i made my grand experiment. that was my goal, five years ago, to take a life-long dream and try making it into a business. and try i certainly did. could i go farther? yes, of course. do i want to? no, i don't. production is hard on the body and creative spirit. i am looking forward to making art for its' own sake again. this is the time for damage control and to regain some security. the health insurance issues and costs have been the straw that broke this little camel's back. cancer has changed the playing field forever.

so now i am writing my resume, putting out my feelers and setting my intention. somehow, even in the fierce job market of portland - i will land a position with benefits that is interesting, at a company or non-profit that shares my values. i know i bring a extraordinary package to the table and i am excited to see where i can contribute. this is my short-term goal.

the longer-term goal is going back to school. i am looking at grad school and pondering my options. who knows what type of business i might launch later on, or what kind of fulfilling career path i might embark upon?

i've also boiled down the parts of my Honey & Milk business plan that i was the most excited about and found something i didn't expect. the pieces about making a positive difference in the world, working on sustainability and fair-trade, eradicating poverty, traveling internationally, teaching diverse groups of people -those things really make my eyes sparkle. turns out, the parts about focusing on my jewelry and designs, the high fashion world and marketing - those pieces aren't the heart of the plan. the service to others part is the most compelling piece. that has helped me start in a job search direction.

i guess you could call this a mid-life crisis. trying to answer that question: what was i put on this earth to do? and cancer heated up the urgency. what am i waiting for?

blessed. wealthy. fortunate. i know that these words do apply to me. i have the luxury of being able to work on all of these issues. i am not fighting for survival as the people of rwanda have and still do. as hurting people all over the world do. even with all my issues and health crap and past traumas, even with our failing economy and high cost of living and shitty american health plan - i can make big plans and dream even bigger dreams.

for a fresh perspective on wealth, check this out.

what is freedom? what is security?

2008-09-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

here's a quote from my favorite online astrology site, aquarium age. it's my weekly forecast for this past week:

You've got money on your mind and while money is important, it might be wise to think about why it matters so much to you. The more you understand it's role in your life, the better you'll handle it.

certainly that could apply to many of us, but it has got me thinking. when i ponder why money matters so much to me right now, two words pop immediately to the top. freedom and security. money doesn't solve all my problems, of course i know this. but considering that the lion's share of my worry is around my lack of money ~it sure feels as if more would make life easier.

freedom and security. it strikes me that they are in many way opposing ideas. and that both can be found without any change in finances. maybe i need to define those terms for myself specifically:

freedom from worry about how i will pay for necessities. freedom to buy a healthy life-style and diet.
security for the future, both near and far. security to know if my health fails, and when i grow too old to work, i have the resources to sustain myself.

when i was working for someone else full time, i looked at owning my own business as the ultimate freedom. now i am on the other side and lately have begun to look longingly at the greener grass over over there. make no mistake, their are freedoms to this life of an entrepreneur. i do set my own schedule, i don't have to get permission to take a day off. i can spend alot of time on healing. yet, the reality is, i am still struggling to make ends meet and my debt mounts. i work all the time, often more hours a week than i ever did for someone else. and mentally, i am never "off", it's very difficult to clock out from your own business.

so my freedom often feels like a trap. it's a fake freedom when your business isn't making money. i can't afford to take vacations and i am certainly not free from worry. i also don't feel free to reward myself, to celebrate in any way that costs money, when i reach a big goal or achieve something significant.

and i have zero security. i have no savings, no investments, no disability insurance. i don't have a spouse or children to depend on when i'm elderly. come april, i will have to fall back onto the oregon state health insurance plan. the state of affairs has begun to bother me on a very deep level.

what i am processing now is this: can i find a way to have both freedom and security? i wonder what form of income creation that would take? working for "the man" in the past has felt very oppressive, i've often undersold my talents and intellect. i know i have spent years in jobs that did not exploit my best gifts and my contributions were not valued.

then i come to this past year. what a crazy fucking year. deep sigh. a year not without it's own gifts, i recognize that. but not a year where i felt freedom. cancer has stripped the romantic glow from life, from my view of my life. i see that as progress, as a good thing. i certainly have not stopped dreaming about the future, there is no stopping the flow of ideas from my brain. but coming out of cancer treatment and leaping into the process of writing an articulate, specific business plan - that was very illuminating.

as i've gone through this month of cleansing, i've been shining a bright, penetrating light on my business plan and my life plan. i've allowed myself to really see where it fall short, where it falls into fantasy and doesn't tell the whole truth. i've been looking at myself with as much objective constructive criticism as i can muster. let me tell you, my friends, it's not all pretty and inspiring.

it has occurred to me that strong, successful business leaders are honest about their weaknesses and in touch with where they often falter. their homework is very complete. and they are excellent at surrounding themselves with people that have complementary strengths. that is the kind of business leader (yes, leader!) i want to be.

i'm also trying to sort out what are my greatest strengths. what are the biggest gifts i bring to the table of business, the table of life? can you tell i've been doing a hell of a soul search? there is a rebel yell bubbling up inside me that feels like it might just blow the top of my head off.

breathe, breathe, breathe.

for most of my life, i have not placed much value on money. i place greater value on people, on relationships, on family, on doing what is ethical and right. i cannot abandon those principles, they literally are my moral fiber, an important part of who i am. i'd like to accomplish this: create a life and earn a living in such a way that provides freedom and security, without compromising my values. i want to work with people that share my values and are committed to making this world a better, healthier, sustainable place for all.

and a final note for this post. i miss making art. my jewelry business is only marginally satisfying. i miss creativity that has no involvement with commerce or marketability. art for art's sake. after three years of my jewelry business i don't want to do it anymore. if i was making a comfortable living, i think i would feel better about the whole thing. but to struggle so much, for so long? i am sick of struggling. i am tired. and a job is a job is a job. making jewelry is a job and lately, has not felt like a joy. all jobs get to this place eventually, it seems.

so maybe my big question is, how can i find or create a job that does not feel like a job?

i am doing my best to think outside of the box i usually stay within.

stones from the river

2008-09-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

closing the cleanse and opening the next phase of healing has been interesting this past week. it feels a bit like a part-time job, this taking extra good care of myself, eating just right and putting all my intention to healing.

if only i could get paid for all my hard work.

here's my sticky-wicket. i've spent the last ten years working my ass off on healing myself. working through layers of trauma, old stuck places, ancient wounds, toxic ideas. i have painstakingly shifted, inch by inch, my core beliefs. i have recovered from cancer (twice!). i have faced the darkest places and looked honestly at what is. of course, i am not done. no one is done until they are dead.

after all the hard work, i still struggle to pay my bills every month, i still struggle with the basics of making a living. the kind of hard work i've been doing doesn't pay the rent. that's the sticky bit, for sure.

yet, there is always more, it seems. a cleanse like i've just experienced brings new mirrors to face, more sludge from the bottom of my emotional river. as my bowels, gallbladder and liver released old waste, heavy metals and toxic run-off - my heart let go of a few things as well. it's been a time of questions, a time of opening and a extraordinary time of relaxing my thinking.

i think i have flushed out some old rocks in my brain. thank goodness. i feel so much lighter!

things are still unfolding. each day i feel a little shiver, a new idea, a small glimpse into where i might be going. inside, my river is flowing more freely than ever before. it's clear and sparkling to the bottom. perhaps somehow, my personal work will eventually pay dividends that show up on a balance sheet. i am hopeful that could be true.

what's up you say? where are things flowing? well, a few examples:

a simple altar on my dining table has created a sacred space for eating.
i am surrounding myself with healing objects, transforming my nest.
my new ideas are fluid, not fixed about the future.
i am looking at going back to school for an MBA.
my business model is flexing and growing.
my father and i are talking again, after five years of silence.
closets are getting cleaned, data backed up.

it's a new season. even without being able to take a long walk or dance, i am in motion.

the close of the cleanse

2008-09-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

in truth, it is the beginning of something new. closing the cleanse just means opening up my food choices. yet, i will continue to be on this path of ph balance for life. for now, that means eating way more raw than cooked foods, a 90/10 split. Eventually, i will be able to transition into a sensible and livable 70/30 split. yesterday i followed the cleanse until dinner, then i ate a veggie meal than included chewing my food.

what a simple joy. the ripest heirloom tomatoes, sliced and dressed just with sea salt and good olive oil. ah, they tasted so, so delicious. i ate a big plateful!

my heel was also acting up over the weekend, a very discouraging situation to say the least. goodness, these health issues are a bummer. i am so very sick of them. so ready for healing and change.

i made a bold move on that front. saw a podiatrist ( a move suggested by my acupuncturist a few weeks ago) and choose some standard western medicine treatment. he was great, did x-rays immediately and then used a diagnostic ultrasound to look at the tissue in my heel.

his first words upon seeing what was in my heel? "wow, oh wow". not what you long to hear from your doctor. it was bad. at least i know this last 18 months of pain and struggle with my heel was absolutely not in my head. i was starting to wonder if i was crazy. to treat something for so long, with daily stretching, ice applications, herbs, shoe inserts, rest - and still not get better?

so yes, i have a bone spur on the bottom of my heel and yes, i have plantar fastitis. i also have an extraordinary amount of inflammation in that heel. enough to elicit a "wow" from the doctor. he asked me how the hell i have been living with this? i told him everything i do to take care of it, and that i can not walk much. that i sit. that it limits my life in terrible ways.

i asked for a shot to the heel. one dose of cortisone to hopefully flip the switch on the inflammation. if any of you out there reading have a practice of prayer or meditation, please offer up some for me. i need this to work. it is the last resort.

the shot hurt like nothing i have ever sustained. sharp, deep pain, as they moved the needle into exactly the right place, using the ultrasound to guide. i cried out and used all my deep breathing techniques to get through it. after, it was numb. today it is achy and hard to stand on.

i am turning 42 tomorrow, yet don't i sounds like i am 92 with all my aliments?

there is much more to say, of course. the cleanse brought incredible mental, spiritual and emotional clarity. i will be sharing more on that very soon. some of it is just too big to throw in a post like this one.

thanks for all your support and caring, my dear friends. getting through the cleanse with you all following along has been really good.

cleanse report, days 12 - 14

2008-09-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

the past three days have been tough on the cleanse. my energy has been low, too tired to even work in the studio. and i really, really need to work. today is day fourteen. i've made it to my original goal, the whole two week cleanse finished.

should i continue? do i need to?

today i figured out that my lack of energy was due to a few factors. for one, the deep level of detox this week. between the eatable clay and two colon-hydrotherapy sessions, some major release has happened. my liver and gall bladder have both been seriously detoxing. but i do think it's potentially depleting as well. i've needed more rest and sleep than i've taken. i had a good meeting with my doctor on thursday and that was her only concern about the cleanse. she asked me to pay careful attention to my body and adjust if i was getting depleted.

for two, the fear factor. setting the surgery date and getting my mom's ticket secured has made my deadline real. real scary, to be honest. it is a serious emotional challenge to just breath through that fear of failure and take each hour as it comes.

and for three, i think i have not actually been taking in enough calories. so today i ate more, i consciously worked on that. and i feel better this evening. plus i slept 12 hours last night. at the suggestion of a friend, i signed up at fitday.com. the site allows you to create a simple, private profile and then use the tools there to figure out calorie intake/needs, track fitness and weight goals over a time period. using the food tools, i was able to figure out how many calories i was getting a day on the cleanse.

not quite enough.

i haven't been hungry and all the water really keeps me full, so didn't realize that i wasn't getting enough fuel. that definitely has a dramatic effect on energy!

so i am going to continue, but transition into more food and not all liquefied food. i'm ready, after fourteen days, to chew. i really can hardly believe i made it this far, to be frank.

it's something like a personal miracle. or marathon. it's both.

cleanse report, day 11

2008-09-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

detoxing. what a concept. it's like cleaning the hard drive of your body. all my organs are releasing, being renewed, feeling perky and fresh. my skin is starting to be a bit glowy and dewy. that's pretty great as i approach my 42nd birthday next week. i am starting to think doing a cleanse the 2 weeks before my birthday is a good idea every year.

out with the old, in with the new.

i am rolling along on the cleanse. had another session of colon hydrotherapy this morning. my liver and gall bladder are letting go of bile and toxic stuff. most of you probably think this is a really gross subject, but i must say i am fascinated with it all. and i feel wonderful, so that is what matters most.

i have not felt this good in a long, long time.

we are about to have a heat wave here in portland, oregon. which i am thrilled about, as it's way easier to eat 100% raw food when the weather is hot. thanks, mother nature, what a thoughtful birthday gift!

yesterday i cleaned out under my kitchen sink. i didn't just organize- i scrubbed it, put down pretty silver contact paper and now that area (which was a mess) is all lovely and calming. i am quite proud of myself, i have to admit. i am thinking about the parallels between internal body cleansing and home cleansing. cleaning closets is like really getting into the nitty-gritty. who knows what will open up in my life with a detoxed body and home?

i am excited to find out.

cleanse report, day 10 - deep detox

2008-09-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

my day ten was packed full, a little too much on the schedule for comfort,to be honest. it takes focus and time to do something of this magnitude gently and safely. to end each day feeling good, i have to work at how i construct my days.

it is alot of paying attention, this cleanse business. a bit like a part time job.

which makes social outings challenging. not impossible, but advance planning has to be complete. my first attempt at a social evening didn't go so well from the standpoint of taking care of my body. a point to remember: a person will always stay longer than they planned when catching up with an old friend. so be prepared. i should have brought my whole jug of water and a packet of protein powder & small bottle of almond milk. a little something would have really made the whole difference in how i felt later. yesterday i went from colon hydrotherapy to massage therapy to my friend's house. too many hours away from home base (and kitchen) in a row to plan for, i didn't plan well. lesson learned. i'd like to think i can go out and be social and still be on this cleanse.

especially because i have another 10 days to go! this morning, that is feeling like a long, long time. i know i just have to take it as it comes. keep listening to my body and have faith in the process.

surrender to healing.

i am going to skip the eatable clay today. my period started and after yesterday, i am feeling a bit shaky. i think it is important to adjust and flex any healing program to respond to how your body feels. which, of course, does not include listening to the crazy voices in my head that chant "pizza! pizza! pizza!"

i am trying to tune into the small quiet voice that always says water, water, water.

cleanse report, day 9

2008-09-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

day nine was a day of movement. things are shifting into place in wonderful ways. within hours of putting it out to the universe that my mom needed northwest airline points for her ticket to take care of me after surgery, a family member surprised us and came forward with enough to take care of it in one fell swoop.

that is what i was hoping for, that people would have stashes of points they knew they wouldn't use. what a blessing. and for the family member, he is thrilled to be able to do something to help.

several of you reading reached out as well to help. thank-you so much! it is so good to be reminded that the universe is holding me with love and compassion.

the cleanse goes on. now i have a firm deadline on the weight loss. i will have surgery the third week in december. suddenly, it feels like pressure. the kind of pressure i don't do well with. losing weight for a reason, for a deadline...that has been disaster in the past.

of course, this is a bit different than the past. trying to reduce for a wedding or before my 40th birthday wasn't based on the serious issues i am facing now. those deadlines were about looking good. facing surgery is a much, er, weightier proposition.

but i can feel myself panicking a little. i am trying to just breathe through it, just stay the course. walking up to my scale saying another pound lost helps. each pound is a small cheer of "you can do it". my body is releasing what it doesn't need. i am working on making that my focus.

35 pounds to go. exactly 14 weeks to do it.

i wonder if i am crazy, is it possible? i am guessing that in the end, the exercise piece will make or break this path i am on. if my heel can sustain exercise, i think that yes, i can do it. my success is based on not re-inflaming the heel injury.

the most exciting part is that by the time 2009 begins, i will be walking around in a body, my body, that is healthy, whole, healed and despite a few scars - is one that i feel good in. i am very glad to be getting the surgery out of the way before this year ends. to start fresh in 2009.

in the interest of this goal, i believe i am going to stay on the cleanse for the maximum amount of days, which is 21. that is what i will try for, anyway. the ride has really just begun, my friends.

yesterday's ph averages: urine 5.58, saliva 6.92

cleanse report, days 7 & 8

2008-09-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

i am still going strong, my friends. thank-you so much for your support and encouragement! i really appreciate very comment and email. it's not easy, what i am doing. don't let my light tone fool you. there are still moments everyday when i struggle.

yet, whatever suffering i face with something like this cleanse, it's fleeting. and in the balance against the pain of not being able to live and active life because of my heel spur (or wear any kind of cute shoes, ever) well, it's just not so bad, this cleanse. at this point, i would endure alot to heal my body. cancer treatment, that sucks. not being able to dance at a wedding or take a hike with a friend? that sucks too.

so all this cleansing business is worth it. i am encouraged by results so far and very hopeful of greater healing on the way.

i met with my plastic surgeon a couple of weeks ago, which also helped motivate this cleanse process. he evaluated my breasts for reconstruction and there was some good news. my skin healed from radiation very well. the tissue and skin is in great condition and i am a perfect candidate for augmentation, if i choose to take that route. he can easily do a lift on the other side to achieve symmetry.

the only hold up is me. i am not at a healthy weight for my height and certainly not for preventing cancer in the future or healing the heel spur. (excess body weight being one of the causes of heel spurs) so, to get the surgery now, i would not be happy with the results after the weight loss. so i must lose it before surgery. a few weeks ago, i was facing 50 pounds to lose. now it's just 37! still a formidable number, to be sure. but more manageable.

and i learned something important about the implants they use. it will go under the muscle, so i will still be able to feel my existing breast tissue for new lumps and gt mammograms (oh joy!) and the silicone implants are like a gummi bear, you could cut them in half and they wouldn't leak. it's still scary to me to think of having a forgien object inside me. and complications are possible.

in any ideal world, i'd have months and months to lose the weight and get the surgery when the time was right. sadly, i live in a world where my COBRA insurance policy runs out april 1st and then i am thrown onto the state (which will cost me $450 a month) for insurance not half as good as i have now. i join the millions of americans that are uninsurable because of pre-existing conditions.

so all this surgery business has to happen sooner rather than later. we are trying for mid-december, because if i do it before the end of the year, it won't cost me a dime. my deductible and breakpoint for the year was met with radiation treatment. ah, another december, another holiday season recovering from surgery. at least i get to see my mom.

i have a request, dear readers. i need to have my mom here to care for me after surgery. and to be there as i go in. it's too scary to face alone. and there is no one in portland that makes me feel safe and comforted like my mom.

but the plane tickets are crazy expensive in december. she is retired and on a fixed income. i am hoping some kind soul out there has northwest airline frequent flyer mileage points they could donate to my cause. she needs about 15,000 more points to be able to afford the trip. it costs only $25 per transaction to transfer them to her account, which i can cover. if you have any significant number of northwest points you can spare, i would be so, so grateful. just email me and we'll figure it out.

meanwhile, i have my work cut out to drop this weight before surgery. i started with my eatable clay yesterday and wow, what an effect on my bowels! very interesting. tomorrow i have another colon hydrotherapy session scheduled. it's all about releasing.

cleanse report, days 5 & 6

2008-09-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

as i begin day seven of this cleanse, i am feeling so much better than i could have imagined. there is a lightness and contentment in my emotional self that has surprised me. what a nice surprise! i am also surprised that i have such sustained energy in body, given the drastic reduction in protien this week from my previous diet.

it actually takes less than i think to feel good. that is really interesting. i do believe the water is key. lots and lots of ph balanced water. my skin is clearing up and my eyes look really clear and bright.

i feel bright all over, actually!

i'm still dealing with cravings, yes. mostly for chewy crunchy salty things. pizza and popcorn, you know. nibbling on a little piece of Himalayan salt fends off most of them. it really is mineral rich, tasty salt.

another odd thing is the dreams i've had this week. very vivid, strange dreams. maybe my subconscious is also detoxing? sure seems like it. worry, death and destruction. it's all coming out.

my apartment detox continues. yesterday two pieces of furniture i replaced went bye-bye. such a relief to have that extra desk and coffee table out of my livingroom. today i am going to clear off my dining table and create a space to concentrate on conscious eating. i live alone, why not make my eating area into a sacred space?

eleven pounds lost in this last month. i am frankly amazed and deeply encouraged. i have renewed hope that i might just be able to do this thing. lose 50 pounds and renew my health. heal my heel and be ready for reconstruction surgery. and i've read dozens of studies that found cancer cells cannot thrive in an alkaline environment. this sums up my anti-cancer strategy. to create and maintain a slightly alkaline environment in my body so that cancer (and we all have "cancer" cells floating around in us all the time) cannot gain any ground, ever again.

i am so aware of how it is not just about the water i drink or food i eat. it's about my state of mind and the health of my emotional world. in a couple of weeks i am starting a 6-week workshop, like a group therapy type deal, at project quest. it's just for women with or healing from, breast cancer and is focused on developing your inner healer. lead by a naturpath doctor and a Jungian psychologist.

tomorrow i begin week two of the cleanse...

cleanse report, day 4

2008-09-05T07:52:00.001-07:00

i really can hardly believe i have made it this far with the cleanse. yesterday was a bit easier, i made an excellent soup. a yummy "creamy" cauliflower, very satisfying.

my energy held up well through the day and i was quite tired by 9 pm, but that was ok. the hardest part is being chilly because the weather has been chilly and not having a big pile of warm carbs or a chewy piece of meat to warm me up. i've been drinking my water, more pureed soups and some herb tea in the evening.

the good news is, we are getting a summer heat wave starting today. that should make it all easier. and i have acupuncture today, which will be great.

i haven't been working very much during the first four days of the cleanse, but i think i am in the groove enough and stable enough to hit the studio again. i've got a few orders and alot of new inventory to produce. also, my birthday is coming up and i like to make myself a new piece of jewelry every year. i have a beautiful 1.5 inch square agate that i've had for years, intending to set as a necklace. i think it just might be time.

ah, my birthday always brings up stuff. emotional stuff, issues on the back burner. every year it is a time of evaluation and contemplation. this year feels like a particularly big year for looking deeply at my life and self. i've been asking big questions and looking ahead 10, 20 years.

where do i want to be? how do i want to feel about my life? my work? my body?

this cleanse is an opportunity to also let go of toxic ideas about me and all aspects of my life. i'll be writing about that here, as it becomes more clear.

how about you? does your birthday inspire contemplation?

cleanse report, day 3

2008-09-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

emotionally, i've never done well with deprivation diets. i don't believe in them actually. a cleanse isn't the same thing, but it does bring up some of the same issues. by afternoon yesterday, i was feeling a bit shaky and crabby. nothing for it except more water with green powder.

no chocolate. no popcorn. nothing crunchy and salty. yesterday felt a bit more like coming off a drug. i was experiencing withdrawals and i wasn't liking it.

day three was a bit challenging. i am realizing that getting just the right balance of nutrients is so important when you are limited in menu. forget one ingredient in your morning smoothie and it's not going to stick with you for long. it is a very interesting process, at least from the inside. hopefully you all reading aren't bored to tears!

it's all for my foot. i just keep thinking about the possibility that i could dance again in my life and that alone is keeping me going. losing a pound a day isn't hurting the motivation either. some hours of the day are very slow and about four in the afternoon is somehow the worst. i count the hours til bedtime and figure out my plan. what i shoould be doing after dinner is yoga, reading and mediation. what i am doing is watching tv, a complete toxic trip. but somehow it's hard to be 100% good, unless you do this at a retreat center. i am still easing into all parts of this.

by week two, i'll be getting it all right. baby steps.

today i am scheduled to be down in the pearl district, with a booth in the monthly street fair, selling my jewelry. at this moment, it just sounds awful. alot of energy, cold after dark, all that schlepping and for what? the chance that i will make some sales? i sold almost nothing the last time. my inventory is still a bit thin after the big show in august. and i had such a horrible, terrible night the last time i went, in july. the rudest people ever. i'm not sure i have the physical or emotional energy to do this right now.

i'm already feeling a bit pathetic and selling my lovingly crafted wares on the street might be the straw that broke the camel's back. if only i could do it for just 3 hours instead of 5, of which a full 2 are after dark. it's those last two hours that kill me.

i actually had a nightmare about it last night. can i take that as a sign?

so. my morning smoothie, which is so delicious (and sticks with you) is as follows:

Green Breakfast of Champions

in a blender, put the following:
1 avocado, peeled
large handful of fresh spinach
1 T. lemon flavor Carlson Cod Liver Oil ( yay for Omega-3!)
1 T. Spectrum cold press unrefined Coconut Oil
squeeze from 1/2 a fresh lime
1 cup (or so to make a good consistency) almond milk, unsweetened (I am making mine fresh but you can use commercial)
2 T. Supreme Meal, protein powder by Peaceful Planet (it is sprouted amaranth, millet & quinoa -really quite fabulous and yummiest protien powder I've ever tasted and I've had them all!)

blend until all is smooth and drink or eat in a bowl with a spoon like a cool soup. yum!

cleanse report, day 2

2008-09-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

day two was way, way, better than day one. thank heavens for that! i managed my six liters of water easily, although am still peeing more often than i'd like. maybe my bladder will stretch a bit?

there are signs already that the detox is happening. my face broke out, or instance. i knew this might happen, but it's still icky to deal with. i've had a few headaches, but nothing serious or lasting. yesterday i felt upbeat, solid energy and pretty content.

so far, i am feeling like it's a success. far better and easier than any other time i have tried my own version of a cleanse. i've lost 2 pounds and wasn't hungry at all yesterday. it's interesting, the nature of hunger. so much of it is either being dehydrated, of actually emotional hunger.

i know carb cravings are a sign i want to self-medicate. so during this cleanse, i am just observing that craving and seeing it for what it is. a habit, a crutch, something i don't really need.

there is an emotional detox happening as well. the book i am following talks about getting ready emotionally to release toxins from your mind and spirit. because toxic feelings and thoughts are part of what upsets the ph balance in your body. when you are stressed, or holding on to anger, or not dealing with something you know you should - those emotional states actually change the chemistry of your cells.

i'm learning that even if i do everything "right" in terms of foods and nutrition, deep healing can still escape me if my emotional realm is toxic.

of course i knew this. it's just hitting me differently this time.

which is not to say that i can't be angry or stressed, that i must keep some false cheerful going all the time. that would really suck the life out of me! just that holding on to things is where the long term damage is done. solving things quickly and cleanly is the best hope for staying away from the toxic zone in my emotional world.

when life delivers a plate with something like cancer, you have choices. going through the journey, i've been choosing to create better health that i had before cancer. i do think about it coming back. and i figure all i can do is this: live my best, healthiest life. take excellent care of my body and treat it as my temple. make it someplace that cancer can't survive.

that's the plan, folks.

cleanse report, day 1

2008-09-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

well, i knew it wouldn't be easy, this cleanse business. yesterday is exactly why i did not attempt this right after radiation. day one was a little rough, but i managed.

the rough part was really my fault, not having done all my shopping before i started. so i didn't have my ducks in a row as far as food. and i got hungry and headache-y. which i kind of expected, but still it didn't feel good. with most cleanses, if you can get through the first 2-3 days, you're fine. i've never managed to do just liquids longer than 3 days in the past. this time however, i am determined and am following a plan, not just winging it!

i only had a wheat grass powder sample pack that had been hanging around for my morning green drink and it was vile. that followed by a green smoothie that was so bitter i simply choked it down as well. a word on cucumbers. always taste them before you put them in the blender and use as the base for a smoothie. the bitter ones really ruin the rest of your ingredients. and no amount of vanilla flavored stevia will make it right. in fact, that addition just made things worse! also in the smoothie was hemp powder (which i love), almond milk (commercial variety) an avocado...and a few other things i threw in to try to save the thing.

i vowed to do better the next day. and i have. my green smoothie this morning was so delicious i thought, wow, i could drink this everyday! more on that recipe later.

by evening, i had myself set up and was able to make the soup you see above. quite delicious! and as the weather was unseasonable cool, it was great to have warm food in the evening. it's made from all fresh veggies and herbs, then blended so fine they become nearly creamy.

no joke, it is a challenge to get down nearly 6 liters of water each day. you have to work at it, that much doesn't just happen naturally. i did yesterday, however.

by 9:30 pm, i was happy to go to bed and be done with day one.

beginning the cleanse

2008-09-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

today is the official beginning of my body cleanse, a deep detox. i am going to be writing about it here with regularity and hope to make it the whole 14 days. i'd love to have you all follow along and cheer me on. maybe you'll get inspired or glean some ideas for your own healing journey!

i am following the ph miracle for weight loss, by robert young and his wife, shelley young. to prepare, in the past 8 weeks, i have read several books on the importance of ph balance in the body and have been learning alot about how having a too acidic body causes (or creates a perfect environment) for a host of problems and diseases. in fact, cancer cannot survive in a ph balanced system.

so my cleanse has a few purposes. to help prevent cancer by kicking off a new way of eating, to flush my system of acid wastes that cause, amounst other things, bone spurs and inflammation, and to drop the pounds i need to before my next surgery. in the last month, as i have prepared to begin the cleanse, i have dropped six pounds, just by making a few changes.

the biggest change is water. yes, simple water. the ph of your average tap water is about 5, which is acid. a balanced water is 7, and a water that will help heal and make the body less acidic and more alkaline - that water has a ph of 9 or more. even most bottled waters are actually creating a more acidic state in the body. so drinking the right water is important. and drinking enough of it! for my body weight, the program calls for drinking 6 liters of alkaline water a day...so far, i've made it up to 4 liters a day. i adjust the ph of all my water now with trace mineral drops, which adds extra oxygen and makes the water into a base instead of an acid.

chemistry anyone?

let me tell you, drinking this (good for you) water, and so much of it - really gives you energy and curbs your craving for sugar and protein. both of which have had too prominent a place in my diet. in fact, during rads, i was told to eat extra protein, up to 80 grams a day! this was to aid my cells with repair. i only began eating meat again about 3 years ago, after being veggie for 20 years. and my weight gain has all happened in that time. which is not to say i am going back to being a vegetarian. just that the ease of meat protein made me a lazy eater (understandable when you are busy working 3 jobs) and my ratio of veggies to protein got out of whack.

if you are really interested in the program i am following (with the help of my doctor) then do a little goggling on ph balance. i am sure i won't cover the concept in depth here enough for anyone to be convinced. but i'd like to chronicle the experience for myself and share it with you all.

a couple of things jumped out at me when i started reading about this ph balance stuff. one, that having a too acidic system and blood will cause inflammation in the intestine that blocks nutrients from being absorbed. my doctor and i have been trying to figure out how i could be taking so many supplements and eating to reduce my chronic inflammation in my heel and arms, yet have so much continuing pain and problems. it just doesn't add up. two, that over and over in different sources, i have read that cancer cells cannot survive in an alkaline environment. and three, that if your body is too acidic, it will hold on to fat to protect itself from that acid.

there may be some of you shaking your heads about now and thinking i am crazy. it's ok. when you read about the ph balance diet, you see that it's a healthy diet no one could argue with. lots of fresh raw veggies, healthy fats like fish oil for omega-3, a 70/30 split between raw and cooked foods. complex carbs, low sugar, no processed foods. eat more fish and less red meat. drink lots of good water.

it's really incredibly sensible. the alkaline water is the most radical thing, really. and so far, it's working.

so the cleanse itself is called a "liquid feast", a fancy term for an all liquids diet for two weeks. don't worry, there is soup as well. i won't be starving at all. I'll be keeping you posted as i go, so do stay tuned. it will be interesting if nothing else.

ok, i've got some serious water to drink!

apartment detox, first report

2008-08-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

progress has been made, my friends. this week, i have managed to rest some and get some significant projects around my apartment resolved. my new motto is: get rid of the stupid. i am looking at home projects with new eyes. if i haven't done anything with it in over six months, i have to either a) finish it, or b) get rid of it.

early in the week i finished a project that had been taking up space and sucking energy in my living room for two years. it feels so, so good to complete it! above is a photo of the piece finished. looks simple, i know. i had this concept after picking up these four cool 1950's door panels at a local salvage place. i would stain the wood dark to match my couch and suspend them from the ceiling to create an "entryway" in my apartment. it's always bothered me that my ground floor apartment, which opens up right onto the street (ok, four steps down) has no sense of transition from public to private space. the living & dining are all one big 14 x 22 ft room, so when someone comes to the door, boom! there is your life for all to see.

despite telling part of my life story on the internet, i am really quite a private person.

well, finally the light bulb went off on this project. i could skip staining the wood (i have several colors of wood in the room anyway) and just by getting a few hinge pins, the existing hinges would connect the panels into sets of two. wow, i was on a roll. a few brass straps screwed the two sets together in the middle and suddenly, like magic, i had a screen with ends that folded in and stood up by itself! immediately, the room became more cozy and each time i came in the front door, i smiled with the pleasure of seeing that screen.

finished is better than perfect. it's a stretch for me to embrace this, but it's also making me much, much happier. detoxing is wonderful for the spirit.

i then moved on to my office and a long day was spent at ikea, measuring and plotting. that is a story for another day, when i have fabulous "before" and "after" pictures to show.

detox, stage one

2008-08-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

the temperature outside has been hovering around 100 degrees the past few days here in portland. a creative combination of small air conditioner and fans is keeping me comfortable here inside. slowly, i have been recovering. fed by silence, good sleep and many hours laying on the couch. i'm reading a bit as well. a well rounded selection: some humor, some health and some spirituality. i'm preparing for a major body and spirit cleanse. i'll be writing more on that process as it unfolds.

today i felt energetic enough to start a bit of cleaning and organizing in my home office/painting studio. my hodge-podge of furniture isn't really serving the space well at all. i'm purging the extra pieces out and looking for more stylish space savers to suit my duel purposes.

before my move west, i lived in a small town where i could afford to own a house. an adorable three bedroom house, with a sun room, full basement and 2-stall garage. you can imagine the abundance of space this afforded for just me and my little dog. we spread out. i had a different room set up as a studio for many mediums. a metals space, a painting space, for a while a fiber studio. a bit of photography in the basement. all that for the price of a studio apartment in the portland rental market today!

yet, i am so grateful for the space i have now, to be honest. it's a glorious 800 square foot apartment and i have free storage in the basement. loads of closets, really. the only problem is the furniture i had in my former house didn't need to be compact or efficient. it only needed to look cool. and fit in my truck to take it home.

so i think it is time to say goodbye to a few things. and open the door to a few new possibilities, new ways to operate and organize.

i am ready to clear the clutter, to tighten up the edges. an apartment detox, i'm calling it.

i'm back

2008-08-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

oh my. what a time it was. so many layers, some so sweet and light, others bitter and hard to digest. this festival i attended as a craft vendor is like a concentrated version of life. from dramatic rain storms to bright sun, from softest hugs to the tightest emotional tension.

abundance is amplified. relationships are magnified, including the weak spots. it is intense to say the least.

the best part? my sales were wonderful. i am thrilled! and now my dry cup is refilled, i can breathe easier for a while. hopefully that while is long enough to really catch my breath, deeply heal my body and nurture my business in ways that will ensure strong growth.

let's put our positive intention there, shall we?

another best part? the wonderful women i connected with. such a sweet outpouring of love and support. i was shocked at the number of women that had been lurking here on this blog and other places where i have written about the turnip. they approached me with such soft energy, such a steady understanding and so much compassion. i felt my circle expand, stretch to into new places and hold me perfectly. wow. i am so thankful for the gift of those smiles, soft hugs and generous purchases. thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!

i feel the wheel turning, slowly gaining speed. there is a shift coming in me, in my broken body and hurting heart. healing. true healing is on the horizon. i can almost see it. i feel newly hopeful for that, even as i survey the wreckage of what this last few weeks has brought. my heel is worse, way worse. it's forcing me to rest. damn. there's that pesky silver lining. i am looking at it, appreciating it. my arms are aching, i want to write and write, but i know it's not the best choice for my body.

i'm taking a break from the studio, i have to. next week, all rest. i plan on doing some nesting in my apartment. maybe a trip to ikea, some simple items for some simple organizing.

i'm very glad to have this event behind me. and even more glad to have this future before me.

off and away

2008-08-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

just the shortest of posts to say: i'm off to the woods for 8 days. the big craft fair i mentioned is upon me now, my plane takes off early sunday morning. so i must get to bed.

my internet was down for long periods this week, so i intended to write here, but was thwarted each time i tried, and now have simply run out of time.

but i will tell you all that i am much better than i was at my last post. your comments and encouragement was so heartening, thank-you. i am feeling calmer and happier in spirit, although the body is still failing me right and left. my heel is so more pain than it has been in a month, with all my rushing around getting ready. simply too many hours on my feet. it doesn't take much to make things worse in the area.

i'll be back next week and hopefully with lots of good stories from the event. fingers crossed for record sales and great weather.

til then~

playing it safe for now

2008-07-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling a little better today. sunday, when i wrote my last post, was a hard day overflowing with tears. i am worn out from the release, but lighter in spirit too. i faced a difficult personal confrontation and it went much better than i could have hoped for. the good result is a big chunk of nasty stress i have been carrying around for weeks is now dissipated. whew.

and then there is this: a couple of weeks ago i tried to start dating again. i thought it would be healthy to put myself out there and try, just try to connect with someone new. i guess from the standpoint of trying, it was a successful experiment. from the standpoint of, um, other desired results, it was a flop. we met through a personals site, the first date seemed to go swimmingly. i was pleasantly surprised! there was easy conversation and even some promising chemistry, i thought. we planned a second date. it too, went well. although i was having a hard time reading her signals. something wasn't quite connecting.

after that second date only one thing was clear. dating was stressing me out, the anxious feelings wondering if she likes me like that, worrying over how i look, trying to put on a happy face when i'm in pain and so crabby...whew, that was all too much. we planned a third date but didn't make it that far. she called and said can we just be friends instead?

that's when it hit me, how very thin my skin is at this moment in time. i don't have the emotional chops for this dating adventure. i immediately listed in my head all the things wrong with me right now, all the reasons i am not attractive and honestly, dear readers? it made sense. why would anyone want to date me right now? i am a mess with a capitol m.

if there was any positive from the experience of trying to date, its just that through getting rejected, i realized how angry i am. it opened the door for me to really sink into my sense of loss. and i know now i am not ready to date. i think i need to get to a place (or at least much closer to a place) where i'd actually like to date myself before tossing it all out there for someone else. dating can be a discouraging, brutal process in the best of circumstances. when i have my A game on, i am pretty good at it.

right now, i don't have a game going at all. so i'm not going to even try to play.

and that makes me sad and mad, too. i feel like i have wasted so many years just working all the damn time. not going out, not having enough fun, certainly not enjoying my healthy body when i had one. after cancer, i feel like i need to make up for lost time and fast! i am turning 42 in september, for heavens sake. in many ways, i feel like i wasted my 30's being single and keeping my nose to the grindstone.

will i ever get my body back? not the one i had, certainly. one i can live with and love with? i sure hope so.

thanks for your encouraging and affirming comments, friends. it's good to be heard.

the endless horizon

2008-07-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

it's my body that is the problem. the pain is there, my disease manifest there in the cells, the soft tissue, the muscles. i am angry at it all. i am sick and tired of healing, of being a patient. fed up with being the woman with all this shit broken in my body. i just want to be healed NOW, to be done, to move on and over and past all this. i can't even walk away from it, let alone run. and i am angry enough to run long and far.

as i explained yesterday, it's not just the cancer. it is these other conditions that seem to have no end in sight. when will i be healed from this weak arm and this disabled foot? why do i have to deal with them now, when i am so fragile from all the cancer bullshit of the past few months? don't i deserve a break in this life?

holy hell, will i ever get to dance again?

it feels like the joy is sucked out of life. pain and an endless horizon of more treatment, more time, more waiting, more babying my body...there is too much to see beyond. i don't know if it will ever really be better. i am too young for this. to young to give up enjoying my body and just live through my mind and heart. too young to wear only comfort shoes by day and wrist braces to bed every night. too young to give up feeling empowered, feeling sexy.

i want dancing. and sex. and freedom to move through the world . i want pleasure, not pain.

my mom tells me gently that i have been angry for months. she is most likely right. i didn't realize it until recently. i was so busy dealing with treatment and scrambling to make ends met every month that i buried those dark feelings. they pop out around people i know well. here on the blog, i've tried to tap into the fruits of my experience, to mine the lessons. i have wanted to feel there was some value to all my suffering. some gain.

now, i touch the loss. i am feel the texture of it and weigh it in my hands. in my heel. in my breasts. i have healed so much emotional damage in my life. clearly i am not afraid of hard work. i am in fact working really hard at healing. but the anger thwarts me.

this. this is beating me down. i am exhausted by it. the injustice grips my heart and doesn't let go. i just wish there was a place i could escape from all of the loss, a place to put it outside the door and be free for an hour, even. i've thought of relief just dying now would bring. yes, i have thought of it, but don't give that "out" serious consideration.

oh, dammit all to hell!

angry, not pretty

2008-07-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

i haven't written for several reasons. one, i don't have much good to say. two, my arms and shoulder are really in pain right now from aggravated tendinitis. this arm pain making typing difficult and i need to save all i can for my studio. and three, i am just in the thick of production for this big show and my "internet energy" is quite low.

angry. angry is how i've been feeling lately.

my skin feels thin. my resistance to stress isn't strong. my emotional immune system is compromised.

i have two chronic conditions that have flared up quite painfully in the past several weeks. being in pain usually makes me depressed (ok, i am depressed, but medicated) yet lately the pain is just making me so angry. i want to scream from the rooftops - it all seems so unfair.

in the past three years, i've spent months and months in pain, trying to heal first the arm issue and then the heel. i have a bone spur on my heal which makes even walking just awful. it was nearly better after 8 months of working on healing last year. then the cancer and months of being sedentary. when i finally got back to exercise, i walked slowly, i wasn't crazy about it. i was doing pretty well at the beginning of may. then i got some treatment from a chiropractor that seemed to irritate the heel, followed by going to my dear friend's wedding and dancing just to 3 songs. it was a mess after that. but really, what kind of life is it when you cannot dance at your friend's wedding? that makes me so mad!

mad at my body for failing me. mad at myself for not being healthy, for letting my job(s) be more important than my health for so long. mad at the waste of it all.

for months i've tried to look at and write about what i was gaining from this cancer experience. i didn't even know how angry i was.

angry is not pretty. it is not sympathetic. who wants to read about angry?

a dear friend told me this week it doesn't matter what anyone wants to read. i need to write it, the ugly stuff, the unsavory. so i am writing about loss. not what i've learned from the cancer experience, (hell, from all my shitty health problems). but what i have lost. what i lose on a daily basis.

i think i will make a list. tune in tomorrow for more.

all questions, no easy answers

2008-07-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

i have to admit it, i have been a bit discouraged of late. an abysmal evening last week really took the wind out of my sails (and sales) in the little ship that is my jewelry business. i spent the greater part of the holiday weekend just asking myself "what the fuck am i doing with my life?!" the little high i was on last time i posted blew way in the warm wind of 1st thursday's art stroll.

you know, the multiple health problems that have arisen in the last 3 years can be traced to working too hard, pushing on when i should rest. but i couldn't. to be single and self-supporting, to work 2 jobs and start a business - that recipe is composed of work, sacrifice and focus.

is it worth the price i've paid in my health?

this past weekend i pondered that. things got dark in my heart. i thought about the kind of shape i am in now with my body and good heavens was i even going to make it to 60? and beyond? i'll care for my mother when she gets too old or sick to care for herself. but who will care for me? you can see, dear readers how ugly things got in my head.

when i quit my job last fall and got a business loan to launch into my business full time, it was with the plan that i would give it all i've got for a year. if i wasn't seeing significant progress then, i would reconsider this path.

ah, the best laid plans. cancer doesn't care about your plans, how much money you have, the state of your relationships. you just wake up one day and there it is. moved in to your life without so much as a "how you doing?" rude bastard, cancer.

so now as i stood in this fork in the road and wondered...do i like this very hard life i've made? should i choose an easier path, take the road of employee, not boss? would that fit me?

i'm not sure how or when to measure my business now. i lost so many months, so much money. my business loan became a health loan. either way, i am behind and it must be paid back, every month. sometimes literally everything feels uphill, both ways.

don't we all just long for some ease in our lives?

i'm within seven weeks of the one-year mark. the date i got the loan. i go off to a big festival where i vend my jewelry in a 6-day art fair in just four weeks. i worry (even though it changes nothing) that the show won't be lucrative enough, that the struggling economy will mean that folks steer clear of buying jewelry. i feel like i need a miracle, actually.

on a positive note, i joined a gym and am working out. my heel continues to give me pain, so using the machines at the gym is much better than walking outside on the pavement.

as i am posting less regularly here now, please do subscribe to the RSS feed (link in sidebar) so that you'll get a little message when i post. and feel free to check in over at my main blog, where i post 4-5 days a week. it's here.

paying it forward

2008-06-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

many of you have been reading here at turnip for months. you've followed my bumpy, emotional journey through breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, you've heard me crash over and over. you've also stood witness to me rebuilding my life. it's been a wave pattern of finding my way, losing my calm, locating my center.

this is life. up, down. storms and calm seas. cocooning and blooming.

i'm feeling all that stuff, those cycles on a daily basis. stabs of panic, washes of love. it's all still happening. the cycles seem to move quicker these days, maybe because my days are moving quicker. i feel like i am back to working all the time and struggling to figure out how to rest, how to best renew my body and spirit.

you know, i was raised to be a worker, not a rester. it's not the healthiest legacy.

i've made a choice today to do something i've thought of for a long while. become a lender at kiva.org. people have been so generous with donations to me through all my cancer days. and each month, the universe continues to provide. through sales of my jewelry, i am slowly and steadily catching up. it might seem counter intuitive to loan money to others when i have so much debt, and indeed a business loan of my own that i am struggling to make payments on. i guess it's a practice of trust. by making this small loan to someone else, i trust that what i need will be there for me. and it's irresistible - because at kiva program, the loans are so needed and the amounts are so small yet make such a difference.

i am committing to loaning $25 this month to an entrepreneur in the developing world. if you'd like to join me, i've added a link to the profile of the borrower in my sidebar. my first loan is going to a group of women in guatemala who will use the funds to buy thread and other supplies for their embroidery business. do go check out their profile and i bet you'll be as inspired as i am!

the image at the top of this post can be found here and says:

"everything changed the day she figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life"

i think that quote has got to be true of money, too. that there is exactly enough money for the important things. today, i am breathing that in and letting it be true.

wobbly with relief

2008-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

ah, my dear faithful readers, thank-you for hanging in here with me! i am exhausted and my brain is a bit wobbly, but the business plan is done. yes, the first version has been sent in for review and i am so happy, so relieved.

i've been working with a local branch of mercy corps, called mercy corps northwest, on the nuts and bolts of starting my business. they exist to serve low-income people in portland who want to be entrepreneurs. so 18 months ago i took their small business class and a year ago, was accepted into the wonderful IDA saving grant program. over the course of this past 12 months, i've been putting away small amounts of money into a special fund and they've matching my contributions 3 to 1.

pretty amazing, right?

the catch? oh, yes there has to be a catch. i have to turn in my finished business plan and have it approved before i can access the funds...which have now grown to $3,600! these funds can only be used on capitol improvements for my business, like studio equipment. i'm very excited to get all this new equipment, much of which i have chosen because it will make production both easier on my body and allow me to take on more wholesale orders.

oh, and the additional pressure? yes, of course there has to be an additional pressure situation! i am going to do a huge retail art fair in just 5 weeks and still have tons of jewelry to make. in the past, this show has made up 1/3 of my annual income, so it's pretty important. and...yes, i need some key pieces of equipment to get all this work done. equipment i can only buy after the grant monies are released, after the business plan is approved.

thank heavens that plan is now done, (at least until they send back the first version with suggestions and edits). fingers crossed that process is quick and the revision is minor.

last week after i wrote, i lost a huge chunk of my work in a computer glitch, i was within just a few hours of finishing. oh, the screaming and tears! you wouldn't have liked to see it. i was beside myself. but there was nothing to do but brush myself off and start again.

i did take one day off on this past sunday, a special road-trip with a group of dear friends that had been planned for a long while. we drove out to the wine country (it's world-class here in oregon) and met wine makers, tasted all sorts of yummy wines and had a glorious picnic up on a hill, looking over fields of vines with mountains in the distance. the weather was perfect, the company fine...a really lovely day.

i needed that rejuvenation and got up monday morning ready to tackle the last piece of writing. that last piece, the financial piece, took all day! can you believe that i was still in my pajamas at 6:45 at night? i finally clicked "save" on my finished plan, stood up from the computer like a mole coming out into the light and got dressed so i could go find some food.

what a wonder that i have this level of energy, just 12 weeks after finishing radiation treatment! pretty amazing when you think of where i was, how tired and discouraged i was in march. i hoped i would bounce back like this. how blessed i feel to be doing this well, to be doing this much at my 12 week anniversary.

how very, very blessed.

help me, i'm melting!

2008-06-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

oh dear. i did have quite a melt-down yesterday. felt as if the top of my head burst and all my brains formed an gooey puddle around me. it's the business plan, kicking my ass. hard.

the process brings up all sorts of questions, which lead to doubts and pretty soon I'm in some sort of duel to the death with the devil. or at least the part of my brain playing the devil's advocate. hopefully he's died a messy death in the explosion yesterday!

some of you must have gone through this process. it's as hard as ten term-papers, yet more important. people with money, those investors i need to say yes, yes, yes. this is the plan to gain their support.

of course, i am trying to make it too perfect. damn that attention to detail.

really, i told myself yesterday afternoon, all i need right now is the first draft. try to think of it as a work in progress. granted, one that has taken over my life. but maybe that is fitting, after all i am writing my life. it's a plan for creating a life worth living, a plan for making a good life for me and a host of people who will work with me.

perhaps this birth should be painful, it's the way of nature.

so i took something to ease the pain last night, two glasses of red wine and an excellent dinner. salmon, asparagus, wild rice. it felt so good to cook for myself without effort, just like i used to. i noticed the change, as i was making the food. i noticed that it felt easy. what a lovely shift from the past few months, when planning and preparing food has been such a struggle.

i am sorry to be such a spotty writer here of late. i am trying for once a week, as i miss it when i don't write. and it feels as if my circle has floated away now that i'm out of serious crisis mode. that's the illusion i used to live under, that i was alone. i need to keep fresh that feeling that you all are still standing around me, that my circle of support is intact and strong as ever. weeks of radio silence here and on my other blog has made me a little twitchy, i'll admit.

our summer weather is a tease here in the northwest and frankly, i'm just sick of it. i want the ease of warm days, one after another! but i hope where you are is all golden and warm and relaxing. check back next week, i'll hopefully be reporting on a fully finished business plan.

war, what is it good for?

2008-06-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

ah, the sun is finally shining and where am i? inside, writing. still writing. a business plan is a long and complex project. each part seems to have a sticky place, a veil of fear i must screw up my courage to part it and walk through. so i am, walking through. getting it done.

a friend called me this week to say she'd just been given a cancer diagnoses. she wanted to see what advice i had. there was about 1,000 things i could have shared, of course. but to start, it all boils down to: do you trust your doctor? and find the best possible care your insurance will cover. hope for the best outcome, plan for the worst. surround yourself with experts.

oh, good god we live on a poisoned planet! it makes me want to scream! and it's not just the air, soil, water, either. it's poisoned mindsets and hearts. we live in a culture of war. have you noticed that whatever our leaders declare war on - it gets worse?

see the war on drugs, the war on cancer, the war on terrorism.

the language of war is everywhere. the cancer world i've been living in is full of it. it is a fake and forced-cheerful language rife with violence and hate. from fuck cancer hats to i made cancer my bitch t-shirts to daily stories of celebrities who are fighting a battle with cancer. cancer has become the ultimate enemy, the thing we do everything in our power to kill, kill, kill. all of the traditional medicine solutions to cancer treatment work to attack and kill it. and just like any war, there are civilian casualties as well. surgery, chemo and radiation kill healthy cells too.

the body pays a price.

as i recover from treatment, i've been feeling the weight of that price. not that i regret radiation so much, but it was like choosing between two regrets. i knew i would wonder did i do the right thing? either way, in the end, i decided i would wonder more if i didn't do the radiation. i am recovering nicely, by the way. each week brings better energy and a feeling that i am more like myself.

a thoughtful reader of this blog, who has since become a friend, noticed early on that i didn't use the language of war in writing about my experience. she sent me a great book, "speak the language of healing: living with breast cancer without going to war". it's written by four women with breast cancer and offers an alternative way to relate to the disease -a loving way to experience any kind of disease, really. i always assume that when bad things happen to us, there is a possibility it can teach us something. if we are open to learning. of course, there is a danger that we can view things like cancer as being "taught a lesson" by life, or god, or whatever is greater than ourselves.

a recent article in the new york times, thumbs up is no comfort, talks about our cultural approach to serious illness and what pressure there is to go into battle, suck up your negative feelings and flash that thumbs up to reassure people you are ok. even when you are not ok. i found the link through one of my favorite blogs, aiming for grace. she has an eloquent response to the issues raised in the article, do take a moment to go and read it.

turnip for me has been a place to fall apart all these months and you out there reading have allowed me to feel, process and become ok with how i experience breast cancer. everyone has to find their own way through illness and difficulty in this life. it's been such an incredible blessing for me to have you helping to hold this space of healing. it's been a while since i said thank-you. yet i think it daily, how grateful i am for you, following my story.

thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. these shabby words can't say it strongly enough.

this is a ramble today!

new normal: busy makes happy

2008-06-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

let me assure you, my friends, that i have been writing. busy as a bee, tapping away at my keyboard for hours. just not here at turnip! i was absolutely consumed with writing about honey & milk on my other blog when i got back from my trip, then that led to starting on my business plan...

which is nothing short of a miracle, really.

i have literally been trying to write my business plan for three years. start and stop. mostly stopped up, stuck. then about a week ago, movement. this incredible burst of energy started me off and it's just been flowing beautifully!

whatever is the change? why now and not before? i had a light bulb moment the other day. i realized that i couldn't write my business plan before because i was trying to write one for a business i didn't really want. a business that i saw as a means to an end, not my life's work, not my highest vision. i'm going to be writing about this thought in more detail soon. so if you're confused, please do catch up over on found object and click on "honey & milk" in the sidebar to read about it.

but once i articulated what i really want and published it on found object, bam! the ball started rolling. i literally started to get a flow of orders and sales on both my websites. talk about the power of getting out of your own way.

whoa, baby! this horse is ready to run.

each week my energy is growing and i am feeling more like i am stepping into the life i want. all sorts of thoughts and ideas are flourishing and i feel more flexible and positive about the future than i have in a long, long time. just that feeling alone is intoxicating.

so, have i made it to the zen center? no. but i have been doing mini-meditations while sitting on my exercise ball and centering my core. for some strange reason, this works. i have to concentrate to stay on the ball, which strengthens my body's core and also gives a focus point for meditation. going to the zen center feels like medicine right now. good for me, but not really joyful. and i feel so sick and tired of "treatment". so i either don't go right now, or work on seeing it differently. i am beginning to work on seeing it differently. there is a huge amount of inertia to overcome, but i will.

for instance, today was day one of riding my bike to the studio. my foot & heel problems have painfully flared back up, so walking isn't an option. but i am not going to be beat by that, fuck feeling like a broken old lady. i am going to do what i can, so i will bike for transportation as much as possible. i spent hours while recovering from the second surgery gluing rhinestones on my bike helmet in beautiful patterns. i'm thinking soon i might just paint my bike sparkly green as well.

you gotta make it fun, right? what are you doing this week for joy? tell me, please.

i'm sorry to be quiet here for so long. the good news is, i've been busy and feeling better all the time. diving back into the studio, running my business and being active has kept me happy and occupied.

by the way, for any of you out there doing the abundance checks practice, tomorrow june 3 is the day!

traveling and sitting still

2008-05-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

home again, home again, boy that feels good! my own soft bed and snuggly dog, quiet mornings and little green car. yet going away was wonderful too. six days of talking and laughing with my big, loving family and a few precious friends. what a tonic! my love cup is full to overflowing and i finally got the daily recommended number of hugs.

there is something really powerful about a good long hug from people that have known and loved you since forever. i'm smiling just thinking of it.

it was important, this trip.

two dear people, my friends for ten years, got married and i was witness to that magical day. the bride worn jewelry i made just for her wedding day. when the groom got teary-eyed at the beginning of the ceremony, i started crying too. after so many months of thinking about me and crying about my troubles, it was so good to cry happy tears.

for my family it was important to see me, to touch me and verify in person that after all this cancer crap, the surgeries and radiation treatment - i was ok. i was in one piece and ok.

my young nieces and nephews are such gems. eleven kids, from ages three to thirteen, all busy with their ideas and questions, with their art and sports and music. i loved reading books with the smallest ones curled in my arms. i loved teasing my nephew who is starting high school next fall.

i had a few hours on the plane there and back to write in my journal and think. it's a different kind of processing than i tend to do when on land. being on an airplane is a strange act of faith. you're flying, captured in a bubble for four hours without escape. it's a good time to meditate, a good time to let things just float for a while. after all, nothing on the ground can really be done, or solved while in the air.

i bought the book, a new earth, by eckhart tolle in the airport on my way to chicago. it made for good reading in small doses, bits just big enough to soak in. already, i feel some healing happening in my spirit.

i was writing today over on my other blog, found object, on how some big ideas grew out of the time i had my first round of breast cancer, the turnip from 2001. as i wrote, a truth was revealed to me with stunning clarity. it's as if i had the answer, written in my own hand, stuck on my back and i couldn't see it. i couldn't reach around and pluck that note off my back and read it until today.

today, i remembered what i did to heal my spirit after the first cancer. when i told you the story here before, i left out an important chapter. now that it's become clear again, i can't believe i forgot it.

the summer following my first turnip, i learned to meditate.

first, i went on a mostly silent retreat to gambo abby in nova scotia. it's high on a lonely cliff, overlooking a ocean wild with wind. ravens caw and prayer flags flap. it's of place of raw beauty, where i finally found compassion for myself for the first time in my life. the place of real stillness opened up inside me and i was able to rest for periods of time, free from the chatter in my brain. that was two extraordinary weeks, living with the monks and nuns.

then i went on for another three weeks to the mountain shambhala center in colorado, almost on the continental divide. i worked on the crew that was finishing an incredible sacred structure, the great stupa of dharmakaya. it wasn't a silent experience, but it was equally intense as my time at the abby.

those weeks were healing in a way that no therapy had ever been. it was hard emotional work. only through a mediation practice have i been able to learn compassion, in particular compassion for myself. therapy is a valuable tool, but it's part of the busy mind. as evidenced by my writing here, my busy mind is eager to run away with thoughts and feelings...to spin them over and over again.

we all do that with our stories. we all get stuck in our minds.

i didn't make it to the zen center yet, but i will soon. another couple of days and i will be caught up on the work that piled up while i was gone. a couple more good nights of sleep and i'll be rested after the jam packed week of traveling.

stepping out of fear

2008-05-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

well, my dear friends, there is big news over on my other blog today. i'm stepping out into the world with my business in a new way, with a new name. check it out right here. it's exciting and i am thrilled to be lining up my business name with positive intention and abundance.

what's in a name? for me, hopefully an clear indication of the future.

i was into panic mode when i wrote my last post here. it comes and goes like the wind. i should know by now that getting scared and shutting down, looking at choices as black & white - that isn't who i essentially am. that is my bullshit, my baggage. i would sure like it to be my past! for all those messy, nasty fears to stay in the past. but i think i've got to just make peace with them. judging myself harshly for being scared is just compounding the problem.

a friend wrote to me last week about the latest book by eckhart tolle called the new earth. she was burning to send me a copy and i was so caught up in my crappy state of mind, i said, oh no. just bring me your copy when we meet in august, there's no rush. ah, what a wise friend. she reads this blog and sees that i need the teachings of that book to bring me back to grace. (thank-you, h.) so, in my typical fashion, this weekend i read an article about the book in oprah's magazine and immediately felt better. for about the 1,000th time, i saw my busy, panic-driven mind for what it was. not me, the real me, but just my busy, panic-driven mind. and, i realized something that has been poking at me for months and months as well. what my life is missing is stillness. mediation is the tonic i need, not talk therapy. i've had plenty of that in this lifetime. and my talking-processing type of therapy is really happening here on turnip.

thanks for listening, by the way. *cringe* -you all are so good to me!

it's time to return to the zen center. time to set up a place of uncluttered stillness in my home and get back to practice. because i do know from past experience that in the present moment, each moment i am truly present, fear floats away and my abundant mind expands. this was part of my intention when i quit my day job, to return to a sustaining spiritual practice.

i'm taking off early tomorrow morning for michigan. a dear old friend is getting married and i will be visiting my family as an added bonus. after these past few months, it will be especially wonderful to snuggle my sweet nieces and nephews. i may get a chance to write while away, but am not planning on it.

til then, talk amongst yourselves.

evidence of abundance

2008-05-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

first order of business: the back is way, way better. it took quite a bit longer to heal than this impatient, sick-of-being-a-patient would like. but thankfully, it is nearly 100%. i am so grateful to a new chiropractor of mine who is a miracle worker. i asked the universe for a female practitioner, under my insurance plan, less than two miles from my home and with an opening to treat me nearly immediately. seems like a rather tall order, doesn't it?

amazingly, the universe delivered the perfect chiropractor for my needs. huge sigh of relief.

thank-you for all your concerned comments and support, i really appreciate it.

a couple of weeks ago, i was panicking about my business, about the rapidly dwindling bank account and wringing my hands in a perfectly inefficient manner over however was i going to make it?

i had a couple of sessions with the colon hydrotherapy and started walking everyday and badaboom! things looked different. in fact, nothing had changed except how i was looking at my life. the bank account was still frightening, the post office was still delivering bills in a tireless fashion. i just snapped out of my deprivation mind set and rediscovered my abundance mind set.

i'm here to report, i am holding steady. abundance, abundance, abundance. let's say it all together now. a chant in the back of the brain. how wonderful it would be if i could get all those crazy monkeys in there to chant the good stuff, the messages i am trying to believe with all my being!

funny thing is, when i look at the evidence, i see that believing in abundance does seem to work. the chant, (along with actions like marketing my jewelry & going to the studio) appears to inspire sales. or, sales follow a change in my mind set. sounds so freaking easy when i write it down like that.

yet the stark reality is, i have only enough in savings to cover a couple of months at the most. sales may continue to increase and business expand into a comfortable income...but what if it doesn't? so i am brought to this:

i've been pondering getting another job, one that provided health insurance. i'm wondering if i do that, does that mean i am failing at my business? would i be letting down all the people that have been inspired by my journey this past year? yet, i am so weary of struggle. for the last few years, with two jobs and my business, it was a struggle to take care of myself well and i became very socially isolated. since november, with just one part time job and my full time business, it's been a struggle to survive financially and pay my bills. oh, wait. yeeees. there was also that whole breast cancer thing for months and months. my health insurance premium just increased by $45 a month. the weight of carrying all that feels too heavy for just me many days.

truth is, i don't want to have to choose between living a healthy, balanced life and being able to make a living. it's hard to sort out the right path at this point. i don't know how my leap into doing my business full time would have gone if the cancer chapter had never been written. would i be making it right now and living the life i imagined, the life i planned so carefully?

i sure like to think so.

oh, my back!

2008-05-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

i'll only write a few words, just to update you. on tuesday some over-enthusiastic jumping first thing in the morning before stretching, produced a strained back, which has had me in pain and not able to do much this week. forget walking long distances. forget having a booth with my jewelry at 1st thursday last night. (bitter disappointment there) and forget sitting and typing for long.

i'm resting, using ice packs round the clock and yesterday saw a new chiropractor. so i will mend, i am mending. but it is slow. hopefully you will see me back here in just a few days, will all sorts of inspiring stories.

sometimes i just cannot understand why my body won't play nice with me!

11,000 steps closer

2008-04-28T17:18:00.001-07:00

darling readers, dear friends...thank you all for the comments. it's so good to reaffirm you are out there! knowing you are reading keeps me inspired to keep writing.

i am continuing the trend towards happier days and more energy. whew. it feels as if perhaps, just maybe, i have turned a corner. almost five weeks out from the end of radiation and finally, the corner. surely not the last one, as i am still not 100%, but with sure and steady steps, one after another, i will return to myself.

if any of you are thinking perhaps you want to exercise more, please do get a pedometer. it's such fun to see how many steps one can make in a day. my personal range has been from 1,500 (a very slow day of lots of rest and sitting at the computer) to a day like today, where i walked to the studio and back, then walked to the bank and post office, a couple short walks with the dog and viola! i am now at 11,000 steps! that is my highest day yet and it equates to nearly 4 miles.

the daily goal is 10,000 steps and for now, to get there at least 4 days a week.

walking to a destination is so much better than walking around the track. if i walk to the studio then i am stuck and i must walk home again. for certain i would not walk on the track for over an hour, it's too boring!

as i think of you here, the circle of love and support that surrounds me, i know i am lucky. i picture you all out there in your home turfs, walking or running. we know we are connected by a common joy in the beauty of spring and the pleasure of moving ever closer to better health.

i hope my 11,000 steps inspires you! thank you for sticking with me.

are the stars out tonight?

2008-04-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

the stars have aligned for you, my readers of turnip! a rare thing has happened. i am having a great day and have time to write. yes, it's true. i have good days, too. seems like i've been writing posts on the rougher ones, however. sometimes i worry you all have drifted away and are no longer reading. i wonder if collectively you've just had to move on to more uplifting pastures.

there are no shortage of blogs to read, as you know!

but then, do i write for me? or do i write for you? turnip is really only useful in my life if i stick to the honest facts and feelings. so i guess knowing you are reading helps me come back again and again to tell my story.

so, um, are you out there? is it nice where you are? tell me about it, please.

can you tell i'm a little sassy today? what is that? someone is feeling better. nothing is really changed in my life, except my two sessions of colon hydrotherapy were very, er, productive. it was a brilliant detox and i think the emotional & mental release has been no less dramatic than the physical one. some of you are no doubt thinking that sounds good, but must have been uncomfortable. actually, for me it was lovely. a big ole zen pooping experience, one might say. it's quite amazing to get rid of toxic stuff that has been hanging around for possibly years.

after the second one i actually felt like the little pig in the movie babe (a great favorite of mine) when he stands in the sunshine and sings la la la la la la. it must be that feeling tired and shitty for so long means you are much more sensitive to feeling good. when it hits, like yesterday, watch out, baby!

today i got up at 7am, nearly 2 hours earlier than i've been managing of late. i jumped in the car and went to the lab to have blood drawn for some tests (had to be fasting) and was back home by 7:45. wow, i was falling over myself, eating breakfast before 8 and out the door walking to my studio before 10. yes, i said walking to my studio. which i now know the distance one-way is 1.5 miles, or 4,200 steps and took me 35 minutes.

it was actually quicker than i thought it would be and i am so proud of myself. i got alot accomplished at the studio. then came home this afternoon to start a batch of yogurt, eat a late lunch and take a little nap.

as i write this at 7pm, i just peeked at my pedometer and it said 9,435 steps!

now that is a good day. oh, and it wasn't rainy today, either. thanks, mother nature for giving me a break today, i really needed it.

wandering and yes, a bit lost

2008-04-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

i've been so busy this past week, no time for writing. and now i find myself at a bit of a loss. how to really describe the ups and downs of my days? it's small joys, like a wonderful surprise gift in the mail from half-way across the world and also it's huge dips into the well, sleeping for hours.

i pushed myself. too hard, in the end. 3 doctors appointments. 2 networking group meetings. 1 new yoga class. oh, and i made 10 rings. what?! yes. i learned that for this girl, that was way too big of a week. by friday afternoon i was stumbling about and by the time i closed my office on saturday afternoon, i just had to climb straight into bed. it was snowing, after all.

i keep being surprised by my lack of reserves. the pot is empty. it's never been this empty.

like clock-work, i've begun to panic about money. the lack of sales combined with the dwindling bank account. and this always happens when i feel too tired, i get overwhelmed. i look at the worst scenarios. those evil, busy monkeys in my mind start chattering until it's just a solid wall of screaming in there.

where is the volume control?

returned to the doctor today. another morning sacrificed from the studio, another day started off working on health, not working on making a living. what care and maintenance these bodies of ours take! does it ever shock you, to think what huge amount of time and energy we spend just keeping the machines of our bodies going? so, i will give blood for tests. we check the basics to start, make sure my thyroid is functioning alright, make sure i am not anemic. see if i my vitamin d levels are where they should be. make sure this fatigue is just lingering side effects of the radiation. it's nearly a month now since i finished, but it may not be over and out of me.

on wednesday, i have my first colonic, but for now, we have decided i am too depleted to handle a juice fast. that is a relief. i need to be keep things simple, take the easy path. just getting up and being productive and active is plenty.

how can my plate be so full and yet i feel so empty?

baby steps. i got a pedometer. counting those baby steps and happy about each one. taking the stairs, walking to the store, even in the rain. my bright green raincoat matches the new leaves bursting out of each branch on each tree.

today, nearly 6,000 steps. the biggest number so far.

would you like an encouraging word?

2008-04-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

how about cleanse? yes. it is what you are thinking. my new naturpath doctor is wonderful, i am feeling very hopeful after meeting with her yesterday. part of my lightened mood is due to getting a recommendation from her for internal cleansing. cancer patients at quest center for integrative health, where she practices, can get free colon hydrotherapy treatments at all's well that ends well.

what an unsavory topic, you say? pish posh. it is all natural. spring, what a good time of year to cleanse the system anyway. following radiation treatment, doing some focused detox will be a great start to my new healing plan. so next week, i'll have two treatments, then do a gentle juice/broth fast for three days, then two more treatments the following week.

readers, how do you embrace spring cleaning? a body cleanse, a closet overhaul?

the other part of my lighter mood is simply getting on with things. walking, bouncing to music and starting therapy. it's good just to start moving in a new direction. damn, it's good to just start moving, period! in talking to dr. naik and martha, they both said the boob was looking great and that i really won't know what it will be like when i am a a lower weight until i get there. so try not to worry. i'll have my next mammogram next november and then we'll be able to see more what to do next.

meanwhile, back here in the present, i've got plenty to do. job one, stay in the present. job two, make a living. job three, move my body.

that's the plan. sounds like all work. jobs one, two and three. how can i make them fun? maybe i shouldn't call them jobs, but call them things. like from dr suess' cat in the hat - thing one, thing two and thing three.

inspiration, anyone?

disconnected from normal

2008-04-13T06:06:00.000-07:00

some of you out there reading may be thinking i am getting depressed. i want you to know i am being proactive. as you may know, i've been on anti-depressant meds for a few years now and they work well. but they don't erase the range of emotions a person can have, nor would I want them to. i want to be able to cry if i need to and to laugh as well! so, i am adding on some herbs and i am sure the increase in exercise will also help even out the moods.

some of you may be dealing with depression of your own. you certainly don't need to get cancer to feel down, that is for sure! i hope reading my story somehow helps you with yours. and i hope you all know how much your standing witness to my story gives me strength and helps me carry on.

my sleep is a bit better already since i started the exercise. i have had an easier time waking up and feeling ready to get out of bed in the mornings. two and a half weeks have passed since i finished radiation treatment. perhaps the bulk of the detox is complete? but it's my emotional energy level that is of most concern right now and this lingering feeling of only being secure at home. perhaps there is a disconnect between my experiences of the last few months with now "looking normal" and feeling some pressure to return to "normal"?

is this what everyone deals with post-trauma? after an accident, fighting in a war, losing someone you love, surviving a terrible disaster? do you all walk through life in the world and feel so different, so disconnected? does it seems insincere to make small talk and go back to touching down lightly into conversations for everyone?

it's easy to feel like this cancer experience is defining who i am.

so. monday i have my first appointment with my new naturpath doctor, a woman who has developed a practice that kind of specializes in breast cancer. she comes highly recommended and is really focuses on nutrition and lifestyle to prevent cancer. i am very hopeful about her and what we will figure out together for this next chapter of getting back to excellent health. especially since i want to find natural alternative to taking tamoxifen, the drug patients with positive estrogen receptors are usually prescribed. directly afterwards i head up to OHSU for my 4 month follow-up with dr. naik and martha. my scar looks really good and i am quite proud of how my skin is recovering. i anticipate dr. naik will be pleased!

then tuesday i see a new therapist for the first time. fingers crossed that we are a good fit and she can lead me through and out of, some of this emotional muck i am in. it seems like some impartial accountability would be useful. and what the hell, while i am paying for this crazy expensive good insurance, i might as well exploit it fully!

this poem has been resonating, from the great Persian poet Rumi...

The Guesthouse

This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond

(Translated by Coleman Barks)

stuck in the sand

2008-04-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

there are so many topics rolling around in my head and heart these days. i've been meaning to write for days, yet have been stuck. it's a slow plod through the day of late, like the air is a bit too thick and my body too heavy.

once in a while i seem to surface and gulp in the fresh air. i little burst of energy bubbles up and i'm optimistic. each time this happens i think, alright, now i will get on with life. those bursts seem so short lived. everyone is telling me that it's perfectly normal to be tired, to feel confused, to have these ups and downs.

i am having such a hard time just letting it be. i worry that my lack of motivation is going to stretch on too long, that i have fallen into bad patterns of the sedentary life. too much time on the computer.

it's a marvel and a modern-day pool of quicksand.

i have been spending hours on breastcancer.org, in the community resource forums. the women there have seen me through the worst of radiation, we went through it together. long live the febuary rads girls! that is what we are all hoping for after all, to live long, to prosper, to learn to not think every day about breast cancer coming back, to spend our days loving others and doing meaningful work. i read other threads as well. learning all i can from my sisters about alternatives to taking the hormones. asking questions about possible reconstruction methods. offering what i know about health and well-being.

i have not wanted to go to my studio at all. even though it's my livelihood and i need to catch up financially. even though i now have my fake booblet and look "normal", i still feel reluctant to leave my apartment. i've developed some social anxiety that surprises me. parties, concerts, crowds - they all fill me with a sense of dread.

i really, really want to feel like "me" again. i want to just snap out of it. i am impatient with myself in ways i would never be with someone else.

i walked my mile on the track 3 days so far this week. and i got a rebounder and have been bouncing. that is fun, actually. no weight lost, but i am making an effort. i worry it won't be enough, that my deadline is racing towards me.

in the bursts of good energy, i've been making paintings again. this much is good.